We have a date at last

The funeral is on Monday 9th Feb at 1pm. Still over a week away but at least it's a date. Now people can stop calling me every day to ask about it. mmmm maybe not, I've already had calls where to send flowers etc.
My aunt and cousin have arranged for a memorial for Sim to go in an Aston Villa program. He was a huge fan so that's a real nice thing to do. I've been thinking about asking fans to turn up to the funeral in their Villa shirts. It would be hard to get claret and blue flowers (I've already researched this there have been a few AV weddings) so I'm thinking of getting his name in white and having the letters decorated with claret and blue ribbons.
I feel a little calmer now I have a date, now I'm just waiting to take his teddy to him, in his note he asked for it to go with him and I hate the thought that it's been stuck in my cupboard all this time and not with him. I seem to have stopped thinking of him as a man, I can only remember him as my little brother who I grew up and drove me mad like siblings are supposed to do.

I found some photo's that mum sent me yesterday. She took them of her house at christmas time when we were just on speaking terms and not on visiting terms. (In short we fell out for 5 years, then started talking on the phone, then started meeting up and we only really got close again early last year.) One of the photo's shows her porcelain doll and she's written on the back how much she loved it. I'd not seen it before because it lived in her bedroom, but when I was clearing out the house I saw it and fell in love with it too (even though porcelain dolls are really not my thing) I'm so glad I decided to keep it. I'd forgotten all about the photo.

New Car

Well, not new but new to me. It was my Sim's car, the one he bought just before he died. It's nice and newer than my old Volvo. Not drove it much yet though as still sorting out tax and insurance.
The weekend was lovely but now everything is going downhill again. Got so much on my mind right now. And I'm still longing to talk to my mum. cried myself to sleep again last night, thought I was over that stage :(
I'm so frustrated with this funeral too. Why can't they just give me a date. It doesn't look like it will be this week now. That will be more than 4 weeks after his death if it's not until next week. It just doesn't seem right and I can't help thinking that it's my fault.
Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it.

Time Out

I finshed emptying mum's house last weekend and I felt really sad not having to go there again. It was a really low time. But now I haven't been to the house all week I'm feeling a little better. Only a little, but it's an improvement. I know now that the healing will start properly once Sim's funeral is over with. Hopefully that won't be too long now.

Last night I had a very rare night out. It's Craig's 21st birthday today and as he doesn't go out much I thought it would be nice to get a few people to go out for a meal together. There were 17 of us altogether and we went to an all you can eat Chinese place in town. They also did sushi and tapanyaki which pleased me and Cassie. It was really good night and I believe Craig enjoyed himself. Wish I'd took some photo's though, completely forgot!! The staff even sang Happy Birthday to him and bought him a slice of cake with a candle. (He handled that really well :) )
I can't believe my baby is 21! That makes me feel old.

So now we have the ex around, Craig and Cassie's dad. He normally resides in the South of France and we don't get to see him much. (whispers 'thank God' under breath)

Ghost Hunting

My nephew called and asked me if he could have Sim's camcorder. I said he could but I hadn't even looked at it at the time. So I got it out of the cupboard and took a look. I charged it up and found a video on it of Sim and his mates ghost hunting late at night in a cemetery.
It was strange seeing and hearing Sim again.
It was an interesting film even though they didn't find anything. Mum used to say that Sim had been ghost hunting but I never really believed her as I'd always thought him a bit of chicken when it came to that sort of thing. So the film was a bit of an eye opener.
From what was said and what I saw (it was very very dark!) I worked out that they were in Warstone Lane Cemetery, Birmingham. Notorious for it's paranormal activity mostly blamed on the fact that they used to bury criminals and suicides there. Also, it has catacombs which are quite eerie in themselves. I will have to go and have a look there one day. It will have to be in the daytime as I'm not as brave as Sim, and it's also in a bit of a bad area for drug users and other nasty types.

When my nephew turned up for the camcorder I asked him for Sim's car (which he left to me anyway) he said I could go and pick it up anytime.

Low

I'm feeling so low. Doing anything at all just seems so difficult. But it still gets done, I don't know how. I just want to get my brother's funeral over and done with. He's been gone 2 weeks now and he's still not at rest.
I keep thinking about those last few weeks before christmas, it all seems like a bad dream now. I wish it was a bad dream, I wish I could wake up.

No Money

I've been to the funeral directors this morning and basically I can't afford my brother's funeral. I've been selling stuff from the house but even so I still don't have half the amount they are asking. Why does it have to be so expensive? I've been really upset since coming back. I do have other options, like less expensive directors to look at, but I just wanted to sort it and get it over and done with.
Just feeling so depressed now.

Update: It's ok now, I'll be sorting the funeral on Monday or Tuesday morning. Finance is sorted.

Why?

Why does grief hurt so much? Why can't I think of mum and be happy instead. All I feel is pain, all the time. I'm trying so hard to be strong and my family certainly keep me busy enough not to wallow in my grief, but all I want to do is disappear now and have some time alone. I so need to talk to mum. I've tried talking to her while in bed (the only time I get to myself) and I've been to the cemetery to talk to her, but it's just not working. There is stuff I NEED to tell her and ASK her. I just can't accept that I'm never going to see her again.

A New Family Member

I have some nice news for a change. Today we were given a new pet, a gorgeous brown, floppy eared rabbit called Smudge. He is adorable and we are all smitten.

I had a call from the coroner today. The inquest into my brother's death is on Thursday. I dont' think I'd be able to face going but they need someone there who found my brother or who saw him shortly afterwards so I think my nephew will be going. Then hopefully we can finally put him to rest soon.

Oh, and about the cd yesterday. I phoned my brother this morning and he denied even seeing a cd... But then he called back later to say he had seen one, it had been inside a book and dropped out when he picked it up. He wasn't sure where he'd left it though.

A Message?

Today was weird.
We had to go back to the house to pick up the large furniture which we have sold to Graham's uncle. When we got there we noticed a cd on the dining table. Now I know it wasn't there yesterday because one of the last things we did was take photo's of the table for Ebay. The cd was Stereophonics and on the back one of the songs, Miss You Now, had a little mark on it (orange pen) So I played it in the car. We've been trying to think of a song for Sim's funeral, something that meant something to him and I guess that was on my mind. The song was suitable, so I got out the booklet to read the words. It was written in the style of notes made when working out the song and it had at the top the original title which they'd scrapped for Miss You Now. The original title was Miss You Sister.

It's probably not as spooky as it seems because I'm not the only person with keys to the house, Kevin has them too. He probably went to see how it was going there and left the cd for me. I can't understand why he didn't bring the cd to me though, or even why he didn't call or text me to say it was there. I've been waiting all day. I could have called him I know but that will have to wait until tomorrow now.

I haven't been able to sleep because of things racing around my mind. I thought that if I dealt with the house quickly then I could just start getting back to normality and it would be better, I also thought I'd deal better with an emptyish house rather than one full of mum's stuff. But I was so wrong. Today upset me more than ever. I just want everything back and put back in it's place and I want my mum back too.

I'm desperate to get down to the grave now, I just haven't had the time yet.

Sad Day

I'm responsible for what happens to the contents of mum and Sim's house. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My brother Kevin took some of the most expensive things to sell. Felt a little miffed that he took mum's almost new 42 inch, flat screen, HD tv when the tv we have is a hand me down and the best thing I can boast is that it's wide screen. He also took the new car that my brother had just brought, both without asking me. (and Sim's Tom Tom and mobile phone)

I've had sleepless nights all week worrying about what to do. I need to empty the house. I can't keep everything as much as I would like to. I need to raise money to go towards my brother's funeral so I put some of the more expensive things on ebay (bedroom suite, mobility scooter, brand new fire and coffee table) and I've sold the living room suite and fridge freezer to family members.
Selling all the other stuff required time and preperation and to be honest, my head is just not with it. I can't go sorting through all my brother's stuff, especially his clothes even though I know he has some pretty expensive items. So what did I do? I freecycled it.
It seemed like a good idea at first. I put up the clothes, the beds, the dining table and the cooker (which are in excellent condition) and a few smaller items. I carefully chose the people who asked and told them all to come to the house today.
Then I endured a compeltely mental hour at the house while everything dissapeared very quickly before my eyes. The lady who came to collect the clothes for her teenage son was really nice and her eyes nearly popped out of her head when I gave her a pair of practically new Nike trainers. (they cost Sim £90 in a pre-christmas sale)
Another lady came for the cd's and brought me a sympathy card. Another lady who collected the singing santa's had chatted to me on the phone for 10 mins beforehand, she was also nice. There was a couple who came for the bed and they were nice enough, but they kept asking for stuff and ending up taking a van load of things, like half the kitchen.
Afterwards I felt utterly depressed. I love to give, but it just felt so wrong. I kept playing it all over and over in my mind and thinking about what my mum would say. I felt I'd done wrong.
Then Graham said to me, would you feel any better if you'd sold it? I thought about it and realised it wasn' t the way I'd got rid of the stuff, it was just getting rid of it that was hurting. And I'm sure I'll feel the same about the stuff I sell on Ebay (if it ever sells) I've kept as much as I possibly can but I wish I could keep it all. I also freecycled a couple of dolls that my mum had in the bedroom, but when I looked at them closely they were so beautiful I've had to keep them. Heaven knows where I'll put them, but I will look after them.

Sometimes......

Sometimes I feel numb like nothing has happened.
Then the smallest thing makes me think of mum and I realise that I will never see her again, never speak to her again.
Then the pain starts.
They say time is a great healer, well I wish I had a time machine.

Another weary day

This morning we buried mum's ashes in the family grave along with my dad and my nan (mum's mum) It was kind of beautiful in the cemetary covered with snow, everything was sprinkled with fresh white and sparkly with ice. (It was also pretty treacherous in parts)
I have always found with cremations that I can no longer associate the box of ashes with the person that once was. To me it's just a token, like a plaque or sign, something to remember them by. I believe that the soul leaves the body in the instance of death and is commited to heaven at the funeral. The ashes are nothing. So although it's still a moving experience commiting the ashes to the earth, it doesn't feel like commiting the person, to me that was done yesterday.
After the service which was very reassuring (god certainly has the right words of comfort) we put our roses (one for each of her children and one for her daughter-in-law) in with her box. I had to put in my oldest brother's rose ( he didn't go, but he did go to her funeral yesterday) then I had to put in my youngest brother's rose. That bit made me really sad, on both accounts.
A little later I met my brother Kevin at mum's house to start clearing up their stuff. It had all been left to me and to be honest I just couldn't get my head around what I was supposed to do with it. It just felt wrong being there and boxing things up, but it's something that had to be done, and sooner rather than later. I wish I could put it all in storage for a few months so I can get my head around it, but I can't afford that. I have no choice, it all has to go.
I came home with a few things but it broke my heart because now I look at them and think that is all I have left. I even picked up my brother's glasses, I don't know why.

There is something that doesn't feel right about removing a dead person's belongings, going through all their personal things, I've been left feeling really down all day.

How am I going to cope without my mum?

The funeral

I was dreading today. Going to your own parent's funeral is so difficult to even think about.
But I think it went really well. I went in the car behind the hearse, I never took my eyes off my mum ahead but in my head I was making the journey in my car with her sitting next to me and she was talking to me all the way.

The service was nice, I listened carefully to every word. I couldnt' sing the hymns but I read the words in my head. At the end we were asked to stand up for a prayer and I felt like I was going to faint, but I didn't. Then they played 'Mama' by Il Divo at the end as I'd requested. And I cried.

I don't remember much else, it got a bit blurry then.

Tomorrow we go to bury her ashes in the grave with my dad and my nan. My nan was very close to my dad and had asked her ashes to be scattered on his grave. We buried them there instead and gave her her own plaque. Mum's name will go on the other side of the book on the headstone.

I've been thinking about what to do with my brother. He never really said what he wanted but he did ask if he could be put in with mum, dad and nan. I said it probably wouldn't be possible but I am going to ask. If they can't bury his ashes then I'll scatter them there. It wouldn't be fair for him to go anywhere else. He has never been on his own before and I couldn't do that to him now, he will be with mum whatever.

I'm finding it harder to come to terms with his death, probably because it was so tragic. Up until a month ago I hadn't spoken to him for years. I saw him a couple of times at the hospital but we didn't really speak until the day the dr gave us the prognosis on mum's cancer. Then we went outside together for some fresh air and just held each other and cried.

I can't forget what he did to my family, but I also can't forget him as a little boy. I even remember the day he was born, going to the hospital to see him, and again when he was taken seriously ill and nearly died at just a few weeks old. I remember when our neighbours threw a glass bottle through our window and it landed in his cradle just moments after mum had picked him up. I remember when he threw my favourite bottle of perfume out of his bedroom window. I remember when we went on holiday and i was looking after him when he ran off and I couldnt' find him, I was so scared. When I did find him I slapped him (I think out of fright) and he cried so much passing strangers kept giving him money and sweets. I was almost tempted to slap him again. I remember when he used up all the film on MY camera taking photo's of my wedding, when I had a photographer and I was saving my camera for the reception.
I remember the soft toy dog I gave him when he was about 4 yrs old, it's the same one he still has and has asked me to put in his coffin with him.
He was 34 yrs old, he was my baby brother.

R.I.P Bro

I went to see my brother today. I knocked on the door, I rang him on the house phone and the mobile but he didn't answer. I left him a text and went away. His car was outside but he'd told me he had a friend going to see him today and I thought maybe they'd popped out somewhere together. I kept calling and texting but got worried when I had no reply so I called my older brother. He went straight around and broke in to find him hanging from the door frame. He'd been there while I was knocking the door earlier.
I'm shocked and stunned. I knew he wanted to do it but I thought he was coming around a little. I took him to buy a new car on New Years Day, he seemed ok then. I persuaded him to order a curry because I knew he wasn't eating properly. He sent me a text later to say he'd enjoyed his curry but he still missed mum.
I do feel like I've failed him, but I did try to be there. If only I'd called him this morning, but I didn't bother because I knew I was going around in the afternoon.
I dont' know how much more I can take.

Surprise

Last night I was looking at videos on my mobile phone. It's quite new and I keep getting mixed up with the camcorder and the camera setting. There was a video of a table, which should have been a photograph, that my mum wanted me to try and sell for her a couple of months ago. I played it back for the first time and I could hear my mum talking to me in the background. It made me cry at first, but now I have her voice recorded and I'm so happy to hear her again.
If only I'd taken more videos and photo's. You just don't think. I rarely take pictures unless it's a special occasion and videos are usually just the lo's learning new stuff.

Happy Birthday Mum

Happy Birthday Mum
I only wish you were still here
So I could say it to your face
I can't believe you have gone.

Just a few short weeks ago we were full of plans
Things to do in the New Year
Birthdays, holidays, fun days out
And now you won't be here.

Every day I wake up and feel sad
I miss the love we shared
the relationship we had
I know with time the pain will ease
but I still have so much to face
All I want is one last chance to tell you
how much I love you
I miss you, always

Happy New Year

Although I'm not feeling happy. I feel a real grump today. My girls have been really poorly and yesterday I felt rough too. So even though I tried to stay up and even managed a glass of wine I didnt' make it past 10pm. Lucy barely slept at all so we just cuddled together in my bed. We did have a giggle at all the drunken party goers taking to the streets at midnight doing the conga. The fireworks were loud but Lucy was fine and they didn't even wake Leila. Then at 1am I had a call from Cassie who'd gone to town and wanted me to pick her up. No chance, my head was spinning, my car was frozen and there was no chance I was getting out of bed. So I had to fork out £20 for a taxi for her. Then she and Graham got drunk and made loads of noise until 4am. I was glad they enjoyed themselves but couldn't even muster the energy to feel jealous, I just wanted to sleep.

Tomorrow it is mum's birthday. It feels strange after weeks of wondering what I could get her. I can't even buy flowers for her grave as she's not buried yet? I haven't been to see her at the chapel. I said I didn't want to, I feel I've said my goodbye's, but the longing to see her just one more time is overpowering. I just want to see her alive though, I want to talk to her.