Can you believe it, the last two nights the girls have slept really well, Leila in her cot even, but I haven't. Last night I went to bed quite happily, I was tired but it hadn't been a bad day. I lay in bed and then I was overcome with sadness and just cried for about an hour. I go over everything in my head, over and over. I know I did all that I could, I have no regrets. (Apart from my five years apart from my mum, but even that I know there was nothing more I could do about it at the time.) I spent mum's last year getting closer and closer to her and we had some really nice times. I spoke to her daily and had plenty of chances to let her know how much I loved her. So it's not that that makes me sad.
I know that mum had suffered a lot over the last few years, she always tried to hide what pain she was in, but sometimes it was so blatently obvious. And towards the end it must have been tremendous but she barely complained. So in my heart I know that passing away was the best thing for her. The pain couldn't be stopped any other way. So it's not that that makes me sad.
It's purely selfish reasons that makes me sad. I want my mum to be there for me, I want to be able to talk to her to ask her stuff. I want to go and see her and chat. I just want my mum and I can't have her and that's what makes me so very sad.
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