Monday, 25 May 2009

I Thought I'd lost my Little Girl

Today turned out to be one of my scariest ever.
It started fine, the weather wasn't as nice as yesterday but my mood was heaps better. We went shopping which was stressful because Lucy was a complete pain the whole time, but back home again everything was fine. We went out in the garden and the girls were playing happily. Leila was on a little sit-and-ride when suddenly it tipped backwards and she wacked the back of her head on the paving stone. She screamed her head off, but the wound was small and there was no blood. She stopped crying pretty quickly and was soon playing happily again.

A couple of hours later after dinner, I was doing something with Lucy when I turned around and saw that Leila was just standing there not breathing. I picked her up but then started to panic so Graham took her off me. He said he thought she was choking so he bent her over and slapped her back. Suddenly she just went completely limp, her eyes closed her lips were blue and she still wasn't breathing. I picked up the phone to call the ambulance but couldn't do it. I passed the phone to Graham and took Leila and suddenly she started breathing. Then she started moaning a little. It was just as if she was sleeping. I tried to wake her and she did open her eyes but was really drowsy.

The quick response guy came within five minutes. He gave her oxygen and checked her stats, which appeared to be ok apart from her temperature being a little high. Then the ambulance came and we went to hospital.

While in the ambulance she started to come around a little, and by the time we got to the hospital she was awake. Phew!

She was seen quickly being a baby with a head injury. Over the next few hours her sats were taken regularly, but she just seemed to get better and better, even though she was starting to feel naturally tired as it was now past her bedtime.

Then the dr told us that he believe she had had a febrile convulsion and her fit was unrelated to her head injury. I'd heard of febrile convulsions, they are quite common and my friends little girl had one recently. If it hadn't been for the fall then I would have put it down to a febrile convulsion but you can never be to careful when such a young life is at stake.

There is nothing more terrifying than seeing your small child stop breathing and go limp, I'll never forget how I felt. I really hope it never happens again.

Friday, 22 May 2009

Signing On Day

Every second Friday is Craige's signing on day. It's always stressful because he hates it. He hates having to be somewhere at a particular time, he hates having to speak to a stranger and he hates having to show what he's done to find work. He takes his time to fill in his forms to say what he's done to find a job. He doesn't really look for a job because he doesn't really want one, but if he fills in his forms well then it means he doesn't have to do much talking. He won't lie on the forms so we have to spend some time looking through the paper and on the internet to see if there are any suitable jobs. One day maybe that job will materialise, we can live in hope.

The only reason he is signing on is because we found out about a centre that helps young adults just like Craige. First they help them understand themselves, why they are the way they are, how they can control their behaviour. Then they help them think about what sort of work they could do, what they would like to do and what they are capable of doing. Finally they help them into a work situation with lots of hand holding support. We went to chat with them and both myself and Craige were really impressed (although you'd have to know Craige really well to know that he was impressed.) They told us they were willing to help Craige but they had a waiting list of 6 months and he would need to be signing on at the jobcentre to be accepted. That's why he signs on and we have to endure this nightmare every 2 weeks.

At the moment he's doing what they call intensive job hunting which means he has to sign on every week for six weeks. As you can imagine he's not very impressed with that. The stress starts on Thursday evening and continues to at least an hour after the signing. Today he didn't go. He was working up to going but just couldn't do it. I called them, but now it's up to him to call them next week and arrange a new appointment.....he has to make a phone call!!

He went to bed this afternoon and woke up early evening. He was claiming he couldn't remember the rest of the day. He is having a particularly difficult time at the moment because of his sister being away. I'm not really sure wether the problem lies in her being away, or her being with their dad. Craige was given the option to go too (he has been before) but he declined. He does miss Cassie though even though he would not admit it in a million years.

(Craige is my 21 year old son who has Aspergers Syndrome)

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Chains, France and Parties

It's been a busy week and I've wanted to blog on a few occasions but something has always got in the way. So now everything will have to be shortened to fit it all in.

First, I got a package in the post from the coroner earlier this week. It contained Sim's cross and chain that he was wearing when he died. It made me feel incredibly sad for a while, but I carried on regardless, because that's what you have to do, I'm learning that now. I've not kept the cross, my brother has already asked for it so I gave it to him. I have enough momento's. I'm keeping them all in box together with mum's. It's all I have of them now.

On Friday I took Cassie to the airport to see her off to France to stay with her dad. He lives in Port Grimaud, South of France. He's been there about 9 years now. I've never been. Although Cassie has been before I was a bit worried as this was her first time without her brother. Now between the two of them she's the one with the most sense, but he's a strapping 6 footer so I feel she's safer with him. I know he's quite capable of protecting her too. Anyway, my worry must have showed because she gave me lots of reassurance during our goodbye hug.....mmm yes, she was reassuring me, something not quite right there? Then she said 'don't worry mum, I am coming back' arrrrggghhh! I hadn't even thought about it before, but there really isn't much stopping her from staying over there and not coming home. I'll be panicking all week now.

Also on Friday it was my friend's 40th birthday party and I don't get out much so I was really looking forward to it. The day panned out great with both girls going off for a rather long 2 hour nap at 3pm. Normally I would have been in a right panic as I know that means bedtime will be delayed, but seeing as we were taking them out with us it meant I could be assured they be able to take the pace and not get all miserable on me. I was right, they were great :-) Leila fell asleep on my lap at 10.30pm without so much as a whimper and Lucy fell asleep in the car on the way home. The party was good fun, obviously I wasn't drinking but you don't have to get drunk to enjoy yourself. I was thoroughly entertained. The food was nice too (especially the cake!) The evening took a bit of a dip when we got home but I am resolved not to use this blog to complain about a certain person so that's all I'm going to say, sorry.

~But now I've been out partying I'm wanting more. I would really like to have a drink too... I guess I'd better get my little madam to give up her nursing then I'd be free to poison my own body with whatever, and she won't be needing me during the night anymore.


We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.


Sunday, 10 May 2009

35 years - The Story of a Grave

I've been to the cemetary today. My auntie has put new pebbles on it and it looked much nicer. We painted the stones around the edge to make look even nicer. I took a couple of photo's on my phone so I could send them to my auntie (to show her we'd painted the stones) and to my brother.

Then I remembered that my mum had taken some photo's of the grave the year after my dad had died, 35 years ago.

In this early photo you can see my nan and my little brother. It's ironic to think that they are both now in the grave with my dad and mum.

This is how it looks today.

And my daughter thinks I'm a bit weird doing a blog post about a grave.

R.I.P Dad, Nan, Mum and Simeon

I miss you all so much.

Saturday, 9 May 2009


Well, Cassie is feeling brighter due to my having booked her a flight to the South of France to visit her dad. She goes next Friday for 10 days, it will be her first time travelling alone. I know she is a little scared but I think I am more so. I just hope her dad looks after her well, I'm sure he will but he doesn't understand his kids that well, probably due to him leaving before they hit pre-pubecy. I also bought her some new clothes for the trip. I just hope she can keep up her mood because I'd hate her to dip again now before she goes.

I'm still not the happiest of bunnies. I just keep regressing back to the crying myself to sleep stage and I wonder if it will ever get any better. I do have a lot on my mind lately that doesn't help.

Lucy is causing me some concern. Her behaviour is becoming more obviously 'different' and even her teacher at nursery has started picking up things. She has all the pointers to high functioning autism. I have always wondered but now I find myself at the stage where I'm keeping a log of things ready for when I approach our GP for a referral to a child psychologist. At least this time I know what to do and what to expect. With Craige I spent 4 years denying there was anything different about him. Maybe if I'd accepted it earlier and got him help at a point where he would be more receptive I might have made a difference.

And while I'm on the subject of Craige, he really did my head in yesterday. I had to take him for an appointment at the jobcentre, something he really hates doing but has to if he wants a place on the Aspire course. So his mood is bad to begin with, but when we get there I have to parallel park on an incline with another car parked opposite half on the pavement. So I had a spot of bother, 4 attempts and one engine stall. Craige really ripped into me criticising my driving. I couldn't say anything before the appointment as it probably would have ended up with him refusing to go in so I had to bite my tongue while he barraged me with insults. Then after the interview, and I mean immediately after, he started on me again, so I told him to walk home. He didn't listen but followed me back to the car still hurling insults. When we got home he repeated his insults to Graham and Cassie before going upstairs and I was left in peace. Ahhh the joys of motherhood.

(for those that need some clarification, Craige is my 21 yr old son with Aspergers Syndrome)

Sunday, 3 May 2009

Big Dippers

No this is not going to be a blog entry about fairgrounds, I'm thinking more in terms of emotions. How can you feel so good one minute, on a real high, then suddenly plummet right back down again? And once again sleep is evading me, making me a real grump. I'm currently blaming it on being pre-menstrual, but to be honest I can't even be bothered to work out if I am actually due.

And just to make life more difficult, Cassie is on a low too. I can't bear to see her so miserable and feel so bloody useless when I try to help her. She keeps coming to me for comfort too and all I'm managing is a hug and a few reassuring words, well at least I hope they are a little bit reassuring. God I'm a crap mum sometimes. She is supposed to be weaning herself of her medication on her GP's advice. I've asked her to wait a couple of weeks but she is insisting on doing as she was told and is currently taking her medication every other day. I should point out here that she hit her low before she started reducing the meds.

So it's a happy household here at the mo.

Ok, I've wrote more and deleted three times now so I'm going to end there and come back when I've found my mojo.