I Had Another Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday and now I'm beginning to feel old. Sometimes I feel way too old to have three small children, what was I thinking, they are such hard work. Then sometimes I think that having three small children keeps me feeling young. Either way, I wouldn't be without them now.

So, pressies, yes I had a few :-) Graham bought me a lovely cross pendant, Cassie bought me a bottle of chocolate wine, Craige bought tickets to see Kasabian next week, the mother-in-law bought me chocolates and smellies, and my brother and sister-in-law gave me money with which I'm going to buy Il Divo's new album out tomorrow.

On Friday, me, Graham and Joe went to the BBC Good Food show which was great. The exhibition was huge and we walked our feet off. I didn't buy much but did get some cake decorating items which I've been hankering for. We got to try lots of food, mostly curries and sweet stuff, and lots of booze. I had to stop with the free drinks as I was getting tipsy, Graham just loved it. We got some nice freebies too.

Today at church we were asked as a family to light the first candle of Advent and say a few words, and the little ones in Sunday school got to practice their nativity play. We are beginning to feel a real part of our church now, like an extended family.

Tomatoes and melons

by Paulo Coelho on November 5, 2011

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?
You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

While thinking that I wanted to write in my blog today, I really didn't know where to start. I've had a really weird day, difficult to explain, stressful, but only because I wasn't very good at handling the stress. Then I read the above on Paulo Coelho's blog and it made a lot of sense. I'm not saying that I'm tomato trying to be a melon but I do sometimes try to be supermum when I know I'm not. I'm always pretending to be strong, pretending that everything is going well. I think that's where I come unstuck, some days I'm just not up to my own expectations and today was one of those days. I did the crying, just a little and to myself. It was while Graham was putting the kids to bed because I'd just had enough and wasn't up to it.
I'm feeling a little better now. Maybe tomorrow I can be more proud of myself and what I do achieve instead of getting frustrated about not being what I would like to be.

Letter to My Son

This  I wrote on March 14th 2009.

Dear Son,
I can't believe how fast the years have flown, it's seems just yesterday when I met you for the first time. I was so excited to have you at last. Right from the beginning I knew you were special. You were bright and happy so long as I was around. You couldn't bear to be parted from me, even for one minute. At just nine months old you were walking, nothing would stop you as you reached each milestone quickly and easily. I thought you were so clever how you would arrange all your toys by colour and name all your trains and say what colour they were. Numbers were special to you and I would joke how you would become a mathematician when you grew up.

School was wonderful at first. I always had glowing reports of how clever you were. I would ignore the comments about your more unusual behaviours. When you were six your teacher, who adored you, gave me a number for a child pyschologist. I never called, there was no need, you were my bright little star. You had a couple of friends who you liked to spend most of your time with. You ignored everyone else.

Then as you got older I had to face the truth. It was like no-one understood you. You were likeable enough, but your unusual ways made your peers keep well away, apart from the ones who thought it was fun to tease you and make you angry. You would come home and state that you had anger issues and could I please get you some help. So I did, and we were given a full report and a diagnosis. You have Asperger's Syndrome. All this time the one thing I'd so wanted to avoid was to give you a label, and now that's exactly what had happened.

I soon realised that it was for the best though. Finally people understood and you wasn't just the weird kid anymore. You got help and I got help and both our lives improved. You did well at a new school and at college. I'd always been proud of you but now I was more proud than ever.

Now I see you growing up and I feel we have both grown up so very much. You are such an handsome lad, (well, I would say that I'm your mother) with your big brown eyes and dark hair. At over six feet tall you truly are the epitomy of tall, dark and handsome. Most of all you are caring and loving and I just know that you will find yourself a lovely girl one day and settle down. As for the anger problems, well they went away as soon as I took you away from the bullies, trust you to blame yourself.
We've had a bumpy ride but I'm sure the future will bright for us both.
My love always,
Mum xxx