Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Holding it off!

Sometimes I can feel it trying to tap in, it wants me so badly, it wants to take me down to that dark place where my thoughts and feelings get taken over by stuff I don't want in my head. But I'm fighting it, it's business as usual on the outside. Cassie said today I'd been horrible lately, but that's just her, I've not said or done anything she's just feeling guilty for not doing something I've asked her too. Well, that's done now so she'll probably see me as normal again now.
The big kids, who are no longer kids but you can't believe it the way they act, are driving me nuts lately. Surely it's time they grew up now. I love them to bits but sometimes I really don't like them much.
Graham has been driving me nuts too. He continues to behave in the ways that he knows annoy or upset me, it doesn't matter what I say or do it makes not difference.
Graham and the big kids are constantly bickering with each other over anything and everything, and I'm stuck in the middle. I used to try and keep the peace, I don't have the energy anymore.
What's the point?
No-one ever listens to me anyway.
I just cook and clean and wash the clothes. And take care of the little ones. And pay all the bills. And do all the shopping. And run an on demand taxi service.

But - I don't do anything right. I lose socks, I don't keep up with the ironing (Family of 7) my cooking is crap, I'm useless with money and my taxi is always late.

And I don't keep the house clean enough even though I'm the only one (Apart from Leila) who knows how to put things IN the bin (as opposed to on top of the bin, next to the bin, behind the bin, on the floor by the bin, or even just on the floor)

I used to do things a lot better, but somehow lately I've got slower and worse. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having three under 6 to look after?

So that's me right now, feeling low and worthless. I could go on about my money worries, about how my house is too small and really getting me down, but the truth is I'm tired of complaining. I know some people have it worse. I've been through worse and out the other side. So I'll shut up now.

Monday, 3 January 2011

Taking it's toll

Why does grief have to be so consuming? Time doesn't heal grief, that's a myth. I think the only plus point is that you feel it less frequently as time goes on, but it still hurts just as much when you do feel it.
This Christmas has been harder on me emotionally than last, as I suspected it must have been the pregnancy hormones last year that got me through. If it wasn't for the little ones I don't know if I'd bother with Christmas at all.
I went to the grave yesterday, it would have been mum's 80th birthday, and today is the second anniversary of Simeon's tragic death. I went alone with the only gift I can give, flowers, even though I knew there would be no space to place them. There were even more wreaths on there than on Christmas Eve, I think every family member and friend went there this year. While I stood there and thought of my mum and dad, my nan and my brother all there together I wanted to be there too. Wherever there is, if there even is a there, it has to be better than here right now. I miss my family so much, but I can't leave my little ones without their mummy can I. Can I?