I've never had plenty of money, a really nice home, a nice car, holidays abroad, a wardrobe full of nice clothes...you know all the material things most people crave. I've got this far without them it just doesn't bother me anymore. I make do with what I have and am happy (well, mostly)
I have my kids, they are my life and I love them to bits and wouldn't be without them. I always feel blessed to have them and know that things would be 100 times worse without them.
But there is one thing I miss that I've always wanted.... a soul mate. Someone who truly understands and loves me. My love life has been a disaster zone.
My first husband was on the scene when I was just 16. I adored him but he was domineering and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do when younger. He convinced me that all we had to do was have fun. He wasn't that keen on having kids either but thank goodness he didn't deny me. He did say that having kids changed me and made me boring. He also had trouble accepting that I wanted to be educated and even though I left it late he wasn't happy about me doing my degree. He had an affair just after our daughter was born. I took him back and forgave him but things were never the same. He eventually walked out on us.
During my single parent years I focused more on the kids than relationships. I met one guy I really liked but on the first date he said he wasn't really looking for a mum as he'd never wanted kids. Good start eh! We had a few weeks of dating and then I dumped him...he was shocked! I guess he just didn't get it that I wasn't going to abandon being a mother for him. Then I met another guy at work. He was 10 years older than me, bald and fat, but he was very attentive and helped me through a difficult time with my eldest son. We spent a year together but one night, out of the blue, we just both decided that we didn't really have anything going for us and called it a day. I wasn't even upset.
Then I met my current partner when he rescued my kittens from a neighbours tree. Things were really good for the first year or so and we decided to have a baby together. I found it difficult getting pregnant but eventually did. It wasn't a strain, our relationship felt strong and he was always doting. Looking back a couple of strange things happened but I didn't think much into them then as we seemed so happy. After the baby was born I thought we were closer than ever, but then he started staying up late on his laptop every night. (he was working part-time) I got suspicious and found he'd been having an online affair. I threw him out but he convinced me it was all fantasy and never meant anything and that he'd never met her or would meet her. I forgave him and took him back, I was already pregnant with our second baby. Then after the next baby, which was unplanned I thought we'd got back to normal and were happy. We had a boy after two girls and he was chuffed to bits. We had to the two smallest christened together and the day after the christening I found out that he'd come on to my friend. He'd offered to go around her house after I had gone to bed. I threw him out again.
After a few weeks of constant pleading he wormed his way back in. I don't know if I did the right thing for me, but I did for the kids.
I've felt lonely ever since. I have forgiven him and I have never thrown it in his face. But I can't forget. I can't forget how easily he was willing to risk everything. I look back to the past and wonder if he's ever been truly faithful to me. There have been other instances of text messages and online messages. Nothing bad enough for me to get really upset but I've asked him to stop talking to a couple of people. So now we are still together, and he still tells me every day that he loves me, but I can't truly believe him. Would you give someone you truly loved a box of biscuits for Christmas? Would you forget your loved ones birthday? I know men are supposed to forget these things, but along with everyone else it just smarts.
So here I am making do, not only with the material things in life, but with love as well. All I want is someone who loves me. All I want is my soul mate. As I get older I realise that it's just not going to be something that I have.
I know how my older kids suffered when I split from their dad. I tried my best to make things ok for them and I've never fought with their dad, but they still hurt that he could abandon us, and they still blamed me for not making him stay. I can't do that with my young ones, they love their daddy and daddy loves them. I know if I try to make him leave it will be messy and I can't put them through that. So I carry on each day, making do.
2 comments:
That is so sad. I can not imagine having to just putting up with something in life.
I can't tell that you are right or wrong. I can tell you that you will not be able to give yourself honestly to your children. Children have a sense that they will be able to see through. They might not understand what it is that is going on, but they can feel that the love you have for your spouse is not true.
It is hard and hurtful to end a marriage. Your children will learn to except the way things have changed. If you and him hold your children high and not allow them to be caught up in the event. No he or she did.
You have the right and obligation to be true to your self and happy.
Our children learn happiness thru us.
As the old folks say "you only live once"
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