This Christmas....

Has been fine!
I went to the cemetery on Christmas eve, just me and Graham, and we lit candles for my family and I said a little prayer for each one. I was really sad but glad I did something memorable.
Christmas day was lovely, the girls were fantastic, so excited with all their presents and they played nicely all day.
Dinner was really yummy (Even if I do say so myself) and we even managed pudding this year. I got a little sad after dinner, around the time mum passed last year, but I kept it to myself so as not to spoil the day for the rest of my family.
The only bad thing has been the girls being poorly with colds and very nasty coughs. We've barely had any sleep all week. On boxing day we went to my brothers house for an hour, they were getting ready to go to a party that we were invited too, but we didn't make it because of the girls. We did manage a party on 27th, but again the girls ended up snugging up to me and going to sleep. Graham had a good time though, he got pretty drunk!
Tuesday was the worst day for Leila, she barely moved all day poor thing, but today (Wednesday) they are both looking a little better so I'm hoping that we might get some sleep tonight!
ON Boxing day I told Cassie and Craige that I was pregnant again. A bit of a shocker I know, I've known about 4 weeks but I wanted to get Christmas day out of the way before telling them. Cassie has always been really upset when I've got pregnant before so I didn't want to spoil her Christmas. Craige was a bit shocked but ok, Cassie went quiet for 20 mins but then she said that she wasn't going to be like before and she'd be there for me all the way. She's growing up.
I'm not really sure how I feel still, the hormones are keeping me on a bit of a high (I think they have helped me get through Christmas) but I didn't' really want any more kids. I think I'm too old and I have my hands full already. We don't have the room here, we will have to move. And to top it all, I've got nothing for a baby, I got rid of everything Leila grew out of. This is going to be an expensive baby.

Last Christmas.....

I was reading through my blog today and I realised that I never really wrote about what happened last Christmas day, maybe I didn't feel strong enough at the time. I think that maybe now I am.
Christmas morning my younger brother called me to say that he was going home (from the hospice) because mum looked so ill he was scared she was going to die. I thought that he was exaggerating but I asked him to wait until I got there. I'd promised to take the girls with me to see their nan on Christmas day so we all went together. I went into her room first while Graham waited with the girls. My brother had left and I could see why. Mum was lying there barely breathing. Her eyes were open but there was nothing behind them, she didn't even know I was there. I went out to Graham and the girls and told them nanny was sleeping and they could go in and give her a kiss then daddy would take them in the gardens.
After Graham took them out I sat there holding her hand and told her how much I loved her. I wanted to stay until the end, I could tell it was coming, but Graham had no way of taking the girls home and I had a turkey in the oven. So I tore myself away vowing to go back as soon as I could.
At home, I don't know how but I managed to finish dinner, and even eat a little, but I was rushing to get back to mum. I felt bad for deserting my family but I knew it was the last chance I had to be with her. I was just putting on my coat to leave when the phone rang and I found out I was too late. I still went and she looked just as she had earlier, only this time she wasn't breathing. Her sister had been with her when she took her last breathe, so she wasn't alone. My older brother and his wife where there too. My younger brother hadn't been able to face going back.
So that was my Christmas last year.
This year I will feel sad but I'm also determined to make it special for my children.
After mum died last year lots of people told me that you never get over losing your mum. At the time I just wanted the pain to stop but now I realise that what I was told was true. The pain never stops but you find ways of dealing with it, life continues and the pain continues, but now I can embrace it because it reminds me of what I've lost, and what I've lost is a part of me.

Freezing Flowers

I went to the cemetery today, my two older kids came with me and Leila. The flowers I left last time looked like they were fresh, but on inspection they were completely frozen. I swapped them for new which will probably freeze too in this cold weather spell. I also took a cross wreath which was really pretty. Yes, I know I said I was going to make one, and I tried, but I just couldn't get it to look right so I gave up. Thinking about it, it was probably good enough, but I just through a wobbly and the wreath went flying up the garden. I'll blame the holly for now, that stuff is darned prickly.

My aunties had already been as there was already a wreath for my nan and a bunch of red roses for mum and dad. I'm sure there will be more when I go back next week. My plan is to go alone on Christmas eve and light four tea light candles. I think it's probably against the rules to light candles on a grave but I will only light them while I'm there and take them with me when I've said my piece. I just feel the need to mark the anniversary. It's been over a year now since I had my last 'proper' conversation with my mum. It still hurts.

One Year On....

Today we went to see Lucy in her school christmas play 'The Very Hopeless Camel' she was a star. She had to wear a headband with a star on her head and it kept falling down over her eyes. She gave up trying to push it up eventually so spent most of the play practically blindfolded. It was a really good play though, the kids did everything which is pretty good going seeing as the oldest ones there were barely six years old. Lucy missed her nursery play last year as she had conjuncivitis and they asked me not to send her in :-(
Next week we have two carol services (one inside, one out) to look forward to and Lucy has her christmas party (Which was originally this week but they changed it, much to Lucy's confusion.)
Also next week we are all going to the nature centre to visit Santa :-)

One Year Ago Today......

I learnt that my mum had cancer and she was given just weeks to live. In one way it seems like a lifetime ago, in another it seems like yesterday. I was determined that we were going to have one last wonderful christmas together, mum always loved christmas and I wanted it to be really special. sadly that was not to be because the illness took over her much too quickly and even though she made it to christmas day she wasn't aware of it, and it was her last day here on earth. I didn't know how I would cope this year, but so far I think I'm holding up well. I will go to the cemetery this week (as usual) and make sure it looks really nice for the christmas visitors. I'm going to make my own wreath for next week. Mum always liked to make christmas decorations, she used to make lovely tree top angels out of cheap plastic dolls, crepe paper and tinsel. So I thought I'd make my wreath rather than buying one, especially for her.

The one emotion I have been feeling a lot of is anger. I feel angry at my brother for sending her to a hospice. I don't see anything wrong with hospices, they are a great resource for many families, and can give excellent care to their patients. But, mum wanted to be at home, and she only had days to live, we should have let her have her wish. It would have been really hard for us, but I was prepared to do it and so was my younger brother. I can see that my older brother was doing what he thought was right for her, and he was angry at me for allowing her to come out of hospital, but I think he was delusional if he thought she was going to live any longer. Even if she had lived longer I'd have been prepared to put myself out for her, and my family were behind me all the way. I just wished she could have been at home like she so wanted to be.

It's no good focusing on the why's and what if's though, and even though I feel angry at my brother I'm not placing any blame, he thought he was doing the right thing by her. It's time to move on now and focus on the happier times. The problem is you have to work through the past to get on with the future, especially if you don't want it to keep coming back and haunting you.

Deck the Halls....

Finally I managed to finish decorating the living room and today I put up the christmas tree and decorations. I've a few more to put up tomorrow, I was just too knackered to do any more today. The girls loved decorating the tree, I just let them get on with it, (after I'd put on the lights) and sorted it out a little later on....I mean, 6 baubles on one little branch! The kittens love it too, they've knocked it over twice already. We now have the bottom of the tree behind a barrier to make it more off-putting....we'll see!

I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Most of which I'm not willing to share just yet, sorry, but watch this space. It strange the way life works, throwing things at you and expecting you to deal with it. I don't even know if I'm happy or sad, it's just a bit much to take in right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to take it easy, I think I deserve that. Then next week I have Lucy's school christmas play to look forward to a visit to the hospital with Graham and a visit to the dentist to have my new veneer fixed finally. (Well, I hope so, my dentist wasn't too thrilled with the impression, even though I did it twice.)

Busy Busy Busy

I am decorating the living room. It really needed doing but I did hope I could have had it done a bit sooner, Lucy is bugging me to put the christmas tree up already. Still, I'm glad to be busy, it stops me from thinking and I've a lot on my mind right now.
So, now it's December, the month I've been dreading all year. I can feel my sanity draining away already. Why do anniversarys have to be so difficult? I have been so scared that I will fall apart that I've made sure everything is done in time for christmas. No point in spoiling it for anyone else, my girls are going to have a fantastic time. Presents are bought ( not wrapped yet though ) turkey ordered and paid for and food shopping delivery arranged. So it's just xmas tree, wrapping and cards to do. (I've even bought my stamps!) Got to keep it together, must keep it together.
Keeping busy is what I must do! I'm going to paint the kitchen once the living room is done. I might not make it through this month with my sanity intact, but no-one will know, they'll just think I'm exhausted.