I learnt that my mum had cancer and she was given just weeks to live. In one way it seems like a lifetime ago, in another it seems like yesterday. I was determined that we were going to have one last wonderful christmas together, mum always loved christmas and I wanted it to be really special. sadly that was not to be because the illness took over her much too quickly and even though she made it to christmas day she wasn't aware of it, and it was her last day here on earth. I didn't know how I would cope this year, but so far I think I'm holding up well. I will go to the cemetery this week (as usual) and make sure it looks really nice for the christmas visitors. I'm going to make my own wreath for next week. Mum always liked to make christmas decorations, she used to make lovely tree top angels out of cheap plastic dolls, crepe paper and tinsel. So I thought I'd make my wreath rather than buying one, especially for her.
The one emotion I have been feeling a lot of is anger. I feel angry at my brother for sending her to a hospice. I don't see anything wrong with hospices, they are a great resource for many families, and can give excellent care to their patients. But, mum wanted to be at home, and she only had days to live, we should have let her have her wish. It would have been really hard for us, but I was prepared to do it and so was my younger brother. I can see that my older brother was doing what he thought was right for her, and he was angry at me for allowing her to come out of hospital, but I think he was delusional if he thought she was going to live any longer. Even if she had lived longer I'd have been prepared to put myself out for her, and my family were behind me all the way. I just wished she could have been at home like she so wanted to be.
It's no good focusing on the why's and what if's though, and even though I feel angry at my brother I'm not placing any blame, he thought he was doing the right thing by her. It's time to move on now and focus on the happier times. The problem is you have to work through the past to get on with the future, especially if you don't want it to keep coming back and haunting you.
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