Mothers Day

yep I'm late :-)
I don't really like Mother's Day. It makes me feel sad because I no longer have a mother, but it goes back longer because I have also spent five years in the past estranged from my mum. Those were awful times, I missed her so much but felt so let down and deserted by her. Every Mother's Day I would browse the cards in the shops and the sentiments inside them made me feel empty and lost. Then in 2005 I picked up a card with no long poetry or soppy sentiment, it just plainly stated have a lovely day. In it I wrote, 'I miss you mum' and I gave it to my auntie (because I had no idea where my mum was living) Two weeks later I had a letter from mum and then we shared a phone call, and eventually, just a few days before my daughter was born I met up with her at a summer fete.
I'm glad I had those few years making up with mum. Of course losing her was twice as hard, but I think it would have been difficult in a different way if we hadn't made up, and not something I'd like to dwell on. So this year mum got her usual bunch of flowers and we had a chat by her grave side.

As for me, mum of five...well, it feels kind of mean to say it but my family let me know on a daily basis what they think of me so why should I expect anything different on Mother's day? At least the girls made me cards at school. On Mother's day they were oblivious, which I don't mind, they are so young. I suppose when I hear friends speak of their children the same ages having a go at making them breakfast, or choosing flowers with their daddies it stings a little, but not much. The eldest found the day difficult. I think he wanted to get me something but hadn't organised himself enough to do so. He was very out of sorts all day and I got lots of hugs. The eldest daughter said nothing, did nothing. So what! I'm used to it.

I guess the most hurt came from G. I woke him before going to church and he said he was going to get up and do all the housework. Nice thought. I'd been up four hours already, done housework, put washing on, prepared dinner and finished the icing on his mum's cake I had made. We got back from church after a little shopping at 12.30pm. He was still in bed. He got up and went around his mum's by 1pm. He didn't come back until 3pm. I was livid, but said nothing. What's the point? Then he told me how a neighbour had collapsed and he'd called an ambulance and she was so ill he didn't think she was going to make it. I made all the right noises but struggled inside because I couldn't believe him, I just felt it was another of his 'stories' to excuse him being gone so long. All day I felt truly terrible for our neighbour and guilty for thinking that I didn't believe him, not a good feeling, very mixed up I guess you could say. Anyway, the rest of the day passed, just one little outburst from eldest which I was waiting for because I could tell he was worked up.

Today, I saw seriously ill neighbour at the shops. She was fine. Yes she'd had a scare but it turned out to be nothing serious. From our conversation I gathered she'd not see G on Sunday, but I'm not 100% because I didn't ask her outright.

Just another day in my life.

A Plea for a Good Cause

Since writing this my friend has died. Today it's her little boy's 6th birthday and Sunday it would have been her 46th birthday. Some people say that if there was a God then he wouldn't allow this, but I believe that God doesn't make this happen, it's the evil in this world we live in. God helps us fight against these terrible things and our faith is what gives us hope and everlasting life. I've prayed for my friend from the beginning and I now believe that she is safe and free from pain. Yes, it's a heartbreaking loss for those left behind, her family and friends, and she will be missed sorely. It shouldn't happen to anyone, old or young. I believe that death is not the end, it's the victory against the evil we have to face on this earth. God Bless my dear friend and her family.

Pink Ribbon Walk Just Giving Page

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I have a friend I've known online for quite a few years. Shortly after I had Lucy she had a lovely little boy, her first child. The only time I have met her in real life was when our babies where small, but our online friendship has continued, so have the christmas cards and gifts for my babies. She really is a lovely person and doesn't deserve what has happened to her. She found out she had breast cancer  when her little boy was just 8 weeks old. I remember when she posted that she'd found a lump and we all told her to get it checked but not to worry. So many of us had had lumps which had turned out to be nothing sinister. She was not so lucky. It turned out that her breast cancer was metastatic which means it has spread. Through it all she has continued to be kind and caring and never complains of her plight. She is a very brave lady. Cancer is a very cruel disease.
A group of friends are walking the Pink Ribbon walk, 20 miles in honour of this lovely lady. They are hoping to raise £1000 for Breast Cancer Care. If you can please consider making a donation to this truly worthy cause.
Pink Ribbon Walk Just Giving Page
Thank you.

knocking

Isn't it amazing how one action can trigger a memory that affects you so much. Sometimes good, sometimes bad but our minds are incredible machines that keep things locked up so well, stored away until they are needed, or until some trigger sets them off.
Today on the way home from the school run I saw someone knocking on a door, nothing strange about that, but they looked really desperate to get in, they were knocking the door, ringing the bell, banging on the glass, looking like they might lose it completely at any minute. I walked on, there was nothing I could do.
Then it hit me. The last time I was knocking on a door like that, the desperation I felt, I wanted to kick the door in, it was a porch and I'd have another door to face if I managed it. I had to get in, I needed to get in, the person inside needed me, I'd come to help them, I had to  help them, I had to get in.
 The person inside was already dead, I was about 4 hours too late.

Since He Came Home

You may remember my post recently about my eldest boy going to stay with his dad in France for a while. I missed him terribly while he was gone, but he's been a pain since he got back last week. He has come back with a real attitude, in fact, last year when his sister went to stay with their dad for a month she came back with an attitude too. Well, I'm sorry I don't live in the South Of France near the beach, and I'm sorry our home is overcrowded and there are noisy small children around. And I'm sorry I don't cook at 9pm (blimey I'm ready for bed by then) but I have to feed the little ones and I'm not spending all night in the kitchen. All the years I brought them up on my own while their dad enjoyed his own life. All those years working so they could have the things they wanted, and giving up a job I loved because what they really needed was a mum at home, all the fighting with schools and authorities to get them the proper help they needed. All the worry, all the tears, all the sleepless nights. Then after a few weeks with their dad and suddenly I'm not good enough.
OH well, they are adults now, they can go if they are not happy! I'm sure they'd cope just fine without me.
I don't think big son has had  a conversation with me since he got back. He spends most of his time in his room, coming down only for food. He's even been taking his food upstairs because 'he hates eating with the girl's because they make so much mess' (believe me, he can make just as much mess himself, even now!)
Then last night he left the house around 10pm without telling me he was going out. I heard the door shut and had to check is room to discover him gone. He rarely goes out, and never goes anywhere without telling me first. Maybe he's trying to prove he can be independent? I know I can't treat him like a baby, but he really isn't safe to be out alone without me knowing. He was only gone for about 1/2 hour and when he came back he went straight upstairs without seeing anyone. I did go and ask him where he'd been but he told me he had been in his room all night.
Why on earth do we ever want to be parents?