coping?

I hate going to the school. It feels like everyone knows and is looking at me. That's probably not true because I haven't told anyone and I'm pretty sure my friend hasn't. Although Graham has it as knowledge on his FB and there are a few of his friends in the playground. So I stand well back and don't talk to anyone, then when the door opens I rush in grab the kids and go. I usually have Lucy complaining can we walk with Sofie, or Jae, but I just don't want to be talking to their parents :-(

Graham won't leave me alone, he's texting, phoning or coming around. Today he even bought me flowers. He keeps saying he's sorry and it didn't mean anything but this is a lot more than that. Maybe, just maybe if he hadn't played so close to home with someone I see every day then there might be a little forgiveness in me, but not right now. I will forgive him eventually because I totally believe in forgiveness, not forgiving makes you bitter and sad. But forgiving does not mean I have to take him back.

Last night I lay awake in bed for two hours dissecting a day out we had in the holidays where she came along. My imagination probably went into overdrive but they did spend a lot of time together, they had loads of fun and I was the one fussing and looking after the kids. The boring sensible one who wasn't up for smoking a little pot behind the loos. Then on the bus on the way home she sat at the back with two of the girls, Graham was sitting with the pushchair at the front and I was in between with Leila. I looked at him and he was staring towards the back of the bus and I remember how the look in his eyes and face really touched me. Who was he looking at with so much tenderness. He saw me and instantly said he was looking at Lucy. Of course he would say that. I can't argue, I can't prove otherwise, but it's there like a poisonous seed in my mind.

He keeps begging me to take him back but I can't even think of it right now. I'm convinced that just a couple of weeks apart and he won't be begging anymore, he'll be enjoying his freedom too much.