I Quit!

Today I handed in my notice and told the family they needed to find a new cook, cleaner and childminder. Had they upset me? No, not really, not more than usual anyway. It's just that I felt that I'm no good at my job anymore. I keep getting things wrong, forgetting things, messing up, making mistakes. I put peas on Craige's dinner and he hates peas. That's what made me quit!
Sometimes I seriously think I'm losing my marbles. I forget things so easily, it's a house of seven, with everyone having different needs and it seems like I'm the only one who can provide for them. As well as my regular jobs (Above) I also have jobs on the side. I decorate, repair, replace batteries, do the finances, arrange the entertainment, deal with the callers etc etc etc. My work is never ending.
I chill out by blogging and playing irritating flash games on Facebook which I'm not mentioning in case it comes up in a google search and someone finds this post.
Even my cake making is suffering. I made a lovely Spiderman cake last week for the sister of a niece-in-law. The cake came out really good despite my having to colour the icing red and I hate colouring icing red. Then I added the name and age, and even though I had the text on my phone at my side I got one letter of the name wrong. I was devestated when they came to pick it up. It was easily remedied (thankfully the name was on the cake board not the cake) but I still can't believe I made the mistake.
Maybe I'm being daft, maybe I'm going senile? I don't know but something has to give and at the moment it's my job. So they've got two weeks to replace me!

Caring

He was talking about the people he cared for. I said, 'do you care for me?'
He blushed and became tongue tied, I've never seen him like that before.
So I said, 'come on, you must do, I care for you. You are my mate, my buddy, I think of you loads, I worry about you and I like being with you.'
He said 'I'm here aren't I?'
I guess that will have to do.

April Catch up

Sorry blog, I keep leaving you until the last minute.
April has had it's ups and downs, but although the down was pretty low (I lost another house that I wanted) the ups have been really good.

Cassie is finally getting the treatment that should work for her, she's just gone to her second session so still early but I have big hopes.

Joseph has been toilet trained and it was relatively easy. He's a clever boy.
On the down side he had a nasty fall and hit his head, we had to call an ambulance but decided against hospital for observation. I was ok with observing him myself and the ambulance stayed with us for 45 mins.

The last weekend I've just spent in Nottingham with some lovely friends. I was really nervous leaving the kids , I knew they would be safe, I just worried about them missing me (And me missing them) All was well though and I had a great time. Lots of food and squalking, walking and talking and even a fair bit of drinking :-) We were really lucky with the weather, it was so warm and sunny, best day of the year so far.

Counting my Blessings for March

Despite March being a difficult month I've also had good moments.
I had a trip to London with the Little Man and Cassie because we were invited to a press party for children's shoes. Joseph had a turn on the catwalk and was absolutely adorable. I felt so proud of him and he was so well behaved all day.
Also, we heard that we are going to Legoland in June as part of a treat for getting to the finals of the blog awards.

Darkness Descending.

I'm  struggling at the moment. After being on a high for so long it's horrible to think that the dark cloud is trying to reappear. I really don't want it and am fighting it all the way. Will I win? It's always got me before, but I've still got so much good going on and to look forward too. Surely that will help me keep it at bay?

I hate the voices in my head, the negativity, the despair. Why bother, why continue, what is the point of everything?. Wouldn't everyone be better off if I just went away and never came back? I am hounded on a daily basis and kept awake at night. In the meantime I try to carry on like nothing is wrong and I'm pretty good at that, except that it makes me highly strung, so don't cross me!

 I still wish I could go away somewhere peaceful, somewhere where I could be with my little ones without anyone interfering. I would be so less stressed out all the time. I can cope with demanding little people, it's demanding adults I can't cope with. Even if I had the opportunity my guilt at leaving the others behind would eat me up.

They say if someone is making your life miserable then get them out of your life. It's not that easy. I would feel so guilty, I doubt that removing them from my life would make me feel any better.

I guess I don't have a backbone?

Why no moany posts?

So I've not had a good grumble on here for ages. It doesn't mean that my life has improved beyond grumbling, it's just that lately I've been on a bit of a high, I'm not sure why and it does feel pretty alien but it is stopping me from complaining. It could be that I have a lot to look forward too. I have a party and a night out with friends in April, a blog summit and night out in May, a holiday to Center Parcs (somewhere I've always wanted to go) in June and also in June a trip to Legoland. Then hopefully it will be summertime and then I have all the kids birthdays to plan, Leila is having a party at home, Joseph is having his birthday in Southport and Lucy is having a Build-A-Bear party. So much to keep my mind occupied and  not stressing about the little things.

Other than that nothing has changed. Graham is still much more in love with his PS3 than me, Cassie is still swinging from one mood to another and keeping us on the eggshells and Craige has been really poorly, which means a revert to childhood and much mummy pampering required day and night. The arguments continue, the constant bickering and bad moods, but everything just floats past me now, I'm not losing sleep.

Over the past couple of months I've had extreme money worries but I've taken it all in hand and everything is now sorted and I'm much more comfortable financially that I have been for ages. Ok, we're not well off but we are now living within our means, particularly by not owning a car! Also I had some good news about Craige's benefits, I really thought that with these new assessments he would lose his money in April, but I've been informed that he's not on the list for the reforms until 2015, so that's two years before I need to worry about that again, who knows what can happen in that time. He does claim JSA but is always getting sanctioned and rarely gets paid. He can't do what they ask of him with regards to working in shops, going to group meetings etc. He does however need to be claiming so that he doesn't have to pay the full amount for his course fees.

so there you have it, I'm happy for now anyway and no amount of emotional abuse is going to get me down while I'm feeling like this.

I made it to the finals!!!

Thursday evening I saw a tweet from the MAD blog awards saying the finalists were live on the site. I ignored it. I wanted to go on dreaming a little longer and I was convinced they were going to be announced on Friday. Then I saw the congratulatory tweets to those on the list and I just couldn't resist. Hopefully some of my friends would be on there. I scrolled down reading through familiar and unfamiliar blogs and then I couldn't believe my eyes. There was my blog just sitting there in the School days category. I went back to Twitter, not sure what to do, I was shaking and crying. I really couldn't believe it and went back for another look. yep it was still there. I had to take a screen shot just in case it disappeared.  Then I received a couple of congratulatory tweets, so it had to be true if other people could see my blog there too! I poured myself a nice glass of wine to celebrate.

BTW, it's not this blog that has made the finals but my other one. I've not even posted about it on there yet!