Date for the funeral

Mum's funeral is on Monday 5th January at 10am.
It would have been her birthday on Friday :(

Mixed Up

Had a call from my younger brother at about 11.30pm last night, I'd already been in bed an hour, he wanted me to go and sit with him for a while. Mum's guinea pig, Patch, died yesterday and I think everything just got too much for him. I didn't go, i asked Gray to talk to him for a while, which he did under protest.
I'm going to see him in a while to sort out wether he can stay on in the house and help him sort out bills and stuff. He's never done anything like that before as he's always lived with mum. There is no-one else at all who is willing to help him. Now mum has gone he has no-one, not one other member of the family wants anything to do with him and in all honesty I shouldn't either. He did some dreadful things 10 years ago that blasted our entire family apart. Mum was the only person who stood by him, which meant cutting off the rest of the family.
Now my dilemma, I know there is no-one else 'soft' enough to help him. I know that mum would never forgive any of us if he wasn't helped and that was one of her greatest worries. But I feel like I am betraying my family by helping him. Deep down he's still my little brother, he needs help and I hate to think of him in this situation alone. But what he did was so unforgivable, and I can't stop feeling like a traitor. Oh Help! I'm so confused.
Graham has supported me up until now but today he turned around and said he doesn't agree with me helping him but he knows I will no matter what.
I wish I knew what to do, what to feel, what to think.

One Of Those Days

I'm having one of those days when I would have liked to have stayed in bed, or even curl up on the settee with my duvet all day. In reality, I was up before sunrise with the little ones, spent the first half hour cleaning up after the other adults in the house that had only been in bed an hour. Then realised that it was just me and the little ones for at least the next 6 hours. No chance of any peace and quiet then.
Don't get me wrong, I love my little girls and even 1 hour apart makes me miss them like crazy, but sometimes it would be nice to just relax for a while, put myself first without having to deal with them.
So here I am nearly 8 hours later. Loads of washing and ironing done, housework done, girls have had breakfast and lunch and been entertained/cleaned/dressed/cared for. I've just taken 5 mins to myself to write this with Leila pulling on me to climb up and Lucy is playing with her new piano seeing how loud she can get the feedback to screech down my ears.
Suppose I'd better get on with the cooking then!
Oh well, at least I can look forward to an early night. Soon as the girls are settled I can go to bed.

I can't write mum's eulogy. I've thought about it constantly since yesterday. I've even read a guide, but I just can't find the right words. :(

Aftermath

Not really sure how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes I feel a kind of peace inside. Looking back it's all happened so quickly. I'm trying to focus on the good times we had rather than the plans we'd made. I'm keeping watch on my younger brother, he's all alone now and has threatened to end it all. I went yesterday and stripped the house of pills (and there were loads because all mum's meds were there). I left him with his bottle of Jack Daniels, It may help a little short term.
Spoke to my older brother today and he was all business like, getting the funeral plans in order and stuff. Good job he's doing it, I couldn't. He's asked me to write something for the vicar to say. That will be hard.
For past couple of weeks all I've done is waited for that call to say that mum had gone, now she has I've stopped feeling so jittery and have a sense of calm. I still see her lying on the bed in the hospice. But that is not how I want to remember her so I'm hoping that image will fade in time, I have plenty of other memories to call upon.
I think the worst thing at the moment is the desperate need I have to talk to her. I just so want to pick up the phone and chat.

Merry Christmas

Rest in peace, Joyce Margaret Baylis.
I love you mum and will miss you always.
This is certainly one christmas day I will never ever forget.

Angry

Today I'm feeling angry.
I'm angry at the first hospital for not helping mum because they had no beds.
I'm angry at the second hospital that didnt' really have a clue what to do, they even admitted they had no expertise.
I'm angry at the drs who can't get her medication right. I'm convinced with the right meds and the right dosage she would be much more responsive.
I'm angry at my older brother who has taken it on himself to make all the decisions about mum without consulting anyone else. I was happy to let him take over at first but it angers me that he keeps going against what she wants.
And I'm angry at God for allowing this to happen to my mum when I prayed night after night for her not to be taken away from me just yet.
And with the anger comes more tears, just when I thought I'd dried up for a while.

Tired and Fed Up

Didn't spend much time with mum today. I was late going and Cassie insisted on coming saying she would sit in the car. I thought it was strange but then Cassie hasn't been herself recently (she did go to the gp today though and has her medication back.) So I left Cassie in the car and went in. Mum was asleep and my younger brother was there. He explained that they were going to try changing her medication because it was too much and it was keeping her zoned out, but they have to get the right dosage as they don't want her to be in pain. Mum then woke and wasn't very happy, she said she was tired and fed up.
I gave her a hug and then when I looked around Cassie was standing there.
Straight after Cassie came my brother and sil. They wanted to put a bed jacket on mum as her arms were cold but she told us no, she was ok. She said we should all go home now and give her some peace and quiet. I don't think she's used to so much company, she would spend hours and hours at home alone.
I was already feeling uncomfortable having Cassie and my brother in the same room so I said my goodbye's and left.
I've decided that for the next two days it will be better to make my visits early. It will help with everything I have to fit in, and it seems quieter there in the morning and I prefer being on my own with mum.

I did spend some time out at my friend Deb's house today. It was really nice to chill for a while and Lucy and Leila had fun with their friends.
Tomorrow I have to fit in a visit to my aunties along with a little last minute perishable's shopping, and Wednesday I have to take my son Craig Christmas shopping. He's only going to two shops though and knows what he wants to buy. Then I have a friend coming round, and I think my eldest brother and sil if she feels up to it.
I didn't think mum would make it to christmas day when she was so terribly ill last week, but now I think she will. I have her present, did all my present shopping ages ago and I made her a hamper of all the things she loves. Most of it, well all of it, is useless to her now but I'm still going to give it to her. I'm thinking that if she still gets all her presents then it will help her feel more normal at least for a while.