Where does the time go?

I'm now almost 30 weeks pregnant, how did that happen? I can't believe how quick it's gone, I'm expecting the last 10 weeks to drag by, but to be honest, I have a feeling this baby is going to make an early appearance. He keeps giving me little frights which are all logged on my pregnancy journal.

Well, mood wise, I'm still a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There is too much going on in my head to even think of what I'm actually feeling, it's no wonder I'm so confused. Most of the time though I'm just focusing on my lovely children and getting by, and of course I'm looking forward to meeting my little man, I just hope it's not too soon.

We went to the Baby Show at the weekend, it was a long and tiring day but it went well. I was shattered when we got back,  I sent Graham to the chip shop, watched Dr Who and went to bed with the girls.

Then on Monday I had to take my car (Vicky the V reg Vauxhall Vectra) for her MOT and lo and behold she passed!!! I'd already tapped my son for £300 and was praying it wouldn't cost any more. So for once I had reason to celebrate. And I rewarded Vicky with a good clean, that's the least she deserves. Who would have thought that my brother's last gift to me would keep going without any trouble for so long.

So that's my news for now. If I had decided to write this blog post this morning it probably would have turned out very different as I was in a foul mood, but right now I can hear my bed calling and the longing for sleep overpowers the mood swings.

Slowly Bouncing Back

I'm still feeling pretty hormonal but I seem to be shifting that dark cloud that took over me last week.
I have a busy day today and already I'm feeling tired. I didn't get much sleep last night as Leila had an earache and kept waking up. I'm tiolet training her again at the mo. She was doing great before we went on holiday but it all went wrong while we were away. Firstly there was the train journey, I thought she would be ok as, although it was a long journey, there were tiolets. I took her to the toilet soon after the train started and she seemed quite happy to use it, then during the next two hours she wet herself twice and poo'd herself just 10 mins before we were due to get off. She got off the train in a nappy and a t-shirt. I was really stressed. Once in the caravan she showed interest in the tiolet but soon wet herself. So by the end of the second day I was fast running out of clothes for her so I bought some nappies. When we got back home things didn't get any better, she was point blank refusing to use the toilet. As I was already feeling down I left her for a week in nappies, but now we are starting again from scratch.

Yesterday I went and picked up a rocking crib for the new baby. It was bigger than I expected so we had to rearrange the bedroom. So now I have a constant reminder that there will soon be another family member.

Next week it's the Baby Show. I managed to get some free tickets and I've just got my Health in Pregnancy grant through, so it will be time to get the rest of the stuff for the baby. Although I'm thinking the pram/pushchair will have to wait a little longer.

Money is a big worry at the moment. Not only is Graham still out of work, but Cassie has now had her Jobseekers allowence suspended. They said she wasn't trying hard enough to find a job? She only sends off 3 to 5 job applications a week, what do they want her to do? I wish they would actually help her find a job, she does want to work so desperately, and I think it would do her good. Now she's stuck with no money and course fees of £135 per month to pay. I'm struggling to keep her for nothing, so there is no way I can afford her course fees as well. What a nightmare. Please everyone cross your fingers she gets a job soon.

BTW, she's only been claiming Jobseekers 3 months, she's not a scrounger.

Big Dipper!

Well the last post was a roller coaster ride, now I'm on the big dipper and right in the dip.
The holiday was great, we had some lovely weather at the beginning of the week and stayed a few extra days despite the weather turning not so good. We had a really relaxing time and it was a real stress buster for me.
I haven't come home feeling relaxed though. I seem to be more stressed than ever and I'm not coping too well at all. Everything is just too much for me at the moment and with just over 13 weeks to go until Joseph's arrival I'm getting really panicky, when I believe I should be getting excited.
I'm sure I'll be on my way up again soon though, I have to be, I'm like a rubber ball, I keep bouncing back.

Hormonal Roller Coaster

I'm up and down like a yo yo lately. I guess it's to be expected with the hormones running amok.
I'm really happy because I had a really good consultant appointment on Monday and it looks like all is going to be well with little man Joseph and me. I'm gettin excited now and can't wait to meet him. I'm a bit worried that I've not bought much, but there is plenty of time yet and I wanted to have a good spend at the BabyShow in May.

Also, I'm happy because it's getting closer to our holiday and I can't wait to just get away for a few days. I don't mind if it rains, I just want a change of scenery and pace. I'm already thinking I don't want to come home and I've not even gone yet.

I guess that brings us on to the bad. Everything just seems to go wrong at home. I can't make our income stretch enough, the house feels over crowded and I'm just fed up of everyone else. I wish it was just me and my little ones. I hate complaining about my family but they are really getting me down lately. They do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, but they complain constantly, I've not washed this, my cooking stinks, why haven't I cleaned behind the tv (the wires were in a mess!) They are all constantly in bad moods and I'm sure they think it's my fault. They stay up all night and sleep all day and when they get up I can't wait to get to bed.

Graham spends more time around his mums house than he does here. He does help sometimes with the kids but he doesn't do much around the house, he never seems to have time. (He's always around his mums) My ex was the same (Well he wasn't around his mum's he was at a friends or in the pub) and I got into a habit of not expecting anything and doing everything myself. So I guess I'm partly to blame for letting him get away with it.

Oh, and I'm so fed up of his moaning and yelling, especially at the girls. Men!!

There never seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on Yesterdays Dilemma

All day I fretted about wether to take the girls out with us or not but in the end I had little choice. Leila didn't have her daytime nap. I tried to get her to sleep but she just wouldn't go off. So come 7pm she was soooo tired there was no way I could take her out, so we let her sleep and nanny came around to look after her. We took Lucy to the restaurant with us and she was really well behaved. I missed Leila, but I knew she was sleeping and ok. It was a really nice evening and the food was yummy. I was so tired though, when we got home around 10 pm I just got ready and went straight to bed.

Kittens and kittens

Feeling sad today because my kitten has just had her kittens aborted along with being spayed. I took both kittens (8months, 1 male, 1 female) to be neutered last month but they wouldn't do it until they'd had their immunisations. So they had their first immunisation then and another 3 weeks later when I booked them in for their neutering today. Sometime in the last few weeks the female kitten, Sabrina, had gotten herself pregnant and the father was most likely her brother. The vet said because of the immunisations and the fact that her brother was the father then it would be likely that her kittens would be deformed or have health issues and it would be best to terminate them. So the deed was done today and now Sabrina is in recovery with a very nasty scar along her tummy. Her brother, Salem, has been done too. I know it was the best thing to do, but still feel sad. (Probably big soppy pregnancy hormones in play a little too)

On a brighter note it's my neice's 18th birthday tomorrow and we are all going out for a family meal. I'm still trying to decide wether to take the girls with us. I will fret about them if I don't, they are not used to being left in the evenings, and if I have left them it's been with their dad. If they come I will have to be more alert, but they are generally well behaved so I'm not worried about them playing up. The worst thing will be if they get overtired, then they will just complain to come home. I'm jealous of women who can leave their children and go out and enjoy themselves, it's just not something I've ever been able to do. It caused problems with my ex as he always wanted to go out, but my current partner is ok with not going out much. I do get better when they are older, although past experiences with my older children have made me even more wary. Sadly, I've had a bad experience when I've left them (my older kids) with someone I completely trusted. I know sometimes you have to trust but it's hard especially when it's your children you are trusting people to care for. They're my children and I'm the one who should be looking after them, but does that mean I'm not allowed to enjoy myself occasionally? Oh parenting can be so difficult sometimes.
Whatever I decide at least I know there is a nice meal to be had, and one I don't have to cook or wash up after.

Sun is Shining!

Well it has been for the last few days. It was lovely to go out today sans winter coats, about time I guess. We go on holiday in 16 days so it better stay now it's here.
I've had quite a busy week this week with Lucy being off school, good job I've been feeling better, although I wasn't at the beginning of the week and had to go to drs on Tuesday. Not feeling too bad at all now, just hope it lasts.
Wednesday we were going to the fair but it was a bit dull and looked like rain so we put it off and went to Toys R Us instead. The idea was to give the girls somewhere to run around and get excited and maybe let them buy a little something, while I perused all the baby stuff. When we got there the store was under reconstruction and all the toys were in a huge tent in the carpark!! Still it was plenty big enough for the girls to have fun and spend an age choosing, but downside was the babystuff was limited to one shelf. I did buy a changing bag which was full of useful stuff. Another few things off my massive shopping list crossed.
Thursday we actually went to the kiddie fair with a friend and her two girls. The weather was lovely and the girls had a great time. You would think with all that fun and fresh air they would be exhausted when we got home but they ended up staying awake much later than usual. I don't think I'll ever understand kids.
Friday was my day to be a taxi driver for the big kids. So I was in and out all day. Graham promised to take the girls to the park but then dissapeared for hours coming home just before tea time. The girls had to make do with playing in the garden.
Saturday, today, we went to a local shopping centre so I could pick up a birthday present for my neices 18th next week. Then we went to the park which the girls loved.
Tomorrow it's shopping day, the girls can go and spend some time with their nan, children and Sainsburys are a match made in hell.
Haven't got any plans for next week but I hope we can get out and about again, fingers crossed the weather stays nice.