Thanks Kids!

My little darlings are all better but now mummy is sick :(
It's only a cold but I am feeling sorry for myself. It looks like I am doomed to never sleep through the night ever again.

Lucy went back to nursery today, bless her she was so excited. She only has a week and then it's two weeks off. I'm going to plan lots of 'cheap' activites for the holidays, I really don't want to be stuck around here.

Something Lighter

When Lucy, 3yrs, has finished dinner she takes her plate, empties the leftovers in the bin and puts it in the sink.
When Leila, 20 months, finishes dinner she empties her leftovers on the table and throws her plate in the bin ~(or sometimes the sink)

Poorly Kids on the Mend

It's not been a good week. I took the girls to the dr on Monday who said they had bronchitis. Ahh so that's why they were coughing all night long. So sleep has been scarce and the girls have been housebound and miserable, and I've been pretty miserable too.
Today was a little better though. I managed to get some sleep last night, albiet with the little one in bed with me all night. They were much brighter today so I decided to take them to playgroup for an hour. They really loved it and came home covered in paint and soaking wet!
I'm hoping that maybe they will sleep again tonight and I can start functioning properly (as if I ever did in the first place!)
This weekend Graham has promised to sort out the toy room for me. I won't hold my breath as the promise has been standing since December, but fingers crossed. If he doesn't then I might just cart the kids off to their nan's and do it myself. There's nothing I can't manage myself, I lived without a man for 7 years so I can do most things, it's just not easy doing anything with two demanding toddlers under your feet.
Anyway, eitherway, on Monday I'm going to report that toy room is finished, painted carpeted and toys put away. Watch this space!

P.s. I've been tweeking my blog, adding this and that. I was going to change the skin but couldn't find one I liked better than this sickly salmon pink. I 'll ask the big daughter if she can do anything about it.

Mothers Day

Today has not been a good day for lots of reasons, but mostly because my mum is not here. I miss her so much there are no words strong enough to explain the pain. I took some flowers to the cemetery and saw her grave stone complete with engraving for the first time. It makes it more real now, I have to accept that she's gone.

As for the rest of my day, well to be honest I'd rather not say. There was a lot of crap and some nice bits but now none of it seems to matter. I had time out today. I took the girls to the woods and we had a walk around. Not quite as warm as it has been lately, but still nice enough. Sadly we found a dead badger which frightened Lucy, but it also made me realise that she doesn't understand death. She still thought it would bite her even though I'd told her it was dead and it was not moving at all.

I've just been reading Cassie's Live Journal, (yes she knows, she had to add me as a friend, but if there is anything she doesn't want me to see she only has to tick a box) Strange it may seem but it's a good way to communicate, you can be a lot more honest and open when writing things down. (Any blogger would know that) I do talk to Cassie, some days she's more open to talking than others but she knows she can talk to me anytime. Anyway, I digress, back to the LJ entry, she said some really nice things about me and made me see that she does appreciate all that I do for her. She did a little tribute to me as it was Mothers Day.

I know that Craige cares too, I've had 3 hugs today!!

To me Mothers Day is about showing your mother how much you care and you don't need to buy gifts or cards or flowers for that.

I think a lot of mum's feel under-appreciated anyway, it can be a pretty thankless job. So when a day comes along that is meant to celebrate mums, it's easy to get upset when you are not showered with nice things, or have things done for you. It's even harder to bear when you hear of other mums getting gifts, going out for a meal, having everything done for them while they put their feet up etc. But in reality it's just one day a year, tomorrow it won't matter.

So, tomorrow is another day. Another day I have to go on without my mum and another day I have to continue my thankless day as a hard working mother. But another day I have to enjoy the delights that my children bring into my life continuously.

So roll on tomorrow, it'll probably feel like a long time coming as my precious ones keep me awake all night :)

More Bad News

Heard from Dave (ex) that our nephew, Ian, has testicular cancer. He's already started a course of chemotherapy and has been told he will likely lose a testicle. He's only one of the family still living in this country, although he does have his daughter (who has just had a premature baby that is very sick). I haven't seen him since his mum's wedding a couple of years ago so I think I'll give him a call tomorrow.

I took Graham's dad to the drs yesterday. He's been getting lots of pain in his stomach. He's been alcoholic for many years and he's been hospitalised twice in the last year, he knows time is running out for him but he can't beat his addiction. Maybe this is his last chance. He told me in the car he was scared of dying. I think I'm scared of addiction and what it does to you.

And one more little bit of sunshine, Dave has to go back into hospital for another operation. That will be the third since he left here to go home at the end of Jan (he came for our son's 21st birthday). He had a burst ulcer which made a hole in his intestine. Cassie wants to go and stay with him for a while, unfortunately, I know what he's like when he's not well and I'm not sure it's such a good idea.

I've got Debbie and girls coming tomorrow so that should be fun :) Hey, something positive to say. I promise to be happy for the next couple of days. But don't expect me to be happy the weekend. I'm praying for it to be Monday already.

Sunny Sunday

So sunny today that I dried a load of washing out on the line. At first I felt chuffed that I'd got through five loads of washing, but the excitement wore off as the ironing pile reached the level of Kilimanjaro.
The girls are still not well, sometimes they seem ok and other times they both look so poorly. Neither of them are sleeping well and I've reached that zombie remote control state again. This morning, sorry, this afternoon when Graham got up I said that I wanted a lie in next Sunday, you should have seen his face! He even demanded why? Why? Well, maybe because I don't remember the last time I had a lie in, I think I have had one in the last 3 years but I can't remember when it was. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in god knows how long, I'm like a zombie and don't know half the time what I'm doing, I'm also getting incredibly upset or angry or even both at the slightest thing. Did I tell him that? No, I said, it's mother's day and that's all I'm asking for.
The last couple of days I've been feeling sad over Sim. I know I didn't have much to do with him the last few years but I can't stop thinking of what he did, how he must have felt to do such a thing. I mean you really have to want to die to hang yourself don't you? It's not a cry for help. I saw a guy while we were out yesterday, I was waiting in the queue at Greggs. He was about the same age as Sim and looked a little bit like him, wore the same kind of clothing. It was all I could do not to cry, it was a long queue and I would have felt pretty stupid standing there blubbing. Then I was thinking of mum in the hospital pointing out that me and Sim were both wearing white shoes. I gave his shoes away, they were expensive Nike trainers and he'd only just bought them. I gave them away. I don't know why that upsets me now, I'm sure the new owner is very pleased with them.

Just to make sure that life doesn't run smoothly the next episode is going to be the health of Graham's dad. He's an alcoholic and despite being hospitalised three times in the last year and knowing that if he doesn't stop drinking he will die, he's still drinking and it looks like he's not going to stop. In fact if I'm truly honest, it looks like it's too late already. It's hurting Graham so much and it's going to hit him so hard if his dad dies. So once again it's dark times ahead.

Thought I'd make a post

...because I haven't all week.
The girls have been poorly, just colds but it means less sleep for me (if that is possible) and lucy hasn't been to nursery. Although I took her in today. I also took Leila to playgroup which she loves. So hopefully, with the lack of sleep last night, the fresh air and busy days today, they will sleep like babies tonight. Fingers crossed, touch wood etc etc.



Some days I feel my depression is lifting, but I still have times when I'm just overcome with sadness. The other day I thought of mum and it didn't hurt so bad, maybe I am starting to heal. I'm trying to keep busy with writing articles for a website.

Visiting Time

Went to the cemetary today. When we arrived Lucy got all excited, she thinks the gravestones are like books to read. She likes to stop and pretend to read them. I would love to be 3 and have no idea of what death is.
Mum's stone was missing, it's been taken away to be engraved with her and Sim's names. I don't know how I will feel when it comes back, I guess it will make it all seem so much more real, not like the bad dream it feels like now.
Also, it seems that the grave is growing teddy bears. We put on a teddy that Sim had bought mum, she had it in the hospital and the hospice with her. I thought it would go missing as things do on graves, but no, today there were 3 more bears. Very strange.
It dawned on me today that I've been visiting the same grave for 34 years!!! I can still remember the pain of losing dad but it's been so long and I was so young the memories are faint. Then there is nan in there too (talk about a family plot!) she passed away 22nd February 1996.
I just hope that if we do go somewhere after life then they are all happy together.

I have a lovely friend who is currently going through something very similar with her step-dad. My heart goes out to her, it's such a difficult time.

I also have a friend undergoing treatment for cancer. She's at the hospital tomorrow for test results, I hope the news is not bad.

I think I will have to do something for Cancer Research. I do already contribute monthly but I'm thinking maybe raising money with sponsorship. It's a dreadful disease and it's everywhere you turn.

Finally, I will give my thoughts out to Jade Goody and her family.

Nice Day (makes a change)

I've had a pleasant day today. First Lucy went to school in her Minnie Mouse outfit, she was so happy to get the chance to wear it to school at last. Then this afternoon I went to a new playgroup which was set up by the same people who ran a playgroup when Lucy was little. I loved it there and made some good friends so I was really sad when they lost their premises. I tried to keep in touch but it's been two years now and I hadn't seen anyone for quite a while. Now they have new premises and I took Leila along, it was great to catch up again and I think Leila had a nice time too :) Will look forward to going again next Friday. Also today, Graham bought Lucy a lovely pink guitar off Ebay. We did a couple of video's on my phone. Awww, she has raw talent.

Inquest

Got the date for Sim's inquest today, 9th April. Sooner than expected. I don't think I'll be going. I don't think I even want to know, it's not going to make it any easier knowing everything. I already know he barely ate that last week, and he drank a fair bit and he also took two overdoses which didn't work.
The guy who rang with the date rang back 1/2 hour later saying that he wasn't supposed to ask but needed to know what school Sim went to. When he was told he said he used to hang around with him in school and was really upset.
My cousin is bringing me an Aston Villa program on Saturday, he had a memorial for Sim printed in it. I'll put it in my box of Sim and mum's stuff. One day maybe I'll be able to look in there without breaking down. It will be my box of memories.

Sleep

Sometimes I feel obsessed with the subject of sleep, but really it's only when I'm not getting any. The kids decided to play tag waking again last night and I dont' think I managed a full hour all night. I think I'm approaching the stage now where the tiredness is just affecting what I do not just how I feel.
Lucy has gone off to nursery despite her bad night. Leila has had just 1/2 hour nap since getting up.
I joined Twitter recently. Most the time it's just like talking to myself but I'm pretty used to that, I've had tons of practice.

Monsters

When did it happen? When did my precious little girls turn into monsters? It seems like overnight. My once angelic Lucy now has forgotten how to listen, my voice has suddenly become inaudible to her because she doesn't take the slightest notice of anything I say. She also encourages her little sister to be naughty, gets spiteful to her little sister and whinges, and whinges, and whinges, and whinges.
Leila, my little sweetie, is the pen monster. I have murals everywhere, pen, crayon, pencil, paint, cupboards, walls, doors, furniture. I'm sick of it. And I only have to take my eyes off her for 10 seconds (ok maybe it takes 30 to go for a pee) and she finds a drawing implement and off she goes. She is also a daredevil and climbs on just about anything. She has no fear! She fell off the windowsill the other day, cried for two minutes and then climbed straight back up again.
Thank god I've decided not to have any more kids.