Sometimes......

Sometimes I feel numb like nothing has happened.
Then the smallest thing makes me think of mum and I realise that I will never see her again, never speak to her again.
Then the pain starts.
They say time is a great healer, well I wish I had a time machine.

Another weary day

This morning we buried mum's ashes in the family grave along with my dad and my nan (mum's mum) It was kind of beautiful in the cemetary covered with snow, everything was sprinkled with fresh white and sparkly with ice. (It was also pretty treacherous in parts)
I have always found with cremations that I can no longer associate the box of ashes with the person that once was. To me it's just a token, like a plaque or sign, something to remember them by. I believe that the soul leaves the body in the instance of death and is commited to heaven at the funeral. The ashes are nothing. So although it's still a moving experience commiting the ashes to the earth, it doesn't feel like commiting the person, to me that was done yesterday.
After the service which was very reassuring (god certainly has the right words of comfort) we put our roses (one for each of her children and one for her daughter-in-law) in with her box. I had to put in my oldest brother's rose ( he didn't go, but he did go to her funeral yesterday) then I had to put in my youngest brother's rose. That bit made me really sad, on both accounts.
A little later I met my brother Kevin at mum's house to start clearing up their stuff. It had all been left to me and to be honest I just couldn't get my head around what I was supposed to do with it. It just felt wrong being there and boxing things up, but it's something that had to be done, and sooner rather than later. I wish I could put it all in storage for a few months so I can get my head around it, but I can't afford that. I have no choice, it all has to go.
I came home with a few things but it broke my heart because now I look at them and think that is all I have left. I even picked up my brother's glasses, I don't know why.

There is something that doesn't feel right about removing a dead person's belongings, going through all their personal things, I've been left feeling really down all day.

How am I going to cope without my mum?

The funeral

I was dreading today. Going to your own parent's funeral is so difficult to even think about.
But I think it went really well. I went in the car behind the hearse, I never took my eyes off my mum ahead but in my head I was making the journey in my car with her sitting next to me and she was talking to me all the way.

The service was nice, I listened carefully to every word. I couldnt' sing the hymns but I read the words in my head. At the end we were asked to stand up for a prayer and I felt like I was going to faint, but I didn't. Then they played 'Mama' by Il Divo at the end as I'd requested. And I cried.

I don't remember much else, it got a bit blurry then.

Tomorrow we go to bury her ashes in the grave with my dad and my nan. My nan was very close to my dad and had asked her ashes to be scattered on his grave. We buried them there instead and gave her her own plaque. Mum's name will go on the other side of the book on the headstone.

I've been thinking about what to do with my brother. He never really said what he wanted but he did ask if he could be put in with mum, dad and nan. I said it probably wouldn't be possible but I am going to ask. If they can't bury his ashes then I'll scatter them there. It wouldn't be fair for him to go anywhere else. He has never been on his own before and I couldn't do that to him now, he will be with mum whatever.

I'm finding it harder to come to terms with his death, probably because it was so tragic. Up until a month ago I hadn't spoken to him for years. I saw him a couple of times at the hospital but we didn't really speak until the day the dr gave us the prognosis on mum's cancer. Then we went outside together for some fresh air and just held each other and cried.

I can't forget what he did to my family, but I also can't forget him as a little boy. I even remember the day he was born, going to the hospital to see him, and again when he was taken seriously ill and nearly died at just a few weeks old. I remember when our neighbours threw a glass bottle through our window and it landed in his cradle just moments after mum had picked him up. I remember when he threw my favourite bottle of perfume out of his bedroom window. I remember when we went on holiday and i was looking after him when he ran off and I couldnt' find him, I was so scared. When I did find him I slapped him (I think out of fright) and he cried so much passing strangers kept giving him money and sweets. I was almost tempted to slap him again. I remember when he used up all the film on MY camera taking photo's of my wedding, when I had a photographer and I was saving my camera for the reception.
I remember the soft toy dog I gave him when he was about 4 yrs old, it's the same one he still has and has asked me to put in his coffin with him.
He was 34 yrs old, he was my baby brother.

R.I.P Bro

I went to see my brother today. I knocked on the door, I rang him on the house phone and the mobile but he didn't answer. I left him a text and went away. His car was outside but he'd told me he had a friend going to see him today and I thought maybe they'd popped out somewhere together. I kept calling and texting but got worried when I had no reply so I called my older brother. He went straight around and broke in to find him hanging from the door frame. He'd been there while I was knocking the door earlier.
I'm shocked and stunned. I knew he wanted to do it but I thought he was coming around a little. I took him to buy a new car on New Years Day, he seemed ok then. I persuaded him to order a curry because I knew he wasn't eating properly. He sent me a text later to say he'd enjoyed his curry but he still missed mum.
I do feel like I've failed him, but I did try to be there. If only I'd called him this morning, but I didn't bother because I knew I was going around in the afternoon.
I dont' know how much more I can take.

Surprise

Last night I was looking at videos on my mobile phone. It's quite new and I keep getting mixed up with the camcorder and the camera setting. There was a video of a table, which should have been a photograph, that my mum wanted me to try and sell for her a couple of months ago. I played it back for the first time and I could hear my mum talking to me in the background. It made me cry at first, but now I have her voice recorded and I'm so happy to hear her again.
If only I'd taken more videos and photo's. You just don't think. I rarely take pictures unless it's a special occasion and videos are usually just the lo's learning new stuff.

Happy Birthday Mum

Happy Birthday Mum
I only wish you were still here
So I could say it to your face
I can't believe you have gone.

Just a few short weeks ago we were full of plans
Things to do in the New Year
Birthdays, holidays, fun days out
And now you won't be here.

Every day I wake up and feel sad
I miss the love we shared
the relationship we had
I know with time the pain will ease
but I still have so much to face
All I want is one last chance to tell you
how much I love you
I miss you, always

Happy New Year

Although I'm not feeling happy. I feel a real grump today. My girls have been really poorly and yesterday I felt rough too. So even though I tried to stay up and even managed a glass of wine I didnt' make it past 10pm. Lucy barely slept at all so we just cuddled together in my bed. We did have a giggle at all the drunken party goers taking to the streets at midnight doing the conga. The fireworks were loud but Lucy was fine and they didn't even wake Leila. Then at 1am I had a call from Cassie who'd gone to town and wanted me to pick her up. No chance, my head was spinning, my car was frozen and there was no chance I was getting out of bed. So I had to fork out £20 for a taxi for her. Then she and Graham got drunk and made loads of noise until 4am. I was glad they enjoyed themselves but couldn't even muster the energy to feel jealous, I just wanted to sleep.

Tomorrow it is mum's birthday. It feels strange after weeks of wondering what I could get her. I can't even buy flowers for her grave as she's not buried yet? I haven't been to see her at the chapel. I said I didn't want to, I feel I've said my goodbye's, but the longing to see her just one more time is overpowering. I just want to see her alive though, I want to talk to her.