Simeon's Inquest

It was Saturday 3rd January 2009, the day after mum's birthday, 2 days before her funeral and 8 days after she passed away. Sim broke the little window above his bedroom door. He made a noose from the purpose bought tow rope and through it through the hole. He stood on a chair, put the noose around his neck and then kicked the chair away. It took 20 to 30 seconds for him to die.
He had taken no drugs, he had drank no alcohol, he was just depressed and determined to end his own life.
He had friends and family that were willing to support him through such a difficult time, he had people who cared. The people he worked with thought very highly of him and showed every concern. Yet he couldn't see a way forward, he couldn't see a future for himself.

It's hard to understand but even though I'd not had much to do with Sim for the last 10 years I do feel that I knew him better than most. He had problems that were often hidden from others, or if observed most certainly misunderstood. His problems were never acknowledged properly, they were not spoken about. I know that he relied only on mum, she was the only one he could trust. It's all very complicated and I carry the old family tradition by refusing to talk freely about it all, but I did try to convince them that he needed professional help years ago. Then things happened and I was pushed out of the family for a long time. When I was re-united I never felt it was my place to mention the problems again. To be honest, I couldn't talk about them. Just as I can't talk about them now.

Simeon took his own life because he couldn't live without mum, he believed she was the only person who understood him, who could help him live with his problems. In his mixed up mind he had to do what he did, he had no choice.

When someone dies like this you have all these thoughts in your mind. My nephew was hoping that he was inebriated in some way. He was the one who had found him and cut him down and he had been so traumatized he just wanted to know that it had been relatively painless. He had even convinced himself that death had been instant and that the fall had broken his neck. In my mind I was hoping he was right, so it does come as a shock when you find out that he was not drugged or drunk, he felt everything for the whole 20-30 seconds.

20-30 seconds is not a long time is it? Or is it? I've been punishing my mind by thinking in terms of 20-30 seconds all day. It can feel like an incredibly long time.

Just before his death Sim confessed to me that he believed he may have cancer, maybe it was something he feared. He did not have cancer, he was quite healthy apart from a slight thickening of the arteries from his occasional smoking and poor diet.

They time his death around 10-11am. That was a relief to me because I worried that I may have been able to help if I'd done something sooner. But I didn't realise there was something wrong until at least 5 hours later, so my delay in raising the alarm would not have made any difference. I can scrub that guilt.

Sim's last text to me was the night before he died: I've ordered a curry but I still miss mum.

He never ate that curry.

My last text to Sim: Where are you? Why won't you answer your phone?

Answer: because he was swinging from his bedroom door frame

Learning Curve

Ok, there was an incident yesterday which made me realise that I am on a learning curve. At first I thought it was just a case of foot in mouth disease, but after a restless night, and a few tears, I realised what was really going on.
It is so true that we are learning all our life, when you hit your 40's you think you have life sussed, especially the emotional side, but there is always something new just around the corner.
I'm not going to mention said incident, I don't think it's relevent.

Recently I've found myself drawn to other people who are down, depressed, miserable, fighting their own battles. I thought it was because I needed to be in touch with people who felt the same, or at least something similar to how I am feeling. I thought that it would bring us all strength in some silent uniting of sorrow. A nice idea, but I haven't been very aultrustic. I have been selfish and I haven't given much to anyone.

So that is my aim now. Even though I feel I am still suffering I need to learn that I am but only one person in a world of suffering. Maybe I'm not in a position to offer to support to others just yet, I need to grow stronger. But in the meantime I'm going to keep my foot firmly out of my mouth.

Oh Crap!

I thought I was turning a corner. I thought things were improving. The other day I even thought about mum without wanting to cry. Time was doing it's healing thing.
Then, knocked back by feeling poorly, yesterday I felt myself sinking again. Chatting with Graham he pointed out that he thought I needed help. No shit.
I do need to talk, but I don't know who too. I have friends, some close, some not so close as they are internet friends but I've known them for years and they've offered to listen. I have an abundance of telephone numbers to call but I don't know where to start, I don't know what to say. I have family, but because of the past it makes it difficult to talk to them. I can't talk to Graham because he just worries. And I don't want to talk to a stranger. So WHO do I talk to?

Then last night, just to tip the balance, hey Anne's feeling down lets give her another lapful of stress to deal with, I get a call of my brother.
Apparently he's been sent a letter demanding payment for a debt of mum's. I told him mum didn't have any debts. She had nothing at all on credit and her bills were paid by direct debit, apart from a couple which I paid for her when I picked up her pension. But then he said, 'well, everything was left to you so I'm not paying it!' AAARRRRRRGGGHHH Why do death's bring out the worst in people? Yes, everything was left to me, but not until said brother had been in and taken everything of any value. (ok I managed to get the pc and the car back!) BUT he had control over mum's bank account. He doesn't realise I know exactly how much was in that bank account, how much was spent on the funeral and how much was left over. And it was a goddam site more than I got for the sale of anything left in the house. I can still see mum in her hospital bed showing me her latest statement and telling me exactly what she wanted doing with the money. I told her then that it would be down to 'him' in the end and if she wanted anything else she'd have to write it down. I dont' know if she did, she went downhill incredibly fast after that. I really don't care about the money but it makes me sad it wasn't spent in the way she wanted.

Ok, back to the present. I called said 'debt collector' this morning on behalf of my brother and they immediately started apologising, the letter should not have been sent, the debt was non-existant. I KNEW that, but it didn't stop me worrying about it all night long.

And now it's drawn another rift between me and my brother. I love him, but he's an ass when it comes to anything money related.

Thanks Kids!

My little darlings are all better but now mummy is sick :(
It's only a cold but I am feeling sorry for myself. It looks like I am doomed to never sleep through the night ever again.

Lucy went back to nursery today, bless her she was so excited. She only has a week and then it's two weeks off. I'm going to plan lots of 'cheap' activites for the holidays, I really don't want to be stuck around here.

Something Lighter

When Lucy, 3yrs, has finished dinner she takes her plate, empties the leftovers in the bin and puts it in the sink.
When Leila, 20 months, finishes dinner she empties her leftovers on the table and throws her plate in the bin ~(or sometimes the sink)

Poorly Kids on the Mend

It's not been a good week. I took the girls to the dr on Monday who said they had bronchitis. Ahh so that's why they were coughing all night long. So sleep has been scarce and the girls have been housebound and miserable, and I've been pretty miserable too.
Today was a little better though. I managed to get some sleep last night, albiet with the little one in bed with me all night. They were much brighter today so I decided to take them to playgroup for an hour. They really loved it and came home covered in paint and soaking wet!
I'm hoping that maybe they will sleep again tonight and I can start functioning properly (as if I ever did in the first place!)
This weekend Graham has promised to sort out the toy room for me. I won't hold my breath as the promise has been standing since December, but fingers crossed. If he doesn't then I might just cart the kids off to their nan's and do it myself. There's nothing I can't manage myself, I lived without a man for 7 years so I can do most things, it's just not easy doing anything with two demanding toddlers under your feet.
Anyway, eitherway, on Monday I'm going to report that toy room is finished, painted carpeted and toys put away. Watch this space!

P.s. I've been tweeking my blog, adding this and that. I was going to change the skin but couldn't find one I liked better than this sickly salmon pink. I 'll ask the big daughter if she can do anything about it.

Mothers Day

Today has not been a good day for lots of reasons, but mostly because my mum is not here. I miss her so much there are no words strong enough to explain the pain. I took some flowers to the cemetery and saw her grave stone complete with engraving for the first time. It makes it more real now, I have to accept that she's gone.

As for the rest of my day, well to be honest I'd rather not say. There was a lot of crap and some nice bits but now none of it seems to matter. I had time out today. I took the girls to the woods and we had a walk around. Not quite as warm as it has been lately, but still nice enough. Sadly we found a dead badger which frightened Lucy, but it also made me realise that she doesn't understand death. She still thought it would bite her even though I'd told her it was dead and it was not moving at all.

I've just been reading Cassie's Live Journal, (yes she knows, she had to add me as a friend, but if there is anything she doesn't want me to see she only has to tick a box) Strange it may seem but it's a good way to communicate, you can be a lot more honest and open when writing things down. (Any blogger would know that) I do talk to Cassie, some days she's more open to talking than others but she knows she can talk to me anytime. Anyway, I digress, back to the LJ entry, she said some really nice things about me and made me see that she does appreciate all that I do for her. She did a little tribute to me as it was Mothers Day.

I know that Craige cares too, I've had 3 hugs today!!

To me Mothers Day is about showing your mother how much you care and you don't need to buy gifts or cards or flowers for that.

I think a lot of mum's feel under-appreciated anyway, it can be a pretty thankless job. So when a day comes along that is meant to celebrate mums, it's easy to get upset when you are not showered with nice things, or have things done for you. It's even harder to bear when you hear of other mums getting gifts, going out for a meal, having everything done for them while they put their feet up etc. But in reality it's just one day a year, tomorrow it won't matter.

So, tomorrow is another day. Another day I have to go on without my mum and another day I have to continue my thankless day as a hard working mother. But another day I have to enjoy the delights that my children bring into my life continuously.

So roll on tomorrow, it'll probably feel like a long time coming as my precious ones keep me awake all night :)