Do I Say I Do?

I was watching The Wright Stuff the other morning and they were asking if you would/did marry to please your father. Well, I did even though my dad had been dead for 12 years by the time I wed. I even got married in the church where he was buried so he could be there. He was very old fashioned and I just know that had he been alive he would have wanted me to marry before living with my partner and having children. So I got married at 20 and it lasted 19 years but only because it took me 9 years to get a divorce.

Now I'm being asked to get married again. I didn't really want to marry again but he thinks it's because I don't love him enough. So I've agreed to a quiet registry office wedding. It won't happen though unless I arrange it. The old fashioned me wants to be married to my little one's dad and have the same name, it seems the right thing to do and I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. A part of me knows I could do a lot worse, but I could also do a lot better, but I wouldn't bother trying for the better so why not settle for what I have. I can't trust him but then that makes no difference wether we are married or not, I don't think he will change just because he is my husband. So here I am trying to decide wether to actually go for it or not. Which seems sad, because it shouldn't be like this. I know I will make the right decision in the end.

Having trouble........

.....finding things to be cheerful and upbeat about!

Let's face it, if I did keep this blog just for writing about the good things that happen, well, I don't think I'd make a post a month!
Sorry, today has been stressful. I've been ok, but everyone around me has had a meltdown at some point today and I've been stuck right in the middle. *sigh*


Why do people lie? I feel like I've spent all my life around people who can lie without even flinching. I used to lie too, I thought it was normal, but since I've thought about it more I try to be as truthful as possible at all times. Of course there are times when it is necessary to lie, and sometimes when you think lying is the right thing to do (even though it might not be) and it's often said that lies come back to haunt you. But why lie when it's completely unnecessary? Why lie just for the sake of it? Why lie, when you know the truth is bound to come out sooner rather than later?

Someone lied to me last week knowing that I would see the person that they lied about this week and find out the truth. Why? I just don't get it. I guess they are just a compulsive liar and can't help themselves.

 “I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

How do I deal with someone like this? How can I ever believe a word they say?

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

Fat Busting!

Ok, I know I've been here before with the whole I need to lose weight gripe. Well, I've never been totally unhappy with my figure, I like being a little curvy and don't miss my skinny days (old nickname 'beanpole') But it's time to face facts, I'm getting fatter! I lost all my baby weight and was doing well, but then I got complacent, and then I got greedy and now I'm putting it all back on. No more, I say. Today I've started to work on shifting it. I will reach my goal weight and stay there. So put those biscuits away, keep the chocolate for the kids, and baking is for Sunday's only (and then I'll only try a little) I'm going to be slim for the summer!

Goodbye 2011

I sat here last night composing a review of 2011, I was using my blog for memory jogging. I decided to scrap the post, not because the year was particularly boring and I didn't have anything to say, but because it showed me to be a miserable cow. So few posts where upbeat and happy, most were depressing. I suppose I should be glad my blog is not well read. Anyway, I'll admit it, I feel much the same now as  I did last year, nothing ever seems to go right for me, I have far too much to deal with and far too little support or help. My mind is a constant muddle of all the things I need to get sorted. I'm kept awake each night by children and worries on my mind. But maybe it's time for things to change, maybe this will be my year. I'm going to do something radical and put a happy spin on everything that gets me down. How long it will last I don't know. There are some things I can't change but there are some things I can, many I've tried to change and failed, but I won't give up. I just need a different mindset and a little luck, oh, and a Saviour!

Welcome 2012

I think I've coped fairly well this Christmas. The sadness has been there but I've also learnt to accept that there is nothing I can do to change that and the pain seems easier to bear. Today would have been mum's birthday, the year she died she hadn't even been buried and that was really hard. I remember I had one of my horrible migraines that day too and I was unable to drive to visit my brother who was very depressed. I kept in touch with him all day by mobile and told him I'd be up to see him the next day. His last text to me was ' I miss mum' I texted back to say that I did too and I'll see him tomorrow, but I never did. He chose to take his life before I arrived.

I have found Eastenders really difficult this New Year too, I knew that Pat was going to die but I hadn't read any spoilers and thought she would be going out with an heart attack. Then she got the diagnosis of terminal cancer. The scene in the hospital where the consultant told her diagnosis and prognosis was almost identical to what happened to mum. The first reaction everyone has to cancer is to fight it, there is so much that can be done these days and you hear of people beating cancer all the time. That's why it's so shocking to hear the words 'terminal' Yes, in some cases treatment can prolong life, but sometimes there is just nothing to be done, and when the cancer is that far advanced there is no fight and death comes quickly. The scenes that upset me the most where the ones where Pat decided to come home from hospital. To go home to die. Taking someone home from hospital to die is the most surreal experience and one I will never ever forget.

I haven't read anything but I'm thinking a lot of people will criticise Eastenders and the way they handled the storyline, but in drawing on my experience I think they did it very well. I do wish the program wasn't so darn depressing all the time though.

Christmas 2011

Christmas eve we had an early start and all went to the cemetery with our wreath and candles. It was cold but bright and no rain so perfect for a walk through the park to the old church and cemetery.

 

We met my aunt and cousin there and after laying our wreath, lighting and lighting our candles we went inside the curch to have a warm up and a drink. The girls helped put some baubles on the church Christmas tree. It really is a lovely old church. I got married there in 1986 on it's 200th anniversary.

Then it was back home on the bus, stopping by the local post office for our Christmas booze!

Back home the girls just couldn't wait to go to bed and were tucked up fast asleep by 7.30pm. Then Graham went to his mum's and I decided to retire myself at around 10pm.

Christmas morning began with Lucy waking at 5am. she couldn't get back to sleep but what 6 year old could! So I got up with her and allowed her to open 1 present while I made a cuppa and some breakfast. Then Joseph woke at 6am and I woke Leila and Graham up. Then followed a present opening frenzy.

Craige got up to join in and Cassie came down shortly after the main frenzy. Then Graham went back to bed.

Then Craige went back to bed. Then Cassie went back to bed and it was just me and the little ones as usual.

Graham got up again and went around his mum's again for a couple of hours. I put the turkey in and got the veggies ready. I jotted down a schedule so that everything would be cooked on time. My aim was 3.30pm. At 2.30pm, I decided do check the oven and that's when I discovered that it had kindly switched itself off, probably five minutes after my putting the turkey in. So after a little flap, I re-scheduled dinner for 6pm and cooked a big greasy late lunch! We ended up having dinner at 5.30pm and it was lovely, so worth the wait.

 After dinner, Graham went around his mum's for an hour, but this time he took the kids with him so I had chance to clean up a bit and watch the first 1/2hour of Dr Who in peace. When they got back it was time for the kids to go to bed. 

Then we settled down to watch Eastenders and afterwards, surprise, surprise, Graham went around his mum's. I had a glass of wine and went to bed.

All in all, not a bad day. It could have been better, Graham could have spent more time with us, the cooker could have co-operated a bit more and not turned itself off and I could have done without an uplanned visit from auntie flo, but as Cassie kindly pointed out to me, I've had much much worse Christmas'

3 years ago!

3 years ago today I'd been to visit my mum twice in the hospice, the place she didn't want to be. Me and Sim had taken her out of hospital (Against everyones wishes except mum's who's wishes were the only ones that mattered) and taken her home to die, she wanted to die at home. Then within just a day of being home she went downhill so quickly my other brother had her put in a hospice. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing. He was angry at me for taking her out of the hospital. Although shocking, I knew what was happening, mum knew she was going home to die that's why she wanted to go home when she did, she knew she didn't have long left, but my brother believed that taking her out of hospital was what made her go downhill so quickly, he believed that she had much longer left, he was scared that we couldn't look after her at home it would be too difficult. So that's it in a nutshell...and we still haven't really forgiven each other. My worst regret is her not having her last wish of dying at home. No matter how difficult it would have been I know we could have done whatever was needed. It was only for a week in the end.
I still send my brother a xmas card, although I don't get one in return.

I've bought a beautiful angel candle holder for the grave for mum, I've also bought some candles for the rest of my family and will spend some time with them all on Christmas Eve. I will light a candle at home in her memory on Christmas day at 4pm, the time she passed away.
I'm finding this year so hard, last year I had baby Joe to keep me focused, the year before I was pregnant, but this year has been a sad and lonely one, I've wanted to speak to mum so many times. I've missed her so much.
I've found some comfort in my faith. If I'm honest, I only went back to church because I wanted Leila and Joseph Christened, but I've barely missed a week for the last six months. I've found a new, friendly community to be part of, and plenty that has assured and comforted me in times of need.

So now as I approach Christmas, a time of joy and of dread, I have my back-ups in place and my wonderful family to keep me grounded. So even when I feel the only place I want to be is the same place as my mum, there is always something or someone that can hold me back.