Invisible- I've felt invisible all my life, at home, at school, online, now. I'm the one who lurks in the background and is always remembered at the last minute, if at all. Mostly it doesn't bother me, I don't crave attention all the time. Sometimes I do crave attention though and it feels wrong to do so, like I'm forcing people to notice me.
Mother- one of my greastest joys in my life is being a mother. It's also one of my greatest sadnesses. I love my kids so dearly but often feel as though I'm not doing a very good job. I try to be positive and look at what my kids have done right rather than wrong, but I do feel as though I've let the older ones down. I get told by them that I've let them down and that hurts. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have had any more kids as I'll only ruin their lives too. So much for having the patience of a saint and always, always putting my kids first and foremost above everything. I guess at times even everything is not enough.
Life achievements- as a family person I'm happy that I've spent my life raising my family (despite being unappreciated) I'm happy with my working life, I've enjoyed most of the jobs I've had and gained a lot from all of them. I'm happy with my education, I'd have liked a slightly better grade for my degree as I wanted to go further with my pyschology, but I worked hard for what I have and I'm definately not ashamed.
Regrets - I have a few. I wish I'd travelled more. I've never flown, never left the country, never had a passport even. Also, I've never owned my own home. I did come close once when I exercised my 'right to buy' my council home and had huge plans for home improvement, but then I had to give up my job before it was realised.
Love - is what I lack. I've never felt truly loved. Those I have dared to love have let me down with lies and cheating. No-one has ever completed me, no-one has ever made me feel loved, feel special. Now I feel so cold I don't think I want love anymore anyway.
2 comments:
Anne ~ you are not invisible at all. You are loved and needed despite your family not being terribly good at showing it. Also your mum is still loving and watching over you from where she is.
It is never too late to make life changing decisions and don't settle for second best because we don't get another go at this life.
You know where I am should you ever need an ear. I'm happy to give you my mobile number should you want it.
much LOVE and huge hugs
Sharon xx
Anne, ... I just happened to open up your blog while looking around for something to read, and there you were. 100% NOT invisible. In fact, I could almost see you though the page. Your words and comments are as real as you are. So don't get down, we may not be known by everyone but as long as we let those who do know us, know that we care. That's all that I think matters.
Good luck with it! I myself and going to take my own advice and try to do that as well.
p.s.: I think mother is OKASAN in Japanese. (A not E)
And I'm one of them, too! An Okasan in Japan that is!
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