Visting Time

This morning I took two of my mum's sisters to see her and met my brother and my nephew there too. Everyone was utterly shocked at her condition. I'm the only one she spoke too and she didn't say much while the others were there. My younger brother said she has a big dose of morphine in the morning which makes her drowsy but she gets more lively toward the evening. I think her quietness was due to sadness at her family coming to see her. She hadn't seen her sisters for years and the only other time she saw my older brother and nephew in the last nine years was the last time she was in hospital in April.
When they left me alone with her she was a little more responsive although still really sad. Everytime I moved even slightly from the bed she called me back. I couldn't leave her, I had to stay until my brother arrived. He had bought her lots of things from home to make the room nicer, but I still can't say that made her any happier. I decided on just the one visit today. I had spent more than two hours with her and thought that maybe if I didn't see her this afternoon I might be able to focus on other things, maybe even get some sleep tonight. My brother sent me a text about 6pm asking if I was going back as she was upset. I called him back and I could hear her crying in the background. All she was saying was 'i want to go home, please take me home'
I called back an hour later and my other brother was there too and mum was quieter. I do wish she was still at home, I'm sure she'd be happier and we'd have got the help we needed eventually, probably by now if she'd stayed there. Now I feel if we move her again we will kill her.


Just come off the phone to my brother Kevin and he's been talking with the sister at the hospice. He told me to be prepared as it's likely to be just days now. This is so quick, but I have to be strong, I know she's in pain and soon she will be at peace. It's going to be hard for us, and I know she didn't want to leave us yet, but how can she carry on with all that pain. Sometimes I think I'm ready, but I don't know really. Is it easier knowing? It hurts like hell, but at least I've had time to say everything I wanted to say. And everyone has had a chance to see her one last time.