PS3 Widow

We had that argument again, the one where he goes 'I never get to spend any time on the PS3' and I go, 'Well, you never DO anything else'
Let's see, he'll get up around lunch time and while I'm making him a coffee he'll switch on his PS3. An hour or so later he turns it off and goes around his mum's  for a smoke. Then he'll come back and the PS3 is back on again. If I'm going out shopping he may come with me, but more often now I'm leaving him at home with his precious toy.
He comes with me to pick the kids up from school and when we get back the PS3 goes back on for an hour. Then he goes around his mum's until tea time.
After tea he does tend to help out with the kids baths and bedtime routine. Then he'll watch Eastenders with me if it's on. Then he's back around his mums until I'm ready for bed (or even in bed) then he puts his PS3 on until 3 or 4 am.
So why does he think he never goes on?
To my reckoning he's on it 7-8 hours a day!
Isn't that enough?

I started decorating last November (when he had his job that lasted 7 weeks)
I painted all the doors and woodwork, painted the ceiling, stripped the wallpaper, put up the new wallpaper, then I got sick. Then it was Christmas. The wallpaper still needed painting. As he was no longer working I thought he would help. I don't know why. It's taken me a long time as it's not something I can do with the kids around, but I've now finished the painting. He did half of one wall.

If he hadn't been playing his PS3 all night he could have painted and had it done while me and the kids slept. I did suggest it on several occasions. But I guess the PS3 is more important.

I said to him during 'that' argument, 'why don't you get yourself a little flat and then you can live on your PS3 day and night without any bother'
he said it sounded like a good idea.
I felt hopeful for a couple of minutes.

Award

This is for my blessings page, good things that happen throughout the year that I can look back on and know that it's not all been bad.

This week I won an award for my Cake Blog. Nothing too impressive, just a little recognition. I joined in with a linky and out of over 300 blogs, just 20 were chosen for the award and mine was one.
Well, it made me smile for a while :-)

Counting My Blessings

Things to be happy about so far this year.

1. I heard that a very good friend is getting married next year, that's really exciting, but also, she wants me to make her cake!!

2. I had two lovely nights out with friends...in 1 week!

Count Your Blessings

All over the 'net' I'm finding people posting about their 'count your blessings' jar that they are going to do this year. The idea is that you find a jar and each time you are blessed with something good, a nice comment, a fun day out, a reward or treat etc. you write it down on a piece of paper and stick it in the jar. Then at the end of the year you get all the pieces of paper out to remind you how blessed you truly are.

So I've had an idea. On this blog I mostly moan and complain, I do it deliberately, it's my place to let it all out, especially as I can't really do it anywhere else. However, it would be good to include some snippets of
nice things, my blessings. So I'm going to put them here and at the top put a link to them altogether. Then come the end of the year I can take a look back and no that it wasn't all that bad.

Making Do...

I've never had plenty of money, a really nice home, a nice car, holidays abroad, a wardrobe full of nice clothes...you know all the material things most people crave. I've got this far without them it just doesn't bother me anymore. I make do with what I have and am happy (well, mostly)

I have my kids, they are my life and I love them to bits and wouldn't be without them. I always feel blessed to have them and know that things would be 100 times worse without them.

But there is one thing I miss that I've always wanted.... a soul mate. Someone who truly understands and loves me. My love life has been a disaster zone.

My first husband was on the scene when I was just 16. I adored him but he was domineering and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do when younger. He convinced me that all we had to do was have fun. He wasn't that keen on having kids either but thank goodness he didn't deny me. He did say that having kids changed me and made me boring. He also had trouble accepting that I wanted to be educated and even though I left it late he wasn't happy about me doing my degree. He had an affair just after our daughter was born. I took him back and forgave him but things were never the same. He eventually walked out on us.

During my single parent years I focused more on the kids than relationships. I met one guy I really liked but on the first date he said he wasn't really looking for a mum as he'd never wanted kids. Good start eh! We had a few weeks of dating and then I dumped him...he was shocked! I guess he just didn't get it that I wasn't going to abandon being a mother for him. Then I met another guy at work. He was 10 years older than me, bald and fat, but he was very attentive and helped me through a difficult time with my eldest son. We spent a year together but one night, out of the blue, we just both decided that we didn't really have anything going for us and called it a day. I wasn't even upset.

Then I met my current partner when he rescued my kittens from a neighbours tree. Things were really good for the first year or so and we decided to have a baby together. I found it difficult getting pregnant but eventually did. It wasn't a strain, our relationship felt strong and he was always doting. Looking back a couple of strange things happened but I didn't think much into them then as we seemed so happy. After the baby was born I thought we were closer than ever, but then he started staying up late on his laptop every night. (he was working part-time) I got suspicious and found he'd been having an online affair. I threw him out but he convinced me it was all fantasy and never meant anything and that he'd never met her or would meet her. I forgave him and took him back, I was already pregnant with our second baby. Then after the next baby, which was unplanned I thought we'd got back to normal and were happy. We had a boy after two girls and he was chuffed to bits. We had to the two smallest christened together and the day after the christening I found out that he'd come on to my friend. He'd offered to go around her house after I had gone to bed. I threw him out again.
After  a few weeks of constant pleading he wormed his way back in. I don't know if I did the right thing for me, but I did for the kids.

I've felt lonely ever since. I have forgiven him and I have never thrown it in his face. But I can't forget. I can't forget how easily he was willing to risk everything. I look back to the past and wonder if he's ever been truly faithful to me. There have been other instances of text messages and online messages. Nothing bad enough for me to get really upset but I've asked him to stop talking to a couple of people. So now we are still together, and he still tells me every day that he loves me, but I can't truly believe him. Would you give someone you truly loved a box of biscuits for Christmas? Would you forget your loved ones birthday? I know men are supposed to forget these things, but along with everyone else it just smarts.

So here I am making do, not only with the material things in life, but with love as well. All I want is someone who loves me. All I want is my soul mate. As I get older I realise that it's just not going to be something that I have.

I know how my older kids suffered when I split from their dad. I tried my best to make things ok for them and I've never fought with their dad, but they still hurt that he could abandon us, and they still blamed me for not making him stay. I can't do that with my young ones, they love their daddy and daddy loves them. I know if I try to make him leave it will be messy and I can't put them through that. So I carry on each day, making do.

Christmas 2012

The World didn't end on December 21st as many people believed the Mayan calander predicted. Just thought I'd point that out in case you hadn't noticed.
So on to Christmas. I've been ill for weeks now, some virus that I just can't shift. As well as coughing non-stop, so much that I'm feeling constantly dizzy and out of breath, I've had sickness, diarrhoea and constant headaches, temperature and aches and pains. It's been bloody miserable but I've tried really hard not to show just how bad I've been feeling. I've carried on regardless, going to bed at the same time as the kids to try and reserve some energy, make myself feel better. I went to the GP, he was useless. I'm not the only one that's been sick either, we've all had it at some point. The big kids were lucky and recovered pretty quick, so did Lucy. Leila was not so lucky and missed so much of her Christmas at school. Although she was well again for Christmas. Poor Joseph keeps going with the sickness and diarrhoea, which I think is keeping me going, we can't seem to break the cycle.

The run up to Christmas was no fun, I couldn't enjoy shopping, the kids missed loads of school, I missed plays and concerts, we had no excitement build up. Even the wrapping of presents which is usually done with a couple of drinks and some Christmas music was done instead with hot sweats and visits to the loo. I don't know how I managed it.

Then along came Christmas day. I was a little disappointed in the lack of presents. I'd been determined to do Christmas with no debt and I did, but even though I thought I'd done well, there didn't really seem to be much at all. The kids don't really get presents of anyone else either, just a small gift off my brother and sister-in-law and some off their nan. The kids didn't complain though, they were happy. And to be honest I think they were good choices, They have stuff that will keep them happy for a long time with lots of play value.
My presents on the other hand were dismal. Graham had bought me a box of chocolates, or so he thought, they were actually a box of chocolate biscuits. The big kids didn't buy me anything. I had a sandwich toaster off Graham's mum, a mug off my brother, a pretty bangle and handkerchief off my Secret Santa and a couple of £1 boxes of sweets from two of my Avon customers. I don't normally complain about my presents, after all it's about the giving not the receiving, but well, it does make you think how much you are thought of!

My mood wasn't good. I was thinking a lot about my mum, I'd also just heard that an online friend had passed away leaving behind three small children. Then you get to thinking about those poor families missing members killed in the school shooting and the fire fighters killed in NY, and those poor children in the crash on the M6, see where I'm going? It's easy to spiral down when your thoughts lead you this way. I didn't show my misery though, I kept going, kept busy and by the end of the day I was feeling much better.

So, on to the positives. We didn't get up until 7am, not bad at all really. Not one single moan or argument all day, from anyone, honestly! It was a blissfully happy family home. Craige spent lots of time playing with the girls, yes, he even played their Barbie shopping board game with them!! I think all the adults had a play with the lego too :-) The afternoon was spent playing on Craige's new WiiU, Nintendoland was loads of fun with five players. There was a lot of laughter.

Dinner was lovely even if I do say so myself. The turkey was moist and full of flavour, everything was cooked perfectly, no-one complained and there were lots of empty plates. My only gripe was that they wanted it late so we had dinner at 5pm. I'd have liked it earlier, but in the end it worked out well.

Graham went around his mum's four times during the day, but I didn't mind. He took all the kids around one time, I would have gone too, but you don't feel very sociable when you're not feeling well. He also took Joseph and Leila around a second time which gave me a bit of a break.

Just before bedtime I sneaked upstairs and covered the girls bunk beds with the fairy lights I'd bought them. They looked really lovely and they had a real surprise when they went to bed. They are actually 'fairy' lights, beautiful white and pink fairies on a clear plastic wire.

I have to say that despite my illness and low mood, they day went well and everyone was happy.
Merry Christmas!

My dream for next year is to be in a new home, fingers crossed x

Jobs and Sickness and Houses and Stuff

So just a few weeks ago things were going along ok, we had more money coming in and I've managed to pay for Christmas without any debt and was looking forward to being able to afford a car in the new year. My daughter had a few slips but back on the medications she was brightening up a little and we even had a couple of days out together. We had the good news that we'd moved to the top of the waiting list for a new home, currently we are a family of seven in three bedrooms. I was arguing less with my partner (mostly because I never saw him!)
Now everything is falling apart again. The job has gone after 7 short weeks. He failed the medical on his hearing test. They told him no re-test (he had a nasty cold at the time and I think it may have affected his results) and just let him go, no notice or anything. Then he said that there may be a re-test in the New Year and that he'd been suspended not sacked. I don't know what to believe. I've not actually shown any emotion over this yet.
Then today I get a call about looking at another house but there is a problem. This is a joint tenancy with my ex husband and they can't do anything without his go ahead. My ex left in 1997, I told them about it. I filled in several forms, I went to the offices and spoke to someone face to face, I got my ex to fill in forms, make phone calls, write letters. I sent off a copy of my divorce papers. I had my current partner put down as a resident. But still they insist that my ex is a joint tenant. Bloody ridiculous!
The last two weeks have been a nightmare health wise, I've suffered migraine after migraine, at one point so bad that even my migraine tablets didn't take the edge off the pain. I've also had a really bad chest which has kept me awake at night. I've coughed so much my throat and stomach are sore and each cough is almost unbearable now. Then the girls got sick, some virus. They haven't had any symptoms as such just really high temperatures and the inability to actually move, they just lay around for four or five days. The GP said they were ok, just a virus, keep giving them paracetamol. Yeah, ok, this is the same GP who gave my little girl cough linctus on the day she was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. \I'm on anti-biotics now to clear up my chest. The girls are back at school, still looking rough but struggling along bless them.