Date for the funeral

Mum's funeral is on Monday 5th January at 10am.
It would have been her birthday on Friday :(

Mixed Up

Had a call from my younger brother at about 11.30pm last night, I'd already been in bed an hour, he wanted me to go and sit with him for a while. Mum's guinea pig, Patch, died yesterday and I think everything just got too much for him. I didn't go, i asked Gray to talk to him for a while, which he did under protest.
I'm going to see him in a while to sort out wether he can stay on in the house and help him sort out bills and stuff. He's never done anything like that before as he's always lived with mum. There is no-one else at all who is willing to help him. Now mum has gone he has no-one, not one other member of the family wants anything to do with him and in all honesty I shouldn't either. He did some dreadful things 10 years ago that blasted our entire family apart. Mum was the only person who stood by him, which meant cutting off the rest of the family.
Now my dilemma, I know there is no-one else 'soft' enough to help him. I know that mum would never forgive any of us if he wasn't helped and that was one of her greatest worries. But I feel like I am betraying my family by helping him. Deep down he's still my little brother, he needs help and I hate to think of him in this situation alone. But what he did was so unforgivable, and I can't stop feeling like a traitor. Oh Help! I'm so confused.
Graham has supported me up until now but today he turned around and said he doesn't agree with me helping him but he knows I will no matter what.
I wish I knew what to do, what to feel, what to think.

One Of Those Days

I'm having one of those days when I would have liked to have stayed in bed, or even curl up on the settee with my duvet all day. In reality, I was up before sunrise with the little ones, spent the first half hour cleaning up after the other adults in the house that had only been in bed an hour. Then realised that it was just me and the little ones for at least the next 6 hours. No chance of any peace and quiet then.
Don't get me wrong, I love my little girls and even 1 hour apart makes me miss them like crazy, but sometimes it would be nice to just relax for a while, put myself first without having to deal with them.
So here I am nearly 8 hours later. Loads of washing and ironing done, housework done, girls have had breakfast and lunch and been entertained/cleaned/dressed/cared for. I've just taken 5 mins to myself to write this with Leila pulling on me to climb up and Lucy is playing with her new piano seeing how loud she can get the feedback to screech down my ears.
Suppose I'd better get on with the cooking then!
Oh well, at least I can look forward to an early night. Soon as the girls are settled I can go to bed.

I can't write mum's eulogy. I've thought about it constantly since yesterday. I've even read a guide, but I just can't find the right words. :(

Aftermath

Not really sure how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes I feel a kind of peace inside. Looking back it's all happened so quickly. I'm trying to focus on the good times we had rather than the plans we'd made. I'm keeping watch on my younger brother, he's all alone now and has threatened to end it all. I went yesterday and stripped the house of pills (and there were loads because all mum's meds were there). I left him with his bottle of Jack Daniels, It may help a little short term.
Spoke to my older brother today and he was all business like, getting the funeral plans in order and stuff. Good job he's doing it, I couldn't. He's asked me to write something for the vicar to say. That will be hard.
For past couple of weeks all I've done is waited for that call to say that mum had gone, now she has I've stopped feeling so jittery and have a sense of calm. I still see her lying on the bed in the hospice. But that is not how I want to remember her so I'm hoping that image will fade in time, I have plenty of other memories to call upon.
I think the worst thing at the moment is the desperate need I have to talk to her. I just so want to pick up the phone and chat.

Merry Christmas

Rest in peace, Joyce Margaret Baylis.
I love you mum and will miss you always.
This is certainly one christmas day I will never ever forget.

Angry

Today I'm feeling angry.
I'm angry at the first hospital for not helping mum because they had no beds.
I'm angry at the second hospital that didnt' really have a clue what to do, they even admitted they had no expertise.
I'm angry at the drs who can't get her medication right. I'm convinced with the right meds and the right dosage she would be much more responsive.
I'm angry at my older brother who has taken it on himself to make all the decisions about mum without consulting anyone else. I was happy to let him take over at first but it angers me that he keeps going against what she wants.
And I'm angry at God for allowing this to happen to my mum when I prayed night after night for her not to be taken away from me just yet.
And with the anger comes more tears, just when I thought I'd dried up for a while.

Tired and Fed Up

Didn't spend much time with mum today. I was late going and Cassie insisted on coming saying she would sit in the car. I thought it was strange but then Cassie hasn't been herself recently (she did go to the gp today though and has her medication back.) So I left Cassie in the car and went in. Mum was asleep and my younger brother was there. He explained that they were going to try changing her medication because it was too much and it was keeping her zoned out, but they have to get the right dosage as they don't want her to be in pain. Mum then woke and wasn't very happy, she said she was tired and fed up.
I gave her a hug and then when I looked around Cassie was standing there.
Straight after Cassie came my brother and sil. They wanted to put a bed jacket on mum as her arms were cold but she told us no, she was ok. She said we should all go home now and give her some peace and quiet. I don't think she's used to so much company, she would spend hours and hours at home alone.
I was already feeling uncomfortable having Cassie and my brother in the same room so I said my goodbye's and left.
I've decided that for the next two days it will be better to make my visits early. It will help with everything I have to fit in, and it seems quieter there in the morning and I prefer being on my own with mum.

I did spend some time out at my friend Deb's house today. It was really nice to chill for a while and Lucy and Leila had fun with their friends.
Tomorrow I have to fit in a visit to my aunties along with a little last minute perishable's shopping, and Wednesday I have to take my son Craig Christmas shopping. He's only going to two shops though and knows what he wants to buy. Then I have a friend coming round, and I think my eldest brother and sil if she feels up to it.
I didn't think mum would make it to christmas day when she was so terribly ill last week, but now I think she will. I have her present, did all my present shopping ages ago and I made her a hamper of all the things she loves. Most of it, well all of it, is useless to her now but I'm still going to give it to her. I'm thinking that if she still gets all her presents then it will help her feel more normal at least for a while.

Pain

The one thing I really can't bear is seeing my mum in pain. I would do anything to take away her pain, she should not have to suffer like this.
Today I had just over an hour alone with her, but like yesterday she wasn't too responsive. She only became animated when she needed the tiolet. I fetched the nurse and waited outside while they took her to the commode.
When I went back in she was in so much pain. I think it really hurts her to be moved. And it hurt her to go to the tiolet. I felt so useless, but then I always feel useless.
When my brother turned up he was really upset because she hadn't come around since yesterday. Maybe he's beginning to realise that she's not going to get better. It's a long story, I don't have a good relationship with my brother. He ruined my life and my families life, and he was the reason I didn't see my mum for 5 years. (her choice not mine) But now i find myself worrying about him. He doesn't have anyone or anything but mum. (He quit his job last week) He can't seem to accept that this dreadful disease is going to take her away from us. It doesn't help much having this extra emotion to deal with. If I was a stronger person it wouldn't bother me, I wouldn't care. Maybe it's because mum cared about him so much, I don't know.
then there is my older brother who was also estranged from mum because of our little brother (very similar reasons, exactly the same time.) He has not really had much to do with mum for 9 years now. The only times he has seen her were last April when she was in hospital seriously ill, and last week. He's made his peace with her in his own way, but it's a shame they never really made up. It would never have happened though.
My middle brother is a lot stronger than I remember. He has stuck with mum all the way through because he was not directly involved. He was fed a load of lies at first about all that had happened, and when he found out the truth it nearly broke him, but he carried on and stuck by mum. The strange thing is he seems to hate our little brother more than anyone. It feels weird writing this down, it's not something I normally talk about.

Another thing I have to deal with is Cassie. She's been really down the past few days, in fact I remember when she used to be like this all the time so it proves that the medication works. It makes me worry about when she has to come off it. She can't stay on it forever, the gp already told us that. She's planning on leaving home next year, I can imagine I'm going to do nothing but worry about her.

Quiet

Went to see mum a bit later than usual today. I thought it might help me a little as I tend to miss her in the evening more. When I got there her sister was there and she'd just had a dose of morphine as she'd been in pain. That meant she was zoned out and I didn't get much response from her. My brother and sister-in-law turned up and they couldnt' get much response either. My younger brother told us she'd been out of bed sitting in the chair earlier. I think I made a mistake by going in later and now I feel sad.
She did start to come around a bit before I left and we had a hug and kiss and she even managed to wave to me. I miss her so much.
I told my brother to make sure she watched Strictly Come Dancing final, she'd been watching it every week and it would be a shame if she missed it. I hope she managed to catch what was going on.

Too much thinking

It's true, my mum is all I ever think about. I do try to think about other stuff but it's always there in the back of my mind, or right at the front of my mind. During the day I can be rational, it's the night time that's the worst, it's so much harder to be rational at night. I decided that it's much better to focus on the good times we've had together and think of them as happy memories, but often I'm just thinking about the plans we'd made and how much I'm going to miss making more happy memories.
I burst into tears tonight because they advertised Strictly Come Dancing final on tv. I can't believe that it was only last Saturday that I sat with my mum at home watching it on tv.
I do find writing all this down helpful. I want to remember it all, not so much the bad stuff but it helps just to let it all out.
Mum was okish today again. I could see she was in pain which makes me feel useless and sad, but at least she was able to talk to me again. She got distressed when she wet the bed, I feel bad sharing that, but if I'm keeping this honest I have to put it down. I got her help from the nurses and when they'd finished she suddenly became much more relaxed and peaceful which was nice. She even let me go today without a fuss, she said she needed a nap anyway.

All My Loving, i will send to you

I've just had an amazing visit with my mum. It
wasn't so good at first as I could hear her crying
all the way down the corridor when I got there. I
rushed into her and hugged her. She said 'oh
Anne, I've been here an hour and half on my own
and the doorbell keeps ringing and I can't let them
in' I was stunned, she's barely said anything that
makes sense for days and this was plain as day. I
told her not to worry about the doorbell, if it was
anyone important they would get in, I got in after
all. Then she had a rant about my brother for
putting her back in hospital so I explained to her
that she wasn't in hospital she was in a care
home. Then she pointed at a photo and said I
can't see it properly who is it. So I told her it was
my girls and she said to give them a big kiss from
her.

When my brother arrived he bought her some
christmas cards. I helped her open them and then
she held them in front of her saying each one was
lovely. They really were, and mum always loved a
nice card she thought they were more important
than presents. Then when she'd looked at them all
and I'd read them to her she started singing, 'All
my loving, I will send to you'
She had a drink of squash and held it herself and
drank it. Yesterday we were trying to get fluids in
her and she was just dribbling them out. Her
mouth was all dry and blistered.
Today she was like a different woman, she looked
better, and was much more aware.
The nurse did warn us that she could appear to
get better just before the end, but I'm not focusing
on that, I'm just happy I had a lovely couple of
hours with her today.

Lucy has conjunctivitis

My poor little girl was supposed to have been an angel in the school nativity today but she came home yesterday with conjunctivitis and the teacher said not to send her in. It was the one thing I had to look forward to this christmas and now I feel very sad. In fact I started crying when I saw the parents coming out of the school when it had finished. (they have to walk past my house) She will also miss her school party but that hasn't sunk in yet, she still thinks she will be going. In fact she should be there right now. :(
to try and compensate a little we took her into town and treated her to a trip to the Disney Store. She is suddenly crazy about Minnie Mouse so I bought her a soft toy. I wouldn't have had the money but I had a win on the Bingo last week that I'd completely forgotten about, so Leila had a little treat too and we had lunch before coming home. Now I'm just waiting for Graham to come back so I can go and see mum.
Cassie has been poorly all night with the sickness bug I had the other day. Graham and Craig have had it too but it didn't effect them the same. I'm just hoping and praying my little girls don't catch it, I'm sure they would have by now. fingers crossed.
Wish Graham would hurry, I'm feeling a little anxious now.
I told Graham I wanted to see my gp today for something to help me through this and he didn't approve. I dont' understand, if I was in physical pain he wouldn't say anything about me having painkillers? So instead I've bought myself a bottle of Rescue Remedy.

Visting Time

This morning I took two of my mum's sisters to see her and met my brother and my nephew there too. Everyone was utterly shocked at her condition. I'm the only one she spoke too and she didn't say much while the others were there. My younger brother said she has a big dose of morphine in the morning which makes her drowsy but she gets more lively toward the evening. I think her quietness was due to sadness at her family coming to see her. She hadn't seen her sisters for years and the only other time she saw my older brother and nephew in the last nine years was the last time she was in hospital in April.
When they left me alone with her she was a little more responsive although still really sad. Everytime I moved even slightly from the bed she called me back. I couldn't leave her, I had to stay until my brother arrived. He had bought her lots of things from home to make the room nicer, but I still can't say that made her any happier. I decided on just the one visit today. I had spent more than two hours with her and thought that maybe if I didn't see her this afternoon I might be able to focus on other things, maybe even get some sleep tonight. My brother sent me a text about 6pm asking if I was going back as she was upset. I called him back and I could hear her crying in the background. All she was saying was 'i want to go home, please take me home'
I called back an hour later and my other brother was there too and mum was quieter. I do wish she was still at home, I'm sure she'd be happier and we'd have got the help we needed eventually, probably by now if she'd stayed there. Now I feel if we move her again we will kill her.


Just come off the phone to my brother Kevin and he's been talking with the sister at the hospice. He told me to be prepared as it's likely to be just days now. This is so quick, but I have to be strong, I know she's in pain and soon she will be at peace. It's going to be hard for us, and I know she didn't want to leave us yet, but how can she carry on with all that pain. Sometimes I think I'm ready, but I don't know really. Is it easier knowing? It hurts like hell, but at least I've had time to say everything I wanted to say. And everyone has had a chance to see her one last time.

Low

I'm feeling really low tonight. I've been to see mum twice today in the hospice. The second time to take Cassie as she needed to make peace with her nan, I thought that was so brave of her.
I just cant' stop thinking about how quickly this is all happening. On Saturday we were talking about our plans for christmas, and I gave her a catalogue from Iceland to make a list of the christmas goodies she wanted me to shop for her. She gave me one of her automated Santa's, she knew exactly where it was in the bedroom.
Then on Sunday she just went down hill so quickly. I was talking to her one minute, I helped her move up the bed because she'd slipped and we had a cuddle. She touched my face and said Goodbye Anne, I love you. I said I'm not going anywhere yet, I'm just going to put your dinner on.
I went into the kitchen but Graham was already sorting the dinner so I went back to her and she was asleep. That was it, she never really woke up properly.
I tried to wake her when her dinner was ready but I couldn't. My brother came back home and he said she was like that after a sleep and she would come around. The next day she was still the same and it's been the same since.
She wakes up but her eyes are glazed. She speaks but she doesn't make sense 90% of the time. It's just too much to bear. We only found out last week that she had cancer and now it's taking her so quickly.
I wish I could help her, I wish I could just talk to her, more than anything I wish she could talk to me. I can't bear this.

Something else!

As if I need anything else to worry about. My lovely sweet sister-in-law, who has been my best friend and my rock, went into hospital for a gastric by-pass on Friday. The op went well and she was recovering ok. Then on Sunday night she had breathing difficulties and was put in intensive care. Yesterday my oldest brother called me to say he'd been summoned to the hospital to see her as things were not looking good. Luckily, she did start to get better and hopefully she will be ok. I really hope so.

Where do I begin?

Ok, I'll start with me. I had a tummy ache yesterday, then around 2pm while at mum's I started throwing up. 5 mins later I was throwing up again so I went home saying I'd be back later when I felt better. I got home threw up several more times and the pain in my tummy just got worse. Within an hour I was in so much pain Graham wanted to call an ambulance! I managed to talk him out of that. I went to bed with the kids at 8pm and after throwing up a few more times (where does it all come from, I'd not eaten all day?) I managed a couple of hours sleep. Then I woke and started thinking again. I didn't know what was worse, the physical pain or the mental pain.

Anyway, when I got to mum's yesterday I found out that my older brother had decided to take it on himself to have mum transferred to a hospice. He didnt' even discuss it with us. He'd been on the phone all day trying to arrange help but kept coming up against brick walls, not total brick walls though, they did say help was available it would just take time. Then he blamed me and my younger brother for bringing her out of hospital too soon. He said that maybe she wouldn't have got so ill so quickly if she'd still be there. I disagree, i think she knew it was happening and wanted to be at home. If she'd gotten that ill in hospital there would have been no chance of that.
He said that we couldnt' cope with looking after her at home. Yes, it was difficult but my younger brother was with her all the time and we were there to give him a break and take over. He'd managed ok for 2 nights even though it had been really difficult. We knew the help wouldn't be immediate but were hoping for it to be in place within a week or two, that's what they said at the hospital. My older brother seemed to think the help would have been there straight away.
Well, with my being so sick I couldn't be there and the transfer went ahead, much to mum's distressed complaining. Since then I've had my younger brother on the phone constantly asking me to help him take her home again. That's all we need to be fighting over her and dragging her here there and everywhere.
I'm off to the hospice in a minute to see things first hand. My older brother agreed that if she improved then we could take her home again.
I dont' know if she will improve, I'm thinking now it's not the drugs that did this to her.
So much for my planning christmas day. I do keep trying to be optimistic but my optimism keeps letting me down again and again. What else do I have? I want my mum to look at me and see me. i want to talk to her, I still have so much more to say. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I dont' think I will ever be ready.

Pills

Ok, first report this morning is that mum is still the same as last night, she's not coming around. My brothers are both with her atm and contemplating on getting the dr in. On advice they realised those pills she took were not for her to take right now and she should have only taken 1/2 pill. I cant' be sure but I think they were mistaken for painkillers and she took 2!! No wonder she's so zoned out. Shame on the hospital for not giving us details about the medication. The nurse was supposed to explain everything to us but she was incredibly stressed and basically just threw them on bed. At the time I wanted to question her but as we'd already been waiting for 3 hours for these pills and I saw there were labels and a sheet of paper with them I figured we'd cope without having to stress her out anymore and getting another rant (yes, she'd already had a rant at me and my brother) But when we got back all the tablets had on them were their names and the sheet of paper was useless.
I feel guilty now, I should have been brave enough to tell that nurse that it wasn't our fault she'd had a tough day and she should still be doing her job properly. But that's me all over a big sap, I actually felt sorry for her.

A sign of things to come

Oh God today has been the worst.
This morning I tried to call mum, first the phone just rang and rang, so I left it a few minutes and tried again; she answered but then the phone went dead, then it was just ringing again. Finally I called my brothers mobile and mum answered. The house phone was playing up. Boy did it give me a fright. Anyway, I had a quick chat with mum, she said she didn't feel too good but fancied lamb chops for dinner. She's not eaten much at all in days now but I give her whatever she asks for in the hope that she eats a little.
I got there this afternoon and at first she was quite lucid. She asked me to change her underwear so I did and the effort seemed to really take it out of her. I then went into the kitchen to put on her chops and when I got back she was fast asleep. I decided to let her sleep for a while at least until her food was ready.
An hour later I was panicking as I couldn't wake her up. Eventually I got her to open her eyes and speak to me, but she was really out of it. I kept trying for about 20 mins then my brother got back. He said she had been like that most of the day. We talked about her medication I figured it could be the anti-depressents she'd been prescribed. I told my brother not to let her have any more until we spoke to her dr. Then I came home.
An hour later my brother was on the phone, my older brother had visited and called an ambulance. I was so angry and upset. I mean, she is dying, she wants to die at home, no matter how ill she is what is the point of calling an ambulance. She would never forgive us if she were to end her days in hospital. At the very least she should be in a hospice instead. Anyway, I waited for a while then called back and begged, pleaded, screamed at them not to let her go to hospital. At the time the paramedic was there so they just said they'd let me know what he said.
What did he say? Well, he said it was the anti-depressents which were a form of tamazipan and were spacing her out. He said the effects would wear off in a couple of hours and we should talk to her gp before giving her any more. They didn't take her to hospital. Phew!
This is going to be even harder than I thought.

So Sad

I've just been to a forum that I've been posting on for many years. I've always found comfort there in times of need, and I've enjoyed sharing all types of news with the many ladies there. I've met many of them and so wanted to meet more. But, I signed on today to find so many arguments and nastiness. I can't even begin to form an opinion on it all as my sorrow is already so deep in my own families problems atm. I guess I'm being selfish but I feel as though I've now lost my sounding board, my place of comfort and support. I feel so incredibly sad, over a forum, is that daft? Or maybe it's just because I'm an emotional wreck atm anyway.
I've been busy, have to be busy it's helps to stop the thinking. Last night I wrapped loads of christmas presents, still have more to do but I need to get some more paper.
Today I've been calling family and working out a rota for visiting mum. Tomorrow will be difficult as it's my eldest brother's visit, I'm not looking forward to that. Then Tuesday I'm taking mum's youngest sister to see her, they've been at loggerheads with each other for years, but it's time for peace now. God, how am I going to cope with all this emotion.
I just have two more aunties to sort as I know they don't have their own transport, the others can make there own way.
Plans for Christmas (I pray every night that she makes it until after christmas) Christmas Eve I will prepare a dinner for mum and my brother. Christmas morning I'll call my brother to tell him when to turn everything on. Then I'll go and finish the cooking and serve it up. I'll then leave her in peace while I go home and feed my family. Then I'm going back with my older kids, my daughter was central to the whole family split so that's going to be tough, but she wants to go and mum wants to see her. I just hope and pray that it happens.
I must talk to the Macmillan nurses tomorrow, I think they have them at the hospice mum has been referred to. (no, she's not going into the hospice, they will support her at home)
There is one more thing I need to do but I can't face it right now, I need to look up what is going to happen to her. I dont' want to know but I have to be prepared.

On a lighter note the visit to Santa with the girl's yesterday was lovely. Lucy even talked to Santa, what a breakthrough :)

Mum is home

She wasn't supposed to be until next week but she'd really had enough of that hospital. (she couldnt' see the tv properly and was missing her soaps!)
Anyway, after 5 1/2 hours at the hospital yesterday they finally let me take her home. We have put her bed downstairs in the living room and we are going to put her tree and decorations up tomorrow.
We have support from the local hospice, and her nurse will still be visiting her daily. We have social services coming next week to arrange a homecare assistant.
She told me yesterday all her plans, but I've asked her to write everything down because sadly our family is still not as close as it should be.
Her plot at the cemetary is paid for, she will be with my dad and my nan. (yes, it's a bit strange my nan being in with my dad but they were incredibly close so it was her wish, and grandad left her when her youngest child was born and she never saw him again)
It was strange taking her home, kind of happy in one way because everyone knows how awful it is being stuck in hospital, but incredibly sad because she's only coming home because there is nothing they can do for her. Even her medication made me cry, they gave her painkillers, stronger painkillers, and even stronger painkillers, and a box of anti-depressents.
I have to say though, she already looked much better being at home sitting up on her own bed.
I'm having a bit of a break today, me and Deb have booked the girls in to see Santa at the nature centre, I just hope this rain eases up a little.

I'm losing my mum

Got up in a good mood today, the girls slept well and my cold seems to be clearing up. I was trying to optimistic about mum's scan yesterday, I was sure that we'd find out what was wrong and the treatment would begin to make her better.
Well, we found out what was wrong. She has lung and liver cancer, so advanced they can't do anything for her. They've given her just weeks to live. She just wants to get home, she doesn't want to die in hospital. I had to agree for them not to rescucitate her if her heart gave way, the dr told me that it would only cause her pain and wouldn't prolong her life for much longer.
Tomorrow we are seeing a specialist to find out what treatment she will have at home. Basically it will be just to make her last few weeks comfortable.
I dont' know how I'm going to get through this. This is so hard.

Wide Awake

I can't believe it but I got 8 hours sleep last night. Didnt' get up until 7.10am but plenty of time to get Lucy to nursery, first time in over a week. She was so excited bless her.
Had my shopping delivered and have done a complete cleaning blitz on the house, had all the windows open and been trying desperately to rid the house of germs and illness.
Yesterday Cassie's doll arrived. So at least she's happy.
Christmas shopping is all done now (well, just waiting for my Avon order which should arrive today)
Mum is having a scan today to try and get to the bottom of what is wrong with her. Just a few more days and she should be out of quarantine for mrsa, I really hope so.

bad week

sorry I haven 't updated since Monday.
Mum is still in hospital, she was transferred to the QE because she had a heart attack. They gave her an ultrasound scan and found spots on her liver. They can't do a cat scan because she can't lie flat so they wanted to do a biopsy. Then they found she has MRSA, so they are not doing the biopsy yet and can't transfer her back to Selly Oak until the mrsa is cleared up. She's now in quarantine.
The girls have been ill all week. Lucy hasn 't been to nursery and we've barely been out apart from the drs, and me to the hospital. I can't take them to visit their nanny and I'm not risking visiting now until the girls are healthy again . I'm just praying now that she doesn't have cancer. Just days ago I was hoping it was constipation, now look how things have changed.

Lot's more going on but I'm tired and this stupid keyboard keeps putting in extra spaces and I'm sick of backing up.

It's December and it's cold!

So cold, especially scraping the ice off the car window at 7.50am so I can take Cassie to the station for college.
Had a night of it with the girl's. Lucy had a coughing fit and made herself sick. Leila wouldn't go in her cot. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Have to go and see mum this afternoon, leaving the girl's with Graham.

Saturday & Sunday

Saturday.
The plan was trip up town to walk around the market and take the girls on the carousel. Then the big kids decided they wanted to go so as I don't have a people carrier it meant two trips to the station. (and back home again afterwards)
We started off in the Bull Ring! No, that wasn't what I planned, but we didn't stay there long.
Outside it was FREEZING. The carousel ride was FREEZING and the girls were not that impressed, although Lucy did say she wanted to go again. The queues for food were stupid so we ended up going to Greggs for lunch!
Leila did nothing but moan, until she fell asleep. I think it was because she was cold though.
We got back home and had planned to visit mum but it was late and we were shattered and the girls were sleeping so I called her and arranged to go Sunday instead. She sounded fine on the phone. I even offered to cook her Sunday lunch for her and she was happy about that.
Then a few hours later I get a call off my brother (Kev) to say she had been taken into hospital. I spent the whole night worrying about her then
Sunday
this morning I worried even more when the hospital couldn't tell me where she was on the phone.
Finally I found her and we visited her this afternoon and it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. She has empysema quite bad now and for the past few weeks has been feeling poorly. The dr came out to see her on Thursday and said that her chest was ok, but she was complaining of stomach pain and he said she was constipated. Last night when my brother went to see her she'd tried to take herself to the tiolet but the pain had been too much and she'd collapsed. In her panic she couldn't breathe properly (quite understandable with her condition, she only has 1 third of her lung capacity left) so my brother rushed her into hospital.
The tests had shown that her chest was no worse than usual (The doc on Thursday was right) but they were concerned about her stomach pains. She's having a scan tomorrow to find out what's going on. Fingers crossed it's just a real bad case of constipation.

Happy Birthday to Me

43 today, how did that happen?
Bit of a mixed day, had loads of lovely cards and gifts and had great fun doing tons of baking today, my birthday cake was delicious even if I do say so myself :)
But on the other hand, no cards or presents off Graham or any of my kids :(
And Gray and I had a stupid fight this morning because I asked him to look at a special offer I saw on the computer and he was watching the tv. I dont' think I've ever seen him so angry and we ended up saying some nasty things to each other. He stormed out the house and left me in tears. I kind of hoped he would come home in a better mood, maybe say sorry, and, long shot, maybe have bought me a birthday card. More fool me. :(
Wait until his birthday, he'll get nothing from me.
I suppose I could understand it more if he'd always been this way, I mean some blokes are just plain useless at birthdays and such, but no, he used to be quite generous, I've had lovely gifts and flowers in the past. It's only the past few years he hasn't bothered. Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore?

Money Money Money part 2

I was playing bingo on Friday when I actually won a game, whoo hoo I thought, more playing money, then I realised I'd won in under 50 numbers and it was a skyrocket game...mmm what does that mean? I get an extra £2oo on top of my winnings, making a total of £224, not bad for 30p. I've requested a withdrawel which should take 5 to 7 days. Now will our benefit be sorted out by then or will dinner be on Littlewoods?

Money Money Money

Got a letter today off the tax credits. Since Gray lost his job we haven't been getting any help from the jobseekers allowence because he was claiming tax credits. The letter today say that the tax credits were stopped a month ago and not to expect any more. So basically we've survived the last month on nothing, thinking if we struggled through it would all be sorted out for next month, and now we find that we are getting nothing next month either. So depressing :(
Never mind Christmas, I can't afford to feed my family. I'm getting letters regularly that I'm going to be evicted but there is no way I can pay the rent. The utility bills haven't arrived yet so they will be next to go.
Time to look for a job. I can't depend on anyone else.

Answers!

Went for a scan at the hospital today at the ungodly hour of 8.30am. Even the coffee shop hadn't opened!
Anyway, news is I have fibroids. I dont' know how many or how big I have to wait and see my gp for full results.
I dont' even know yet if I will be needing an op.
I do feel better for having some answers though.

No Googling!

ADVICE: if you don't feel well and you have loads of symptoms then stay away from googling them. Scared myself silly now :( Just a couple more days and maybe I'll have some answers, or at least I'll be able to rule out the more serious stuff.

When I find I'm missing Lucy too much I go out into our garden where I can see her nursery. It is literally 4 feet away from the wall at the bottom of the garden. Just knowing that she is so close helps. Daft sod!

Down down down

Still feeling really down, finding it difficult now just to carry on with everyday life, but I will, because that's what I do, this won't beat me, I'll soon be up and perky again.

Lucy went back to nursery today, she's staying all day today. I will miss her but the way I'm feeling at the moment at least that one less to look after for a few hours. :(
She was so excited to go back, she ran to the door as soon as she saw the teacher coming to open it, even though she was in the middle of a game in the playground.

Was going to take Leila to playgroup but she was so miserable this morning.

Head Full

Too much going on atm the blog. I know it would probably help to write things down but, hey, I'm shoving my head firmly in the sand and it's not coming out yet!

OUCH!!!

Had a bit of a painful tooth over the weekend, then on Monday it got bad enough for me to make an appointment at the dentist. Monday night it kept me awake all night and yesterday morning it was so bad I had to get Graham up to get Lucy to school. One trip to the dentist later and I now have one tooth less to clean. It's all swollen now though and I can't move my face to talk or smile properly. Hope it settles soon.

Lucy is still using the tiolet (YEAH!!!) although she had a little accident yesterday. She is still filled with excitement every time she goes bless her. She'll be full time at nursery after half term now. i will just have to get used to it.

Leila has started sleeping a bit better, only waking me once a night now! Wish Lucy would sleep in longer than 5am though.

Happy Day

Today we have had a big success. Lucy is at last using the tiolet and has not had an accident all day. Phew, more than 8 months trying but we got there in the end. Fingers crossed she really has cracked it this time.

Leila has become a proper entertainer. She loves to sing, her favourite song atm being Hey Jude! It goes something like;
Hey Jude!
mo mek me mad
na na sad song
mek me berrer

soooo funny and cute!

She also plays hide and seek with Lucy but instead of covering her eyes, she covers her mouth and counts. :)

I love them at this age :)

Update

Busy week so I'm going to rush through it.
Lucy will be trying nursery full time again next week, they said she is using the tiolet at school!!! She's still not using it at home, she cries for hours to have a nappy on.

Gray went back to work, and then the job was closed down by health and safety.....arrrggghhhh! Now we are going to be broke for christmas....

.....or maybe not as I have stumbled on a gambling ploy, gave it a go yesterday and it only worked!! Problem is I haven't been approved by the site for withdrawels so what's the point in playing if I can't collect my winnings? Am trying to get it sorted.

Teh big kids dad keeps asking if Craige wants to go and stay with him in France for a month. He said no before but now he's thinking about it. I think it would do him good, but part of me doesn't want him to go.

Off to an exhibition at the NEC tomorrow, taking my mum too. Going to be a full day.

ok dinner to cook!

Monday

Should be at playgroup with Leila but she fell asleep, might have something to do with Lucy getting us up so early again. Lucy has gone to nursery though and Cas, is back at college. Now just have to get Gray back to work, maybe tomorrow? And sort out Craige.
Now, does anyone know where I put my winning lottery ticket, I need the money?

Busy Busy busy

Been a bit busy, mostly running around, sometimes I wonder wether it was a good idea learning to drive. Wish petrol wasn't so expensive.
AT loggerheads with Gray because it looks like he's landed another duff job. I have to pick up all the pieces financially and I just don't know how I'm going to cope, I haven't yet recovered from last time. And he doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset.

Lucy did a poo on the tiolet yesterday! Mum had treated us to lunch and a session at the Wacky Warehouse and I could see that Lucy wanted to 'go' so I rushed her to the tiolet and she 'performed' straight away. Then later on that evening we spent and hour trying to get her to go on the tiolet while she screamed and cried for a nappy. Ever felt like screaming?

Started getting some bits and pieces for Christmas in, might have to make them stretch as I can't see my getting any more money now for any more :(

Neglect

Oh dear Blog I have neglected you for a few days.
Quick update, Lucy is doing fine now as she is only half day at nursery. (well, I'm happier anyway)
Been to the docs to sort out my probs and things are getting better.
Got some money :)

Banned From Nursery

The first week of full days for Lucy and things have not gone well, now I've been told not to take her back until she is properly tiolet trained. Don't know how long that will be, been trying 8 months already. Oh well, maybe she is just too young for this?

Also, not feeling too good, women's troubles had me at the doctors this week, now I'm on tablets that are making me feel sick and I have to go back to docs on Friday and for an ultrasound scan sometime soon.

All in all I'm feeling a bit miserable and sorry for myself.

Slow Sunday

Nice to have a slow day after a manic one. Took girls to a birthday party yesterday which they loved and had a great time. Had a busy morning running around, then the party and then home to the usual cooking and cleaning. When do I get a break?
Today has not been good because of Lucy's tiolet training going haywire. don't want to talk about it.

Too Much Too Soon

Well, first it was a week of afternoons, then a week of mornings, next it's full time nursery for my little girl and I'm finding it hard to get my head around it. Already one of her classmates has had a birthday, that makes her 4 already. Lucy was only just 3, three weeks ago. I can't help thinking she is far too young for this. And I miss her so much. BUT, she is happy, she loves it. She's getting loads of stimulation and I have to admit that it's been hard keeping her entertained at home with Leila to look after too. So now I have the guilt trip, maybe I would have had more time for her if I'd not had Leila. And, I have the added worry of Lucy's complete and utter refusal to do anything at all on the toilet. She is a complicated case, she will go quite happily and sit there for up to 5 minutes without complaint. BUT she won't actually DO ANYTHING! Believe me, I've tried all the tricks in the book to try and get her to go, but nothing has worked so far. She can hold it for ages, but I don't know if she'll be able to hold it all day at school. I keep thinking that maybe it will just click into place, but I've had so much dissapointment every time I've tried something new that I'm wary of hoping for anything.

On a different note, Leila is quite the entertainer, you should hear her sing :) She can't say the words but the tuning is really good. Her favourites are Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, The wheels on the Bus, Tommy Thumb, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes and Wind the Bobbin Up. She does all the actions too. She seems to have a fascination with trees, everytime we go past one she points and gets all excited.

Chillin'

Attempting to chill a little today after what has been a manic week.
Wish the washing and ironing would go away though :(

Worn Out

Had a lie in this morning, didnt' get up until 7am!!
Then I had to get lo's ready so I could take Lucy to school for 8.55am. Back to the house and manic hour looking for paperwork for eldest D to enrol at college with, and a letter that I've managed to lose without even opening ??? Then off to the station to drop off big kids getting back and having to rush putting Leila into pushchair and literally running around the school to pick up Lucy. Back home and quickly pop in to pick up library books which were due back today and a parcel (ebay) Then off to library and post office. On way home get a phone call of eldest D to pick her up at station. Go straight there get home and change two smelly bums while D makes me a coffee. Finally sit down with coffee and Big S phones up for me to go and collect him from station. Hey presto it's 3pm and I haven't sat down yet!
Now it's 3.45pm Leila is asleep and Lucy is watching Peppa Pig and I'M GOING TO PLAY BINGO!!!

Night Out

Had a night out last night, a family night which meant the kids came too. I was driving so no alcohol boo hiss, but then you have to keep your head when you are out with a 1 and 3 yr old!! Also took my 19 yr old and she got a wee bit drunk...."please can we go home now mum, I'm going to be sick!"

It was nice to get out though, I'd do it again. And it will get easier as the lo's get older.

Won another £35 on Bingo yesterday, think I might be addicted, but I haven't spent any of my money yet.

Still Here!

Well, despite the Big Machine being switched on we are still here (for now) Or maybe we've all been split into several different dimensions, some of us could be now living under a purple sky with six moons, but still be on the same planet. What do you think? What's the colour of the sky in your world?

Goodbye Everyone (Just in case)

Nostradamus quatrain 9 44:
Leave, leave Geneva every last one of you,
Saturn will be converted from gold to iron,
"Raypoz" will exterminate all who oppose him,
Before the coming the sky will show signs.

Well, are they going to create a black hole to swallow the earth? They reckon what they are doing is completey safe, (5000000 - 1 chance of causing a disaster) but even though the Hadron Collider is a magnificent machine I do think they are going a step to far. I mean do we REALLY NEED TO KNOW what happened at the beginning of time?

Will we be here tomorrow? I guess if it happens as quickly as they predicted it will only take just over 4 minutes for a black hole to consume the earth. Or it could take years, mmmm. the next predicted end of the world is 2012 I think?Good luck my friends

Lucy's First Day at Nursery School

I can't believe my little girl has started nursery school already, it seems way too soon, she's only just turned 3.

But it was a good day. I had to send her in trousers as her skirts didn't fit properly and I have to take them back.

She looked sad when I left but she didn't cry. She looked happy to see me when I went back for her, and she said she wants to go again tomorrow so it couldnt' have been that bad. And I didn't feel as sad as I thought I would. I guess I would have been worse had she been upset.

Here is a photo of her outside her classroom.

Big Brother Final

Well, who would have thought it, Rachel won. It was very close though with Mikey coming 2nd, I would have put more of my bets on Mikey than Rachel. Still, she did continue to help with the washing up at her 'peril'
My favourite to win, Sara, came 3rd so I wasn't too far off.

Now what am I going to watch.

Might have to play some more BINGO :)

I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky

Had a win on the Bingo!! Had a bit of time to myself this afternoon so I thought I'd give it a go again and ending up with banking a total of £61, not bad.

Then Graham comes home with money, and a foreigner for the weekend. Things are looking up. Told you I felt lucky. Really tempted to have a go on the Sun Bingo as you can win a house, I'd so love to win a house, that would be my ultimate prize choice.

On another note, tried Lucy's school uniform on today. I can't believe my little girl has grown so much. Well, it's a good job that I did try it because the skirts were a little tight and I'm going to have to change them for a bigger size. Still not heard from the school yet and I've been calling them. I think I just need to patient they'll contact me eventually. I was told the kids go back on Thursday but whoever said that got it wrong because they weren't there today.

Got one of my BB predictions right, Kat went and so did Mo. So who's going to win tomorrow, I think maybe Sara, or it could even be Rex, the one everyone loves to hate. I can't believe BB is nearly over.

Lucky day!

Graham got a job today!!! :)
That has to be lucky.
Maybe things will get better now.

And I won Anxious Elephant for Lucy on Ebay, it looks really nice so I'm thinking I'll keep it for Christmas. It's just around the corner now.

Must have a quick look at Facebook before the Big Brother Double Eviction program. Reckon it will be Rachel and Kat ???

No Winner!

Well, sorry to say but that £30 didn't last long on the Bingo. Don't know if I will buy any more credit, could be a bit addictive, although I might have been more tempted had I had even a little win. No numbers on the lottery either, guess I'm not lucky at the moment.
tho, talking about luck, I've had a niggling feeling deep inside that I have some luck coming to me. I've never been lucky in my life, and I've never felt this either...mmmm. we'll have to see what's in store.

Have been listing toys on Ebay today, bit of a sort out of the girl's stuff, if I can make some money then it'll probably go on buying them more toys!!

Already bidding on a princess Anxious Elephant for Lucy...what am I like?

Bingo!

Oh no! I've joined an online bingo site. I deposited £10 and they gave me another £20. So, I've played a few games but feel a little like a lost kitten atm. Need to find my inner tiger, need to win some cash before my £30 runs out, gggggrrrrrooooowwwwwlllll!!!!!

The First Post

There always has to be a first post :)
Ok, quick bio, Hello, I'm Anne, mum of 4 wonderful kids and partner to Graham, my toy boy.
I'm currently a SAHM as my lo's are only 1 and 3 years old. My older offspring are now 20 and 19 years old. As you can see, I had a bit of a break in between.
I guess at this moment in my life I am pre-occupied with my lo's, but I do have other interests which will hopefully become more apparent if I can keep this blog up.
Previous blogs include one on the nightmare of potty training (Which is still on-going) and the other is my long journey of trying to conceive, and my eventual pregnancy.
This one isn't going to have a theme as such, it's just going to be me having a good old ramble, so you might get bored, you might get hooked, but I'll be able to share my thoughts and feeling with you.
TTFN