A little Shock

My daughter today told me today that she had been making plans for leaving home. She starts a new job on Monday on a six month contract from which she is going to save as much as possible of her wages. That won't be difficult it's not like she spends much anyway. A friend of hers has just moved to Brighton and is currently flat sharing. He is going to look for a new flat in the next six months so that my daughter can go and share with him. She will be looking for jobs in Brighton before her contract ends. A real plan.
I don't know if she will go through with it but it's really knocked me for six. She really does drive me up the wall sometimes and we've had plenty of heated moments where I've told her to go. Now that seems like something that might happen I find I don't want to lose her. Of course she needs to get on with her life and she seems like she's working things out properly, but Brighton seems such a long way away, I was kind of hoping she'd live nearby so she could come and bother me regularly. I at least expected to continue doing her washing.

Repressed Memory

It was November 8th 1973. My daddy had gone off to do the night shift at British Layland and my aunt and nan had come to visit us. We had run out of sugar for the tea so mum sent me and my cousin Angela  to the outdoor (an offlicence that sold groceries too) just up the road. It was already dark but we didn't mind, we were like best friends as well as cousins.

When we got back there was  a police car outside my house and our neighbour Joan was outside ready to intercept us. We were taken into her house and sat in the living room. It was the first time I'd been in her living room although I'd spent lots of time in her garden playing with her son Timmy and I'd been in the kitchen for drinks and snacks, but never in the living room before. I held tightly on to the packet of sugar willing myself not to put my finger through it and make a mess. I was so nervous. I handn't a clue what was happening and nothing was said. Then we were told we could go home, I don't know how long we'd been there but Joan and her husband David had watched an episode of Crossroads and made a cup of tea. Angela and I didn't speak to each other, it was quite surreal.

Then, nothing! I've tried but I just can't remember what happened next. I don't remember leaving that living room or going home. I don't remember Angela going home, seeing my mum, going to bed, nothing, it's all a complete blank.

How can I remember so much detail after so long, and remember it as if I was still there? I can even remember how I felt all knotted up inside knowing something was wrong but not knowing what it was. Yet, I don't remember anything else at all after I left Joan's house to go home.

I guess that's what you call a repressed memory?

I won't keep you in the dark. What had happened was my lovely daddy had died on the way to work.

Can't let it out

I've been trying for ages to write a post. I write it all down and then scrap it. I guess I'm not ready to share just yet.
Things haven't changed at home, I doubt they ever will.
I think I'm not a very good mum, I really haven't done a good job with my eldest and now I worry for my little ones. Will I learn from experience?
I'm little fed up at the moment

Holding it off!

Sometimes I can feel it trying to tap in, it wants me so badly, it wants to take me down to that dark place where my thoughts and feelings get taken over by stuff I don't want in my head. But I'm fighting it, it's business as usual on the outside. Cassie said today I'd been horrible lately, but that's just her, I've not said or done anything she's just feeling guilty for not doing something I've asked her too. Well, that's done now so she'll probably see me as normal again now.
The big kids, who are no longer kids but you can't believe it the way they act, are driving me nuts lately. Surely it's time they grew up now. I love them to bits but sometimes I really don't like them much.
Graham has been driving me nuts too. He continues to behave in the ways that he knows annoy or upset me, it doesn't matter what I say or do it makes not difference.
Graham and the big kids are constantly bickering with each other over anything and everything, and I'm stuck in the middle. I used to try and keep the peace, I don't have the energy anymore.
What's the point?
No-one ever listens to me anyway.
I just cook and clean and wash the clothes. And take care of the little ones. And pay all the bills. And do all the shopping. And run an on demand taxi service.

But - I don't do anything right. I lose socks, I don't keep up with the ironing (Family of 7) my cooking is crap, I'm useless with money and my taxi is always late.

And I don't keep the house clean enough even though I'm the only one (Apart from Leila) who knows how to put things IN the bin (as opposed to on top of the bin, next to the bin, behind the bin, on the floor by the bin, or even just on the floor)

I used to do things a lot better, but somehow lately I've got slower and worse. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having three under 6 to look after?

So that's me right now, feeling low and worthless. I could go on about my money worries, about how my house is too small and really getting me down, but the truth is I'm tired of complaining. I know some people have it worse. I've been through worse and out the other side. So I'll shut up now.

Taking it's toll

Why does grief have to be so consuming? Time doesn't heal grief, that's a myth. I think the only plus point is that you feel it less frequently as time goes on, but it still hurts just as much when you do feel it.
This Christmas has been harder on me emotionally than last, as I suspected it must have been the pregnancy hormones last year that got me through. If it wasn't for the little ones I don't know if I'd bother with Christmas at all.
I went to the grave yesterday, it would have been mum's 80th birthday, and today is the second anniversary of Simeon's tragic death. I went alone with the only gift I can give, flowers, even though I knew there would be no space to place them. There were even more wreaths on there than on Christmas Eve, I think every family member and friend went there this year. While I stood there and thought of my mum and dad, my nan and my brother all there together I wanted to be there too. Wherever there is, if there even is a there, it has to be better than here right now. I miss my family so much, but I can't leave my little ones without their mummy can I. Can I?

Christmas Day

Well, it's that time of year again, I don't know if Christmas day will ever be the same again, I just can't get through without thinking of mum and how she left me. I can't believe it was two years ago, it feels like yesterday, it hurts like yesterday, the pain never lessens.

I went to the cemetery yesterday, the first time I'd managed all week because of the snow. I went on my own and had a good chat with mum. The grave was covered with so many wreaths that they were mostly standing upright as there was no room for them to lie flat. A sign of a grave full of people sorely missed and greatly loved. It made my heart warm to see wreaths for my brother too. It also made me sad because he believed that no-one would ever be there for him and it is proof that he was wrong.

Anyway, sadness aside it's been a good day today. We got up around 6.30am when the little ones all seemed to stir at the same time. The girls were so excited when they saw all the presents Santa had left them. We soon got into an uwrapping frenzy, even little Joseph was buried in gifts.

Dinner was good, although I felt like I was in the kitchen most of the day. Everyone ate all they were given except Lucy. She probably would have been happier with chicken dippers! She did eat her vegetables though. We even managed pudding, traditional for me and Graham, chocolate for the others.

The girls have been good 99% of the day, not bad going really. Joseph is still not well so he's been a bit moody at times, and tonight he was very sick again. I hope he will get better soon.

My friend didn't make it out of hospital which is sad. I hope she starts recovering soon, she must miss her little ones so much.

So that's another Christmas day over, is it really worth all the effort put into it? Well, the girls faces when they got up this morning was enough to make me say yes. There is nothing like little ones who still believe in Santa at Christmas time, magical

Christmas Time

Last week was the girls last week of the year at school. Leila had done most of her christmas things the week before, like her Christmas party and they had a panto. It was a good job because she got sick on the Sunday night and didn't go to school Monday or Tuesday. I took her back on Wednesday and went to school with her in the afternoon to do some bauble decorating, but she didn't look well and got sick again when we were home so no school for the rest of the week.
Lucy went to school and enjoyed her Christmas party and she did one show of the nativity play, but then she got sick too and had to stay home the last two days. I didn't get to see her nativity because of Leila being sick. I was gutted. I had planned to go to the second show but Lucy didn't make it.
Joseph was also poorly so I had a nightmare of a week, stuck indoors with poorly miserable children and they are still not well now. Just as I think they are improving they start getting worse again. Mostly Leila and Joseph, Lucy seems to be holding it off better. Fingers crossed they are well by the end of the week or we'll be in for a moody Christmas.

This week I had lots of plans, we were going to the Frankfurt market in town, visiting Santa's grotto, visiting family and going to the cemetary. The shopping was sorted online and delivery slot booked, and all presents bought and ready for wrapping. I thought it was going to be a breeze. But then came the snow, and it snowed and snowed. Then it stopped snowing but it's been freezing so it's just not going away. We haven't been out anywhere that I'd planned, and the shopping delivery was cancelled. I had to brave the icy roads to go and get some food. Not the week I'd imagined/planned for at all.

But then something happens that puts things into perspective and makes me feel guilty for complaining. My dear friend is in hospital with pneumonia. She has two young children left at home in the care of her grown up son. She has a grown up daughter but she's really poorly too. I hope and pray that she will be well enough to be home again with her children for Christmas.