Wanted- A New Home

I've been looking for a new home for my large family for ages now. When I decided to have more children, my older children were already young teenagers and I honestly thought that they would be moving on, going to university, getting married, basically just moving out. They didn't. They are still home, now in their 20's but I fully understand why they are still here, hindsight is a wonderful impossible thing.
So the situation is, four adults and three children in a three bedroomed house. Our kitchen is tiny, so is our bathroom. We are falling over each other, it's impossible to find any peace. And I'm sharing a bedroom with my partner and three small children. No wonder I complain about not getting any sleep, wouldn't you?
I've lived here 22 years now and I have to say I love living here. The street is lovely, the local shops are great, the school is close and great, there is a really good local bus service and the train station is a 20 minute walk. You can even walk to the huge new super hospital in 15 mins (And the maternity hospital)
If I could knock down a couple of walls and build a couple of extra bedrooms in the attic, I'd happily stay here forever.

The other day I was invited to put a bid in for the chance of a newly refurbished 6 bedroomed house. The chosen family will be filmed for channel 4 explaining their current housing condition, viewing the new house before the re-furbishment and then moving into the new house. I would say my chances of being chosen were very small, but what a fantastic opportunity.
Paulo Coelho said "If you want something all the universe conspires in helping you acheive it"
I want a bigger house, I was given this chance.....will the universe conspire in helping me get it?

I'll let you know!

Back Together

I've decided to take Graham back and give our relationship another go.
Not a decision I made lightly but one that I'm sure is right. This has been the longest we've been apart since we met 11 years ago and I think we needed a break. Our relationship had hit rock bottom, he truly believed I didn't love him anymore, and I don't know if I did.We can all make excuses for our mistakes but sometimes we have to look at the real reasons behind what we do. I must still love him because I wouldn't have taken him back again.
I haven't given him any conditions on his return, and I've told him he doesn't need to earn my trust because I'm just going to trust him anyway, all he has to do is prove me right. We've talked loads and made lots of changes in our lifestyle. If we really want it to work it will. If it doesn't then it's obvious that we just didn't want it enough.

The Grave

I've not spoken about the grave for a while now, but I still visit regularly. I go off to visit my family down the cemetary, at least they are all in the same place. It would be nice to think they are together.

Anyway, I took some flowers down for mum and as usual the grave was full of 'pretend' flowers. I don't really like them but have to admit they do look nice, and the grave looks well cared for. Originally I thought my aunt only wanted to put fake flowers on so she didn't have to visit so often, but it's obvious that she visits all the time, the flowers are regularly replaced and never look tired or worn. And they do stay looking nicer for longer than fresh flowers even though they don't smell so good. I like to take my real flowers for the pot on the headstone, I know they will be wilted within a few days but it's my way.

So, I figured I needed a good old chat with my mum. I do this often, although the chats are one-sided it always helps. But this time it didn't. It suddenly hit me that mum isn't here anymore. I can talk to her all I like but I will never know if she can hear or not, and I never get a reply. I needed advice but mum was gone and couldn't help me. I needed a hug but she just wasn't there. I can full well imagine exactly what she would say but it's not the same.

Suddenly I felt very very alone.

Things have changed a lot since that day, but I'll stop for now and write more soon.

Truly the End

I don't think I should be writing this now, but here it is straight from the heart while it's breaking in two. I can't even bare to look at his face anymore.
Today I was ready to break and give in, I've missed him so much, crazy because things have been crap for a while and I should have been enjoying the break but I'm too bloody soft for my own good. He pleaded and begged for forgiveness, then he told me how crap it was staying at his mums and I thought, ah he's only doing this because he misses being at home. but he insisted that he wouldn't give in, he would prove to me how much he loved me and how sorry he was. Of course he kept pointing out that he didn't really do anything....no, hitting on my friend is nothing, doesn't hurt a bit, not even though you've done it in the past and swore you'd never do anything like it again. So we argued and suddenly it was all my fault because I wouldn't marry him!!! I was going to marry him until the first time he did it, that's when I thought it's best we didnt' get married just in case he did it again (and again) (and as I've just found out, again!)
So he goes away to give me a little peace and I spot that he's left his Facebook logged in so I nosey...well you have to don't you when you know he's been 'trying' to play away.
First I spot the messages to the 'last girl' the one he promised me he'd delete from his phone and FB and never ever speak to again....well he did... a couple of weeks ago, he was telling her how crap it was at home, how bored and fed up of me he was. He didn't DO anything wrong though!
Then I spotted a scantily clad lady so clicked on her....'hi, it's me from the 'naughty site' do you want some fun?' and oh boy did he want some fun, filthy disgusting talk persued (just a bit of fun) then she wanted him to log into her webcam but somehow he had a few problems and didn't make it....so he didn't DO anything wrong!

I think I'm well rid!
I think I'm heartbroken.
I feel such a fool.
I can't stop throwing up.
I HATE HIM

coping?

I hate going to the school. It feels like everyone knows and is looking at me. That's probably not true because I haven't told anyone and I'm pretty sure my friend hasn't. Although Graham has it as knowledge on his FB and there are a few of his friends in the playground. So I stand well back and don't talk to anyone, then when the door opens I rush in grab the kids and go. I usually have Lucy complaining can we walk with Sofie, or Jae, but I just don't want to be talking to their parents :-(

Graham won't leave me alone, he's texting, phoning or coming around. Today he even bought me flowers. He keeps saying he's sorry and it didn't mean anything but this is a lot more than that. Maybe, just maybe if he hadn't played so close to home with someone I see every day then there might be a little forgiveness in me, but not right now. I will forgive him eventually because I totally believe in forgiveness, not forgiving makes you bitter and sad. But forgiving does not mean I have to take him back.

Last night I lay awake in bed for two hours dissecting a day out we had in the holidays where she came along. My imagination probably went into overdrive but they did spend a lot of time together, they had loads of fun and I was the one fussing and looking after the kids. The boring sensible one who wasn't up for smoking a little pot behind the loos. Then on the bus on the way home she sat at the back with two of the girls, Graham was sitting with the pushchair at the front and I was in between with Leila. I looked at him and he was staring towards the back of the bus and I remember how the look in his eyes and face really touched me. Who was he looking at with so much tenderness. He saw me and instantly said he was looking at Lucy. Of course he would say that. I can't argue, I can't prove otherwise, but it's there like a poisonous seed in my mind.

He keeps begging me to take him back but I can't even think of it right now. I'm convinced that just a couple of weeks apart and he won't be begging anymore, he'll be enjoying his freedom too much.

Break Up!

It started in the morning when Graham go up and asked me when I'd got my new top. I told him I'd wore it to the Christening on Sunday but he swore he'd never seen it before. He was adamant until I showed him a photo of me at the christening in said top. I don't know why but I couldn't stop thinking about why he hadn't noticed what I was wearing.

Later we were at the shops about to seperate to go into different stores when his mobile rang and it was Craige for me (I'd left my mobile in my other jacket at home.) I took his phone with me while Craige rambled on about the cat bringing a bird into the house. Oh, I said, that's a bad omen!
While waiting for Graham to catch up with me I just felt the urge to nosey around his mobile and came accross a series of messages from Sunday to my friend.
It started as friendly flirting, they'd been sent after the christening and after I'd gone to bed. Then the flirting got stronger 'You looked so sexy today babe' 'yeah I know, I always do, lol'
Then, 'can I come around yours?' 'nah man, you got a mrs and she's really nice' 'yeah I know, sorry'
10 minutes later..... 'if I was single would you?'
I felt sick and shaky. Why does he have to do this? The first time it was his mate playing a joke, yes, I really fell for that! The second was not so easy to get out of, page after page of sickening MSN messages on his laptop as he hadn't known they were all automatically saved. We split for a couple of days after that, but I took him back because he didn't actually meet up with her. Then there was a series of flirty texts to a friend he was supposedly fixing his brother up with. I didn't know her but apparently he had gone to school with her and they swapped mobile numbers over Facebook. Like a fool I gave him one last chance.
He blew it!
'We haven't done anything for two months' he told her. (It's been 3 weeks) That's because our baby keeps me awake most of the night and I'm surviving on 3-4 hours sleep, I told him to come to bed with me at 11pm if he wants some because I just can't summon up the need at 3am when he's finished on his PS3.


So he's moved into his mum's until he can find somewhere to live. He was always around there anyway.
And I have to carry on as normal. I have to go around the school and see my friend, 20 yrs younger than me, and think of how he wanted her more than he cared for our relationship. She came to me in tears, 'I'm sorry I flirted back, I was a bit drunk, I didn't mean anything' 'It's ok' I said 'at least you turned him down'
Always forgiving, always soft, I can hear my mum saying you need a spine.

So now I'm a single mum again. Last time I had a family, I had friends, I was working and I had my youth. I found it really hard but I survived. I have none of that now and right at this minute, no will to survive.

The Christening

We had Leila and Joseph christened together on September 9th 2011 at Weoley Castle Community Church.
We arrived at the church at 10.30am ready for service at 11am. Leila's godparents where my brother and sister-in-law, Joseph's were Graham's brother and our niece. The service was lovely and Leila and Joseph were well behaved, especially when baptised and they got soaked. When Lucy was christened the minister just wet her finger and drew a cross on her forhead. This time the water was actually poured onto Leila and Joseph, but they didn't even flinch.
After the service we went back to our home where I'd put on  a buffet for lunch. Id' been cooking since 6.30am!! I had also made a cake (photo to follow) I think I may be getting addicted to making cakes :-)
The last guests didn't leave until 7pm so it was a very long day!

The cake with a little Leila and Joseph

Joseph in his suit, minus shoes

Leila

Joesph and my brother