Where do I begin?

Ok, I'll start with me. I had a tummy ache yesterday, then around 2pm while at mum's I started throwing up. 5 mins later I was throwing up again so I went home saying I'd be back later when I felt better. I got home threw up several more times and the pain in my tummy just got worse. Within an hour I was in so much pain Graham wanted to call an ambulance! I managed to talk him out of that. I went to bed with the kids at 8pm and after throwing up a few more times (where does it all come from, I'd not eaten all day?) I managed a couple of hours sleep. Then I woke and started thinking again. I didn't know what was worse, the physical pain or the mental pain.

Anyway, when I got to mum's yesterday I found out that my older brother had decided to take it on himself to have mum transferred to a hospice. He didnt' even discuss it with us. He'd been on the phone all day trying to arrange help but kept coming up against brick walls, not total brick walls though, they did say help was available it would just take time. Then he blamed me and my younger brother for bringing her out of hospital too soon. He said that maybe she wouldn't have got so ill so quickly if she'd still be there. I disagree, i think she knew it was happening and wanted to be at home. If she'd gotten that ill in hospital there would have been no chance of that.
He said that we couldnt' cope with looking after her at home. Yes, it was difficult but my younger brother was with her all the time and we were there to give him a break and take over. He'd managed ok for 2 nights even though it had been really difficult. We knew the help wouldn't be immediate but were hoping for it to be in place within a week or two, that's what they said at the hospital. My older brother seemed to think the help would have been there straight away.
Well, with my being so sick I couldn't be there and the transfer went ahead, much to mum's distressed complaining. Since then I've had my younger brother on the phone constantly asking me to help him take her home again. That's all we need to be fighting over her and dragging her here there and everywhere.
I'm off to the hospice in a minute to see things first hand. My older brother agreed that if she improved then we could take her home again.
I dont' know if she will improve, I'm thinking now it's not the drugs that did this to her.
So much for my planning christmas day. I do keep trying to be optimistic but my optimism keeps letting me down again and again. What else do I have? I want my mum to look at me and see me. i want to talk to her, I still have so much more to say. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I dont' think I will ever be ready.