3 years ago!

3 years ago today I'd been to visit my mum twice in the hospice, the place she didn't want to be. Me and Sim had taken her out of hospital (Against everyones wishes except mum's who's wishes were the only ones that mattered) and taken her home to die, she wanted to die at home. Then within just a day of being home she went downhill so quickly my other brother had her put in a hospice. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing. He was angry at me for taking her out of the hospital. Although shocking, I knew what was happening, mum knew she was going home to die that's why she wanted to go home when she did, she knew she didn't have long left, but my brother believed that taking her out of hospital was what made her go downhill so quickly, he believed that she had much longer left, he was scared that we couldn't look after her at home it would be too difficult. So that's it in a nutshell...and we still haven't really forgiven each other. My worst regret is her not having her last wish of dying at home. No matter how difficult it would have been I know we could have done whatever was needed. It was only for a week in the end.
I still send my brother a xmas card, although I don't get one in return.

I've bought a beautiful angel candle holder for the grave for mum, I've also bought some candles for the rest of my family and will spend some time with them all on Christmas Eve. I will light a candle at home in her memory on Christmas day at 4pm, the time she passed away.
I'm finding this year so hard, last year I had baby Joe to keep me focused, the year before I was pregnant, but this year has been a sad and lonely one, I've wanted to speak to mum so many times. I've missed her so much.
I've found some comfort in my faith. If I'm honest, I only went back to church because I wanted Leila and Joseph Christened, but I've barely missed a week for the last six months. I've found a new, friendly community to be part of, and plenty that has assured and comforted me in times of need.

So now as I approach Christmas, a time of joy and of dread, I have my back-ups in place and my wonderful family to keep me grounded. So even when I feel the only place I want to be is the same place as my mum, there is always something or someone that can hold me back.