Sunday, 29 January 2012

Respect my Authoritah!!!

In church today I had to restrain myself from a fit of the giggles. Our minister is Nigerian and has a thick accent. Today he was talking about figures of authority, so obviously he kept saying the word authority, only he was saying authoritah just like Cartman in South Park!!

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Ever had one of 'those' days?

my entire life is one of those days. Well it feels like it and I'm sick of it. I'm fed up of the moaning, complaining, arguing, the way everything is always my fault, I have to do everything for everyone and still it's not enough. It's my fault if anything goes wrong, it's my fault if appointments aren't made, or kept, it's my fault the kids are playing up, it's my fault the baby is crying, it's my fault when something breaks. It's my fault I'm fucking breathing!

OH how I wish I could get away, just me and the little ones. I would take them far away from here so we could get on with on lives and live the way I want us to. I wouldn't have to put up with the complaining or the lying. I wouldn't have to feel like I was trapped in a never ending spiral. Nothing ever gets better here, no matter how hard I try. I try to be understanding, I try to keep the peace, I put up with all sorts of shit, I keep my tongue well and firmly bitten almost all of the time. There are four adults in this house and three of them are driving this one fucking crazy.

I dont' want to tread on egg shells anymore. I don't want to live a lie. I want to be free. And if I can't be free then I'd rather be dead.

Sod the lot of them!
Rant over!

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Do I Say I Do?

I was watching The Wright Stuff the other morning and they were asking if you would/did marry to please your father. Well, I did even though my dad had been dead for 12 years by the time I wed. I even got married in the church where he was buried so he could be there. He was very old fashioned and I just know that had he been alive he would have wanted me to marry before living with my partner and having children. So I got married at 20 and it lasted 19 years but only because it took me 9 years to get a divorce.

Now I'm being asked to get married again. I didn't really want to marry again but he thinks it's because I don't love him enough. So I've agreed to a quiet registry office wedding. It won't happen though unless I arrange it. The old fashioned me wants to be married to my little one's dad and have the same name, it seems the right thing to do and I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. A part of me knows I could do a lot worse, but I could also do a lot better, but I wouldn't bother trying for the better so why not settle for what I have. I can't trust him but then that makes no difference wether we are married or not, I don't think he will change just because he is my husband. So here I am trying to decide wether to actually go for it or not. Which seems sad, because it shouldn't be like this. I know I will make the right decision in the end.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Having trouble........

.....finding things to be cheerful and upbeat about!

Let's face it, if I did keep this blog just for writing about the good things that happen, well, I don't think I'd make a post a month!
Sorry, today has been stressful. I've been ok, but everyone around me has had a meltdown at some point today and I've been stuck right in the middle. *sigh*

Why do people lie? I feel like I've spent all my life around people who can lie without even flinching. I used to lie too, I thought it was normal, but since I've thought about it more I try to be as truthful as possible at all times. Of course there are times when it is necessary to lie, and sometimes when you think lying is the right thing to do (even though it might not be) and it's often said that lies come back to haunt you. But why lie when it's completely unnecessary? Why lie just for the sake of it? Why lie, when you know the truth is bound to come out sooner rather than later?

Someone lied to me last week knowing that I would see the person that they lied about this week and find out the truth. Why? I just don't get it. I guess they are just a compulsive liar and can't help themselves.

 “I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

How do I deal with someone like this? How can I ever believe a word they say?

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Monday, 9 January 2012

Fat Busting!

Ok, I know I've been here before with the whole I need to lose weight gripe. Well, I've never been totally unhappy with my figure, I like being a little curvy and don't miss my skinny days (old nickname 'beanpole') But it's time to face facts, I'm getting fatter! I lost all my baby weight and was doing well, but then I got complacent, and then I got greedy and now I'm putting it all back on. No more, I say. Today I've started to work on shifting it. I will reach my goal weight and stay there. So put those biscuits away, keep the chocolate for the kids, and baking is for Sunday's only (and then I'll only try a little) I'm going to be slim for the summer!

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Goodbye 2011

I sat here last night composing a review of 2011, I was using my blog for memory jogging. I decided to scrap the post, not because the year was particularly boring and I didn't have anything to say, but because it showed me to be a miserable cow. So few posts where upbeat and happy, most were depressing. I suppose I should be glad my blog is not well read. Anyway, I'll admit it, I feel much the same now as  I did last year, nothing ever seems to go right for me, I have far too much to deal with and far too little support or help. My mind is a constant muddle of all the things I need to get sorted. I'm kept awake each night by children and worries on my mind. But maybe it's time for things to change, maybe this will be my year. I'm going to do something radical and put a happy spin on everything that gets me down. How long it will last I don't know. There are some things I can't change but there are some things I can, many I've tried to change and failed, but I won't give up. I just need a different mindset and a little luck, oh, and a Saviour!

Monday, 2 January 2012

Welcome 2012

I think I've coped fairly well this Christmas. The sadness has been there but I've also learnt to accept that there is nothing I can do to change that and the pain seems easier to bear. Today would have been mum's birthday, the year she died she hadn't even been buried and that was really hard. I remember I had one of my horrible migraines that day too and I was unable to drive to visit my brother who was very depressed. I kept in touch with him all day by mobile and told him I'd be up to see him the next day. His last text to me was ' I miss mum' I texted back to say that I did too and I'll see him tomorrow, but I never did. He chose to take his life before I arrived.

I have found Eastenders really difficult this New Year too, I knew that Pat was going to die but I hadn't read any spoilers and thought she would be going out with an heart attack. Then she got the diagnosis of terminal cancer. The scene in the hospital where the consultant told her diagnosis and prognosis was almost identical to what happened to mum. The first reaction everyone has to cancer is to fight it, there is so much that can be done these days and you hear of people beating cancer all the time. That's why it's so shocking to hear the words 'terminal' Yes, in some cases treatment can prolong life, but sometimes there is just nothing to be done, and when the cancer is that far advanced there is no fight and death comes quickly. The scenes that upset me the most where the ones where Pat decided to come home from hospital. To go home to die. Taking someone home from hospital to die is the most surreal experience and one I will never ever forget.

I haven't read anything but I'm thinking a lot of people will criticise Eastenders and the way they handled the storyline, but in drawing on my experience I think they did it very well. I do wish the program wasn't so darn depressing all the time though.