Goodbye 2011

I sat here last night composing a review of 2011, I was using my blog for memory jogging. I decided to scrap the post, not because the year was particularly boring and I didn't have anything to say, but because it showed me to be a miserable cow. So few posts where upbeat and happy, most were depressing. I suppose I should be glad my blog is not well read. Anyway, I'll admit it, I feel much the same now as  I did last year, nothing ever seems to go right for me, I have far too much to deal with and far too little support or help. My mind is a constant muddle of all the things I need to get sorted. I'm kept awake each night by children and worries on my mind. But maybe it's time for things to change, maybe this will be my year. I'm going to do something radical and put a happy spin on everything that gets me down. How long it will last I don't know. There are some things I can't change but there are some things I can, many I've tried to change and failed, but I won't give up. I just need a different mindset and a little luck, oh, and a Saviour!

Welcome 2012

I think I've coped fairly well this Christmas. The sadness has been there but I've also learnt to accept that there is nothing I can do to change that and the pain seems easier to bear. Today would have been mum's birthday, the year she died she hadn't even been buried and that was really hard. I remember I had one of my horrible migraines that day too and I was unable to drive to visit my brother who was very depressed. I kept in touch with him all day by mobile and told him I'd be up to see him the next day. His last text to me was ' I miss mum' I texted back to say that I did too and I'll see him tomorrow, but I never did. He chose to take his life before I arrived.

I have found Eastenders really difficult this New Year too, I knew that Pat was going to die but I hadn't read any spoilers and thought she would be going out with an heart attack. Then she got the diagnosis of terminal cancer. The scene in the hospital where the consultant told her diagnosis and prognosis was almost identical to what happened to mum. The first reaction everyone has to cancer is to fight it, there is so much that can be done these days and you hear of people beating cancer all the time. That's why it's so shocking to hear the words 'terminal' Yes, in some cases treatment can prolong life, but sometimes there is just nothing to be done, and when the cancer is that far advanced there is no fight and death comes quickly. The scenes that upset me the most where the ones where Pat decided to come home from hospital. To go home to die. Taking someone home from hospital to die is the most surreal experience and one I will never ever forget.

I haven't read anything but I'm thinking a lot of people will criticise Eastenders and the way they handled the storyline, but in drawing on my experience I think they did it very well. I do wish the program wasn't so darn depressing all the time though.

Christmas 2011

Christmas eve we had an early start and all went to the cemetery with our wreath and candles. It was cold but bright and no rain so perfect for a walk through the park to the old church and cemetery.

 

We met my aunt and cousin there and after laying our wreath, lighting and lighting our candles we went inside the curch to have a warm up and a drink. The girls helped put some baubles on the church Christmas tree. It really is a lovely old church. I got married there in 1986 on it's 200th anniversary.

Then it was back home on the bus, stopping by the local post office for our Christmas booze!

Back home the girls just couldn't wait to go to bed and were tucked up fast asleep by 7.30pm. Then Graham went to his mum's and I decided to retire myself at around 10pm.

Christmas morning began with Lucy waking at 5am. she couldn't get back to sleep but what 6 year old could! So I got up with her and allowed her to open 1 present while I made a cuppa and some breakfast. Then Joseph woke at 6am and I woke Leila and Graham up. Then followed a present opening frenzy.

Craige got up to join in and Cassie came down shortly after the main frenzy. Then Graham went back to bed.

Then Craige went back to bed. Then Cassie went back to bed and it was just me and the little ones as usual.

Graham got up again and went around his mum's again for a couple of hours. I put the turkey in and got the veggies ready. I jotted down a schedule so that everything would be cooked on time. My aim was 3.30pm. At 2.30pm, I decided do check the oven and that's when I discovered that it had kindly switched itself off, probably five minutes after my putting the turkey in. So after a little flap, I re-scheduled dinner for 6pm and cooked a big greasy late lunch! We ended up having dinner at 5.30pm and it was lovely, so worth the wait.

 After dinner, Graham went around his mum's for an hour, but this time he took the kids with him so I had chance to clean up a bit and watch the first 1/2hour of Dr Who in peace. When they got back it was time for the kids to go to bed. 

Then we settled down to watch Eastenders and afterwards, surprise, surprise, Graham went around his mum's. I had a glass of wine and went to bed.

All in all, not a bad day. It could have been better, Graham could have spent more time with us, the cooker could have co-operated a bit more and not turned itself off and I could have done without an uplanned visit from auntie flo, but as Cassie kindly pointed out to me, I've had much much worse Christmas'

3 years ago!

3 years ago today I'd been to visit my mum twice in the hospice, the place she didn't want to be. Me and Sim had taken her out of hospital (Against everyones wishes except mum's who's wishes were the only ones that mattered) and taken her home to die, she wanted to die at home. Then within just a day of being home she went downhill so quickly my other brother had her put in a hospice. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing. He was angry at me for taking her out of the hospital. Although shocking, I knew what was happening, mum knew she was going home to die that's why she wanted to go home when she did, she knew she didn't have long left, but my brother believed that taking her out of hospital was what made her go downhill so quickly, he believed that she had much longer left, he was scared that we couldn't look after her at home it would be too difficult. So that's it in a nutshell...and we still haven't really forgiven each other. My worst regret is her not having her last wish of dying at home. No matter how difficult it would have been I know we could have done whatever was needed. It was only for a week in the end.
I still send my brother a xmas card, although I don't get one in return.

I've bought a beautiful angel candle holder for the grave for mum, I've also bought some candles for the rest of my family and will spend some time with them all on Christmas Eve. I will light a candle at home in her memory on Christmas day at 4pm, the time she passed away.
I'm finding this year so hard, last year I had baby Joe to keep me focused, the year before I was pregnant, but this year has been a sad and lonely one, I've wanted to speak to mum so many times. I've missed her so much.
I've found some comfort in my faith. If I'm honest, I only went back to church because I wanted Leila and Joseph Christened, but I've barely missed a week for the last six months. I've found a new, friendly community to be part of, and plenty that has assured and comforted me in times of need.

So now as I approach Christmas, a time of joy and of dread, I have my back-ups in place and my wonderful family to keep me grounded. So even when I feel the only place I want to be is the same place as my mum, there is always something or someone that can hold me back.

I Had Another Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday and now I'm beginning to feel old. Sometimes I feel way too old to have three small children, what was I thinking, they are such hard work. Then sometimes I think that having three small children keeps me feeling young. Either way, I wouldn't be without them now.

So, pressies, yes I had a few :-) Graham bought me a lovely cross pendant, Cassie bought me a bottle of chocolate wine, Craige bought tickets to see Kasabian next week, the mother-in-law bought me chocolates and smellies, and my brother and sister-in-law gave me money with which I'm going to buy Il Divo's new album out tomorrow.

On Friday, me, Graham and Joe went to the BBC Good Food show which was great. The exhibition was huge and we walked our feet off. I didn't buy much but did get some cake decorating items which I've been hankering for. We got to try lots of food, mostly curries and sweet stuff, and lots of booze. I had to stop with the free drinks as I was getting tipsy, Graham just loved it. We got some nice freebies too.

Today at church we were asked as a family to light the first candle of Advent and say a few words, and the little ones in Sunday school got to practice their nativity play. We are beginning to feel a real part of our church now, like an extended family.

Tomatoes and melons

by Paulo Coelho on November 5, 2011

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?
You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

While thinking that I wanted to write in my blog today, I really didn't know where to start. I've had a really weird day, difficult to explain, stressful, but only because I wasn't very good at handling the stress. Then I read the above on Paulo Coelho's blog and it made a lot of sense. I'm not saying that I'm tomato trying to be a melon but I do sometimes try to be supermum when I know I'm not. I'm always pretending to be strong, pretending that everything is going well. I think that's where I come unstuck, some days I'm just not up to my own expectations and today was one of those days. I did the crying, just a little and to myself. It was while Graham was putting the kids to bed because I'd just had enough and wasn't up to it.
I'm feeling a little better now. Maybe tomorrow I can be more proud of myself and what I do achieve instead of getting frustrated about not being what I would like to be.

Letter to My Son

This  I wrote on March 14th 2009.

Dear Son,
I can't believe how fast the years have flown, it's seems just yesterday when I met you for the first time. I was so excited to have you at last. Right from the beginning I knew you were special. You were bright and happy so long as I was around. You couldn't bear to be parted from me, even for one minute. At just nine months old you were walking, nothing would stop you as you reached each milestone quickly and easily. I thought you were so clever how you would arrange all your toys by colour and name all your trains and say what colour they were. Numbers were special to you and I would joke how you would become a mathematician when you grew up.

School was wonderful at first. I always had glowing reports of how clever you were. I would ignore the comments about your more unusual behaviours. When you were six your teacher, who adored you, gave me a number for a child pyschologist. I never called, there was no need, you were my bright little star. You had a couple of friends who you liked to spend most of your time with. You ignored everyone else.

Then as you got older I had to face the truth. It was like no-one understood you. You were likeable enough, but your unusual ways made your peers keep well away, apart from the ones who thought it was fun to tease you and make you angry. You would come home and state that you had anger issues and could I please get you some help. So I did, and we were given a full report and a diagnosis. You have Asperger's Syndrome. All this time the one thing I'd so wanted to avoid was to give you a label, and now that's exactly what had happened.

I soon realised that it was for the best though. Finally people understood and you wasn't just the weird kid anymore. You got help and I got help and both our lives improved. You did well at a new school and at college. I'd always been proud of you but now I was more proud than ever.

Now I see you growing up and I feel we have both grown up so very much. You are such an handsome lad, (well, I would say that I'm your mother) with your big brown eyes and dark hair. At over six feet tall you truly are the epitomy of tall, dark and handsome. Most of all you are caring and loving and I just know that you will find yourself a lovely girl one day and settle down. As for the anger problems, well they went away as soon as I took you away from the bullies, trust you to blame yourself.
We've had a bumpy ride but I'm sure the future will bright for us both.
My love always,
Mum xxx