Thursday, 26 February 2009

Still Tired

Can you believe it, the last two nights the girls have slept really well, Leila in her cot even, but I haven't. Last night I went to bed quite happily, I was tired but it hadn't been a bad day. I lay in bed and then I was overcome with sadness and just cried for about an hour. I go over everything in my head, over and over. I know I did all that I could, I have no regrets. (Apart from my five years apart from my mum, but even that I know there was nothing more I could do about it at the time.) I spent mum's last year getting closer and closer to her and we had some really nice times. I spoke to her daily and had plenty of chances to let her know how much I loved her. So it's not that that makes me sad.
I know that mum had suffered a lot over the last few years, she always tried to hide what pain she was in, but sometimes it was so blatently obvious. And towards the end it must have been tremendous but she barely complained. So in my heart I know that passing away was the best thing for her. The pain couldn't be stopped any other way. So it's not that that makes me sad.
It's purely selfish reasons that makes me sad. I want my mum to be there for me, I want to be able to talk to her to ask her stuff. I want to go and see her and chat. I just want my mum and I can't have her and that's what makes me so very sad.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Soooo Tired

Got to bed around 11.15pm last night and had to re-settle Leila. Then around 2.30am Lucy started coughing and woke up. She kept me up until until 3.45am and then I finally fell asleep only to be woken by Leila at 4.15am. Usually it takes 10 mins max to get Leila back to sleep but not this morning, it was just after 5am when I put my head down again. Then Lucy woke at 6am but I managed to persuade her to stay in bed until nearly 7am. So I'm a wee bit tired today.
Have to pop to the shops later and I'm really hoping to get down to the cemetery today. I don't know if anyone has been in the past week but it probably needs cleaning up a bit now.
I'm dreading Mothers Day, can't bear to look at the cards and gifts in the shops right now.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Still Sad

But coping :)

I had my mum's clock from her house. It's not the type of clock I would normally go for, it ticks and chimes...arrrgghh! The other day it started going all weird, the second hand was stopping and the chimes sounding at the wrong time and just sounding strange. So I went to change the batteries, but I didn't have enough so I decided to leave it until I bought some more. When I put the clock back it started working ok again. So I thought I'd ask mum if it had ever done that to her, I picked up the phone and dialled her number before I realised what I was doing. The clock has been fine ever since and I haven't changed the batteries yet.

Last week I was talking to Lucy about what we could do in the school holiday. I suggested the Sea Life Centre or the Nature Centre, or maybe even Wacky Warehouse. Straight away she said, ohhh is nanny better now then? Mum always said that when she got better she would take the girls to Wacky Warehouse and Lucy hadn't forgot.

Yesterday, I lost my mobile (ok, Leila had it and I hadn't a clue where she'd put it) so I used the house phone to call it. I could hear it ringing by the settee but I couldn't find it. In my frustration I left the house phone and it went to answerphone. When I found my mobile I listened to what had been recorded. Rather surprisingly I hadn't swore once while struggling down the back of the settee :) You could hear the tv on in the background. Then quite plainly I heard a man say my name, twice. I sat there looking at the phone a bit stunned, then played the message again, but the man's voice wasn't there this time ???

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

It's Over Now

I carried my brothers ashes today. It made me think, the last time I carried him he was 4 years old (I was 12) and we were on holiday on the Isle of Wight. I remember loads about him on that holiday because I ended up being the 'baby sitter' while mum had a good time with her new man. I didn't mind too much, we had lots of things to do, I just had to do everything with Sim. We went to the Blackgang Chine and he ran away from me which scared me half to death. Then he got really tired and I ended up having to carry him back to the coach. I found it really tough carrying a 4 year old, and I found it really tough carrying him today but someone had to do it and I was glad it brought back happy memories of my little bro.
So now he is truly at rest, with mum and dad and nan.
I got worked up yesterday because I though my sister-in-law, who I love dearly would be angry with me for going to Sim's funeral. Then she turned up today unexpectedly with my brother and she was so nice. I know she still has issues and I can't blame her for that, but it's really over now. There is no point in being angry with him anymore. It's time to put all that to rest. The past few weeks I've had so much going through my head, I've experienced the most extreme emotions, but now I think it's time to heal. No-one can change the past, what is done is done. Yes, maybe it could have been done differently, but it wasn't. A lot of people were hurt, but sometimes when you are hurting badly it's hard to realise that the 'other side' is hurting too.
I wish there could have been more resolution for my eldest brother Stephen. I know he went to see mum, when she was really ill last March and again just before she died, but he never really made his peace with her, not in the way she wanted anyway. She loved her eldest son so much right to the end, and if you take away the hurt feelings and nasty words, all she really did wrong was support her youngest son, her baby. It's sad that the hurtful words end up being the ones that guide decisions.
Even now, you'd think after all we've been through as a family there would be peace. But no, my older brothers are never going to make up. Stephen can't forgive Kevin for not talking to him for so long, and taking the 'other side' when he didn't know all the facts. And Kevin can not forgive Stephen for not accepting his olive brance albeit a little late (9 years) and he also blames him partly for Sim's death.
And guess who's slap bang in the middle?

Monday, 9 February 2009

Goodbye Sim, RIP

Today I finally got to say goodbye to Sim, it seems so long since he died. Hopefully he will be at peace now. The service was good, the vicar was really nice and I was pleased with the flowers I bought, they did a really good job with the claret and blue, Sim would have loved them.
It's hard to accept that my baby brother is gone. It doesn't feel right. Sometimes I feel that I understand why he did it, and other times I can't understand at all. He had lots of friends who obviously thought a lot of him.
The service made me think about a lot of things. I think I may go to church soon. I dont' know if there are any answers, but i do find a little comfort in the thought that there is something to believe in if you wish.
The weird dark thoughts keep coming but hopefully things will start to improve now.
Goodbye little Bro, Do do's really are extinct now.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Just can't see the point anymore

I'm so fed up with life. What is it all about? I can't answer that. I thought I knew, I've always had a zest for life, but lately it's passing me by. I've always wondered why people who commit suicide take there families with them, when they have 'so much to live for' well I think I have the answer now, life is just shit. There isn't anything to live for it's all crap, and they are just saving their loved ones from having to live the same crap.
I'm not contemplating suicide, or killing my family, haven't got the bottle. No gumption, as my mum would say. Just got to carry on with this crap, but when my time comes I'm going to be happy and embrace it. Even if there is nothing afterwards that will be better than this.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009


We have snow, as do most of the country :) I can't remember it being this deep and lasting so long for years. We did have a good fall 2 years ago, enough for Lucy to make a snowman, but it didn't last longer than a day. To be honest, I'm getting quite fed up of it now. I'm too bloody scared to out.

Monday I drove to the funeral directors while it was still snowing. On the way home I was coming out of a side ride and the brakes just wouldn't stop the car. I didn't realise how slippy it was and was unprepared so I just panicked. The car stopped inches at the side of a passing bus. I couldn't move for ages I was so scared.

Later I had to pick up Cassie from the station. I was scared but at least I knew what it was like, and it was 10 times worse than in the morning. I took it easy and we made it in one piece. But I've refused to drive since. When we got home we had a street full of buses. They'd just all given up trying to get anywhere.

Cassie took a couple of photo's while up town.

This is one of the fountain frozen over.

And here is one of Lucy making a snow angel in the garden