It's All Me!

I've had an amazing revelation to myself, everything that happens around me is down to me! All my problems just escalate when I'm not dealing with them properly. When I'm ok things go ok.
This week I've realised that my other half hasn't changed, it's my perception of him. Ok, it might have been his flirting and cheating that highlighted things, but he's always been the same. The little things that I used to find endearing I now find annoying. The things I found annoying I now want to strangle him for!!  He's still the same, it's me that's changed.
I've also realised that I can cope. For so long now things have got on top of me and I've felt that I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. Even simple things like keeping on top of the housework and the laundry, getting the kids organised, cooking meals have all got me down. This week I've breezed through everything. The OH has been to work at his new job. He works nights, so he's been out from just before the kids bedtime and then in bed all day until nearly tea time. I've coped really well, I'm on top of everything and I've even had time to entertain the kids and have a day out seeing as it's been half term. They've been in bed on time every night, and we've even had time for a story. It's been easy.  The only way I can explain it is that I rely too much on OH to do nothing.
For example, I want him to help me get the kids ready for bed, but first he has to go around his mum's for a fag, so I wait for him, I don't want to do it on my own, it's hard work, I want help and he's done nothing all day, so I wait, then I usually end up doing it myself but feeling rushed and frustrated with him. I haven't had to worry about him helping this week, I've just got on with it and we've quickly got into a routine, and you know what, it's easy!
Each day when he was home I've procrastinated, simply because he's done nothing, I've not wanted to do anything either. Why should I  clean out the kitchen cupboards while he is sleeping or  smoking around his mum's? Why should I spend an hour ironing, why should I re-grout the bathroom tiles, surely that's his job? See where I'm going? Just take him out of the picture and I'm quite happy to do the lot. Of course he is working now, so he's doing his bit too.
I've also found dealing with eldest daughter much easier without OH around. Now unless you've actually lived with someone with bi-polar it's very difficult to understand. She is a nightmare most of the time. OH accuses me of pussyfooting around her, or giving in to her all the time. The truth is I understand how difficult she finds everything and I don't want to make things worse. So I do let her get away with a lot, but then we sit down and talk about it when she's calm and she takes a lot on board. Then the next time she's being a pain she'll sometimes 'click' and apologise before taking herself away from what's bothering her. OH does understand she can't help it most of the time but it doesn't stop him getting angry with her, then they end up arguing. Or he gets angry with me and we end up arguing. None of this is good with the little ones around.
So I just have to keep on being ok in myself and I can deal with anything.

Life's like that!

Feeling a bit ill at the mo. Just a cold which has suddenly crept up on me, I've been fine all day! The little ones have all been sick today, Joseph waited until bed time and gave me two loads of washing for the machine, thanks son! I'm going to have to keep them all home tomorrow.
But, it's been a good day. I was up at the crack of dawn and making my way to Nottingham, where I was met by a representative for Center Parcs and a couple of other bloggers before being whisked off for a day at Sherwood Forest Center Parc. Why? Because I've won the opportunity of being a Center Parcs family blogger. Along with my responsibility comes the opportunity to have a holiday at Whinfell Forest Center parc. It's all really exciting.
That's not all... Graham has a new job which he starts next week. He'll be back on the trains but working for a different company.
And in other news... Cassie has a referral for proper help and a diagnosis for her condition.
Things are looking up at last.

A Message to Blog Spammers

Today I had notification that a comment had been left on one of my blog posts. It was spam, everyone gets them, but why do it? How many people actually allow spam to be posted as comments? How many people will read them? It won't do you any good in Google or any other search engines. To be fair they are a complete waste of time. But then those posting them are usually using some kind of program or bot. They can't possibly be reading the blog post they are leaving their crap on. Todays rubbish was left on a post I'd made about my brother's inquest. Very sensitive, thank you very much!
So I don't care if you never read this, it doesn't matter, because no-one will be reading your crap either. And you can be sure you won't ever get anything published here!

Up??

I don't quite know what's come over me but I'm feeling ok so I thought I'd post here. Too often I use this blog to vent all the sad stuff. Actually I don't know that it's sad, it's just life to me. Now, I haven't had a good week, quite the opposite, in fact I'm currently recovering from a two day migraine. Last week I had a big argument with Cassie, a fall out with Craige, and a few hours stress on Friday when Craige did a disappearing act without telling me. But despite everything, I feel ok in myself. Not jumping for joy or anything, just mildly calm and happy.
I went out for the day last week with just Joseph, not a little trip, we went all the way to Nottingham. I was really stressed about it, but I did it, and I enjoyed it and it gave me a real confidence boost. I took a plethora of maps, directions, timetables etc with me, and didn't use any. I did get lost but I asked the way and it wasn't too bad.
I also have some things to look forward too. Maybe they won't happen but if they do it will be great. If they don't then I feel confident that I won't let it get me down.
I think I'm finding my feet, or is it a ladder? I'm coming up!