I've been looking backwards a lot lately. I do this sometimes and I wonder if it's because I'm too scared to look forward? Maybe it's time to face my demons?
Today I got a letter from the council turning down my appeal for more housing points on medical grounds. Despite having two disabled household members and one with a mental illness, it doesn't mean anything to them. They think it's ok for all seven of us to be living in a small three bedroomed house. I'd like to see how they get on, see if it has any affect on them, let alone someone with disabilities or illness. So now it's the end of the line, I've tried everything but we are stuck here. Unless we can rent privately, which we can't because I've tried just about everywhere local. Being so close to a university means that all the bigger houses are converted and rented out to students. The only houses on offer to families are three bedroomed ones. We could move out of the area but that would be a big thing especially to Craige and Lucy who don't want to move anyway. Anyway, that's just one thing. We are stuck here and we have to make the most of it. Something I actually came to terms with a while ago and set about sprucing the place up. Only that hasn't worked out too well because I just can't get the help I need.
Living space aside I also worry about my kids futures. Craige is currently working hard towards his accountancy degree. Will he get a job afterwards? who knows, I hope so because he has worked so hard. In fact I've never seen him work so hard at anything else before. He has talked to me about leaving home but I'm not so sure he'd cope. Maybe with the right help he might, at the moment it's just something else for me to worry about.
Lucy is starting to have more problems at school, the kids have started to notice that she's a little different and she is being treated differently by the teachers. Will she be bullied as she gets older? Will she be able to cope with school as the work and routine gets more complicated?
Cassie is not getting the help she needs. The doors keep getting closed on her no matter what she tries. Give her some pills and watch she doesn't top herself seems to be the answer of the day, every day!
Leila, bless her, is my little princess. She is such a sweet child but, even though I hate saying this about my own child, she's really not that bright. She struggles with her school work and struggles to understand basically everything around her. She just seems to be getting worse than better as she gets older. I have always thought she has a problem with her hearing, but her test came back as ok. She just doesn't seem to hear, or pehaps it's listen, I don't know. If I ignore everyone else I might have the time to figure it out.
Joseph is my gorgeous little boy, full of charm and everyone loves him. I'm just waiting for someone else to notice the things about him I notice, or rather I'm just waiting and hoping that I'm totally wrong.
I can't go into my relationship. I don't know what's going on there. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
So why should I think of the future, things are not so good now and I can't see them improving only getting worse and that scares me.
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