A Bit Of A Catch Up!

It's been a while, but I have been busy!
First up, big news is Lucy. We took her for another CT scan and on the basis of her results her physiotherapy was stopped and we were told to leave her collar on all the time. This could only mean that she was getting worse. We didn't get seen by the consultant though and were left in the dark as to what was going on. So I called PALS and told them my concerns. They finally pushed the consultant into finding a space in his busy day to see us. But first we had to take Lucy for yet another CT scan. After this one she was called in immediately and the consultant said it was time to get her sorted and booked her into the theatre for a manipulation.
We were told that there would be a possibility of her being fitted with a halo brace. This consists of a plastic vest with a sheepskin lining which is bolted on to her body and a carbon ring around her head which is attached by screws into her skull. The ring, or halo is attached to the vest by metal poles. The whole contraption is a form of moveable traction. It keeps the neck perfectly straight at all times.
We were told that the halo was a possibility, that is all.
She came back from theatre wearing a halo.

She was in hospital for a week and was quite poorly at first. I think the anaesthetic made her so sick and sleepy. After a couple of days though she was much brighter and even got out of bed. By the third day she was walking around and going to the toilet. She was amazing really.

Since being home she has coped really well, it took some getting used to at first, and some sleepless nights, but things are relatively normal now.

In other news, we are all settled in the new house now. It's really beginning to feel like home. It was hard getting used to all the space, and I have to admit, it's taken me some time to get used to all the cleaning, but getting used to it all is what I am doing.

Cassie has a job! It's only an apprenticeship, but it's with the NHS so fingers crossed there may be a future in it. She's certainly putting everything in to it. Much better than any job or work experience she has had before.

Graham brought a bike which is great because now he can pop to his mum's house at least a couple of times a week without spending any money on bus fare. Well, I guess it's an improvement on 5 times a day. I spoke another mum in the playground the other day, bearing in mind that I've only known her a couple of months, and she asked where Graham was and I said he'd gone to his mum's, straight away she replied, he goes there a lot doesn't he? Ah nothing changes!

Less than a week to Christmas and I'm really looking forward to it in our new home. I love the fact that we can put the Christmas tree up and not have to block any doors off, or limit our space. What I don't love is not having a fireplace or even a window sill in my living room. I have lots of decorations that used to adorn my fireplace and windowsill in my old house. It will be lovely having the room to eat our Christmas dinner around the dining room table, and the kids will be able to play with their toys without us tripping up over them. We are having a party the weekend after Christmas and I'm really looking forward to that. I just hope enough people turn up.

Of course, this time of year my thoughts turn to my mum and the events leading to her passing on Christmas day five years ago. I have planned to visit the cemetery on Christmas eve as usual and I will light a candle for her on Christmas day. I can hardly believe it's been five years!

Merry Christmas to all my readers xx

Well I did it, and I'm glad I did!

I've just been reading my last post and although moving house was a complete and utter nightmare I'm glad I did it now. I don't really want to go over it all again but let's just say that whatever could go wrong did go wrong. The actual move day was more of a nightmare than I could have ever imagined, in fact only now have I stopped having panic attacks in the middle of the night.
I don't miss my old house at all. The memories I made there will always be with me, and very occasionally I think I might miss it, but I'm so much happier here. I will admit it still has a feel of being on holiday and that we will be going home again soon. But I really don't want to go back.
My new home is so much bigger, and nicer. There is no damp or cracks or peeling wallpaper. The walls are flat and straight, the woodwork is perfect. We all have so much more room. The area is not too bad, all the houses are new and they are still building, so it's not like moving somewhere where everyone else has been friends for years.
I found a school for the kids. It's not brilliant and it is obvious that they are trying to build it back up from being really bad, but at least they are at the stage where they are saving it rather than just letting it go. I remember when Lucy started their old school it was in the same position, but it is looking pretty good now. Hopefully this new school with go the same way too. The kids are happy there anyway, and it's a very small school too, so not too harrowing for Lucy.

So here I am now, starting a new chapter in my life. Of course some things never change but I'm still living in hope.

Stressed

This moving malarky is driving me nuts! No wonder it's one of the most stressful things you ever do, give me a divorce any day I can handle that!

I thought things were in place, I'd found a van to hire and Graham said he'd asked his uncle to drive it. Then he calls him and finds out he's lost his driving licence...on a bus! Apparently this happened a while ago, so Graham obviously hadn't asked him about driving our van, he'd just assumed he would. So now we need a van driver.

Also, when we first heard about the house we applied for a budgeting loan to help with the cost of moving. After a month we hadn't heard anything so I got on to G to phone them, it took four days of nagging (I couldn't call, it has to be in his name) then he called and found out they hadn't received the application. So we applied again and still we haven't heard and every day this week I've asked him to call and he still hasn't. So now we don't have any money to help us out. It's ok he said, I've asked my dad to lend us some and he said he'd bring it down tomorrow. Then his dad phoned and Gray asked about the money and they ended up arguing. Obviously the 'asked my Dad and it's all sorted' was all bull shit too.

I don't know if it's the stress, the thought of getting everything ready for the move,  or finding a driver and money with only a few days to spare but tonight I feel as though I've had enough. I don't want to move anymore. I feel safe here. I know everyone here. I don't want to move to an area I don't know and live among strangers. I don't want to start all over again. I want to be safe and comfortable. Now I know exactly how Cassie feels because she doesn't want to move either. The people around here know Craige and are used to him, how will strangers react, what if he gets bullied or threatened? How will Lucy and Leila cope with new schools? Will I ever find them a school? Even Joseph is scaring me, he gets more like Lucy and Craige every day. We are safe here, we have friends people who know us, who are kind to us. I'm so scared. Who needs a big new house. I can stay here, I would stay here in just one room rather than face the unknown. Can I change my mind?

Well it's September Already!

We had  our break in Blackpool. It would have been better had Lucy been better. We had to give the Pleasure Beach a miss which upset Gray. We also had a couple of meltdowns off Lucy due to her not feeling good and not coping well with the journey.
The journey home was a nightmare, we couldn't get seats together and I had a migraine. At least the kids were well behaved.
So Lucy is still in her collar and has shown no improvement at all. It's been five weeks now, still early days I suppose. We were given a different collar with the promise that it would correct the position of her neck. It doesn't, she just flops out of it and is in so much pain when she puts it on. We are still doing physio five times every day.

Yesterday I was cooking dinner and Gray had taken the kids to his mum's house, two doors away. I heard Lucy scream and start crying and I was out of the house and over the gardens (yes, I didn't realise I could jump those fences either!) and happy to find out that she'd just been smashed on the back of the head with a spoon by the little monster. I know, she was hurting and all I could think of was thank goodness nothing happened to her neck. Once I'd calmed her down Gray and his mum wandered out of her house wondering why I was in the garden. So that's how they look after my children when they go around there. They hadn't heard her screams, yet I had two doors away in my kitchen with the radio and the washing machine on. Lucy was ok, that's the main thing.

We've been to see our new house and it's lovely. Cassie is in a bit of a flap about moving, she's lived her all her life. I thought Craige would be too but he's taking it in his stride. In fact he's almost finished packing up his bedroom ready to go. We move in on 16th September!
The stress is getting to me already, but I really can't wait.

Lucy's Neck part four

Lucy spent a while in hospital because they had decided to put her on traction, but they were having trouble locating a traction bed for her. They sent her home for the weekend and told us to be back for 9am Monday morning. The traction bed was waiting for her, but they changed their mind again and discharged her. An appointment was made for a couple of days later where they told us they were considering manipulation (again) Lucy had her physiotherapy and we had lunch while waiting for the consultant. A couple of hours later and he'd changed his mind again and had asked someone to come up and measure Lucy for a different collar. This one will actually correct the bend in her neck rather than just support it. It's probably the best idea he has had yet, so hopefully this will be it, and I will be praying that it works.

We have to wait a while for the new collar, in the meantime Lucy has to do her exercises five times a day and wear the collar day and night. She hates the collar but doesn't complain because it hurts when she takes it off. Even if we take it off for a bath and she is without it for around 20 minutes in total (yes, it has to be a quick bath/shower) she is in loads of pain and her neck is dropping back down again. So basically the collar is supporting her and easing the pain, but it's not actually fixing her neck.

She's not on the diazepam anymore, just paracetamol and codeine when the pain gets bad. She's not sleeping well again, but at least she can still eat.

We are off to Blackpool in a couple of days but first we have a visit to the hospital for physio and to see if they have her new collar yet.

Lucys neck part three

It's now 13 days since Lucy got the pain in her neck and 9 days since we first took her to hospital (We took her to the GP the day before, 10 days ago)

Yesterday we didn't get the scan results, despite my calling the hospital and them promising to call back. What I did get was an appointment for first thing this morning to talk about the results and what was going to happen next. i.e possibly some TREATMENT

So we got to the hospital and were seen in just 15 minutes. Then told to wait for the neurosurgeon. What Lucy has is effectively a dislocation in her neck. She's been walking around for 13 days with it.

We waited for the neurosurgeon, and then waited some more. They got sorry for us waiting in the corrider (After 2 hours) so took us to a more comfortable room and put a dvd on for Lucy. They also brought her some lunch (Which she didn't eat) and me a cup of tea.

Finally we got the see the neurosurgeon who said they were going to admit Lucy and put a collar on her.
An hour or so later and we were on the ward.

So she's now in a collar and on regular doses of Diazepam to relax her muscles, and hopefully this is all she
will need to get better. There has been talk of manipulation under aneasthetic, but only as a last resort.

I feel so bad for her and all she has suffered. I am certain she could have been helped sooner.

Lucy's neck part two.

It's now been 11 days since Lucy started complaining about her neck, however, after checking my diary I can see she also complained a couple of days sooner but it appeared to be ok the next day, so that's 13 days since it started.
Today we went to the hospital for a CT scan on her neck. We were left waiting two hours as they had a couple of emergency cases brought in.
Lucy was really unwell today, the worst I've seen her so far, she was also feeling sick. She slept for an hour while we were waiting.
During the scan she was really brave and didn't move an inch even though it hurts her to lie flat on her back.

After the scan we went to A&E as we had been told to wait for the results of the scan. We waited 2 hours and then were called into a cubicle where we waited a further 20 minutes until the Dr arrived. She hadn't got a clue what was going on. The results had not been sent through because they had not been marked as urgent. It was impossible to get them now until morning (it was now 7.30pm) So we'd waited all that time for nothing.

The Dr asked what we'd been told and when we said Torticollis she said, 'oh, you do know that that can take at least a week to get better?' 'Yes, I said, it's been 11 days now and she's getting worse not better'
I told her I'd run out of Diazepam and she said she'd get us some more. She went away and came back 10 minutes later to tell us she couldn't get the Diazepam and gave us a prescription. The pharmacy was closed so we couldn't get it until morning anyway. She told us that they'd ring us in the morning with the results from the scan and that she'd made an appointment for Lucy on Thursday.
So we still have no answers and now we have to see our little girl suffer for 3 more days before seeing another Dr. I told her I wasn't happy.
She then told us to ring tomorrow around lunch time for the results of the scan....uh, didnt' she just tell us they'd ring us in the morning?
Then on the way out she told us to go to reception and make an appointment for Thursday. She had previously told us that she'd made an appointment.
At the last minute, like it was an after thought, she said, 'don't worry if it was anything serious the sonographer would have told us, I'm sure he would have looked over the scan results'
Did I believe her? Did I hell!
I told her, it might not be anything serious, but my 7 yr old little girl is in agony and has been for 11 days and no-one seems to be doing anything about it. It's ok taking her for scans, but what's the point if you're not actually doing anything to help ease her pain?
I was told they would talk it through with me on Thursday.
I'm not waiting until Thursday.When they call, or I call tomorrow (who knows) I'm going to tell them whatever the results I'm bringing her back in for TREATMENT....maybe someone there has heard of the word??
I really don't want to see my little girl suffer anymore.

Lucy's Neck

Just over a week ago Lucy woke up with a painful neck. I gave her painkillers and it seemed to get better, but she looked different, kind of mis-aligned.
The next day she wasn't too bad but by bedtime was complaining that her neck was hurting again. She was still unwell the next day which was a Sunday so on Monday morning I took her to see the Dr. He said she may have an infection but she couldn't open her mouth far enough for him to see. He gave us anti-biotics and told us to keep giving her painkillers.
The next day we had a day out planned. I thought that it would take her mind off it and she was looking a bit better. As the day wore on I could see her getting into more and more pain. She was trying to join in with the other children, she wanted to have fun but the pain was becoming unbearable. So we took her to A&E. They told us they thought she had Torticollis or wry neck and because of her hypermobility it was taking it's time to heal. They gave us some Diazapam, a muscle relaxant and told us to keep up the painkillers. The next day she seemed much better and I thought she'd turned a corner. As the day wore on her neck became painful again but her next dose of Diazapam made her sleepy.
We had an appointment at the hospital for a review the next day, but Lucy was worse again. She was in a lot of pain and the consultant was really concerned. Also worrying was that she had come out in a blood rash around her throat. Of course the worry then was that it was meningitis so she was given a CT scan. Thankfully her brain was clear but they couldn't do her neck at the same time and told us to go back the next day for an MRI scan.
The next morning the hospital had decided that Lucy wouldn't be able to cope with an MRI scan so booked her in for a neck CT scan on Monday.
Today, Lucy has been in a lot of pain despite the Diazapam and painkillers. She's not eating and can barely move her jaw. We are worried sick about her. Surely she should be showing some improvement by now. We have been hopeful so far because she hasn't had a temperature or been sick, but now she's complaining of headache too.

I hope and pray that she makes a recovery soon. I'm scared of what the hospital may find on Monday, but I'm staying positive that it will be something easily remedied once they know what to do. I hate seeing her suffer, but she's not complaining loudly, just constantly wincing. If you ask if she's ok she'll say yes, but you only have to look at her to see how much pain she is in. My poor little girl.

It goes like this!

I say: I don't like the look of J's rash, it's spreading
He says: it's fleas, he's always rolling around on that rug
I say: but only one cat comes in here and she hates the rug
He says: it doesn't matter, the fleas get everywhere.
I say: How come no-one else has been bitten
He says: I have
I say: but only you two?
He says: fleas are like that, they don't bite everyone.


I've been bitten before?

I say: I still don't think it's flea bites, it doesn't look like them
He says: well take him to the Dr then
I say: He'll probably just say it's a heat or allergy rash
He says: You won't take him, you can't be bothered, you just moan about it but don't do anything.
I say: I'll make an appointment
He says: And get the cat a new flea collar
I say: I will, but I'm sure it's not fleas
He says: It is that's why we are both bitten
I say: no-one else is, but you and J are always around your mum's and she has a dog, maybe that's were the bites are coming from.
He says: no, it's not mum's dog, she doesn't have fleas.
I say: strange that it's only you two though and you both are always around your mum's dog

He says: It doesn't look like flea bites anyway, you should take him to the Dr

I took him to the Dr who said.....it's a heat rash!

Heatwave

I'm not a sun lover, never have been. I do like summer and warm sunny days, but hot blistering days, no thanks. Why do you think I don't want to go abroad? Well I do, but not blistering hot places. I'm not complaining though (no really) we don't get much of a summer here so let it shine and I'll swelter quietly. 

In other news, I didn't get the problem with the rent sorted but I did find the money to pay the bill which I still say I don't owe. The 28 days is up this Friday so hopefully I'll have a result by then, and maybe some money back. The good news is, the house is still ours. We have to wait a little longer for it to be finished built though, and it will probably be pushed back even further, these things are never rushed. We got to visit often just to see how it's getting along. We've walked around finding the routes to the local schools and shops. Next week we get to take the kids with us too.

Today we should have spent at Center Parcs Elvedon, but as we were supposed to have been moving this week I declined the invite. Also, even though we were promised our travelling expenses reimbursed they were pretty steep and with having to find all that money for the rent we don't owe I just couldn't afford to pay them up front. So I've been sulking to myself all day. Such a lovely day for trying out a new pool too :(

Now it's the last week at school for the kids and most probably the last week ever which is quite sad. I do like their school and teachers. I will also miss my school run buddy. It's like the end of an era :(

I'm both terrified and excited about moving though. I'll be glad when it's done and we can enjoy our new home. The weeks before are going to be hell though!

New Home

Last week I was feeling pretty low. It wasn't really post holiday blues because on the way home I received and invitation to go to another Center Parcs, and then on the evening I found out that I'd won a holiday to Blackpool! Plenty of treats for us this year then.

I guess the holiday followed immediately by our weekend in London and trip to Legoland did take it's toll. We were all very tired. Ok, absolutely knackered. And it affected some of us more than others resulting in someone's very bad and selfish mood which put a damper on things for me.

Then back home there was another incident which upset me, but has since been resolved and I shouldn't have been so hasty to judge.

So I was feeling low already before I decided to take a look and see if there were any homes available for us this week on the housing transfer website. I logged on and there in big red letters were the words, 'suspended from bidding' I was so upset. I tried calling, all day long, but the line was permanently engaged. I whipped off an e-mail and got an automated reply saying that my e-mail would be read within 28 days!!! I was bloody furious. I had a bit of a tantrum and announced (well, I say announced, I was the only person listening) that I was no longer wanting to move house, I'd given up and was going to stay here until I died.

The next morning I went to the cemetery to talk to mum. I had a lot to say and sometimes I feel she's the only person I can really talk to even though she's not here any more. I knew she would have said all the right things if she could.

On returning home I found an e-mail telling me to ring a number urgently and that it was to do with my  housing transfer. The person I urgently had to speak to was out of office. Bloody typical.

The next morning I got a phone call....offering me a brand new five bedroomed house.
I didn't really take it in at first, but the woman on the phone arranged to come and visit the same day.

The first thing I asked her was would I be fighting for this house along with others. On the bidding system six people are chosen to view then a final decision is made to who gets the house. She said no, I was the only person and if I accepted the house on viewing then it was mine.

The house has not been finished being built yet. I went to look at it and it had no windows, floors or doors, but the main structure was there and  I have the plans for the finished house. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am. I've been on Google Street map and 'walked' the area over and over, the routes to the schools, the shops, the church. I've studied the bus time tables and even checked to see if we will be able to keep our Virgin tv and broadband.

Deep down, I think my mum had something to do with this.

There is one problem hanging over it all right now, it's complicated to explain but I'll try briefly. We can't move unless our rent account is clear and currently it's showing an overpayment of housing benefit. This was news to me so I phoned the housing benefit and they said I didn't owe anything. I phoned the rent and they said I owed housing benefit, I told them that the housing benefit office said I didn't and they told me to call the housing benefit office and sort it out with them. So I called them back and they said there was nothing to sort out. I screamed, but not down the phone.

So I went to speak to someone in person but they couldn't work out what had happened but put an urgent request into head office to sort it. I was told it would be sorted in a few days but rang again and was told it could take 28 days. So I rang again (how many calls is that?) and demanded to speak to someone higher up so was put through to a manager. They have now put my query on Emergency which means a 48 hours response. I truly hope so because I have until next Friday to sort it out or I lose the house. I'm 100% sure that it is a mistake and have all the documentation to prove it, but if it isn't sorted then my only option to not lose my house is to pay £685 (which I haven't got) to pay a bill that I don't owe. I don't even know who I would pay it too.

There's always something. I'm trying to stay positive that it will be sorted.
please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Oh, and I still don't know why I'm suspended from bidding...not that I want any other house now.

Happy times in June

This is a post for my blessings jar.
Last week we had a wonderful week in Center Parcs. The place was absolutely beautiful, our lodge where we stayed was lovely and the views of the forest I woke up to every morning will stay with me always. The little ones had a great time, lots of fun and they didn't really play up that much. Well, apart from Joe who is currently taking his terrible twos in full swing *sigh*
The weather wasn't so good but to be honest we didn't really notice. Anyway, the trees are great shelter in the rain :)
The spa day was most definitely a blessing. I absolutely loved every moment. And after three hours of sauna's and spa pools I went for a relaxing massage and facial. It was good! (and even better knowing that I hadn't paid for any of it~)

We spent the holiday with some lovely friends. We had planned activities that we did together and chose to have a BBQ back at the lodge together the one evening. Otherwise we didn't feel obliged to spend every second together and it felt comfortable. Apart from the Spa my second favourite event was the BBQ, we got a little drunk and had fun. (of course someone had to have a little rant and spoil things a little but by then I just didn't care thanks to the Jager bombs)

Since coming home things have not been so good, but this holiday will forever be a blessing and a wonderful memory.

Trying to be in the 2%

When I went to the blog summit last month the day was ended with an inspirational speaker who talked about happiness and how most people go the wrong way about achieving it. He believes that happiness is a choice you make, it doesn't come from achieving goals or things that you want, but it's something that comes from inside of  you. Only 2 % of the population currently seem to achieve this, the rest are known as mood hoovers.
I am usually a mood hoover. I know I can't help it, I get really depressed at times and it's hard to fight it off. But when I'm not ill I try to be happy, I always thought that I was happiest when I had things to look forward to or when things were going right (not very often then!) but this year I've been finding a lot of happiness from within and it's helped to ward off the demons.

It's sometimes difficult but it really is a state of mind. I get up and choose to be happy and most days I can achieve that, and I don't let any mood hoovers get me down. And believe me, I have two huge mood hoovers in my life who it seems hell bent on bringing me down. So I don't bite on their vitriol and respond to them with kindness and understanding. Sometimes it diffuses things and we can continue happily. Sometimes it  aggravates them and they call me passive aggressive. I know I do have passive aggressive tendencies but sometimes I'm not being nice to make them angry, I'm doing it because I want them to be nice back. I guess you just can't win with some people.

I wish things could be different. I wish I could turn the clock back and find the happiness that they have lost but sadly it just doesn't seem possible. I've tried to pass on advice to help them achieve peace in themselves but it doesn't work. It doesn't matter what I do or say it just makes them angrier.

One thing I have stopped (almost completely) is fighting back. I'm not going to argue, they can be right if it makes them happy. I know in my heart what is true. Sometimes it gets me down a little too much and I break, but not very often.

I get told that I  take too much shit. I get told that I should put them in their place. But only I understand that fighting back just isn't working so what's the point. It's a happier world to live in when at least one person can be calm and happy despite what goes on around them.

I still dream of that little place in the middle of nowhere where I can hide with my little ones. Where I can escape and do the things I want to do without causing a fight (listen to music, let the kids make a noise/mess, sing, watch tv) it's such a lovely dream, but even if it were to come true I'd worry about those I'd left behind.

Blog summit

So I went to blog summit this year, last year it was blog camp. The venue was the same. Last year I was muddling my way through blogging, this year I've come so far, made so many friends and made it to the award finals.

At the summit I felt like I actually fitted in. I was more confident and relaxed and had a really good day. I also met too very lovely ladies who I spent the day with. I bumped into a couple of old friends and talked to some really nice ladies. I'm definitely beginning to feel blessed in the world of blogging. I just hope I can keep it up because I love it so much.

Still Working

So, I'm no longer a PS3 widow, in fact I had to give the PS3 a good polish the other day as it is gathering dust! Now the passion is music. He's writing a song, and playing his guitar, and recording his song, over and over. He's made a new musician friend who is encouraging him and at the moment it's all he thinks about. But, it's better. Somehow I feel it's more productive than the games he used to play. At least he's doing something, he's chasing a dream. I'm still not getting anything done, but he's not doing my head in so much. 

Sometimes it feels like things are conspiring against us. A few weeks ago we lost another house to clerical error. I could let it get me down, but it's far too depressing to even think about. So I gloss it over, you know. Everything happens for a reason and another house will come along which will be bigger and better and more suited to our needs. That house we lost, well, the neighbours could have been awful!

In the meantime my current house falls around me, quite literally in fact. I need the bathroom doing desperately, but I don't have the money to pay anyone and although Gray has had a go, well, I don't think he knows what he's doing. Until we have prepared the bathroom the council won't repair the toilet wall which is quite literally falling down.

The bedroom situation won't improve until we get another bedroom, or two. I've given up, I really have. If I can get a few hours sleep a night then nothing else matters. 

I'm doing such a good job at fighting the demons this year. It may be because I'm so busy all the time I just can't let them in. But I do feel more and more positive. Today I've decided that I choose to be happy. I don't need a reason. I would like to make others around me feel happier too but that could prove more difficult.

I would give anything to make my girl happy, but I feel so hopeless. I give her all I can, I do all I can for her, but I know it will never be enough. I can't take away the past, I can't remove her hurt. I can't make her better and that breaks my heart. But I won't give up on her, that's not an option, not ever. So I'll put up with her bad moods and insults, I'll put up with her manic episodes and let her get on with it, and I'll be there for her when she drops, when her world collapses and she doesn't want to go on. I'll be there and I'll pray that things will be ok one day. 

I Quit!

Today I handed in my notice and told the family they needed to find a new cook, cleaner and childminder. Had they upset me? No, not really, not more than usual anyway. It's just that I felt that I'm no good at my job anymore. I keep getting things wrong, forgetting things, messing up, making mistakes. I put peas on Craige's dinner and he hates peas. That's what made me quit!
Sometimes I seriously think I'm losing my marbles. I forget things so easily, it's a house of seven, with everyone having different needs and it seems like I'm the only one who can provide for them. As well as my regular jobs (Above) I also have jobs on the side. I decorate, repair, replace batteries, do the finances, arrange the entertainment, deal with the callers etc etc etc. My work is never ending.
I chill out by blogging and playing irritating flash games on Facebook which I'm not mentioning in case it comes up in a google search and someone finds this post.
Even my cake making is suffering. I made a lovely Spiderman cake last week for the sister of a niece-in-law. The cake came out really good despite my having to colour the icing red and I hate colouring icing red. Then I added the name and age, and even though I had the text on my phone at my side I got one letter of the name wrong. I was devestated when they came to pick it up. It was easily remedied (thankfully the name was on the cake board not the cake) but I still can't believe I made the mistake.
Maybe I'm being daft, maybe I'm going senile? I don't know but something has to give and at the moment it's my job. So they've got two weeks to replace me!

Caring

He was talking about the people he cared for. I said, 'do you care for me?'
He blushed and became tongue tied, I've never seen him like that before.
So I said, 'come on, you must do, I care for you. You are my mate, my buddy, I think of you loads, I worry about you and I like being with you.'
He said 'I'm here aren't I?'
I guess that will have to do.

April Catch up

Sorry blog, I keep leaving you until the last minute.
April has had it's ups and downs, but although the down was pretty low (I lost another house that I wanted) the ups have been really good.

Cassie is finally getting the treatment that should work for her, she's just gone to her second session so still early but I have big hopes.

Joseph has been toilet trained and it was relatively easy. He's a clever boy.
On the down side he had a nasty fall and hit his head, we had to call an ambulance but decided against hospital for observation. I was ok with observing him myself and the ambulance stayed with us for 45 mins.

The last weekend I've just spent in Nottingham with some lovely friends. I was really nervous leaving the kids , I knew they would be safe, I just worried about them missing me (And me missing them) All was well though and I had a great time. Lots of food and squalking, walking and talking and even a fair bit of drinking :-) We were really lucky with the weather, it was so warm and sunny, best day of the year so far.

Counting my Blessings for March

Despite March being a difficult month I've also had good moments.
I had a trip to London with the Little Man and Cassie because we were invited to a press party for children's shoes. Joseph had a turn on the catwalk and was absolutely adorable. I felt so proud of him and he was so well behaved all day.
Also, we heard that we are going to Legoland in June as part of a treat for getting to the finals of the blog awards.

Darkness Descending.

I'm  struggling at the moment. After being on a high for so long it's horrible to think that the dark cloud is trying to reappear. I really don't want it and am fighting it all the way. Will I win? It's always got me before, but I've still got so much good going on and to look forward too. Surely that will help me keep it at bay?

I hate the voices in my head, the negativity, the despair. Why bother, why continue, what is the point of everything?. Wouldn't everyone be better off if I just went away and never came back? I am hounded on a daily basis and kept awake at night. In the meantime I try to carry on like nothing is wrong and I'm pretty good at that, except that it makes me highly strung, so don't cross me!

 I still wish I could go away somewhere peaceful, somewhere where I could be with my little ones without anyone interfering. I would be so less stressed out all the time. I can cope with demanding little people, it's demanding adults I can't cope with. Even if I had the opportunity my guilt at leaving the others behind would eat me up.

They say if someone is making your life miserable then get them out of your life. It's not that easy. I would feel so guilty, I doubt that removing them from my life would make me feel any better.

I guess I don't have a backbone?

Why no moany posts?

So I've not had a good grumble on here for ages. It doesn't mean that my life has improved beyond grumbling, it's just that lately I've been on a bit of a high, I'm not sure why and it does feel pretty alien but it is stopping me from complaining. It could be that I have a lot to look forward too. I have a party and a night out with friends in April, a blog summit and night out in May, a holiday to Center Parcs (somewhere I've always wanted to go) in June and also in June a trip to Legoland. Then hopefully it will be summertime and then I have all the kids birthdays to plan, Leila is having a party at home, Joseph is having his birthday in Southport and Lucy is having a Build-A-Bear party. So much to keep my mind occupied and  not stressing about the little things.

Other than that nothing has changed. Graham is still much more in love with his PS3 than me, Cassie is still swinging from one mood to another and keeping us on the eggshells and Craige has been really poorly, which means a revert to childhood and much mummy pampering required day and night. The arguments continue, the constant bickering and bad moods, but everything just floats past me now, I'm not losing sleep.

Over the past couple of months I've had extreme money worries but I've taken it all in hand and everything is now sorted and I'm much more comfortable financially that I have been for ages. Ok, we're not well off but we are now living within our means, particularly by not owning a car! Also I had some good news about Craige's benefits, I really thought that with these new assessments he would lose his money in April, but I've been informed that he's not on the list for the reforms until 2015, so that's two years before I need to worry about that again, who knows what can happen in that time. He does claim JSA but is always getting sanctioned and rarely gets paid. He can't do what they ask of him with regards to working in shops, going to group meetings etc. He does however need to be claiming so that he doesn't have to pay the full amount for his course fees.

so there you have it, I'm happy for now anyway and no amount of emotional abuse is going to get me down while I'm feeling like this.

I made it to the finals!!!

Thursday evening I saw a tweet from the MAD blog awards saying the finalists were live on the site. I ignored it. I wanted to go on dreaming a little longer and I was convinced they were going to be announced on Friday. Then I saw the congratulatory tweets to those on the list and I just couldn't resist. Hopefully some of my friends would be on there. I scrolled down reading through familiar and unfamiliar blogs and then I couldn't believe my eyes. There was my blog just sitting there in the School days category. I went back to Twitter, not sure what to do, I was shaking and crying. I really couldn't believe it and went back for another look. yep it was still there. I had to take a screen shot just in case it disappeared.  Then I received a couple of congratulatory tweets, so it had to be true if other people could see my blog there too! I poured myself a nice glass of wine to celebrate.

BTW, it's not this blog that has made the finals but my other one. I've not even posted about it on there yet!

Things that made me happy in February.

Since becoming a reviewer I've received lots of free stuff to review and it's so nice to get stuff in the post to keep all in return for a post on my other blog. I've had some really lovely things and this week I had lovely little bike delivered for Joseph. He really loves it already.
This weekend I'm going to be designing my own personal photo frame from i-photo. It looks lovely, I did consider making one for Graham's mum for Mother's Day, but as I know I won't be getting anything I've decided to keep it for myself, stingy I know ;-)

Also, the big blog awards started a few weeks ago, I'd really love to go but last year I think I  managed 1 nomination in one category and probably no votes. I was fairly new on the scene and had only stumbled on the awards anyway so I wasn't bothered. I followed the award ceremony last September through Twitter live and after wards on blogs and I thought how lovely it would be to be a part of it all. So when I discovered I'd been nominated I was thrilled. Then to find I'd been nominated 6 times gave me some hope so I shamelessly asked friends and family to nominate me too. Now I'm waiting for the results. I don't have much hope really the competition is incredibly fierce, but I'm still happy that I got nominations, especially the ones I received before I asked. If I got through to the finals I would be so happy.

Finally, we had a fantastic day out last week during half term. It was only to the Nature Centre but it all went really smoothly and there was no arguments all day. G did spend most of the day on his mobile but I let him off as it was his birthday and he was probably checking his messages. (I didn't take my phone, I've stopped taking it out with me now, I take my watch and a camera instead.)


So here are my blessing for February, I'm still counting :-)

PS3 Widow

We had that argument again, the one where he goes 'I never get to spend any time on the PS3' and I go, 'Well, you never DO anything else'
Let's see, he'll get up around lunch time and while I'm making him a coffee he'll switch on his PS3. An hour or so later he turns it off and goes around his mum's  for a smoke. Then he'll come back and the PS3 is back on again. If I'm going out shopping he may come with me, but more often now I'm leaving him at home with his precious toy.
He comes with me to pick the kids up from school and when we get back the PS3 goes back on for an hour. Then he goes around his mum's until tea time.
After tea he does tend to help out with the kids baths and bedtime routine. Then he'll watch Eastenders with me if it's on. Then he's back around his mums until I'm ready for bed (or even in bed) then he puts his PS3 on until 3 or 4 am.
So why does he think he never goes on?
To my reckoning he's on it 7-8 hours a day!
Isn't that enough?

I started decorating last November (when he had his job that lasted 7 weeks)
I painted all the doors and woodwork, painted the ceiling, stripped the wallpaper, put up the new wallpaper, then I got sick. Then it was Christmas. The wallpaper still needed painting. As he was no longer working I thought he would help. I don't know why. It's taken me a long time as it's not something I can do with the kids around, but I've now finished the painting. He did half of one wall.

If he hadn't been playing his PS3 all night he could have painted and had it done while me and the kids slept. I did suggest it on several occasions. But I guess the PS3 is more important.

I said to him during 'that' argument, 'why don't you get yourself a little flat and then you can live on your PS3 day and night without any bother'
he said it sounded like a good idea.
I felt hopeful for a couple of minutes.

Award

This is for my blessings page, good things that happen throughout the year that I can look back on and know that it's not all been bad.

This week I won an award for my Cake Blog. Nothing too impressive, just a little recognition. I joined in with a linky and out of over 300 blogs, just 20 were chosen for the award and mine was one.
Well, it made me smile for a while :-)

Counting My Blessings

Things to be happy about so far this year.

1. I heard that a very good friend is getting married next year, that's really exciting, but also, she wants me to make her cake!!

2. I had two lovely nights out with friends...in 1 week!

Count Your Blessings

All over the 'net' I'm finding people posting about their 'count your blessings' jar that they are going to do this year. The idea is that you find a jar and each time you are blessed with something good, a nice comment, a fun day out, a reward or treat etc. you write it down on a piece of paper and stick it in the jar. Then at the end of the year you get all the pieces of paper out to remind you how blessed you truly are.

So I've had an idea. On this blog I mostly moan and complain, I do it deliberately, it's my place to let it all out, especially as I can't really do it anywhere else. However, it would be good to include some snippets of
nice things, my blessings. So I'm going to put them here and at the top put a link to them altogether. Then come the end of the year I can take a look back and no that it wasn't all that bad.

Making Do...

I've never had plenty of money, a really nice home, a nice car, holidays abroad, a wardrobe full of nice clothes...you know all the material things most people crave. I've got this far without them it just doesn't bother me anymore. I make do with what I have and am happy (well, mostly)

I have my kids, they are my life and I love them to bits and wouldn't be without them. I always feel blessed to have them and know that things would be 100 times worse without them.

But there is one thing I miss that I've always wanted.... a soul mate. Someone who truly understands and loves me. My love life has been a disaster zone.

My first husband was on the scene when I was just 16. I adored him but he was domineering and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do when younger. He convinced me that all we had to do was have fun. He wasn't that keen on having kids either but thank goodness he didn't deny me. He did say that having kids changed me and made me boring. He also had trouble accepting that I wanted to be educated and even though I left it late he wasn't happy about me doing my degree. He had an affair just after our daughter was born. I took him back and forgave him but things were never the same. He eventually walked out on us.

During my single parent years I focused more on the kids than relationships. I met one guy I really liked but on the first date he said he wasn't really looking for a mum as he'd never wanted kids. Good start eh! We had a few weeks of dating and then I dumped him...he was shocked! I guess he just didn't get it that I wasn't going to abandon being a mother for him. Then I met another guy at work. He was 10 years older than me, bald and fat, but he was very attentive and helped me through a difficult time with my eldest son. We spent a year together but one night, out of the blue, we just both decided that we didn't really have anything going for us and called it a day. I wasn't even upset.

Then I met my current partner when he rescued my kittens from a neighbours tree. Things were really good for the first year or so and we decided to have a baby together. I found it difficult getting pregnant but eventually did. It wasn't a strain, our relationship felt strong and he was always doting. Looking back a couple of strange things happened but I didn't think much into them then as we seemed so happy. After the baby was born I thought we were closer than ever, but then he started staying up late on his laptop every night. (he was working part-time) I got suspicious and found he'd been having an online affair. I threw him out but he convinced me it was all fantasy and never meant anything and that he'd never met her or would meet her. I forgave him and took him back, I was already pregnant with our second baby. Then after the next baby, which was unplanned I thought we'd got back to normal and were happy. We had a boy after two girls and he was chuffed to bits. We had to the two smallest christened together and the day after the christening I found out that he'd come on to my friend. He'd offered to go around her house after I had gone to bed. I threw him out again.
After  a few weeks of constant pleading he wormed his way back in. I don't know if I did the right thing for me, but I did for the kids.

I've felt lonely ever since. I have forgiven him and I have never thrown it in his face. But I can't forget. I can't forget how easily he was willing to risk everything. I look back to the past and wonder if he's ever been truly faithful to me. There have been other instances of text messages and online messages. Nothing bad enough for me to get really upset but I've asked him to stop talking to a couple of people. So now we are still together, and he still tells me every day that he loves me, but I can't truly believe him. Would you give someone you truly loved a box of biscuits for Christmas? Would you forget your loved ones birthday? I know men are supposed to forget these things, but along with everyone else it just smarts.

So here I am making do, not only with the material things in life, but with love as well. All I want is someone who loves me. All I want is my soul mate. As I get older I realise that it's just not going to be something that I have.

I know how my older kids suffered when I split from their dad. I tried my best to make things ok for them and I've never fought with their dad, but they still hurt that he could abandon us, and they still blamed me for not making him stay. I can't do that with my young ones, they love their daddy and daddy loves them. I know if I try to make him leave it will be messy and I can't put them through that. So I carry on each day, making do.