Christmas 2012

The World didn't end on December 21st as many people believed the Mayan calander predicted. Just thought I'd point that out in case you hadn't noticed.
So on to Christmas. I've been ill for weeks now, some virus that I just can't shift. As well as coughing non-stop, so much that I'm feeling constantly dizzy and out of breath, I've had sickness, diarrhoea and constant headaches, temperature and aches and pains. It's been bloody miserable but I've tried really hard not to show just how bad I've been feeling. I've carried on regardless, going to bed at the same time as the kids to try and reserve some energy, make myself feel better. I went to the GP, he was useless. I'm not the only one that's been sick either, we've all had it at some point. The big kids were lucky and recovered pretty quick, so did Lucy. Leila was not so lucky and missed so much of her Christmas at school. Although she was well again for Christmas. Poor Joseph keeps going with the sickness and diarrhoea, which I think is keeping me going, we can't seem to break the cycle.

The run up to Christmas was no fun, I couldn't enjoy shopping, the kids missed loads of school, I missed plays and concerts, we had no excitement build up. Even the wrapping of presents which is usually done with a couple of drinks and some Christmas music was done instead with hot sweats and visits to the loo. I don't know how I managed it.

Then along came Christmas day. I was a little disappointed in the lack of presents. I'd been determined to do Christmas with no debt and I did, but even though I thought I'd done well, there didn't really seem to be much at all. The kids don't really get presents of anyone else either, just a small gift off my brother and sister-in-law and some off their nan. The kids didn't complain though, they were happy. And to be honest I think they were good choices, They have stuff that will keep them happy for a long time with lots of play value.
My presents on the other hand were dismal. Graham had bought me a box of chocolates, or so he thought, they were actually a box of chocolate biscuits. The big kids didn't buy me anything. I had a sandwich toaster off Graham's mum, a mug off my brother, a pretty bangle and handkerchief off my Secret Santa and a couple of £1 boxes of sweets from two of my Avon customers. I don't normally complain about my presents, after all it's about the giving not the receiving, but well, it does make you think how much you are thought of!

My mood wasn't good. I was thinking a lot about my mum, I'd also just heard that an online friend had passed away leaving behind three small children. Then you get to thinking about those poor families missing members killed in the school shooting and the fire fighters killed in NY, and those poor children in the crash on the M6, see where I'm going? It's easy to spiral down when your thoughts lead you this way. I didn't show my misery though, I kept going, kept busy and by the end of the day I was feeling much better.

So, on to the positives. We didn't get up until 7am, not bad at all really. Not one single moan or argument all day, from anyone, honestly! It was a blissfully happy family home. Craige spent lots of time playing with the girls, yes, he even played their Barbie shopping board game with them!! I think all the adults had a play with the lego too :-) The afternoon was spent playing on Craige's new WiiU, Nintendoland was loads of fun with five players. There was a lot of laughter.

Dinner was lovely even if I do say so myself. The turkey was moist and full of flavour, everything was cooked perfectly, no-one complained and there were lots of empty plates. My only gripe was that they wanted it late so we had dinner at 5pm. I'd have liked it earlier, but in the end it worked out well.

Graham went around his mum's four times during the day, but I didn't mind. He took all the kids around one time, I would have gone too, but you don't feel very sociable when you're not feeling well. He also took Joseph and Leila around a second time which gave me a bit of a break.

Just before bedtime I sneaked upstairs and covered the girls bunk beds with the fairy lights I'd bought them. They looked really lovely and they had a real surprise when they went to bed. They are actually 'fairy' lights, beautiful white and pink fairies on a clear plastic wire.

I have to say that despite my illness and low mood, they day went well and everyone was happy.
Merry Christmas!

My dream for next year is to be in a new home, fingers crossed x

Jobs and Sickness and Houses and Stuff

So just a few weeks ago things were going along ok, we had more money coming in and I've managed to pay for Christmas without any debt and was looking forward to being able to afford a car in the new year. My daughter had a few slips but back on the medications she was brightening up a little and we even had a couple of days out together. We had the good news that we'd moved to the top of the waiting list for a new home, currently we are a family of seven in three bedrooms. I was arguing less with my partner (mostly because I never saw him!)
Now everything is falling apart again. The job has gone after 7 short weeks. He failed the medical on his hearing test. They told him no re-test (he had a nasty cold at the time and I think it may have affected his results) and just let him go, no notice or anything. Then he said that there may be a re-test in the New Year and that he'd been suspended not sacked. I don't know what to believe. I've not actually shown any emotion over this yet.
Then today I get a call about looking at another house but there is a problem. This is a joint tenancy with my ex husband and they can't do anything without his go ahead. My ex left in 1997, I told them about it. I filled in several forms, I went to the offices and spoke to someone face to face, I got my ex to fill in forms, make phone calls, write letters. I sent off a copy of my divorce papers. I had my current partner put down as a resident. But still they insist that my ex is a joint tenant. Bloody ridiculous!
The last two weeks have been a nightmare health wise, I've suffered migraine after migraine, at one point so bad that even my migraine tablets didn't take the edge off the pain. I've also had a really bad chest which has kept me awake at night. I've coughed so much my throat and stomach are sore and each cough is almost unbearable now. Then the girls got sick, some virus. They haven't had any symptoms as such just really high temperatures and the inability to actually move, they just lay around for four or five days. The GP said they were ok, just a virus, keep giving them paracetamol. Yeah, ok, this is the same GP who gave my little girl cough linctus on the day she was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. \I'm on anti-biotics now to clear up my chest. The girls are back at school, still looking rough but struggling along bless them.

And Another Year Bites the Dust

Yes, it's that time of year again, It's my birthday and I'm feeling old!
The day started with me realising that my partner hadn't come to bed all night. Nothing new, I can't remember the last time he did, but then he does work nights (although, not last night) So I get up with the kids and he doesn't even wish me happy birthday. I'm thinking surely he hasn't forgot, where is the, ohh sorry I didn't have any money to get you anything, or the, I was planning on getting you something later? Nope, nothing, not a word. Then he has one of the girls on his lap and excitedly says to her, do you know what is happening today? I have a flicker of hope, he hasn't forgotten after all, but no, he continues 'Daddy is having another driving lesson'
So I decided to open my cards and presents (not everyone forgets) and he says surprised, what are you doing? Oh shit, is it your birthday today? I don't bother answering.
He crawls off to bed leaving the kitchen looking like a tip after his late night food fests.
I'm not bothered that he didn't buy me anything, but to actually genuinely forget? Wow, he really thinks a lot of me doesn't he?
So, after taking the girls to school I decided to take Joseph down the cemetery to visit mum. Four years ago on my birthday is when she started feeling ill, she was admitted to hospital on the 28th and died on Christmas day. It's still a really difficult time for me as I relive it all every year. If you are new to my blog you can go back that far to read, I found it a great help writing things down here.
First shock was they had chopped down the big tree that had been overhanging the grave since my dad was buried 37 years ago. It looked so different. They had also renewed all the paths which was nice, previously they were a nightmare with the push chair. I bought lots of flowers and it looked so nice when I left.

I've not been able to take a photo from this angle before because of the tree!

After visiting mum and the rest of my family I took Joseph for a walk around the shops. I took some money from our savings and intended on buying myself a treat, but didn't really spend much.

I got home, with a bag of chips (it's my birthday, it's allowed) just in time for my delivery from Asda.

Oh the excitement never ends :-)

then it was off to the GPs with my eldest daughter. Since her last visit to the pyscho (sic) she stopped her drugs instantly. I told her it was wrong, but she insisted that it was what she'd been told. So the last week has been a nightmare and the weekend a dreadful nightmare. I phoned the NHS helpline on Saturday because I was worried and they told me to take her to hospital, but we really don't want to go down that route. She would most likely to be sectioned, and she's just too young to have that hanging over her. If I thought she was in danger then I'd do it myself, but it's really a last resort. I tried phoning several places for help, but they just wanted her to call, which she wouldn't do. Today I made an appointment at the GPs the third since last Monday. I didn't think she would go, but she had a really bad turn shortly before the appointment and I think she'd had enough. Anyway, she's back on her drugs now, quite obviously she was suffering withdrawal symptoms. She's also managed to speak to her pyscho and had her next appointment brought forward. So things are looking a little positive now, and right as I type, she is sleeping! She hasn't slept more than an hour for days! (Or eaten)

So that was my day...but there are highlights. Both my older children have spoilt me this birthday. My daughter bought me heaps of stuff when we went to the cake show a couple of weeks ago and my son came back from class with a bag full of chocolate goodies for me. 

I also had lovely cards and presents from my brother and sister-in-law and my partners mum.

So that's it then, all over for another year! 

Happy Birthday to Me

My Friend

I met this guy about 18 months ago. At first I'll admit that I fancied him, but just because you find someone attractive doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. We both had partners and children and I just don't go there, it would have to be a lot more than finding someone attractive to interfere in other's relationships or risk my own. Anyway, that doesn't really matter anymore because now we are friends. I see him almost every day, not for long but we always chat for a while. I've suspected for a while that he might have social issues and from the information I have gathered over the past 18 months I would say that I'm convinced he has Asperger's Syndrome. He doesn't know this though and I wouldn't say anything. His partner is young, naive, and has issues of her own. I guess they make the perfect couple but that doesn't mean it always goes smoothly. I don't know from him if things are tough, but she comes to me for advice sometimes.

Every day when we see each other I get 'talked at' he just rabbits away about what he wants to talk about and I can get away with the odd nod or yes or even mumble, none of it is of huge interest to me and I don't believe he's looking for interaction, he's just speaking what's on his mind. It can be annoying at times but I'm used to it. My son, 25, has been 'talking at' me for a hell of a lot longer, I'm an expert at dealing with it.
Sometimes though, usually if I'm in the right mood, I can get him to talk to me instead, yes, real actual conversations. I enjoy these conversations, but don't initiate them all the time (and I do have to initiate them ninty percent of the time)

This last week I've learnt more about him that I have done in the last eighteen months I've known him. My partner has been away most of the week and I've barely seen him, so maybe I've been a little lonely and initiated more conversations. He has initiated more conversations too, completely out of the blue he's told me things about his life, his family, his past, things he's never told me about before. It got me thinking about how long it takes some people to open up. Some will blurt out their entire life story on a whim, but others are much more reserved and don't reveal much until they are confident with the other person. I haven't told him very much about me. When I split with my partner last year I didn't tell him anything that had happened, even though he knew the other woman involved.

He has personal space issues, I've noticed that he avoids touching people and keeps everyone at arms reach. A couple of times we have been squashed closer when in a small place and someone is coming in the opposite direction (usually the walk to the school playground) and it just feels uncomfortable. Then there was a time when we were talking about his lack of shaving and he had quite a  beard. He was telling me how rough his beard was and I asked if I could touch it, he let me but flinched as I did so. But there was another time when he was showing me his missing knuckle on his hand and offered me his hand to touch it, but I couldn't. (I know it sounds freaky, but I did want to see what it felt like I just didn't want to touch it) You see, I have personal space issues too and we repel each other like the wrong end of magnets.

He has no problem with eye contact though, and he has a lovely smile for me every time we meet. Sadly, I do have trouble with eye contact and have to really try hard to respond, which is sad because that's something about him I really like.

This week we were talking about the possibility of my moving away from the area. We are trying to get a move to a bigger house. I think we both realised that we would miss each other and our quirky little friendship.

The Smile (april 2011)

It's All Me!

I've had an amazing revelation to myself, everything that happens around me is down to me! All my problems just escalate when I'm not dealing with them properly. When I'm ok things go ok.
This week I've realised that my other half hasn't changed, it's my perception of him. Ok, it might have been his flirting and cheating that highlighted things, but he's always been the same. The little things that I used to find endearing I now find annoying. The things I found annoying I now want to strangle him for!!  He's still the same, it's me that's changed.
I've also realised that I can cope. For so long now things have got on top of me and I've felt that I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. Even simple things like keeping on top of the housework and the laundry, getting the kids organised, cooking meals have all got me down. This week I've breezed through everything. The OH has been to work at his new job. He works nights, so he's been out from just before the kids bedtime and then in bed all day until nearly tea time. I've coped really well, I'm on top of everything and I've even had time to entertain the kids and have a day out seeing as it's been half term. They've been in bed on time every night, and we've even had time for a story. It's been easy.  The only way I can explain it is that I rely too much on OH to do nothing.
For example, I want him to help me get the kids ready for bed, but first he has to go around his mum's for a fag, so I wait for him, I don't want to do it on my own, it's hard work, I want help and he's done nothing all day, so I wait, then I usually end up doing it myself but feeling rushed and frustrated with him. I haven't had to worry about him helping this week, I've just got on with it and we've quickly got into a routine, and you know what, it's easy!
Each day when he was home I've procrastinated, simply because he's done nothing, I've not wanted to do anything either. Why should I  clean out the kitchen cupboards while he is sleeping or  smoking around his mum's? Why should I spend an hour ironing, why should I re-grout the bathroom tiles, surely that's his job? See where I'm going? Just take him out of the picture and I'm quite happy to do the lot. Of course he is working now, so he's doing his bit too.
I've also found dealing with eldest daughter much easier without OH around. Now unless you've actually lived with someone with bi-polar it's very difficult to understand. She is a nightmare most of the time. OH accuses me of pussyfooting around her, or giving in to her all the time. The truth is I understand how difficult she finds everything and I don't want to make things worse. So I do let her get away with a lot, but then we sit down and talk about it when she's calm and she takes a lot on board. Then the next time she's being a pain she'll sometimes 'click' and apologise before taking herself away from what's bothering her. OH does understand she can't help it most of the time but it doesn't stop him getting angry with her, then they end up arguing. Or he gets angry with me and we end up arguing. None of this is good with the little ones around.
So I just have to keep on being ok in myself and I can deal with anything.

Life's like that!

Feeling a bit ill at the mo. Just a cold which has suddenly crept up on me, I've been fine all day! The little ones have all been sick today, Joseph waited until bed time and gave me two loads of washing for the machine, thanks son! I'm going to have to keep them all home tomorrow.
But, it's been a good day. I was up at the crack of dawn and making my way to Nottingham, where I was met by a representative for Center Parcs and a couple of other bloggers before being whisked off for a day at Sherwood Forest Center Parc. Why? Because I've won the opportunity of being a Center Parcs family blogger. Along with my responsibility comes the opportunity to have a holiday at Whinfell Forest Center parc. It's all really exciting.
That's not all... Graham has a new job which he starts next week. He'll be back on the trains but working for a different company.
And in other news... Cassie has a referral for proper help and a diagnosis for her condition.
Things are looking up at last.

A Message to Blog Spammers

Today I had notification that a comment had been left on one of my blog posts. It was spam, everyone gets them, but why do it? How many people actually allow spam to be posted as comments? How many people will read them? It won't do you any good in Google or any other search engines. To be fair they are a complete waste of time. But then those posting them are usually using some kind of program or bot. They can't possibly be reading the blog post they are leaving their crap on. Todays rubbish was left on a post I'd made about my brother's inquest. Very sensitive, thank you very much!
So I don't care if you never read this, it doesn't matter, because no-one will be reading your crap either. And you can be sure you won't ever get anything published here!