A Message to Blog Spammers

Today I had notification that a comment had been left on one of my blog posts. It was spam, everyone gets them, but why do it? How many people actually allow spam to be posted as comments? How many people will read them? It won't do you any good in Google or any other search engines. To be fair they are a complete waste of time. But then those posting them are usually using some kind of program or bot. They can't possibly be reading the blog post they are leaving their crap on. Todays rubbish was left on a post I'd made about my brother's inquest. Very sensitive, thank you very much!
So I don't care if you never read this, it doesn't matter, because no-one will be reading your crap either. And you can be sure you won't ever get anything published here!

Up??

I don't quite know what's come over me but I'm feeling ok so I thought I'd post here. Too often I use this blog to vent all the sad stuff. Actually I don't know that it's sad, it's just life to me. Now, I haven't had a good week, quite the opposite, in fact I'm currently recovering from a two day migraine. Last week I had a big argument with Cassie, a fall out with Craige, and a few hours stress on Friday when Craige did a disappearing act without telling me. But despite everything, I feel ok in myself. Not jumping for joy or anything, just mildly calm and happy.
I went out for the day last week with just Joseph, not a little trip, we went all the way to Nottingham. I was really stressed about it, but I did it, and I enjoyed it and it gave me a real confidence boost. I took a plethora of maps, directions, timetables etc with me, and didn't use any. I did get lost but I asked the way and it wasn't too bad.
I also have some things to look forward too. Maybe they won't happen but if they do it will be great. If they don't then I feel confident that I won't let it get me down.
I think I'm finding my feet, or is it a ladder? I'm coming up!

Forwards, Backward, Up and Down

I've been looking backwards a lot lately. I do this sometimes and I wonder if it's because I'm too scared to look forward? Maybe it's time to face my demons?
Today I got a letter from the council turning down my appeal for more housing points on medical grounds. Despite having two disabled household members and one with a mental illness, it doesn't mean anything to them. They think it's ok for all seven of us to be living in a small three bedroomed house. I'd like to see how they get on, see if it has any affect on them, let alone someone with disabilities or illness. So now it's the end of the line, I've tried everything but we are stuck here. Unless we can rent privately, which we can't because I've tried just about everywhere local. Being so close to a university means that all the bigger houses are converted and rented out to students. The only houses on offer to families are three bedroomed ones. We could move out of the area but that would be a big thing especially to Craige and Lucy who don't want to move anyway. Anyway, that's just one thing. We are stuck here and we have to make the most of it. Something I actually came to terms with a while ago and  set about sprucing the place up. Only that hasn't worked out too well because I just can't get the help I need.
Living space aside I also worry about my kids futures. Craige is currently working hard towards his accountancy degree. Will he get a job afterwards? who knows, I hope so because he has worked so hard. In fact I've never seen him work so hard at anything else before. He has talked to me about leaving home but I'm not so sure he'd cope. Maybe with the right help he might, at the moment it's just something else for me to worry about.
Lucy is starting to have more problems at school, the kids have started to notice that she's a little different and she is being treated differently by the teachers. Will she be bullied as she gets older? Will she be able to cope with school as the work and routine gets more complicated?
Cassie is not getting the help she needs. The doors keep getting closed on her no matter what she tries. Give her some pills and watch she doesn't top herself seems to be the answer of the day, every day!
Leila, bless her, is my little princess. She is such a sweet child but, even though I hate saying this about my own child, she's really not that bright. She struggles with her school work and struggles to understand basically everything around her. She just seems to be getting worse than better as she gets older. I have always thought she has a problem with her hearing, but her test came back as ok. She just doesn't seem to hear, or pehaps it's listen, I don't know. If I ignore everyone else I might have the time to figure it out.
Joseph is my gorgeous little boy, full of charm and everyone loves him. I'm just waiting for someone else to notice the things about him I notice, or rather I'm just waiting and hoping that I'm totally wrong.
I can't go into my relationship. I don't know what's going on there. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
So why should I think of the future, things are not so good now and I can't see them improving only getting worse and that scares me.

1993

Tonight I pulled out a diary at random from my pile in the wardrobe, it was 1993.
I must have been much younger then because I was incredibly active. I complained a lot about being stuck in front of the telly when in actual fact I was off to the pub at least twice a week. I had a circle of babysitting friends and we used to share each others kids, which meant lots of nights out. Also, I'd go out all day while the kids, then aged four and five, were at school and then out again after school with the kids. Phew, did I ever sit down? When did I have time for the housework?
This was the year that eldest son's asthma started. The first time he had an attack I had no idea what was going on, I just knew he was poorly enough to warrant a home visit from the GP. The result was an injection of ventolin which seemed to do the trick. A couple of months later another attack had him admitted to hospital for four days on a drip. A very scary time and one that made me and his dad pack up smoking as we were convinced we were to blame. He had a few more hospital visits but his asthma got a lot better as he got older.
My daughter had a birthday party in the church hall and it cost us £12 to hire it!! Just saying because I know it costs £70 now.
My husband was a cab driver at the time but he didn't work much throughout the year, he had car problems, lots of them, and an illness which put him in hospital (something to do with his tonsils that got so bad he had to have them out as an emergency operation) and a mental breakdown. He was drinking heavily day and night and would often crawl home around 4a.m So not a good year for him (or me) We had lots of arguments usually connected to his drinking and staying out, but also the other way around. There is one account of him rearing up at me because I was wearing nail varnish. Funny, I don't remember it being so bad :-(
August 29th we went to church to renew our wedding vows. It was his idea. Two years previously he'd left me for another woman (well, girl really, she was only 18) and he said that because he'd broken his vows he wanted to make them again to prove how much he loved me. I just wanted him to prove it by not drinking so much and staying out all night.

Also in 1993 I was doing my Open University degree, I think it was my first year and I was very keen. This seem to annoy my husband even more as there were a few arguments over my studying. The film Educating Rita came to mind, only my tutor was a lovely mild mannered silver haired old man who was probably not an alcoholic!! I know my husband hated the fact that I was trying to get a better education, he would say that I was only doing it so I could get away from him. I didn't give it up though and achieved my degree in 1998, by which time my husband had left me for another woman (this time a little older)

Back to School and stuff

Today was the girls first day back at school after the long summer holiday. Last night Lucy was really stressed out, crying and begging us not to take her. This morning she was fine and excited about going back!!  (the only blip was when her dad told her that her best friend wouldn't be there, we had a few more tears then :-(
They went to school fine. The school wasn't really prepared though. First the gates were locked and we had to walk around the block to the other side of the school. Then they couldn't open the doors and the children were all waiting to get in while the teacher were rushing around inside like headless chickens looking for the keys. They got in eventually and when we went to pick them up they were all smiles saying they had had a good day. Lucy likes her new teacher, fortunately she's already really familiar with her as she is the school's SENCO (special education needs co-ordinator) Leila also likes her new teacher. I do worry about Leila, sometimes more than Lucy, as she seems locked in a completely different world to anyone else, she is a happy little girl though (mostly)

It was a bit of a surprise having their dad get up to go to school with them. That probably won't happen to often as he doesn't like getting up in the morning. After the school run I came back to do a little housework and then we went out. We did a little shopping and then I took some flowers down to the grave. It's the first time I've been to visit since I saw it stripped  off last time, it's still a bit of a shock. Fresh flowers always make a grave look nicer though. Near the gates is the plaque for my step-dad. I used to leave him flowers but they are so expensive it's difficult enough to afford to make our grave look good and there are never any to spare. Today I felt really guilty because tomorrow it's the 33rd anniversary of my step-dad Desmond's death. I remember it so well, it was the day I'd gone back to school, 2nd yr senior, and he'd been building a patio in our garden. On the night I was woken up by my mum screaming for me. I went into the bedroom and saw instantly that my step-dad was dead. Mum was telling me to get an ambulance. The ambulance came but as I already knew, there was nothing they could do. That night comes back to haunt me frequently. I will take flowers for him next time, or maybe a little plant. He was a lovely man and made my mum very happy for the few years they had together. (caused a bit of a stir at the time too, my nan fell out with my mum because she started dating Desmond just a year after my dad died)

I digress! The rest of my day followed with lunch in a cafe that Graham and I used to visit a lot from when I was expecting Lucy until I had Leila. We would go there every Saturday for lunch. It felt strange going there with Joseph today. After lunch we did a little shopping. I visited one shop that was in the old Jobcentre, that was a little strange.

When we got home I kind of slumped a little. I'm feeling much better now, but sometimes my head thinks too much! I have so much crap going around in there I don't know what I'm thinking sometimes.

When I realise

I'm having a time of realisation lately, like I've been living in a bubble and not understanding what is around me, then suddenly I realise what's really going on.
I have so many things locked up inside that I just can't talk about. Why? Because it would be like bursting the bubble and letting it all out and I'm not ready to face the consequences. Time and time again I just want to say what I feel but I can't, because what I really feel is selfish and I'm not a selfish person. I don't want to hurt anyone just so I can be happy. To be really happy I would have to hurt a few people and I'm not prepared to do that. If I caused pain and distress to others I wouldn't be happy anyway. So I'm doomed when it comes to being happy, I  just have to make do with what I have, make the best of it and pretend to be happy. I've had enough practice, I've had to make do all my life.
Regrets, I have more than a few, but no point in dwelling on them, what has passed is over, no point in wishing you could change what you can't. But I can deal with that, what I can't deal with is the future.

So I live day by day, I count my blessings and I ask God to guide me in my decisions. Then I try to save myself from myself.

Mum Would Be So Mad At Me

When I get under that dark cloud I start thinking things that may be described as weird or strange. Or sometimes I focus on the past, as far back as I can remember. I try to remember my Dad and my early years. It's not always easy and the memories, even if good ones, tend to hurt.
When I was little I had real trouble understanding why my mum was angry with me. Strike that, not only when I was little but all my life really. Even when I knew I'd done something wrong it seemed to me that my mum should be there for me and not be angry, not ever, not at all, no matter what. That sounds a little strange to me now but it's just the way I've always felt. The confusion I felt as a child would keep me awake all night, worrying why my mum was so mad, but not really understanding. As an adult, I didn't make her mad so often, but I still had trouble understanding why. Once, she was so mad she told me to get out of her house and never come back. I was stunned, how could she say that, how could she be so mad. I hadn't even done anything, not me, I was only telling her what I knew. She had to tell me, or rather yell at me, three times before I got up and left. I didn't see her for five years. I felt hurt and betrayed, how could she be so mad at ME.
This week, for the first time since she died, I realised that if I saw her now, if I spoke to her now, she would be so mad at me. It's like I suddenly get it. I know the only thing that makes her mad at me is when it involves my little brother. All those times when I was younger, she got mad because I didn't play with him, I made him cry, I didn't stick up for him, I shouted at him, I told on him for doing wrong. Anything I did against my little brother made me the butt of her anger. I didn't hate my brother, I loved him because my mum loved him so much. I would have done anything for him. Even when I knew he did wrong I felt bad for him, and I felt bad for my mum who protected him when the whole world was against them. I couldn't help it even though they didn't deserve it.
When I made up with mum after the five years apart we had an unspoken deal that we did not talk about what had happened. And I refused to talk about my brother.
When she knew she was dying she asked me to look out for him.
I tried but it was hard, he knew what he wanted.
He killed himself.
I let mum down and if she saw me now, if she spoke to me now she would be so so so very angry with me.