Christmas 2011

Christmas eve we had an early start and all went to the cemetery with our wreath and candles. It was cold but bright and no rain so perfect for a walk through the park to the old church and cemetery.

 

We met my aunt and cousin there and after laying our wreath, lighting and lighting our candles we went inside the curch to have a warm up and a drink. The girls helped put some baubles on the church Christmas tree. It really is a lovely old church. I got married there in 1986 on it's 200th anniversary.

Then it was back home on the bus, stopping by the local post office for our Christmas booze!

Back home the girls just couldn't wait to go to bed and were tucked up fast asleep by 7.30pm. Then Graham went to his mum's and I decided to retire myself at around 10pm.

Christmas morning began with Lucy waking at 5am. she couldn't get back to sleep but what 6 year old could! So I got up with her and allowed her to open 1 present while I made a cuppa and some breakfast. Then Joseph woke at 6am and I woke Leila and Graham up. Then followed a present opening frenzy.

Craige got up to join in and Cassie came down shortly after the main frenzy. Then Graham went back to bed.

Then Craige went back to bed. Then Cassie went back to bed and it was just me and the little ones as usual.

Graham got up again and went around his mum's again for a couple of hours. I put the turkey in and got the veggies ready. I jotted down a schedule so that everything would be cooked on time. My aim was 3.30pm. At 2.30pm, I decided do check the oven and that's when I discovered that it had kindly switched itself off, probably five minutes after my putting the turkey in. So after a little flap, I re-scheduled dinner for 6pm and cooked a big greasy late lunch! We ended up having dinner at 5.30pm and it was lovely, so worth the wait.

 After dinner, Graham went around his mum's for an hour, but this time he took the kids with him so I had chance to clean up a bit and watch the first 1/2hour of Dr Who in peace. When they got back it was time for the kids to go to bed. 

Then we settled down to watch Eastenders and afterwards, surprise, surprise, Graham went around his mum's. I had a glass of wine and went to bed.

All in all, not a bad day. It could have been better, Graham could have spent more time with us, the cooker could have co-operated a bit more and not turned itself off and I could have done without an uplanned visit from auntie flo, but as Cassie kindly pointed out to me, I've had much much worse Christmas'

3 years ago!

3 years ago today I'd been to visit my mum twice in the hospice, the place she didn't want to be. Me and Sim had taken her out of hospital (Against everyones wishes except mum's who's wishes were the only ones that mattered) and taken her home to die, she wanted to die at home. Then within just a day of being home she went downhill so quickly my other brother had her put in a hospice. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing. He was angry at me for taking her out of the hospital. Although shocking, I knew what was happening, mum knew she was going home to die that's why she wanted to go home when she did, she knew she didn't have long left, but my brother believed that taking her out of hospital was what made her go downhill so quickly, he believed that she had much longer left, he was scared that we couldn't look after her at home it would be too difficult. So that's it in a nutshell...and we still haven't really forgiven each other. My worst regret is her not having her last wish of dying at home. No matter how difficult it would have been I know we could have done whatever was needed. It was only for a week in the end.
I still send my brother a xmas card, although I don't get one in return.

I've bought a beautiful angel candle holder for the grave for mum, I've also bought some candles for the rest of my family and will spend some time with them all on Christmas Eve. I will light a candle at home in her memory on Christmas day at 4pm, the time she passed away.
I'm finding this year so hard, last year I had baby Joe to keep me focused, the year before I was pregnant, but this year has been a sad and lonely one, I've wanted to speak to mum so many times. I've missed her so much.
I've found some comfort in my faith. If I'm honest, I only went back to church because I wanted Leila and Joseph Christened, but I've barely missed a week for the last six months. I've found a new, friendly community to be part of, and plenty that has assured and comforted me in times of need.

So now as I approach Christmas, a time of joy and of dread, I have my back-ups in place and my wonderful family to keep me grounded. So even when I feel the only place I want to be is the same place as my mum, there is always something or someone that can hold me back.

I Had Another Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday and now I'm beginning to feel old. Sometimes I feel way too old to have three small children, what was I thinking, they are such hard work. Then sometimes I think that having three small children keeps me feeling young. Either way, I wouldn't be without them now.

So, pressies, yes I had a few :-) Graham bought me a lovely cross pendant, Cassie bought me a bottle of chocolate wine, Craige bought tickets to see Kasabian next week, the mother-in-law bought me chocolates and smellies, and my brother and sister-in-law gave me money with which I'm going to buy Il Divo's new album out tomorrow.

On Friday, me, Graham and Joe went to the BBC Good Food show which was great. The exhibition was huge and we walked our feet off. I didn't buy much but did get some cake decorating items which I've been hankering for. We got to try lots of food, mostly curries and sweet stuff, and lots of booze. I had to stop with the free drinks as I was getting tipsy, Graham just loved it. We got some nice freebies too.

Today at church we were asked as a family to light the first candle of Advent and say a few words, and the little ones in Sunday school got to practice their nativity play. We are beginning to feel a real part of our church now, like an extended family.

Tomatoes and melons

by Paulo Coelho on November 5, 2011

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?
You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

While thinking that I wanted to write in my blog today, I really didn't know where to start. I've had a really weird day, difficult to explain, stressful, but only because I wasn't very good at handling the stress. Then I read the above on Paulo Coelho's blog and it made a lot of sense. I'm not saying that I'm tomato trying to be a melon but I do sometimes try to be supermum when I know I'm not. I'm always pretending to be strong, pretending that everything is going well. I think that's where I come unstuck, some days I'm just not up to my own expectations and today was one of those days. I did the crying, just a little and to myself. It was while Graham was putting the kids to bed because I'd just had enough and wasn't up to it.
I'm feeling a little better now. Maybe tomorrow I can be more proud of myself and what I do achieve instead of getting frustrated about not being what I would like to be.

Letter to My Son

This  I wrote on March 14th 2009.

Dear Son,
I can't believe how fast the years have flown, it's seems just yesterday when I met you for the first time. I was so excited to have you at last. Right from the beginning I knew you were special. You were bright and happy so long as I was around. You couldn't bear to be parted from me, even for one minute. At just nine months old you were walking, nothing would stop you as you reached each milestone quickly and easily. I thought you were so clever how you would arrange all your toys by colour and name all your trains and say what colour they were. Numbers were special to you and I would joke how you would become a mathematician when you grew up.

School was wonderful at first. I always had glowing reports of how clever you were. I would ignore the comments about your more unusual behaviours. When you were six your teacher, who adored you, gave me a number for a child pyschologist. I never called, there was no need, you were my bright little star. You had a couple of friends who you liked to spend most of your time with. You ignored everyone else.

Then as you got older I had to face the truth. It was like no-one understood you. You were likeable enough, but your unusual ways made your peers keep well away, apart from the ones who thought it was fun to tease you and make you angry. You would come home and state that you had anger issues and could I please get you some help. So I did, and we were given a full report and a diagnosis. You have Asperger's Syndrome. All this time the one thing I'd so wanted to avoid was to give you a label, and now that's exactly what had happened.

I soon realised that it was for the best though. Finally people understood and you wasn't just the weird kid anymore. You got help and I got help and both our lives improved. You did well at a new school and at college. I'd always been proud of you but now I was more proud than ever.

Now I see you growing up and I feel we have both grown up so very much. You are such an handsome lad, (well, I would say that I'm your mother) with your big brown eyes and dark hair. At over six feet tall you truly are the epitomy of tall, dark and handsome. Most of all you are caring and loving and I just know that you will find yourself a lovely girl one day and settle down. As for the anger problems, well they went away as soon as I took you away from the bullies, trust you to blame yourself.
We've had a bumpy ride but I'm sure the future will bright for us both.
My love always,
Mum xxx

Wanted- A New Home

I've been looking for a new home for my large family for ages now. When I decided to have more children, my older children were already young teenagers and I honestly thought that they would be moving on, going to university, getting married, basically just moving out. They didn't. They are still home, now in their 20's but I fully understand why they are still here, hindsight is a wonderful impossible thing.
So the situation is, four adults and three children in a three bedroomed house. Our kitchen is tiny, so is our bathroom. We are falling over each other, it's impossible to find any peace. And I'm sharing a bedroom with my partner and three small children. No wonder I complain about not getting any sleep, wouldn't you?
I've lived here 22 years now and I have to say I love living here. The street is lovely, the local shops are great, the school is close and great, there is a really good local bus service and the train station is a 20 minute walk. You can even walk to the huge new super hospital in 15 mins (And the maternity hospital)
If I could knock down a couple of walls and build a couple of extra bedrooms in the attic, I'd happily stay here forever.

The other day I was invited to put a bid in for the chance of a newly refurbished 6 bedroomed house. The chosen family will be filmed for channel 4 explaining their current housing condition, viewing the new house before the re-furbishment and then moving into the new house. I would say my chances of being chosen were very small, but what a fantastic opportunity.
Paulo Coelho said "If you want something all the universe conspires in helping you acheive it"
I want a bigger house, I was given this chance.....will the universe conspire in helping me get it?

I'll let you know!

Back Together

I've decided to take Graham back and give our relationship another go.
Not a decision I made lightly but one that I'm sure is right. This has been the longest we've been apart since we met 11 years ago and I think we needed a break. Our relationship had hit rock bottom, he truly believed I didn't love him anymore, and I don't know if I did.We can all make excuses for our mistakes but sometimes we have to look at the real reasons behind what we do. I must still love him because I wouldn't have taken him back again.
I haven't given him any conditions on his return, and I've told him he doesn't need to earn my trust because I'm just going to trust him anyway, all he has to do is prove me right. We've talked loads and made lots of changes in our lifestyle. If we really want it to work it will. If it doesn't then it's obvious that we just didn't want it enough.

The Grave

I've not spoken about the grave for a while now, but I still visit regularly. I go off to visit my family down the cemetary, at least they are all in the same place. It would be nice to think they are together.

Anyway, I took some flowers down for mum and as usual the grave was full of 'pretend' flowers. I don't really like them but have to admit they do look nice, and the grave looks well cared for. Originally I thought my aunt only wanted to put fake flowers on so she didn't have to visit so often, but it's obvious that she visits all the time, the flowers are regularly replaced and never look tired or worn. And they do stay looking nicer for longer than fresh flowers even though they don't smell so good. I like to take my real flowers for the pot on the headstone, I know they will be wilted within a few days but it's my way.

So, I figured I needed a good old chat with my mum. I do this often, although the chats are one-sided it always helps. But this time it didn't. It suddenly hit me that mum isn't here anymore. I can talk to her all I like but I will never know if she can hear or not, and I never get a reply. I needed advice but mum was gone and couldn't help me. I needed a hug but she just wasn't there. I can full well imagine exactly what she would say but it's not the same.

Suddenly I felt very very alone.

Things have changed a lot since that day, but I'll stop for now and write more soon.

Truly the End

I don't think I should be writing this now, but here it is straight from the heart while it's breaking in two. I can't even bare to look at his face anymore.
Today I was ready to break and give in, I've missed him so much, crazy because things have been crap for a while and I should have been enjoying the break but I'm too bloody soft for my own good. He pleaded and begged for forgiveness, then he told me how crap it was staying at his mums and I thought, ah he's only doing this because he misses being at home. but he insisted that he wouldn't give in, he would prove to me how much he loved me and how sorry he was. Of course he kept pointing out that he didn't really do anything....no, hitting on my friend is nothing, doesn't hurt a bit, not even though you've done it in the past and swore you'd never do anything like it again. So we argued and suddenly it was all my fault because I wouldn't marry him!!! I was going to marry him until the first time he did it, that's when I thought it's best we didnt' get married just in case he did it again (and again) (and as I've just found out, again!)
So he goes away to give me a little peace and I spot that he's left his Facebook logged in so I nosey...well you have to don't you when you know he's been 'trying' to play away.
First I spot the messages to the 'last girl' the one he promised me he'd delete from his phone and FB and never ever speak to again....well he did... a couple of weeks ago, he was telling her how crap it was at home, how bored and fed up of me he was. He didn't DO anything wrong though!
Then I spotted a scantily clad lady so clicked on her....'hi, it's me from the 'naughty site' do you want some fun?' and oh boy did he want some fun, filthy disgusting talk persued (just a bit of fun) then she wanted him to log into her webcam but somehow he had a few problems and didn't make it....so he didn't DO anything wrong!

I think I'm well rid!
I think I'm heartbroken.
I feel such a fool.
I can't stop throwing up.
I HATE HIM

coping?

I hate going to the school. It feels like everyone knows and is looking at me. That's probably not true because I haven't told anyone and I'm pretty sure my friend hasn't. Although Graham has it as knowledge on his FB and there are a few of his friends in the playground. So I stand well back and don't talk to anyone, then when the door opens I rush in grab the kids and go. I usually have Lucy complaining can we walk with Sofie, or Jae, but I just don't want to be talking to their parents :-(

Graham won't leave me alone, he's texting, phoning or coming around. Today he even bought me flowers. He keeps saying he's sorry and it didn't mean anything but this is a lot more than that. Maybe, just maybe if he hadn't played so close to home with someone I see every day then there might be a little forgiveness in me, but not right now. I will forgive him eventually because I totally believe in forgiveness, not forgiving makes you bitter and sad. But forgiving does not mean I have to take him back.

Last night I lay awake in bed for two hours dissecting a day out we had in the holidays where she came along. My imagination probably went into overdrive but they did spend a lot of time together, they had loads of fun and I was the one fussing and looking after the kids. The boring sensible one who wasn't up for smoking a little pot behind the loos. Then on the bus on the way home she sat at the back with two of the girls, Graham was sitting with the pushchair at the front and I was in between with Leila. I looked at him and he was staring towards the back of the bus and I remember how the look in his eyes and face really touched me. Who was he looking at with so much tenderness. He saw me and instantly said he was looking at Lucy. Of course he would say that. I can't argue, I can't prove otherwise, but it's there like a poisonous seed in my mind.

He keeps begging me to take him back but I can't even think of it right now. I'm convinced that just a couple of weeks apart and he won't be begging anymore, he'll be enjoying his freedom too much.

Break Up!

It started in the morning when Graham go up and asked me when I'd got my new top. I told him I'd wore it to the Christening on Sunday but he swore he'd never seen it before. He was adamant until I showed him a photo of me at the christening in said top. I don't know why but I couldn't stop thinking about why he hadn't noticed what I was wearing.

Later we were at the shops about to seperate to go into different stores when his mobile rang and it was Craige for me (I'd left my mobile in my other jacket at home.) I took his phone with me while Craige rambled on about the cat bringing a bird into the house. Oh, I said, that's a bad omen!
While waiting for Graham to catch up with me I just felt the urge to nosey around his mobile and came accross a series of messages from Sunday to my friend.
It started as friendly flirting, they'd been sent after the christening and after I'd gone to bed. Then the flirting got stronger 'You looked so sexy today babe' 'yeah I know, I always do, lol'
Then, 'can I come around yours?' 'nah man, you got a mrs and she's really nice' 'yeah I know, sorry'
10 minutes later..... 'if I was single would you?'
I felt sick and shaky. Why does he have to do this? The first time it was his mate playing a joke, yes, I really fell for that! The second was not so easy to get out of, page after page of sickening MSN messages on his laptop as he hadn't known they were all automatically saved. We split for a couple of days after that, but I took him back because he didn't actually meet up with her. Then there was a series of flirty texts to a friend he was supposedly fixing his brother up with. I didn't know her but apparently he had gone to school with her and they swapped mobile numbers over Facebook. Like a fool I gave him one last chance.
He blew it!
'We haven't done anything for two months' he told her. (It's been 3 weeks) That's because our baby keeps me awake most of the night and I'm surviving on 3-4 hours sleep, I told him to come to bed with me at 11pm if he wants some because I just can't summon up the need at 3am when he's finished on his PS3.


So he's moved into his mum's until he can find somewhere to live. He was always around there anyway.
And I have to carry on as normal. I have to go around the school and see my friend, 20 yrs younger than me, and think of how he wanted her more than he cared for our relationship. She came to me in tears, 'I'm sorry I flirted back, I was a bit drunk, I didn't mean anything' 'It's ok' I said 'at least you turned him down'
Always forgiving, always soft, I can hear my mum saying you need a spine.

So now I'm a single mum again. Last time I had a family, I had friends, I was working and I had my youth. I found it really hard but I survived. I have none of that now and right at this minute, no will to survive.

The Christening

We had Leila and Joseph christened together on September 9th 2011 at Weoley Castle Community Church.
We arrived at the church at 10.30am ready for service at 11am. Leila's godparents where my brother and sister-in-law, Joseph's were Graham's brother and our niece. The service was lovely and Leila and Joseph were well behaved, especially when baptised and they got soaked. When Lucy was christened the minister just wet her finger and drew a cross on her forhead. This time the water was actually poured onto Leila and Joseph, but they didn't even flinch.
After the service we went back to our home where I'd put on  a buffet for lunch. Id' been cooking since 6.30am!! I had also made a cake (photo to follow) I think I may be getting addicted to making cakes :-)
The last guests didn't leave until 7pm so it was a very long day!

The cake with a little Leila and Joseph

Joseph in his suit, minus shoes

Leila

Joesph and my brother

Lucy's Birthday part two -Great Yarmouth

24th August was Lucy's actual birthday, I bought her some games for her wii and let her have them a day early as we had a coach trip to Great Yarmouth planned on her actual birthday.

7.40 am we walked to local post office to get coach along with nan and grandad.
The coach was crammed, we were the last to get on and although there were six seats, none of them were together. After a moan that we couldn't let the girls sit on their own next to strangers we ended up with Graham and the girls squashed into two seats, me, Joe and nan on another two seats and grandad next to a stranger.
Joe slept for two hours which was a relief. Then we had a break and a further hour of travelling. The girls were really well behaved.
We arrived at Great Yarmouth at 12pm and headed for the beach. The sun was shining and it was warm. Once on the beach we got out the bucket and spades and picnic. We had a paddle in the sea but poor Leila ended up falling face first into the water. I bought towels and clothes though so no real panic. A couple of hours later and it looked like it was going to rain so we packed up and headed towards shelter. It did rain, for about 5 mins and not very heavy.
Next we went to the pier and the girls had fun on the fair at the end. The sun was back and it was turning out to be a lovely day.
Then we went for  a walk around the shops buying rock and treats (Lucy and Leila had Sonic and Amy from a collectors shop) we stopped for a little rest and drink and then on again to find some milk for Joseph.
Then it was back to the beach and the girls went on some bouncy castles while we sat on deck chairs.
We then found a little cafe so we could have a nice hot meal, it was now around 6.30pm and we were all getting a little tired. I think that after filling up we were quite ready to go home but there was still a few hours left. mmmmm not returning until 10pm had sounded like a good idea at first.
After tea I took the girls and Joseph for a clean up and change. Then we went to another little fair and the girls had some more rides.
It got dark and the girls were tired. Joseph was sleeping in his pushchair so we sat on a bench by the sea and the girls had a nap. Finally it was time for the firework display and this woke up the girls. Then it was time to get back on the coach. Joseph and the girls slept all the way home.
We got back at 3.15am !!! to a torrential downpour, oh joy!
It was a lovely day and the kids were all so well behaved, but I dont' think I'd go on a trip with such a late return again.

Lucy's Birthday

There are both pro's and cons to having a birthday in the summer, you don't have to go to school, the weather is more likely to be nice (good for days out and outside parties) but you don't get many turn up for your party because you are not at school and lots of friends are on holiday. Lucy doesn't get many turn up to her parties as she doesn't see her school friends during the holidays, maybe it will change as she gets older.

So although her birthday is not until Wednesday (24th) she had her party on Saturday. She chose a Tangled (Rapunzel) theme. Quite handy as I'd already bought her a Rapunzel dress :-)
The cake we decided was to be the tower, and ended up being my nightmare. I never, ever want to make an upright cake again, cake is not meant to go up!

Anyway, she had a fun day, I'll let the photo's do the talking (although I did forget to take pics of the party games)

Tangled Cake which ended up being 10 cm shorter than originally planned

party food

enjoying some food

Tangled lanterns activity

Sleep

There was a time that I would talk about sleep, or rather the lack of it, all the time on this blog. So I'll forgive you if you thought that maybe things were good now. In fact I don't think it's ever been so bad. Joseph is easily the worst sleeper I've had. He can wake up at least twice every night and is very reluctant to go back to sleep. He doesn't like his cot, he doesn't like co-sleeping, he does like the settee, but only for an hour or so. The longest period he has slept is 4 hours, mostly it's up to an hour during the day (once, sometimes twice) and two to three hours throughout the night.
Sleep deprivation is hard to deal with. I find myself finding it difficult to get through the day, I forget things all the time and sometimes simple tasks are so difficult to perform. I get days which I call fuzzy because I can't focus on anything.
Then during the day I have a moany baby to deal with which is no fun at all. The last few days/nights have been the worst ever.
And now Joseph is a year old, he had his birthday yesterday.

Let it Rain!

The past few days have been so hot. I know it's a sin to complain about hot weather in the British summer time, but I honestly don't care for hot weather anyway, mild weather yes, no rain  ok, windy  fine, but hot hot hot and muggy....no thanks!
Yesterday we had some new lino for the kitchen. We do actually have some really nice red tiles on the floor, but I couldn't live with them. I tried once, I polished them to a gleam and they looked lovely, but they were so cold and hard, and difficult to keep clean. Give me a nice piece of lino anyday. I don't do laminate either, tried it, hated it. Always looks nice in other people's houses, but I just can't live with it.
While Graham was laying the lino, the girl's were around nanny's house and I was set to take Joseph to playgroup. Then I found myself (And Joe) on the bus going to the cemetery. I've not been for months now and was feeling incredibly guilty. So I took the opportunity to visit. I had a real good rabbit to my mum, you could tell I had some catching up to do. I'm sure she loved all the gossip from the big family party we went to last week.

Today we decided to take the kids to the park, it's about 15 minutes walk away. Going was ok, but it was hot and tough. The girls were excited on seeing the park and Leila got stuck in straight away. Lucy wasn't so happy though, the slide was too high, I pushed her too high on the swings and spun her too fast on the roundabout. Then she had an headache and her legs ached. I really don't understand a (almost) six year old little girl not liking the park. So we sat down in the shade to cool off for a while then set off home.

 By the time we got back we were all exhausted and hot and sweaty. Not fun at all. I think we'll stay indoors from now on!

Recipes for a perfect marriage

I've just read a book called Recipes for a Perfect Marriage by Kate Kerrigan. Not really my sort of book at all, all slushy and romantic. In fact I don't even know where it came from, probably a book bundle I bought sometime. Anyway,  I was looking for something to read and this one caught my eye because it has actual recipes in it. I'm totally addicted to cook books, so I gave it a whirl. The blurb on the back promises an insight as to whether true love can be learnt. Something that strikes a chord with me, as I often feel incapable of true love, whatever that means.

The story itself is quite nice, set in two different lifetimes it follows the story of a grandmother and that of her grandaughter alternately. Both of them in seemingly loveless marriages, both of them foodies. I didn't care much for the grandaughter but the grandmothers story revealed some beautiful insights into life, dreams, love and motherhood. There are a couple of quotes I'd like to share. The first is from when the grandmother's mother-in-law dies and she is looking at her orphaned husband in his grief.

"A mother draws a map for her child and places herself in the centre of it. Her death wipes that map clean. She leaves you knowing you must redraw it to survive and yet not knowing where to start."

Anyone who has lost a mother they were close too can relate to that. I have never in my life felt so lost and alone in the world as when my mother died, for a while I wondered if it was possible for me to survive, what was the point. Then I began redrawing my map, often thinking what would my mother say, always with a sense of loss, but also with a sense of freedom never felt before. A mother's bond can be very strong.

The second quote comes from the grandmother's reflections on being a mother. She only has one child and longs for more but it never happens.

"No matter what wisdom or tricks for happiness you learn, a mother worries every day of her life for her child. A wise one will pretend to let them go to keep them, but it's just a sweet and sensible lie. Motherhood is a sweet sweet suffering; a joy today is marked by a fear for tomorrow and a craving for yesterday."

How quick does motherhood fly by, how quick do our children grow? It's scary, we want to hold them as babies, but we want them to grow and mature as well. We worry constantly even when they no longer require us to worry for them. Letting go is the hardest. I'm lucky as I've a whole brood around me, but does that mean I have five times the worry, does that mean I have to learn to let go five times over? What happens when Joseph leaves the nest?

Even though this was not the type of book I wouldn't normally read, I will admit to have actually enjoyed it. And, yes, I've tried some of the recipes too. In fact, yesterday I cooked the Slow Roasted Clove Ham, it took me hours. I liked it but the big kids said they preferred it cooked quickly, tough and salty! What do they know eh?

Leila's 4th Birthday

I decided to have Leila's birthday party a few days early at the weekend as they had just broken up from school and thought it would be a good chance of her little nursery friends turning up. Well, out of the 20 in total invited we ended up with 8 guests. Leila didn't mind she had a fantastic day, and the party went really well. I went with a princess and pirates theme, sadly we only had one pirate arrive. We made tiara's and telescopes in the garden, then while the kids were helping themselves to the buffet Graham and another dad hid loads of gold coins in the garden. I gave all the kids gold bags and told them to go and find the treasure. It was a big hit, they loved it. Then they brought their treasure to me and I rewarded them with sweets. We also played pass the parcel and musical statues and Graham entertained them all on his guitar while they made up songs.

For her birthday I bought a joint present for the garden for her and Lucy (who's birthday it is in 4 weeks time) Last year they had a playhouse, this year a swing and glider. I also bought her some smaller presents to open up.
So my little princess is now four!

Lucy's Diagnosis

I'm a bit late with this but last Tuesday I took Lucy to the pyschologist for another assessment, she has them every six months. We went on the bus and it was quite a long walk but she didn't complain. In the waiting room she was really good, she sat reading books to me then played with some building blocks. She was quiet and never complained about the wait, which ended up as 45 minutes. Some of the other children in the waiting room were complete nightmares, I was worn out just watching them.
Then we went in to see the dr. Lucy was ok for a few minutes then I lost her as she went off into her own world. She was upside down on the chair and making weird noises. While I was talking to the dr Lucy was completely oblivious of what was happening, when we directed a question at her we had to try several times before we got a response. This is quite typical of Lucy, one minute she can be perfectly normal and fine, then she's off into her own little space which is hard to penetrate, we usually say she's off in Lucy's world.
Her report from school stated that although her work was good she often became distracted by seemingly nothing and just stopped working. She would talk at totally inappropriate times during lessons and still didn't mix much with the other children. She has her special friends but she doesn't really interact with them either, I see an example of this when she comes out of school, she'll beg me to wait for a particular friend, then walk with them for about 10 seconds before going off on her own. She doesn't like change at school and will become withdrawn if told to do something different. she also complains that the other children are too noisy.
At home she is very obsessed with her gaming, she is happiest when playing on the wii, and when we tell her to come off (with give her time limits for play) she will often want to go on the pc and look at websites or videos relating to her games. We try to encourage her to do something different but she'll go back to it as soon as we take our attention away.  She is also very routine orientated. Her game goes on at the same time every day, although it's different at weekends or when there is no school (although if she if off school sick then the game is not allowed on.) Then after dinner she likes to go out in the garden for 1/2 hour. She hates going out with us and refuses to go to the shops. She will reluctantly go out if we are going somewhere nice, she's be quite happy to never go out at all. The only other place she will willingly go is her nan's house, which is next door but one. Another problem is her tioleting, she has never gone to the tiolet for a poo, she has to start it in her pants first. We have tried everything. Tiolet training at first was a real struggle and she wasn't dry until nearly 4 yrs old.

With all this evidence in mind the pyschologist came up with a working diagnosis of high functioning autism. So although she is sure that Lucy has a form of autism she will need continous assessment until we have a definate diagnosis.

Pneumonia

Leila has now been diagnosed with pneumonia. Last week I took her to the drs 3 times, on Monday I was told her chest was clear and she probably had a virus. On Thursday when I complained she was tired all the time because of the coughing keeping her awake I was given a bottle of cough linctus. Saturday, the dr said her chest was clear but thought she needed an xray and gave me a letter for the hospital.
So yesterday I took her to the hospital radiography department and she had her xray. When sent like this the xray is usually sent to your GP and you have to go and see them in about 5 days for the result. This time the radiographer told us to take her to the GP straight away and sent her xrays immediately. So we knew something was up. The dr said she had bi-lateral inflammation of the bronchi (bronchitis) and masses on both lungs which indicated pneumonia. So my little girl is really poorly. We've been given some strong anti-biotics and have to go back for a follow up xray.
Leila has been coughing since just after Christmas. I've taken her to the dr so many times. She had anti-biotics which did nothing to help. Then the dr thought it must be asthma and gave her a reliever inhaler (Ventolin). It helped a little at first but then she got bad again, so two weeks later she was given a second preventive inhaler. This didn't seem to have much affect at all.
I'm not a dr so I don't know what has happened for her to get so bad, but I do think she has asthma (Craige had asthma as a child too) and she's been getting infections one after the other on top of it.
I've been carrying on as normal thinking it's just asthma and we need to carry on as it will be with us for years. I've been sending her to nursery, which has been ok mostly but last week she was just getting more and more poorly. Now, I'm going to keep her home and try to get her better.

School Day Trips

This week it was the girls school day trips and they were both going to the seaside, Weston-Super-Mare. Only Lucy went on Wednesday and Leila went to today. To keep down costs we decided one parent to go with each. Lucy chose daddy so I was with Leila.
I'll start with our trip today. First off I found out that the two friends I speak to most at the school were not going so I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Never mind I though, me and Leila can have some special time together, and I was sure we wouldn't be on our own all day. Little did I know that I would be the only person who did not take someone else along. So ok it was just me and Leila then, we could still have fun couldn't we?

We arrived at lunch time during a torrential downpour, so we ran into a shelter and had our picnic. Then we hopped from shelter to shelter to get to the pier, but still ended up like drowned rats, literaly dripping wet. The pier was ok, Leila went on a few of the little rides and it was warm and dry. But Leila really wasn't her usual bubbly self and kept asking me to pick her up. I was dying for  a coffee but the queue was long and Leila was bored, so I thought we'd go and see if it had stopped raining.Yeah! it had

So off to the beach for a donkey ride....Leila looks over the side of the pier and says 'wow, what a big muddy pond!'

We get to the beach and Leila starts screaming for me to pick her up. The sand is wet and sticky like mud and we've got sandles on. Leila hated it. I carried her to the donkeys and we got into a train being pulled by a horse. The ride along the beach was lovely, the sun shined and we both enjoyed it.....that was the best 5 minutes of the day.

After I carried her back to the pavement, all the time she was screaming 'carry me', but I was carrying her, but she still carried on screaming. So I put her down and she screamed more, so I picked her up and she screamed still, I sat her on a chair, I sat her on my lap on a chair, I offered her food, drinks, sweets, ice cream, gifts, but I couldn't stop her crying. Eventually I went and sat with her in an empty shelter and waited for her to cry it out. Obviously she just wasn't feeling well.

Once calm was resumed I decided to continue my quest for a cup of coffee. There was a cafe nearby on the beach. I made a deal with Leila, I'd carry her to the picnic bench on the beach and she could wait there for me while I fetched a coffee. I offered her an ice cream but she refused. Once on the bench we spotted one of her little friends with a bucket and spade. She came over to Leila with her uncle and tried to entice Leila to play but it didn't work. So I sat and drank my coffee with Leila on my lap and managed a 10 minute chat with another adult. It had been sunny now for around 40 minutes so I guess the big black ominous cloud above us was a reminder that this was definately not going to be a beach day. I announced that  I didn't fancy getting wet again and left for the shelter of the local town centre. We went to a little playground that I knew of, but Leila didn't want to play. Then the heaven's opened again so we went into the indoor market. It was crap but dry. I was bored, Leila just wanted to be hugged or carried, I couldn't think of anything else to do and it was another hour before time to go home.
We ended up in a cafe where I had a pot of tea and Leila had a plate of chips which she didn't touch (the waitress asked why and I told her she wasn't feeling too good so she didn't charge me for them) she sat colouring a picture and pen set I'd just paid £1 for in the market. We stayed there until it was time to get back on the coach.
The journey home was a nightmare 4 hours (should have been 2) we had a little girl fall down the steps of the coach and smash her face in, a mum go missing for 25 minutes while we were all waiting at the service station, turns out there was big queue at KFC (it was supposed to be a 10 minute tiolet stop) we had to have a second tiolet stop for one child who was desperate and despite the desperate please of the coach driver, everyone else child had to go pee urgently too (or rather the parents were desperate for a fag) We stayed on the coach, Leila didn't want to move.  So we got home two hours late and totally miserable. I had a crap day, but I feel so bad that my little girl had such a terrible day too.

Graham's trip with Lucy hadn't been totally stress free either. He'd been placed in charge of a friends little girl who was really cheeky and naughty all day. But they did have the sunshine, and Graham had company all day when he teamed up with another mum.

The Quiet Birthday

Today would have been my little brother's birthday had he still been alive.
His death has affected me so much but I can't talk to anyone.
I didn't speak to him for 8 yrs prior to his death, apart from the last few weeks of his life while together we watched our mum deteriorate quickly into her demise.
He did some bad things, some would say unforgivable. But I can't hate him now he's gone. He wasn't all bad, just wired up wrong. It's sad that there is no real cure. So yes, even though he turned my life upside down and caused me and my family incredible amounts of distress, I can still find it in my heart to forgive him. I still feel pain that he died in such a horrid and lonely way. I still miss him.

I miss him as the child I grew up with, not the man he became.

Birthday

Over the next eight weeks we have four family birthdays, so a very busy birthday time for us.
This was eldest daugher's 22nd birthday and she was moody from the start. Last year as it was her 21st I wanted to make it special, but she didn't. Her dad came over from France, she hated him being here. I had a party, not a birthday party and not actually on her birthday but as it was a few days before everyone turned up with cards and gifts. She hated it. She complained all year. This year I tried to play it down. I mentioned a cake, she said no, then she agreed if she could help decorate it. So we made a cake the night before and it was fun.

On her birthday I took her out to lunch to Yo Sushi. That was good, we love sushi.
Then she got moody, and snappy, and then horrible.
WE ended up shouting at each other by the end of the day. I really didn't want to, but she left me no choice, there is only so much I can endure.
The cake was nice though (Chocolate)

Family Fun Day

Father's Day and Family Fun Day at the University....and we actually had fun.
 We got to the university at about 12pm, the girls wanted to go straight to the fair. Everything was free, including entry and the fair rides. The girls went on the Helter Skelter first, I went up with them. Lucy didn't hesitate jumping on her mat and going down. Leila was a little scared as we were so high, so I went down with her. She loved it. They also went on a bouncy castle and had a go at Hook A Duck before getting hungry. There were lots of places to eat but everywhere was crowded so we went to the Student's Guild and ordered baked potatoes and chips from the bar, I also bought Graham a pint because it was Father's Day.
 There was so much to do and not enough time so we had to choose from all that was on offer. Graham had a go at clay pigeon shooting, I had a go at acting in a scene from Doctors, the girls did some digging for dinosaur bones. Then there was just enough time to go back to the children's area in the guild for face painting, bouncy castle, arts and crafts. Sadly the girls didn't get around to the face painting as the queue was too long, but they still had fun.
We left about 4.30pm and everyone was happy. All it had cost was our bus fare and the money for the food and drink at lunch time, which was a lot less than what we would spend in Mc Donalds.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I'm so fed up of my big kids today, they are selfish and spiteful and I can't believe that I brought them up, I went wrong somewhere.
Without going into too much detail, big daughter was really mean to Lucy at breakfast time because she's not quite got the hang of holding a spoon properly and was making a mess with her cereal. It doesn't help that the younger one Leila can eat perfectly well, but it's out of order for her to start calling Lucy stupid and retarted. She made Lucy cry and I had to intervene ( I hadn't been in the room when it started but could hear what was going on) She did apologise to Lucy afterwards, but it was all totally uncalled for and something she does too frequently.
To make up for her meanness early big daughter came home from work with doughnuts. A bag for her and big son, and a bag for the girls. Big son come down and said "why did you buy 'them' doughnuts?" To which she replied "well they were 70p a bag or 2 for £1"
 So big son says, "well you could have saved both bags for us"
grrrrrrr, how mean! They barely ever think of the girls anyway, they don't get birthday cards or presents, or anything at christmas, now he's begrudging them a few doughnuts.
Then there is the money issue, always a problem.
I asked big daughter for her rent and she says she can't pay this week because she's just bought herself a tv for her room. So that means I have to use my weekend food money to pay her share of the rent. Big son pipes up, "you can lend it off me and I won't pay you next week!"
OH THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
So we'll go without food next week too because SHE can't pay her way!!!


How did they get like this? I really don't know, but I must be to blame.

23 years ago.....

I was having a little break from looking after my firstborn son and left him with my mum. My older brother got his video camera out and filmed him. I think he was about 4 months old. The video is just over 4 minutes long and 3 of those is just focused on a finger sucking baby in his carrycot in the window along with some iffy music (the music is ok just the recording iffy) Then for the last minute there is footage of my mum who I lost Christmas 2008, my little dog Sam who I lost March 1989 and the voice of my youngest brother who I lost New Year 2009. Precious little snippets that I didn't know I had.

I had seen the video before but forgotten about it. My older brother transferred it to cd in 2002 and gave it to me. I know I watched it but it probably gave me different feelings then as in 2002 I wasn't in contact with my mum and hadn't seen her for two years.

Anyway, I've uploaded the video to YouTube to share for a while
http://youtu.be/qkgBEH2TCjg

Why Men Can't Shop*

I stopped sending my other half to the shops for me a long time ago, I got fed up of him getting the wrong things, paying too much for things, buying things I haven't asked for and then forgetting to give me the change. I just couldn't afford to send him anymore....but on Sunday Joseph was poorly and I really wanted to stay home with him so I wrote a list.

• Lamb (it's on special offer but if they haven't got any left then get a chicken) Don't spend more than £6
• 2 packets of biscuits, 1 custard creams, 1 bourbons
• bread
• sugar

Easy peasy eh!

Not so! As he was leaving he could plainly see that I was getting Joseph to sleep.
5 minutes after he left the phone rings waking Joseph up.
HIM "they've got no lamb left"
ME "do they have chicken?"
HIM "yes"
ME "well get the chicken then, I've got to go now Joseph is screaming his head off after the phone woke him.

5 minutes later, I'd just managed to stop Joseph screaming.
HIM "Do you want me to try somewhere else for the lamb?"
ME "No, it's not on special offer anywhere else, just get the chicken"

So he gets home with a £4 chicken, cheap? yes, big enough? no
2 packets of biscuits, 1 custard creams, 1 garibaldi (I'm the only one in the house that likes garibaldi and I'm on a diet)
sugar
bread
bottle of coke
packet of baccy
no change!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

*disclaimer, I'm sure there are men out there that are able to shop, I've just not met one yet.

Random Thoughts

Invisible- I've felt invisible all my life, at home, at school, online, now. I'm the one who lurks in the background and is always remembered at the last minute, if at all. Mostly it doesn't bother me, I don't crave attention all the time. Sometimes I do crave attention though and it feels wrong to do so, like I'm forcing people to notice me.

Mother- one of my greastest joys in my life is being a mother. It's also one of my greatest sadnesses. I love my kids so dearly but often feel as though I'm not doing a very good job. I try to be positive and look at what my kids have done right rather than wrong, but I do feel as though I've let the older ones down. I get told by them that I've let them down and that hurts. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have had any more kids as I'll only ruin their lives too. So much for having the patience of a saint and always, always putting my kids first and foremost above everything. I guess at times even everything is not enough.

Life achievements- as a family person I'm happy that I've spent my life raising my family (despite being unappreciated) I'm happy with my working life, I've enjoyed most of the jobs I've had and gained a lot from all of them. I'm happy with my education, I'd have liked a slightly better grade for my degree as I wanted to go further with my pyschology, but I worked hard for what I have and I'm definately not ashamed.

Regrets - I have a few. I wish I'd travelled more. I've never flown, never left the country, never had a passport even. Also, I've never owned my own home. I did come close once when I exercised my 'right to buy' my council home and had huge plans for home improvement, but then I had to give up my job before it was realised.

Love - is what I lack. I've never felt truly loved. Those I have dared to love have let me down with lies and cheating. No-one has ever completed me, no-one has ever made me feel loved, feel special. Now I feel so cold I don't think I want love anymore anyway.

What Is It With Thursdays?

This morning we had a visit from the bailiffs. My mum would turn in her grave with the shame.

It all started about 18 months ago when Graham started a new job. When he signed off from Jobseekers he was given a form to sign to request 5 weeks continuation of rent and council tax benefit. So we didn't pay any rent or council tax for 5 weeks. It was months later that we learnt he wasn't entitled to the five weeks continuation because he hadn't been out of work for 6 months previously, and we were faced with a £600+ debt.

The rent is paid but the council tax was still ongoing. I was paying every month so I was surprised when I got a letter from the Bailiffs saying that I hadn't been keeping up with the payments and unless I paid the full amount they would be around to collect. I owed £298 (I'm pretty sure the original bill was less than that?) Anyway, I made some calls and apparently even though I'd been paying monthly I hadn't been paying on the correct day and I'd paid 3 days late 3 months in a row so my account had been handed over to the bailiffs. Perhaps if they had let me know I was supposed to be paying on a particular day every month I would have been more meticulous with the payments.
After being transferred to someone else I made another arrangement to pay £51 a month for the next 6 months, the payments had to be made on the same date every month. I've paid 3 months now so I was suprised when the bailiffs turned up, well completely shocked more like.

So I argued, showed my receipts, and the man was actually quite nice about it. He could see my mistake. I'd been paying the money to the council tax office when I should have been making it to the bailiffs. Perhaps someone should have told me that in the beginning? After another call I discovered that when they transferred me to someone else on my last call to the council tax office they had actually transferred me to the bailiffs office so it was with them I'd made the agreement of payment. I hadn't known that?

Anyway, the bailiffs left with nothing and I just have to continue my payments to the correct office, with the addition of some extra fees....£160 extra fees!!

Where is that bloody lottery win?

Thursday was a bad day, it started bad and ended bad but in completely different ways. Throughout the day I had arguments with Cassie, Craige and Graham. I had a miserable teething baby who just wouldn't shut up. I lost my tv and internet for several hours, which is unthinkable in our house. Then finally when all was peaceful I settled to watch a dvd I'd been waiting to watch and the bloody thing wouldn't work.

I don't think I've had more than four hours of sleep all week and sometimes I think I'm going crazy Im so tired.

On Friday I decided I had to get out, so I rustled up a picnic and me and Graham took the girls for a walk to feed the ducks and paddle in a stream. We were out for 3 hours with no arguing or moaning and it was all really nice. Of course when we got back Graham was suffering from withdrawel symptoms and went straight around his mums.

This morning I woke up feeling really down. I can't even explain why, I just felt that I couldn't go on anymore and that everyone would be much happier without me. I figured the little ones would do better to lose me now than to risk growing up anything like me. I feel my time is fast running out and I've achieved so little.

Then I came to my senses and had a good cleaning and ironing session while Joseph had a nap. Made me feel much better. The rest of the day hasn't been too bad. Hey I even got extra change in the supermarket, how often does that happen. I know, if I was a honest person I'd have given it back as soon as I realised but it meant I could afford Easter eggs for the girls so sod the Co-Op!

A Day In the Life

Not so much a day in the life, but my life in general.


At this time Joseph is the biggest part of my life, he takes up most of my time and steals most of my sleep. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't even think straight. I long for him to start sleeping through the night, but at the same time I'm just so used to not sleeping I don't think I would be able to sleep anyway even if he did.
He is so gorgeous though, I'd forgive him anything. I just love everything about him. He's turned my life upside down but I wouldn't be without him, he was sent for a reason and I love him so much.

I'm convinced that Lucy has Asperger's syndrome even though she doesn't have an official diagnosis yet. So far life with her is easy so long as we don't try to get her to do anything new. She's a good girl really, and easy to look after. I know things will probably get more difficult, I know with  my eldest son that his problems didn't really start until he reached his pre-teens. At least having been through it once I know what to expect now. I just hope she doesn't suffer much prejudice or persecution.


Leila is a sweetie, she really makes me laugh sometimes, she's the family clown. She is very demanding though, she can't go five minutes without asking me for something, and it's usually something to eat. She is jealous of Joseph, which is understandable, but you can see she loves him too.

Cassie is currently my biggest problem. She is undergoing assessment for Bi-Polar. Her mood swings are really difficult to live with. She has a high rise bed so you can hear her drop down from it when you are downstairs, and often that sound alone is enough to put me on edge. I have no idea what to expect from her when she gets downstairs, and even if it's not bad it can change in a instant. I'm playing it by ear, I've put up with it for years but still don't know how to deal with her. She's still alive so I suppose I've done something right. I worry about her so much it makes me feel ill.

Craige is currently going through quite a peaceful stage in his life, we rarely have those huge temper tantrums he used to have regularly, his mood is fairly predictable. Of course his little idiosyncrasies can be annoying at times but I've had plenty of time to get used to him know. I do know how to deal with him. (Although there was that incident a couple of weeks ago at 3am, *sigh*)

Graham is out of work and depressed, or something! Our relationship has taken a nose dive because he has become incredibly moody. Sometimes I don't know who is worse out of him and Cassie. And they clash with each other too, with me in the middle. He still spends more time around his mum's house than he does at home, he still stays up until 3 or 4am, he still has little regards for my feelings and doesn't know how to say sorry. He still says he loves me but I don't believe him anymore. I don't know what we are doing together we just bring each other down all the time.

And me? I still do everything around the house, I still have to manage the household finances on my own, I have to keep the peace, I have to please everyone, I have very little time to myself, I am running out of dreams and hopes, I'm so tired I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm so worried I get scared to think.

I often think they would all be better off without me.
I often think they wouldn't cope at all without me.

The Smile

I looked for him across the crowd and when I saw him he was already staring at me.

Then he smiled, such a warm and friendly smile, a genuine smile that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And I smiled back, not just with my face but from deep within, from the warm and fuzzy feeling he'd given to me.

Then I looked away.

Losing My Memory

I seem to be having trouble with my short term memory. Surely I am too young for it to be an age thing? My long term memory is fine, it's everyday things I'm having problems with and sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy. I'm always writing stuff down, working things out on good old tradtional paper, but sometimes I read something I've written and I don't have a clue what I was thinking of at the time. I'm hoping it's a temprorary hitch, perhaps related to this low patch I've been going through.

Wasting Away!

I've never had to diet. I'm tall, 5ft 8" and have always been in proportion. As a teenager I was skinny but I put on a lot of weight with my first baby (four stone!!) and I've never been skinny since. I lost a lot of weight after my second baby and managed to stay fairly slim for a long time.

Just before trying for my third baby, some 16 years later I had started to put on a little weight and was around 7lb heavier than usual. Then I had three babies in 5 years and now I am overweight. I know Joseph, my youngest, is only (almost) 8 months old but I thought I'd be at least my pre-pregnancy weight by now but it's not happening.

Although I've never dieted I have been more careful about what I eat at times, and I've done exercise regimes from time to time. Now I'm having to get working on losing this weight and getting back to being normal.

I have another one and a half stone to lose and have set myself a target of the end of May, that's nine weeks so I need to lose just over 2lb a week. I'm hoping it won't be difficult, I'll let you know how I get on.

Hippy, Goth, Rock Chic Geek

I've never really fitted into any specific genre completely, I'd like to think I had a particular identity but I'm more like a bit of this and a bit of that.

The hippy in me is the part that loves anything New Age, I'm into meditation and crystals and would love to live a free and easy life away from the city. I don't have much free time now but there was a period of my life where I felt I was really into all of this.

The Goth in me is the part that is fascinated by dark fantasies in particular Vampires, Werewolves and other supernaturals. I also love wearing black (When I'm not having a pink day) I love the way Goths go way over the top in their dress and make up, and I'd much rather be pale and dark haired than tanned and blonde.

The Rock Chic is self explanatory. I love rock music. I'm a big fan of all music really, even classical and opera, but if I had to choose just one genre above the rest it would be rock. I like blokes with long hair too but I've never dated one.

I have no problems admitting to being a Geek, so long as you realise I don't do freaky circus acts! I am into technology and education, I was considered a swot at school and a bookworm, but I was never bullied. I'm also into science fiction to a certain degree and I get obsessive over things.

I have no dress sense, I'm most happy in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and no they don't have to be branded or designer. I'd like to wear dresses and heels more often but they are not practical with three little ones to look after and to be honest I go with comfort over fashion.

I've never had much idea about what to do with my hair either, being naturally mousey and straight. When I was younger I would have it permed and backcombed, anything to stop it from looking straight. Then I went through a stage where it was always tied up. In my 30's I decided to go blonde for the first time, and I hated it, I couldn't wait for it to grow out. When straight hair became fashionable I was happy for the first time. I need just a few seconds to straighten out a couple of loose strands and I'm fitting in. My biggest bugbear now is having to dye my hair to cover the grey.

I don't wear make-up. Sometimes I'll slap on a little tinted moisturiser, lip balm and eye liner, but it has to be a special occasion before I apply anything else. I do actually enjoy 'making up' but I don't like cleaning it all off, and I don't often have to the time to do it anyway. At present I'm still waiting for the chloasma from my last pregnancy to fade properly, at it's worst it looked like a really bad 80's foundation application, you know the sort that ends at the edge of your face leaving your throat white while the rest of your face is brown. Last summer everyone thought I was tanned, but I don't leave the house without a smothering of sun block!

Things can only get better

Have you ever thought well things just can't get any worse? I was there last week, then things got worse, and keep on getting worse, I've stopped hoping for them to start getting better now and accepted that this is a really rough patch that I'm just going to have to get through. Forever the optimist I know what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. (Shouldn't I be made of steel by now?)

I don't want to get into it all but it's not just one thing that's getting me down but everything, relationships, money, health, children, the house, the car etc etc. And the world around me is shockingly tragic, even things that have nothing to do with me personally are affecting me. Last week a little girl died in my street, I didn't know her but her tragic death has had me grieving for her and her poor family, the flowers outside are a daily reminder of the tragedy. Then while in the local supermaket the other day a lady collapsed and died. I didn't know her either, what a sad way to go in the aisle of the Co-Op.

Then there is the cruel acts of nature in Australia, New Zealand and now Japan, such tragedy, so much loss, so much sadness. I'm not directly affected but feel the sadness so deeply. And there is so much war, so much tragic loss on a daily basis, so many families and homes destroyed by man, is there anything more awful.

I'm trying to find glimmers of hope and happiness but it's so hard right now.

A little Shock

My daughter today told me today that she had been making plans for leaving home. She starts a new job on Monday on a six month contract from which she is going to save as much as possible of her wages. That won't be difficult it's not like she spends much anyway. A friend of hers has just moved to Brighton and is currently flat sharing. He is going to look for a new flat in the next six months so that my daughter can go and share with him. She will be looking for jobs in Brighton before her contract ends. A real plan.
I don't know if she will go through with it but it's really knocked me for six. She really does drive me up the wall sometimes and we've had plenty of heated moments where I've told her to go. Now that seems like something that might happen I find I don't want to lose her. Of course she needs to get on with her life and she seems like she's working things out properly, but Brighton seems such a long way away, I was kind of hoping she'd live nearby so she could come and bother me regularly. I at least expected to continue doing her washing.

Repressed Memory

It was November 8th 1973. My daddy had gone off to do the night shift at British Layland and my aunt and nan had come to visit us. We had run out of sugar for the tea so mum sent me and my cousin Angela  to the outdoor (an offlicence that sold groceries too) just up the road. It was already dark but we didn't mind, we were like best friends as well as cousins.

When we got back there was  a police car outside my house and our neighbour Joan was outside ready to intercept us. We were taken into her house and sat in the living room. It was the first time I'd been in her living room although I'd spent lots of time in her garden playing with her son Timmy and I'd been in the kitchen for drinks and snacks, but never in the living room before. I held tightly on to the packet of sugar willing myself not to put my finger through it and make a mess. I was so nervous. I handn't a clue what was happening and nothing was said. Then we were told we could go home, I don't know how long we'd been there but Joan and her husband David had watched an episode of Crossroads and made a cup of tea. Angela and I didn't speak to each other, it was quite surreal.

Then, nothing! I've tried but I just can't remember what happened next. I don't remember leaving that living room or going home. I don't remember Angela going home, seeing my mum, going to bed, nothing, it's all a complete blank.

How can I remember so much detail after so long, and remember it as if I was still there? I can even remember how I felt all knotted up inside knowing something was wrong but not knowing what it was. Yet, I don't remember anything else at all after I left Joan's house to go home.

I guess that's what you call a repressed memory?

I won't keep you in the dark. What had happened was my lovely daddy had died on the way to work.

Can't let it out

I've been trying for ages to write a post. I write it all down and then scrap it. I guess I'm not ready to share just yet.
Things haven't changed at home, I doubt they ever will.
I think I'm not a very good mum, I really haven't done a good job with my eldest and now I worry for my little ones. Will I learn from experience?
I'm little fed up at the moment

Holding it off!

Sometimes I can feel it trying to tap in, it wants me so badly, it wants to take me down to that dark place where my thoughts and feelings get taken over by stuff I don't want in my head. But I'm fighting it, it's business as usual on the outside. Cassie said today I'd been horrible lately, but that's just her, I've not said or done anything she's just feeling guilty for not doing something I've asked her too. Well, that's done now so she'll probably see me as normal again now.
The big kids, who are no longer kids but you can't believe it the way they act, are driving me nuts lately. Surely it's time they grew up now. I love them to bits but sometimes I really don't like them much.
Graham has been driving me nuts too. He continues to behave in the ways that he knows annoy or upset me, it doesn't matter what I say or do it makes not difference.
Graham and the big kids are constantly bickering with each other over anything and everything, and I'm stuck in the middle. I used to try and keep the peace, I don't have the energy anymore.
What's the point?
No-one ever listens to me anyway.
I just cook and clean and wash the clothes. And take care of the little ones. And pay all the bills. And do all the shopping. And run an on demand taxi service.

But - I don't do anything right. I lose socks, I don't keep up with the ironing (Family of 7) my cooking is crap, I'm useless with money and my taxi is always late.

And I don't keep the house clean enough even though I'm the only one (Apart from Leila) who knows how to put things IN the bin (as opposed to on top of the bin, next to the bin, behind the bin, on the floor by the bin, or even just on the floor)

I used to do things a lot better, but somehow lately I've got slower and worse. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having three under 6 to look after?

So that's me right now, feeling low and worthless. I could go on about my money worries, about how my house is too small and really getting me down, but the truth is I'm tired of complaining. I know some people have it worse. I've been through worse and out the other side. So I'll shut up now.

Taking it's toll

Why does grief have to be so consuming? Time doesn't heal grief, that's a myth. I think the only plus point is that you feel it less frequently as time goes on, but it still hurts just as much when you do feel it.
This Christmas has been harder on me emotionally than last, as I suspected it must have been the pregnancy hormones last year that got me through. If it wasn't for the little ones I don't know if I'd bother with Christmas at all.
I went to the grave yesterday, it would have been mum's 80th birthday, and today is the second anniversary of Simeon's tragic death. I went alone with the only gift I can give, flowers, even though I knew there would be no space to place them. There were even more wreaths on there than on Christmas Eve, I think every family member and friend went there this year. While I stood there and thought of my mum and dad, my nan and my brother all there together I wanted to be there too. Wherever there is, if there even is a there, it has to be better than here right now. I miss my family so much, but I can't leave my little ones without their mummy can I. Can I?