It's Over Now

I carried my brothers ashes today. It made me think, the last time I carried him he was 4 years old (I was 12) and we were on holiday on the Isle of Wight. I remember loads about him on that holiday because I ended up being the 'baby sitter' while mum had a good time with her new man. I didn't mind too much, we had lots of things to do, I just had to do everything with Sim. We went to the Blackgang Chine and he ran away from me which scared me half to death. Then he got really tired and I ended up having to carry him back to the coach. I found it really tough carrying a 4 year old, and I found it really tough carrying him today but someone had to do it and I was glad it brought back happy memories of my little bro.
So now he is truly at rest, with mum and dad and nan.
I got worked up yesterday because I though my sister-in-law, who I love dearly would be angry with me for going to Sim's funeral. Then she turned up today unexpectedly with my brother and she was so nice. I know she still has issues and I can't blame her for that, but it's really over now. There is no point in being angry with him anymore. It's time to put all that to rest. The past few weeks I've had so much going through my head, I've experienced the most extreme emotions, but now I think it's time to heal. No-one can change the past, what is done is done. Yes, maybe it could have been done differently, but it wasn't. A lot of people were hurt, but sometimes when you are hurting badly it's hard to realise that the 'other side' is hurting too.
I wish there could have been more resolution for my eldest brother Stephen. I know he went to see mum, when she was really ill last March and again just before she died, but he never really made his peace with her, not in the way she wanted anyway. She loved her eldest son so much right to the end, and if you take away the hurt feelings and nasty words, all she really did wrong was support her youngest son, her baby. It's sad that the hurtful words end up being the ones that guide decisions.
Even now, you'd think after all we've been through as a family there would be peace. But no, my older brothers are never going to make up. Stephen can't forgive Kevin for not talking to him for so long, and taking the 'other side' when he didn't know all the facts. And Kevin can not forgive Stephen for not accepting his olive brance albeit a little late (9 years) and he also blames him partly for Sim's death.
And guess who's slap bang in the middle?