This morning we buried mum's ashes in the family grave along with my dad and my nan (mum's mum) It was kind of beautiful in the cemetary covered with snow, everything was sprinkled with fresh white and sparkly with ice. (It was also pretty treacherous in parts)
I have always found with cremations that I can no longer associate the box of ashes with the person that once was. To me it's just a token, like a plaque or sign, something to remember them by. I believe that the soul leaves the body in the instance of death and is commited to heaven at the funeral. The ashes are nothing. So although it's still a moving experience commiting the ashes to the earth, it doesn't feel like commiting the person, to me that was done yesterday.
After the service which was very reassuring (god certainly has the right words of comfort) we put our roses (one for each of her children and one for her daughter-in-law) in with her box. I had to put in my oldest brother's rose ( he didn't go, but he did go to her funeral yesterday) then I had to put in my youngest brother's rose. That bit made me really sad, on both accounts.
A little later I met my brother Kevin at mum's house to start clearing up their stuff. It had all been left to me and to be honest I just couldn't get my head around what I was supposed to do with it. It just felt wrong being there and boxing things up, but it's something that had to be done, and sooner rather than later. I wish I could put it all in storage for a few months so I can get my head around it, but I can't afford that. I have no choice, it all has to go.
I came home with a few things but it broke my heart because now I look at them and think that is all I have left. I even picked up my brother's glasses, I don't know why.
There is something that doesn't feel right about removing a dead person's belongings, going through all their personal things, I've been left feeling really down all day.
How am I going to cope without my mum?
2 comments:
Anne,
You mum's funeral sounded very peaceful. I thank god I've not been there myself.
I vividly remember helping to clear my late XMIL's house and I remember feelings just like you, though not as hard as I didn't know her very well. I felt like a burgler, an intruder and it felt disrespectful somehow. It's not of course, but it still feels like it!
Sending you lots of love in these dark days. I hope 2009 can change to bring you some happiness now.
Janice
xx
It gets easier, Anne, honestly - there's always the sadness they aren't with you, but the pain goes.
Their things become a happy reminder, not a sad one - I have my dad's glasses too! - and until they wore out I had some clothes of my mum's that I wore (they'd already been passed on to me).
Always remember that your mum is only a thought away.
Mel xxx.
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