A sign of things to come

Oh God today has been the worst.
This morning I tried to call mum, first the phone just rang and rang, so I left it a few minutes and tried again; she answered but then the phone went dead, then it was just ringing again. Finally I called my brothers mobile and mum answered. The house phone was playing up. Boy did it give me a fright. Anyway, I had a quick chat with mum, she said she didn't feel too good but fancied lamb chops for dinner. She's not eaten much at all in days now but I give her whatever she asks for in the hope that she eats a little.
I got there this afternoon and at first she was quite lucid. She asked me to change her underwear so I did and the effort seemed to really take it out of her. I then went into the kitchen to put on her chops and when I got back she was fast asleep. I decided to let her sleep for a while at least until her food was ready.
An hour later I was panicking as I couldn't wake her up. Eventually I got her to open her eyes and speak to me, but she was really out of it. I kept trying for about 20 mins then my brother got back. He said she had been like that most of the day. We talked about her medication I figured it could be the anti-depressents she'd been prescribed. I told my brother not to let her have any more until we spoke to her dr. Then I came home.
An hour later my brother was on the phone, my older brother had visited and called an ambulance. I was so angry and upset. I mean, she is dying, she wants to die at home, no matter how ill she is what is the point of calling an ambulance. She would never forgive us if she were to end her days in hospital. At the very least she should be in a hospice instead. Anyway, I waited for a while then called back and begged, pleaded, screamed at them not to let her go to hospital. At the time the paramedic was there so they just said they'd let me know what he said.
What did he say? Well, he said it was the anti-depressents which were a form of tamazipan and were spacing her out. He said the effects would wear off in a couple of hours and we should talk to her gp before giving her any more. They didn't take her to hospital. Phew!
This is going to be even harder than I thought.

So Sad

I've just been to a forum that I've been posting on for many years. I've always found comfort there in times of need, and I've enjoyed sharing all types of news with the many ladies there. I've met many of them and so wanted to meet more. But, I signed on today to find so many arguments and nastiness. I can't even begin to form an opinion on it all as my sorrow is already so deep in my own families problems atm. I guess I'm being selfish but I feel as though I've now lost my sounding board, my place of comfort and support. I feel so incredibly sad, over a forum, is that daft? Or maybe it's just because I'm an emotional wreck atm anyway.
I've been busy, have to be busy it's helps to stop the thinking. Last night I wrapped loads of christmas presents, still have more to do but I need to get some more paper.
Today I've been calling family and working out a rota for visiting mum. Tomorrow will be difficult as it's my eldest brother's visit, I'm not looking forward to that. Then Tuesday I'm taking mum's youngest sister to see her, they've been at loggerheads with each other for years, but it's time for peace now. God, how am I going to cope with all this emotion.
I just have two more aunties to sort as I know they don't have their own transport, the others can make there own way.
Plans for Christmas (I pray every night that she makes it until after christmas) Christmas Eve I will prepare a dinner for mum and my brother. Christmas morning I'll call my brother to tell him when to turn everything on. Then I'll go and finish the cooking and serve it up. I'll then leave her in peace while I go home and feed my family. Then I'm going back with my older kids, my daughter was central to the whole family split so that's going to be tough, but she wants to go and mum wants to see her. I just hope and pray that it happens.
I must talk to the Macmillan nurses tomorrow, I think they have them at the hospice mum has been referred to. (no, she's not going into the hospice, they will support her at home)
There is one more thing I need to do but I can't face it right now, I need to look up what is going to happen to her. I dont' want to know but I have to be prepared.

On a lighter note the visit to Santa with the girl's yesterday was lovely. Lucy even talked to Santa, what a breakthrough :)

Mum is home

She wasn't supposed to be until next week but she'd really had enough of that hospital. (she couldnt' see the tv properly and was missing her soaps!)
Anyway, after 5 1/2 hours at the hospital yesterday they finally let me take her home. We have put her bed downstairs in the living room and we are going to put her tree and decorations up tomorrow.
We have support from the local hospice, and her nurse will still be visiting her daily. We have social services coming next week to arrange a homecare assistant.
She told me yesterday all her plans, but I've asked her to write everything down because sadly our family is still not as close as it should be.
Her plot at the cemetary is paid for, she will be with my dad and my nan. (yes, it's a bit strange my nan being in with my dad but they were incredibly close so it was her wish, and grandad left her when her youngest child was born and she never saw him again)
It was strange taking her home, kind of happy in one way because everyone knows how awful it is being stuck in hospital, but incredibly sad because she's only coming home because there is nothing they can do for her. Even her medication made me cry, they gave her painkillers, stronger painkillers, and even stronger painkillers, and a box of anti-depressents.
I have to say though, she already looked much better being at home sitting up on her own bed.
I'm having a bit of a break today, me and Deb have booked the girls in to see Santa at the nature centre, I just hope this rain eases up a little.

I'm losing my mum

Got up in a good mood today, the girls slept well and my cold seems to be clearing up. I was trying to optimistic about mum's scan yesterday, I was sure that we'd find out what was wrong and the treatment would begin to make her better.
Well, we found out what was wrong. She has lung and liver cancer, so advanced they can't do anything for her. They've given her just weeks to live. She just wants to get home, she doesn't want to die in hospital. I had to agree for them not to rescucitate her if her heart gave way, the dr told me that it would only cause her pain and wouldn't prolong her life for much longer.
Tomorrow we are seeing a specialist to find out what treatment she will have at home. Basically it will be just to make her last few weeks comfortable.
I dont' know how I'm going to get through this. This is so hard.

Wide Awake

I can't believe it but I got 8 hours sleep last night. Didnt' get up until 7.10am but plenty of time to get Lucy to nursery, first time in over a week. She was so excited bless her.
Had my shopping delivered and have done a complete cleaning blitz on the house, had all the windows open and been trying desperately to rid the house of germs and illness.
Yesterday Cassie's doll arrived. So at least she's happy.
Christmas shopping is all done now (well, just waiting for my Avon order which should arrive today)
Mum is having a scan today to try and get to the bottom of what is wrong with her. Just a few more days and she should be out of quarantine for mrsa, I really hope so.

bad week

sorry I haven 't updated since Monday.
Mum is still in hospital, she was transferred to the QE because she had a heart attack. They gave her an ultrasound scan and found spots on her liver. They can't do a cat scan because she can't lie flat so they wanted to do a biopsy. Then they found she has MRSA, so they are not doing the biopsy yet and can't transfer her back to Selly Oak until the mrsa is cleared up. She's now in quarantine.
The girls have been ill all week. Lucy hasn 't been to nursery and we've barely been out apart from the drs, and me to the hospital. I can't take them to visit their nanny and I'm not risking visiting now until the girls are healthy again . I'm just praying now that she doesn't have cancer. Just days ago I was hoping it was constipation, now look how things have changed.

Lot's more going on but I'm tired and this stupid keyboard keeps putting in extra spaces and I'm sick of backing up.

It's December and it's cold!

So cold, especially scraping the ice off the car window at 7.50am so I can take Cassie to the station for college.
Had a night of it with the girl's. Lucy had a coughing fit and made herself sick. Leila wouldn't go in her cot. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Have to go and see mum this afternoon, leaving the girl's with Graham.