Darkness Descending.

I'm  struggling at the moment. After being on a high for so long it's horrible to think that the dark cloud is trying to reappear. I really don't want it and am fighting it all the way. Will I win? It's always got me before, but I've still got so much good going on and to look forward too. Surely that will help me keep it at bay?

I hate the voices in my head, the negativity, the despair. Why bother, why continue, what is the point of everything?. Wouldn't everyone be better off if I just went away and never came back? I am hounded on a daily basis and kept awake at night. In the meantime I try to carry on like nothing is wrong and I'm pretty good at that, except that it makes me highly strung, so don't cross me!

 I still wish I could go away somewhere peaceful, somewhere where I could be with my little ones without anyone interfering. I would be so less stressed out all the time. I can cope with demanding little people, it's demanding adults I can't cope with. Even if I had the opportunity my guilt at leaving the others behind would eat me up.

They say if someone is making your life miserable then get them out of your life. It's not that easy. I would feel so guilty, I doubt that removing them from my life would make me feel any better.

I guess I don't have a backbone?

Why no moany posts?

So I've not had a good grumble on here for ages. It doesn't mean that my life has improved beyond grumbling, it's just that lately I've been on a bit of a high, I'm not sure why and it does feel pretty alien but it is stopping me from complaining. It could be that I have a lot to look forward too. I have a party and a night out with friends in April, a blog summit and night out in May, a holiday to Center Parcs (somewhere I've always wanted to go) in June and also in June a trip to Legoland. Then hopefully it will be summertime and then I have all the kids birthdays to plan, Leila is having a party at home, Joseph is having his birthday in Southport and Lucy is having a Build-A-Bear party. So much to keep my mind occupied and  not stressing about the little things.

Other than that nothing has changed. Graham is still much more in love with his PS3 than me, Cassie is still swinging from one mood to another and keeping us on the eggshells and Craige has been really poorly, which means a revert to childhood and much mummy pampering required day and night. The arguments continue, the constant bickering and bad moods, but everything just floats past me now, I'm not losing sleep.

Over the past couple of months I've had extreme money worries but I've taken it all in hand and everything is now sorted and I'm much more comfortable financially that I have been for ages. Ok, we're not well off but we are now living within our means, particularly by not owning a car! Also I had some good news about Craige's benefits, I really thought that with these new assessments he would lose his money in April, but I've been informed that he's not on the list for the reforms until 2015, so that's two years before I need to worry about that again, who knows what can happen in that time. He does claim JSA but is always getting sanctioned and rarely gets paid. He can't do what they ask of him with regards to working in shops, going to group meetings etc. He does however need to be claiming so that he doesn't have to pay the full amount for his course fees.

so there you have it, I'm happy for now anyway and no amount of emotional abuse is going to get me down while I'm feeling like this.

I made it to the finals!!!

Thursday evening I saw a tweet from the MAD blog awards saying the finalists were live on the site. I ignored it. I wanted to go on dreaming a little longer and I was convinced they were going to be announced on Friday. Then I saw the congratulatory tweets to those on the list and I just couldn't resist. Hopefully some of my friends would be on there. I scrolled down reading through familiar and unfamiliar blogs and then I couldn't believe my eyes. There was my blog just sitting there in the School days category. I went back to Twitter, not sure what to do, I was shaking and crying. I really couldn't believe it and went back for another look. yep it was still there. I had to take a screen shot just in case it disappeared.  Then I received a couple of congratulatory tweets, so it had to be true if other people could see my blog there too! I poured myself a nice glass of wine to celebrate.

BTW, it's not this blog that has made the finals but my other one. I've not even posted about it on there yet!

Things that made me happy in February.

Since becoming a reviewer I've received lots of free stuff to review and it's so nice to get stuff in the post to keep all in return for a post on my other blog. I've had some really lovely things and this week I had lovely little bike delivered for Joseph. He really loves it already.
This weekend I'm going to be designing my own personal photo frame from i-photo. It looks lovely, I did consider making one for Graham's mum for Mother's Day, but as I know I won't be getting anything I've decided to keep it for myself, stingy I know ;-)

Also, the big blog awards started a few weeks ago, I'd really love to go but last year I think I  managed 1 nomination in one category and probably no votes. I was fairly new on the scene and had only stumbled on the awards anyway so I wasn't bothered. I followed the award ceremony last September through Twitter live and after wards on blogs and I thought how lovely it would be to be a part of it all. So when I discovered I'd been nominated I was thrilled. Then to find I'd been nominated 6 times gave me some hope so I shamelessly asked friends and family to nominate me too. Now I'm waiting for the results. I don't have much hope really the competition is incredibly fierce, but I'm still happy that I got nominations, especially the ones I received before I asked. If I got through to the finals I would be so happy.

Finally, we had a fantastic day out last week during half term. It was only to the Nature Centre but it all went really smoothly and there was no arguments all day. G did spend most of the day on his mobile but I let him off as it was his birthday and he was probably checking his messages. (I didn't take my phone, I've stopped taking it out with me now, I take my watch and a camera instead.)


So here are my blessing for February, I'm still counting :-)

PS3 Widow

We had that argument again, the one where he goes 'I never get to spend any time on the PS3' and I go, 'Well, you never DO anything else'
Let's see, he'll get up around lunch time and while I'm making him a coffee he'll switch on his PS3. An hour or so later he turns it off and goes around his mum's  for a smoke. Then he'll come back and the PS3 is back on again. If I'm going out shopping he may come with me, but more often now I'm leaving him at home with his precious toy.
He comes with me to pick the kids up from school and when we get back the PS3 goes back on for an hour. Then he goes around his mum's until tea time.
After tea he does tend to help out with the kids baths and bedtime routine. Then he'll watch Eastenders with me if it's on. Then he's back around his mums until I'm ready for bed (or even in bed) then he puts his PS3 on until 3 or 4 am.
So why does he think he never goes on?
To my reckoning he's on it 7-8 hours a day!
Isn't that enough?

I started decorating last November (when he had his job that lasted 7 weeks)
I painted all the doors and woodwork, painted the ceiling, stripped the wallpaper, put up the new wallpaper, then I got sick. Then it was Christmas. The wallpaper still needed painting. As he was no longer working I thought he would help. I don't know why. It's taken me a long time as it's not something I can do with the kids around, but I've now finished the painting. He did half of one wall.

If he hadn't been playing his PS3 all night he could have painted and had it done while me and the kids slept. I did suggest it on several occasions. But I guess the PS3 is more important.

I said to him during 'that' argument, 'why don't you get yourself a little flat and then you can live on your PS3 day and night without any bother'
he said it sounded like a good idea.
I felt hopeful for a couple of minutes.

Award

This is for my blessings page, good things that happen throughout the year that I can look back on and know that it's not all been bad.

This week I won an award for my Cake Blog. Nothing too impressive, just a little recognition. I joined in with a linky and out of over 300 blogs, just 20 were chosen for the award and mine was one.
Well, it made me smile for a while :-)

Counting My Blessings

Things to be happy about so far this year.

1. I heard that a very good friend is getting married next year, that's really exciting, but also, she wants me to make her cake!!

2. I had two lovely nights out with friends...in 1 week!