okesanne

Respect my Authoritah!!!

2012-01-29T13:26:00.000Z

In church today I had to restrain myself from a fit of the giggles. Our minister is Nigerian and has a thick accent. Today he was talking about figures of authority, so obviously he kept saying the word authority, only he was saying authoritah just like Cartman in South Park!!

Ever had one of 'those' days?

2012-01-26T10:28:00.000Z

my entire life is one of those days. Well it feels like it and I'm sick of it. I'm fed up of the moaning, complaining, arguing, the way everything is always my fault, I have to do everything for everyone and still it's not enough. It's my fault if anything goes wrong, it's my fault if appointments aren't made, or kept, it's my fault the kids are playing up, it's my fault the baby is crying, it's my fault when something breaks. It's my fault I'm fucking breathing!

OH how I wish I could get away, just me and the little ones. I would take them far away from here so we could get on with on lives and live the way I want us to. I wouldn't have to put up with the complaining or the lying. I wouldn't have to feel like I was trapped in a never ending spiral. Nothing ever gets better here, no matter how hard I try. I try to be understanding, I try to keep the peace, I put up with all sorts of shit, I keep my tongue well and firmly bitten almost all of the time. There are four adults in this house and three of them are driving this one fucking crazy.

I dont' want to tread on egg shells anymore. I don't want to live a lie. I want to be free. And if I can't be free then I'd rather be dead.

Sod the lot of them!
Rant over!

Do I Say I Do?

2012-01-21T22:23:00.000Z

I was watching The Wright Stuff the other morning and they were asking if you would/did marry to please your father. Well, I did even though my dad had been dead for 12 years by the time I wed. I even got married in the church where he was buried so he could be there. He was very old fashioned and I just know that had he been alive he would have wanted me to marry before living with my partner and having children. So I got married at 20 and it lasted 19 years but only because it took me 9 years to get a divorce.

Now I'm being asked to get married again. I didn't really want to marry again but he thinks it's because I don't love him enough. So I've agreed to a quiet registry office wedding. It won't happen though unless I arrange it. The old fashioned me wants to be married to my little one's dad and have the same name, it seems the right thing to do and I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. A part of me knows I could do a lot worse, but I could also do a lot better, but I wouldn't bother trying for the better so why not settle for what I have. I can't trust him but then that makes no difference wether we are married or not, I don't think he will change just because he is my husband. So here I am trying to decide wether to actually go for it or not. Which seems sad, because it shouldn't be like this. I know I will make the right decision in the end.

Having trouble........

2012-01-12T23:01:00.001Z

.....finding things to be cheerful and upbeat about!

Let's face it, if I did keep this blog just for writing about the good things that happen, well, I don't think I'd make a post a month!
Sorry, today has been stressful. I've been ok, but everyone around me has had a meltdown at some point today and I've been stuck right in the middle. *sigh*

Why do people lie? I feel like I've spent all my life around people who can lie without even flinching. I used to lie too, I thought it was normal, but since I've thought about it more I try to be as truthful as possible at all times. Of course there are times when it is necessary to lie, and sometimes when you think lying is the right thing to do (even though it might not be) and it's often said that lies come back to haunt you. But why lie when it's completely unnecessary? Why lie just for the sake of it? Why lie, when you know the truth is bound to come out sooner rather than later?

Someone lied to me last week knowing that I would see the person that they lied about this week and find out the truth. Why? I just don't get it. I guess they are just a compulsive liar and can't help themselves.

“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

How do I deal with someone like this? How can I ever believe a word they say?

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

Fat Busting!

2012-01-09T22:19:00.000Z

Ok, I know I've been here before with the whole I need to lose weight gripe. Well, I've never been totally unhappy with my figure, I like being a little curvy and don't miss my skinny days (old nickname 'beanpole') But it's time to face facts, I'm getting fatter! I lost all my baby weight and was doing well, but then I got complacent, and then I got greedy and now I'm putting it all back on. No more, I say. Today I've started to work on shifting it. I will reach my goal weight and stay there. So put those biscuits away, keep the chocolate for the kids, and baking is for Sunday's only (and then I'll only try a little) I'm going to be slim for the summer!

Goodbye 2011

2012-01-07T22:49:00.000Z

I sat here last night composing a review of 2011, I was using my blog for memory jogging. I decided to scrap the post, not because the year was particularly boring and I didn't have anything to say, but because it showed me to be a miserable cow. So few posts where upbeat and happy, most were depressing. I suppose I should be glad my blog is not well read. Anyway, I'll admit it, I feel much the same now as I did last year, nothing ever seems to go right for me, I have far too much to deal with and far too little support or help. My mind is a constant muddle of all the things I need to get sorted. I'm kept awake each night by children and worries on my mind. But maybe it's time for things to change, maybe this will be my year. I'm going to do something radical and put a happy spin on everything that gets me down. How long it will last I don't know. There are some things I can't change but there are some things I can, many I've tried to change and failed, but I won't give up. I just need a different mindset and a little luck, oh, and a Saviour!

Welcome 2012

2012-01-02T22:50:00.000Z

I think I've coped fairly well this Christmas. The sadness has been there but I've also learnt to accept that there is nothing I can do to change that and the pain seems easier to bear. Today would have been mum's birthday, the year she died she hadn't even been buried and that was really hard. I remember I had one of my horrible migraines that day too and I was unable to drive to visit my brother who was very depressed. I kept in touch with him all day by mobile and told him I'd be up to see him the next day. His last text to me was ' I miss mum' I texted back to say that I did too and I'll see him tomorrow, but I never did. He chose to take his life before I arrived.

I have found Eastenders really difficult this New Year too, I knew that Pat was going to die but I hadn't read any spoilers and thought she would be going out with an heart attack. Then she got the diagnosis of terminal cancer. The scene in the hospital where the consultant told her diagnosis and prognosis was almost identical to what happened to mum. The first reaction everyone has to cancer is to fight it, there is so much that can be done these days and you hear of people beating cancer all the time. That's why it's so shocking to hear the words 'terminal' Yes, in some cases treatment can prolong life, but sometimes there is just nothing to be done, and when the cancer is that far advanced there is no fight and death comes quickly. The scenes that upset me the most where the ones where Pat decided to come home from hospital. To go home to die. Taking someone home from hospital to die is the most surreal experience and one I will never ever forget.

I haven't read anything but I'm thinking a lot of people will criticise Eastenders and the way they handled the storyline, but in drawing on my experience I think they did it very well. I do wish the program wasn't so darn depressing all the time though.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T12:22:00.000Z

Christmas eve we had an early start and all went to the cemetery with our wreath and candles. It was cold but bright and no rain so perfect for a walk through the park to the old church and cemetery.

We met my aunt and cousin there and after laying our wreath, lighting and lighting our candles we went inside the curch to have a warm up and a drink. The girls helped put some baubles on the church Christmas tree. It really is a lovely old church. I got married there in 1986 on it's 200th anniversary.

Then it was back home on the bus, stopping by the local post office for our Christmas booze!

Back home the girls just couldn't wait to go to bed and were tucked up fast asleep by 7.30pm. Then Graham went to his mum's and I decided to retire myself at around 10pm.

Christmas morning began with Lucy waking at 5am. she couldn't get back to sleep but what 6 year old could! So I got up with her and allowed her to open 1 present while I made a cuppa and some breakfast. Then Joseph woke at 6am and I woke Leila and Graham up. Then followed a present opening frenzy.

Craige got up to join in and Cassie came down shortly after the main frenzy. Then Graham went back to bed.

Then Craige went back to bed. Then Cassie went back to bed and it was just me and the little ones as usual.

Graham got up again and went around his mum's again for a couple of hours. I put the turkey in and got the veggies ready. I jotted down a schedule so that everything would be cooked on time. My aim was 3.30pm. At 2.30pm, I decided do check the oven and that's when I discovered that it had kindly switched itself off, probably five minutes after my putting the turkey in. So after a little flap, I re-scheduled dinner for 6pm and cooked a big greasy late lunch! We ended up having dinner at 5.30pm and it was lovely, so worth the wait.

After dinner, Graham went around his mum's for an hour, but this time he took the kids with him so I had chance to clean up a bit and watch the first 1/2hour of Dr Who in peace. When they got back it was time for the kids to go to bed.

Then we settled down to watch Eastenders and afterwards, surprise, surprise, Graham went around his mum's. I had a glass of wine and went to bed.

All in all, not a bad day. It could have been better, Graham could have spent more time with us, the cooker could have co-operated a bit more and not turned itself off and I could have done without an uplanned visit from auntie flo, but as Cassie kindly pointed out to me, I've had much much worse Christmas'

3 years ago!

2011-12-16T21:58:00.000Z

3 years ago today I'd been to visit my mum twice in the hospice, the place she didn't want to be. Me and Sim had taken her out of hospital (Against everyones wishes except mum's who's wishes were the only ones that mattered) and taken her home to die, she wanted to die at home. Then within just a day of being home she went downhill so quickly my other brother had her put in a hospice. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing. He was angry at me for taking her out of the hospital. Although shocking, I knew what was happening, mum knew she was going home to die that's why she wanted to go home when she did, she knew she didn't have long left, but my brother believed that taking her out of hospital was what made her go downhill so quickly, he believed that she had much longer left, he was scared that we couldn't look after her at home it would be too difficult. So that's it in a nutshell...and we still haven't really forgiven each other. My worst regret is her not having her last wish of dying at home. No matter how difficult it would have been I know we could have done whatever was needed. It was only for a week in the end.
I still send my brother a xmas card, although I don't get one in return.

I've bought a beautiful angel candle holder for the grave for mum, I've also bought some candles for the rest of my family and will spend some time with them all on Christmas Eve. I will light a candle at home in her memory on Christmas day at 4pm, the time she passed away.
I'm finding this year so hard, last year I had baby Joe to keep me focused, the year before I was pregnant, but this year has been a sad and lonely one, I've wanted to speak to mum so many times. I've missed her so much.
I've found some comfort in my faith. If I'm honest, I only went back to church because I wanted Leila and Joseph Christened, but I've barely missed a week for the last six months. I've found a new, friendly community to be part of, and plenty that has assured and comforted me in times of need.

So now as I approach Christmas, a time of joy and of dread, I have my back-ups in place and my wonderful family to keep me grounded. So even when I feel the only place I want to be is the same place as my mum, there is always something or someone that can hold me back.

I Had Another Birthday!

2011-11-27T13:15:00.000Z

Yesterday was my birthday and now I'm beginning to feel old. Sometimes I feel way too old to have three small children, what was I thinking, they are such hard work. Then sometimes I think that having three small children keeps me feeling young. Either way, I wouldn't be without them now.

So, pressies, yes I had a few :-) Graham bought me a lovely cross pendant, Cassie bought me a bottle of chocolate wine, Craige bought tickets to see Kasabian next week, the mother-in-law bought me chocolates and smellies, and my brother and sister-in-law gave me money with which I'm going to buy Il Divo's new album out tomorrow.

On Friday, me, Graham and Joe went to the BBC Good Food show which was great. The exhibition was huge and we walked our feet off. I didn't buy much but did get some cake decorating items which I've been hankering for. We got to try lots of food, mostly curries and sweet stuff, and lots of booze. I had to stop with the free drinks as I was getting tipsy, Graham just loved it. We got some nice freebies too.

Today at church we were asked as a family to light the first candle of Advent and say a few words, and the little ones in Sunday school got to practice their nativity play. We are beginning to feel a real part of our church now, like an extended family.

Tomatoes and Melons

2011-11-06T22:22:00.001Z

Tomatoes and melons
by Paulo Coelho on November 5, 2011

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?
You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

While thinking that I wanted to write in my blog today, I really didn't know where to start. I've had a really weird day, difficult to explain, stressful, but only because I wasn't very good at handling the stress. Then I read the above on Paulo Coelho's blog and it made a lot of sense. I'm not saying that I'm tomato trying to be a melon but I do sometimes try to be supermum when I know I'm not. I'm always pretending to be strong, pretending that everything is going well. I think that's where I come unstuck, some days I'm just not up to my own expectations and today was one of those days. I did the crying, just a little and to myself. It was while Graham was putting the kids to bed because I'd just had enough and wasn't up to it.
I'm feeling a little better now. Maybe tomorrow I can be more proud of myself and what I do achieve instead of getting frustrated about not being what I would like to be.

Letter to My Son

2011-11-02T22:21:00.000Z

This I wrote on March 14th 2009.

Dear Son,
I can't believe how fast the years have flown, it's seems just yesterday when I met you for the first time. I was so excited to have you at last. Right from the beginning I knew you were special. You were bright and happy so long as I was around. You couldn't bear to be parted from me, even for one minute. At just nine months old you were walking, nothing would stop you as you reached each milestone quickly and easily. I thought you were so clever how you would arrange all your toys by colour and name all your trains and say what colour they were. Numbers were special to you and I would joke how you would become a mathematician when you grew up.

School was wonderful at first. I always had glowing reports of how clever you were. I would ignore the comments about your more unusual behaviours. When you were six your teacher, who adored you, gave me a number for a child pyschologist. I never called, there was no need, you were my bright little star. You had a couple of friends who you liked to spend most of your time with. You ignored everyone else.

Then as you got older I had to face the truth. It was like no-one understood you. You were likeable enough, but your unusual ways made your peers keep well away, apart from the ones who thought it was fun to tease you and make you angry. You would come home and state that you had anger issues and could I please get you some help. So I did, and we were given a full report and a diagnosis. You have Asperger's Syndrome. All this time the one thing I'd so wanted to avoid was to give you a label, and now that's exactly what had happened.

I soon realised that it was for the best though. Finally people understood and you wasn't just the weird kid anymore. You got help and I got help and both our lives improved. You did well at a new school and at college. I'd always been proud of you but now I was more proud than ever.

Now I see you growing up and I feel we have both grown up so very much. You are such an handsome lad, (well, I would say that I'm your mother) with your big brown eyes and dark hair. At over six feet tall you truly are the epitomy of tall, dark and handsome. Most of all you are caring and loving and I just know that you will find yourself a lovely girl one day and settle down. As for the anger problems, well they went away as soon as I took you away from the bullies, trust you to blame yourself.
We've had a bumpy ride but I'm sure the future will bright for us both.
My love always,
Mum xxx

Wanted- A New Home

2011-10-22T20:24:00.000+01:00

I've been looking for a new home for my large family for ages now. When I decided to have more children, my older children were already young teenagers and I honestly thought that they would be moving on, going to university, getting married, basically just moving out. They didn't. They are still home, now in their 20's but I fully understand why they are still here, hindsight is a wonderful impossible thing.
So the situation is, four adults and three children in a three bedroomed house. Our kitchen is tiny, so is our bathroom. We are falling over each other, it's impossible to find any peace. And I'm sharing a bedroom with my partner and three small children. No wonder I complain about not getting any sleep, wouldn't you?
I've lived here 22 years now and I have to say I love living here. The street is lovely, the local shops are great, the school is close and great, there is a really good local bus service and the train station is a 20 minute walk. You can even walk to the huge new super hospital in 15 mins (And the maternity hospital)
If I could knock down a couple of walls and build a couple of extra bedrooms in the attic, I'd happily stay here forever.

The other day I was invited to put a bid in for the chance of a newly refurbished 6 bedroomed house. The chosen family will be filmed for channel 4 explaining their current housing condition, viewing the new house before the re-furbishment and then moving into the new house. I would say my chances of being chosen were very small, but what a fantastic opportunity.
Paulo Coelho said "If you want something all the universe conspires in helping you acheive it"
I want a bigger house, I was given this chance.....will the universe conspire in helping me get it?

I'll let you know!

Back Together

2011-10-15T20:37:00.000+01:00

I've decided to take Graham back and give our relationship another go.
Not a decision I made lightly but one that I'm sure is right. This has been the longest we've been apart since we met 11 years ago and I think we needed a break. Our relationship had hit rock bottom, he truly believed I didn't love him anymore, and I don't know if I did.We can all make excuses for our mistakes but sometimes we have to look at the real reasons behind what we do. I must still love him because I wouldn't have taken him back again.
I haven't given him any conditions on his return, and I've told him he doesn't need to earn my trust because I'm just going to trust him anyway, all he has to do is prove me right. We've talked loads and made lots of changes in our lifestyle. If we really want it to work it will. If it doesn't then it's obvious that we just didn't want it enough.

The Grave

2011-10-06T11:44:00.000+01:00

I've not spoken about the grave for a while now, but I still visit regularly. I go off to visit my family down the cemetary, at least they are all in the same place. It would be nice to think they are together.

Anyway, I took some flowers down for mum and as usual the grave was full of 'pretend' flowers. I don't really like them but have to admit they do look nice, and the grave looks well cared for. Originally I thought my aunt only wanted to put fake flowers on so she didn't have to visit so often, but it's obvious that she visits all the time, the flowers are regularly replaced and never look tired or worn. And they do stay looking nicer for longer than fresh flowers even though they don't smell so good. I like to take my real flowers for the pot on the headstone, I know they will be wilted within a few days but it's my way.

So, I figured I needed a good old chat with my mum. I do this often, although the chats are one-sided it always helps. But this time it didn't. It suddenly hit me that mum isn't here anymore. I can talk to her all I like but I will never know if she can hear or not, and I never get a reply. I needed advice but mum was gone and couldn't help me. I needed a hug but she just wasn't there. I can full well imagine exactly what she would say but it's not the same.

Suddenly I felt very very alone.

Things have changed a lot since that day, but I'll stop for now and write more soon.

Truly the End

2011-09-19T15:24:00.000+01:00

I don't think I should be writing this now, but here it is straight from the heart while it's breaking in two. I can't even bare to look at his face anymore.
Today I was ready to break and give in, I've missed him so much, crazy because things have been crap for a while and I should have been enjoying the break but I'm too bloody soft for my own good. He pleaded and begged for forgiveness, then he told me how crap it was staying at his mums and I thought, ah he's only doing this because he misses being at home. but he insisted that he wouldn't give in, he would prove to me how much he loved me and how sorry he was. Of course he kept pointing out that he didn't really do anything....no, hitting on my friend is nothing, doesn't hurt a bit, not even though you've done it in the past and swore you'd never do anything like it again. So we argued and suddenly it was all my fault because I wouldn't marry him!!! I was going to marry him until the first time he did it, that's when I thought it's best we didnt' get married just in case he did it again (and again) (and as I've just found out, again!)
So he goes away to give me a little peace and I spot that he's left his Facebook logged in so I nosey...well you have to don't you when you know he's been 'trying' to play away.
First I spot the messages to the 'last girl' the one he promised me he'd delete from his phone and FB and never ever speak to again....well he did... a couple of weeks ago, he was telling her how crap it was at home, how bored and fed up of me he was. He didn't DO anything wrong though!
Then I spotted a scantily clad lady so clicked on her....'hi, it's me from the 'naughty site' do you want some fun?' and oh boy did he want some fun, filthy disgusting talk persued (just a bit of fun) then she wanted him to log into her webcam but somehow he had a few problems and didn't make it....so he didn't DO anything wrong!

I think I'm well rid!
I think I'm heartbroken.
I feel such a fool.
I can't stop throwing up.
I HATE HIM

coping?

2011-09-16T21:47:00.000+01:00

I hate going to the school. It feels like everyone knows and is looking at me. That's probably not true because I haven't told anyone and I'm pretty sure my friend hasn't. Although Graham has it as knowledge on his FB and there are a few of his friends in the playground. So I stand well back and don't talk to anyone, then when the door opens I rush in grab the kids and go. I usually have Lucy complaining can we walk with Sofie, or Jae, but I just don't want to be talking to their parents :-(

Graham won't leave me alone, he's texting, phoning or coming around. Today he even bought me flowers. He keeps saying he's sorry and it didn't mean anything but this is a lot more than that. Maybe, just maybe if he hadn't played so close to home with someone I see every day then there might be a little forgiveness in me, but not right now. I will forgive him eventually because I totally believe in forgiveness, not forgiving makes you bitter and sad. But forgiving does not mean I have to take him back.

Last night I lay awake in bed for two hours dissecting a day out we had in the holidays where she came along. My imagination probably went into overdrive but they did spend a lot of time together, they had loads of fun and I was the one fussing and looking after the kids. The boring sensible one who wasn't up for smoking a little pot behind the loos. Then on the bus on the way home she sat at the back with two of the girls, Graham was sitting with the pushchair at the front and I was in between with Leila. I looked at him and he was staring towards the back of the bus and I remember how the look in his eyes and face really touched me. Who was he looking at with so much tenderness. He saw me and instantly said he was looking at Lucy. Of course he would say that. I can't argue, I can't prove otherwise, but it's there like a poisonous seed in my mind.

He keeps begging me to take him back but I can't even think of it right now. I'm convinced that just a couple of weeks apart and he won't be begging anymore, he'll be enjoying his freedom too much.

Break Up!

2011-09-15T22:44:00.000+01:00

It started in the morning when Graham go up and asked me when I'd got my new top. I told him I'd wore it to the Christening on Sunday but he swore he'd never seen it before. He was adamant until I showed him a photo of me at the christening in said top. I don't know why but I couldn't stop thinking about why he hadn't noticed what I was wearing.

Later we were at the shops about to seperate to go into different stores when his mobile rang and it was Craige for me (I'd left my mobile in my other jacket at home.) I took his phone with me while Craige rambled on about the cat bringing a bird into the house. Oh, I said, that's a bad omen!
While waiting for Graham to catch up with me I just felt the urge to nosey around his mobile and came accross a series of messages from Sunday to my friend.
It started as friendly flirting, they'd been sent after the christening and after I'd gone to bed. Then the flirting got stronger 'You looked so sexy today babe' 'yeah I know, I always do, lol'
Then, 'can I come around yours?' 'nah man, you got a mrs and she's really nice' 'yeah I know, sorry'
10 minutes later..... 'if I was single would you?'
I felt sick and shaky. Why does he have to do this? The first time it was his mate playing a joke, yes, I really fell for that! The second was not so easy to get out of, page after page of sickening MSN messages on his laptop as he hadn't known they were all automatically saved. We split for a couple of days after that, but I took him back because he didn't actually meet up with her. Then there was a series of flirty texts to a friend he was supposedly fixing his brother up with. I didn't know her but apparently he had gone to school with her and they swapped mobile numbers over Facebook. Like a fool I gave him one last chance.
He blew it!
'We haven't done anything for two months' he told her. (It's been 3 weeks) That's because our baby keeps me awake most of the night and I'm surviving on 3-4 hours sleep, I told him to come to bed with me at 11pm if he wants some because I just can't summon up the need at 3am when he's finished on his PS3.

So he's moved into his mum's until he can find somewhere to live. He was always around there anyway.
And I have to carry on as normal. I have to go around the school and see my friend, 20 yrs younger than me, and think of how he wanted her more than he cared for our relationship. She came to me in tears, 'I'm sorry I flirted back, I was a bit drunk, I didn't mean anything' 'It's ok' I said 'at least you turned him down'
Always forgiving, always soft, I can hear my mum saying you need a spine.

So now I'm a single mum again. Last time I had a family, I had friends, I was working and I had my youth. I found it really hard but I survived. I have none of that now and right at this minute, no will to survive.

The Christening

2011-09-14T10:23:00.003+01:00

We had Leila and Joseph christened together on September 9th 2011 at Weoley Castle Community Church.
We arrived at the church at 10.30am ready for service at 11am. Leila's godparents where my brother and sister-in-law, Joseph's were Graham's brother and our niece. The service was lovely and Leila and Joseph were well behaved, especially when baptised and they got soaked. When Lucy was christened the minister just wet her finger and drew a cross on her forhead. This time the water was actually poured onto Leila and Joseph, but they didn't even flinch.
After the service we went back to our home where I'd put on a buffet for lunch. Id' been cooking since 6.30am!! I had also made a cake (photo to follow) I think I may be getting addicted to making cakes :-)
The last guests didn't leave until 7pm so it was a very long day!

The cake with a little Leila and Joseph

Joseph in his suit, minus shoes

Leila

Joesph and my brother

Lucy's Birthday part two -Great Yarmouth

2011-08-28T14:43:00.000+01:00

24th August was Lucy's actual birthday, I bought her some games for her wii and let her have them a day early as we had a coach trip to Great Yarmouth planned on her actual birthday.

7.40 am we walked to local post office to get coach along with nan and grandad.
The coach was crammed, we were the last to get on and although there were six seats, none of them were together. After a moan that we couldn't let the girls sit on their own next to strangers we ended up with Graham and the girls squashed into two seats, me, Joe and nan on another two seats and grandad next to a stranger.
Joe slept for two hours which was a relief. Then we had a break and a further hour of travelling. The girls were really well behaved.
We arrived at Great Yarmouth at 12pm and headed for the beach. The sun was shining and it was warm. Once on the beach we got out the bucket and spades and picnic. We had a paddle in the sea but poor Leila ended up falling face first into the water. I bought towels and clothes though so no real panic. A couple of hours later and it looked like it was going to rain so we packed up and headed towards shelter. It did rain, for about 5 mins and not very heavy.
Next we went to the pier and the girls had fun on the fair at the end. The sun was back and it was turning out to be a lovely day.
Then we went for a walk around the shops buying rock and treats (Lucy and Leila had Sonic and Amy from a collectors shop) we stopped for a little rest and drink and then on again to find some milk for Joseph.
Then it was back to the beach and the girls went on some bouncy castles while we sat on deck chairs.
We then found a little cafe so we could have a nice hot meal, it was now around 6.30pm and we were all getting a little tired. I think that after filling up we were quite ready to go home but there was still a few hours left. mmmmm not returning until 10pm had sounded like a good idea at first.
After tea I took the girls and Joseph for a clean up and change. Then we went to another little fair and the girls had some more rides.
It got dark and the girls were tired. Joseph was sleeping in his pushchair so we sat on a bench by the sea and the girls had a nap. Finally it was time for the firework display and this woke up the girls. Then it was time to get back on the coach. Joseph and the girls slept all the way home.
We got back at 3.15am !!! to a torrential downpour, oh joy!
It was a lovely day and the kids were all so well behaved, but I dont' think I'd go on a trip with such a late return again.

Lucy's Birthday

2011-08-22T21:31:00.000+01:00

There are both pro's and cons to having a birthday in the summer, you don't have to go to school, the weather is more likely to be nice (good for days out and outside parties) but you don't get many turn up for your party because you are not at school and lots of friends are on holiday. Lucy doesn't get many turn up to her parties as she doesn't see her school friends during the holidays, maybe it will change as she gets older.

So although her birthday is not until Wednesday (24th) she had her party on Saturday. She chose a Tangled (Rapunzel) theme. Quite handy as I'd already bought her a Rapunzel dress :-)
The cake we decided was to be the tower, and ended up being my nightmare. I never, ever want to make an upright cake again, cake is not meant to go up!

Anyway, she had a fun day, I'll let the photo's do the talking (although I did forget to take pics of the party games)

Tangled Cake which ended up being 10 cm shorter than originally planned

party food

enjoying some food

Tangled lanterns activity

Sleep

2011-08-10T22:16:00.001+01:00

There was a time that I would talk about sleep, or rather the lack of it, all the time on this blog. So I'll forgive you if you thought that maybe things were good now. In fact I don't think it's ever been so bad. Joseph is easily the worst sleeper I've had. He can wake up at least twice every night and is very reluctant to go back to sleep. He doesn't like his cot, he doesn't like co-sleeping, he does like the settee, but only for an hour or so. The longest period he has slept is 4 hours, mostly it's up to an hour during the day (once, sometimes twice) and two to three hours throughout the night.
Sleep deprivation is hard to deal with. I find myself finding it difficult to get through the day, I forget things all the time and sometimes simple tasks are so difficult to perform. I get days which I call fuzzy because I can't focus on anything.
Then during the day I have a moany baby to deal with which is no fun at all. The last few days/nights have been the worst ever.
And now Joseph is a year old, he had his birthday yesterday.

Let it Rain!

2011-08-03T21:37:00.000+01:00

The past few days have been so hot. I know it's a sin to complain about hot weather in the British summer time, but I honestly don't care for hot weather anyway, mild weather yes, no rain ok, windy fine, but hot hot hot and muggy....no thanks!
Yesterday we had some new lino for the kitchen. We do actually have some really nice red tiles on the floor, but I couldn't live with them. I tried once, I polished them to a gleam and they looked lovely, but they were so cold and hard, and difficult to keep clean. Give me a nice piece of lino anyday. I don't do laminate either, tried it, hated it. Always looks nice in other people's houses, but I just can't live with it.
While Graham was laying the lino, the girl's were around nanny's house and I was set to take Joseph to playgroup. Then I found myself (And Joe) on the bus going to the cemetery. I've not been for months now and was feeling incredibly guilty. So I took the opportunity to visit. I had a real good rabbit to my mum, you could tell I had some catching up to do. I'm sure she loved all the gossip from the big family party we went to last week.

Today we decided to take the kids to the park, it's about 15 minutes walk away. Going was ok, but it was hot and tough. The girls were excited on seeing the park and Leila got stuck in straight away. Lucy wasn't so happy though, the slide was too high, I pushed her too high on the swings and spun her too fast on the roundabout. Then she had an headache and her legs ached. I really don't understand a (almost) six year old little girl not liking the park. So we sat down in the shade to cool off for a while then set off home.

By the time we got back we were all exhausted and hot and sweaty. Not fun at all. I think we'll stay indoors from now on!

Recipes for a perfect marriage

2011-08-01T21:41:00.000+01:00

I've just read a book called Recipes for a Perfect Marriage by Kate Kerrigan. Not really my sort of book at all, all slushy and romantic. In fact I don't even know where it came from, probably a book bundle I bought sometime. Anyway, I was looking for something to read and this one caught my eye because it has actual recipes in it. I'm totally addicted to cook books, so I gave it a whirl. The blurb on the back promises an insight as to whether true love can be learnt. Something that strikes a chord with me, as I often feel incapable of true love, whatever that means.

The story itself is quite nice, set in two different lifetimes it follows the story of a grandmother and that of her grandaughter alternately. Both of them in seemingly loveless marriages, both of them foodies. I didn't care much for the grandaughter but the grandmothers story revealed some beautiful insights into life, dreams, love and motherhood. There are a couple of quotes I'd like to share. The first is from when the grandmother's mother-in-law dies and she is looking at her orphaned husband in his grief.

"A mother draws a map for her child and places herself in the centre of it. Her death wipes that map clean. She leaves you knowing you must redraw it to survive and yet not knowing where to start."

Anyone who has lost a mother they were close too can relate to that. I have never in my life felt so lost and alone in the world as when my mother died, for a while I wondered if it was possible for me to survive, what was the point. Then I began redrawing my map, often thinking what would my mother say, always with a sense of loss, but also with a sense of freedom never felt before. A mother's bond can be very strong.

The second quote comes from the grandmother's reflections on being a mother. She only has one child and longs for more but it never happens.

"No matter what wisdom or tricks for happiness you learn, a mother worries every day of her life for her child. A wise one will pretend to let them go to keep them, but it's just a sweet and sensible lie. Motherhood is a sweet sweet suffering; a joy today is marked by a fear for tomorrow and a craving for yesterday."

How quick does motherhood fly by, how quick do our children grow? It's scary, we want to hold them as babies, but we want them to grow and mature as well. We worry constantly even when they no longer require us to worry for them. Letting go is the hardest. I'm lucky as I've a whole brood around me, but does that mean I have five times the worry, does that mean I have to learn to let go five times over? What happens when Joseph leaves the nest?

Even though this was not the type of book I wouldn't normally read, I will admit to have actually enjoyed it. And, yes, I've tried some of the recipes too. In fact, yesterday I cooked the Slow Roasted Clove Ham, it took me hours. I liked it but the big kids said they preferred it cooked quickly, tough and salty! What do they know eh?

Leila's 4th Birthday

2011-07-28T22:44:00.001+01:00

I decided to have Leila's birthday party a few days early at the weekend as they had just broken up from school and thought it would be a good chance of her little nursery friends turning up. Well, out of the 20 in total invited we ended up with 8 guests. Leila didn't mind she had a fantastic day, and the party went really well. I went with a princess and pirates theme, sadly we only had one pirate arrive. We made tiara's and telescopes in the garden, then while the kids were helping themselves to the buffet Graham and another dad hid loads of gold coins in the garden. I gave all the kids gold bags and told them to go and find the treasure. It was a big hit, they loved it. Then they brought their treasure to me and I rewarded them with sweets. We also played pass the parcel and musical statues and Graham entertained them all on his guitar while they made up songs.

For her birthday I bought a joint present for the garden for her and Lucy (who's birthday it is in 4 weeks time) Last year they had a playhouse, this year a swing and glider. I also bought her some smaller presents to open up.
So my little princess is now four!

Lucy's Diagnosis

2011-07-25T16:11:00.000+01:00

I'm a bit late with this but last Tuesday I took Lucy to the pyschologist for another assessment, she has them every six months. We went on the bus and it was quite a long walk but she didn't complain. In the waiting room she was really good, she sat reading books to me then played with some building blocks. She was quiet and never complained about the wait, which ended up as 45 minutes. Some of the other children in the waiting room were complete nightmares, I was worn out just watching them.
Then we went in to see the dr. Lucy was ok for a few minutes then I lost her as she went off into her own world. She was upside down on the chair and making weird noises. While I was talking to the dr Lucy was completely oblivious of what was happening, when we directed a question at her we had to try several times before we got a response. This is quite typical of Lucy, one minute she can be perfectly normal and fine, then she's off into her own little space which is hard to penetrate, we usually say she's off in Lucy's world.
Her report from school stated that although her work was good she often became distracted by seemingly nothing and just stopped working. She would talk at totally inappropriate times during lessons and still didn't mix much with the other children. She has her special friends but she doesn't really interact with them either, I see an example of this when she comes out of school, she'll beg me to wait for a particular friend, then walk with them for about 10 seconds before going off on her own. She doesn't like change at school and will become withdrawn if told to do something different. she also complains that the other children are too noisy.
At home she is very obsessed with her gaming, she is happiest when playing on the wii, and when we tell her to come off (with give her time limits for play) she will often want to go on the pc and look at websites or videos relating to her games. We try to encourage her to do something different but she'll go back to it as soon as we take our attention away. She is also very routine orientated. Her game goes on at the same time every day, although it's different at weekends or when there is no school (although if she if off school sick then the game is not allowed on.) Then after dinner she likes to go out in the garden for 1/2 hour. She hates going out with us and refuses to go to the shops. She will reluctantly go out if we are going somewhere nice, she's be quite happy to never go out at all. The only other place she will willingly go is her nan's house, which is next door but one. Another problem is her tioleting, she has never gone to the tiolet for a poo, she has to start it in her pants first. We have tried everything. Tiolet training at first was a real struggle and she wasn't dry until nearly 4 yrs old.

With all this evidence in mind the pyschologist came up with a working diagnosis of high functioning autism. So although she is sure that Lucy has a form of autism she will need continous assessment until we have a definate diagnosis.

Pneumonia

2011-07-12T21:44:00.000+01:00

Leila has now been diagnosed with pneumonia. Last week I took her to the drs 3 times, on Monday I was told her chest was clear and she probably had a virus. On Thursday when I complained she was tired all the time because of the coughing keeping her awake I was given a bottle of cough linctus. Saturday, the dr said her chest was clear but thought she needed an xray and gave me a letter for the hospital.
So yesterday I took her to the hospital radiography department and she had her xray. When sent like this the xray is usually sent to your GP and you have to go and see them in about 5 days for the result. This time the radiographer told us to take her to the GP straight away and sent her xrays immediately. So we knew something was up. The dr said she had bi-lateral inflammation of the bronchi (bronchitis) and masses on both lungs which indicated pneumonia. So my little girl is really poorly. We've been given some strong anti-biotics and have to go back for a follow up xray.
Leila has been coughing since just after Christmas. I've taken her to the dr so many times. She had anti-biotics which did nothing to help. Then the dr thought it must be asthma and gave her a reliever inhaler (Ventolin). It helped a little at first but then she got bad again, so two weeks later she was given a second preventive inhaler. This didn't seem to have much affect at all.
I'm not a dr so I don't know what has happened for her to get so bad, but I do think she has asthma (Craige had asthma as a child too) and she's been getting infections one after the other on top of it.
I've been carrying on as normal thinking it's just asthma and we need to carry on as it will be with us for years. I've been sending her to nursery, which has been ok mostly but last week she was just getting more and more poorly. Now, I'm going to keep her home and try to get her better.

School Day Trips

2011-07-08T22:37:00.001+01:00

This week it was the girls school day trips and they were both going to the seaside, Weston-Super-Mare. Only Lucy went on Wednesday and Leila went to today. To keep down costs we decided one parent to go with each. Lucy chose daddy so I was with Leila.
I'll start with our trip today. First off I found out that the two friends I speak to most at the school were not going so I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Never mind I though, me and Leila can have some special time together, and I was sure we wouldn't be on our own all day. Little did I know that I would be the only person who did not take someone else along. So ok it was just me and Leila then, we could still have fun couldn't we?

We arrived at lunch time during a torrential downpour, so we ran into a shelter and had our picnic. Then we hopped from shelter to shelter to get to the pier, but still ended up like drowned rats, literaly dripping wet. The pier was ok, Leila went on a few of the little rides and it was warm and dry. But Leila really wasn't her usual bubbly self and kept asking me to pick her up. I was dying for a coffee but the queue was long and Leila was bored, so I thought we'd go and see if it had stopped raining.Yeah! it had

So off to the beach for a donkey ride....Leila looks over the side of the pier and says 'wow, what a big muddy pond!'

We get to the beach and Leila starts screaming for me to pick her up. The sand is wet and sticky like mud and we've got sandles on. Leila hated it. I carried her to the donkeys and we got into a train being pulled by a horse. The ride along the beach was lovely, the sun shined and we both enjoyed it.....that was the best 5 minutes of the day.

After I carried her back to the pavement, all the time she was screaming 'carry me', but I was carrying her, but she still carried on screaming. So I put her down and she screamed more, so I picked her up and she screamed still, I sat her on a chair, I sat her on my lap on a chair, I offered her food, drinks, sweets, ice cream, gifts, but I couldn't stop her crying. Eventually I went and sat with her in an empty shelter and waited for her to cry it out. Obviously she just wasn't feeling well.

Once calm was resumed I decided to continue my quest for a cup of coffee. There was a cafe nearby on the beach. I made a deal with Leila, I'd carry her to the picnic bench on the beach and she could wait there for me while I fetched a coffee. I offered her an ice cream but she refused. Once on the bench we spotted one of her little friends with a bucket and spade. She came over to Leila with her uncle and tried to entice Leila to play but it didn't work. So I sat and drank my coffee with Leila on my lap and managed a 10 minute chat with another adult. It had been sunny now for around 40 minutes so I guess the big black ominous cloud above us was a reminder that this was definately not going to be a beach day. I announced that I didn't fancy getting wet again and left for the shelter of the local town centre. We went to a little playground that I knew of, but Leila didn't want to play. Then the heaven's opened again so we went into the indoor market. It was crap but dry. I was bored, Leila just wanted to be hugged or carried, I couldn't think of anything else to do and it was another hour before time to go home.
We ended up in a cafe where I had a pot of tea and Leila had a plate of chips which she didn't touch (the waitress asked why and I told her she wasn't feeling too good so she didn't charge me for them) she sat colouring a picture and pen set I'd just paid £1 for in the market. We stayed there until it was time to get back on the coach.
The journey home was a nightmare 4 hours (should have been 2) we had a little girl fall down the steps of the coach and smash her face in, a mum go missing for 25 minutes while we were all waiting at the service station, turns out there was big queue at KFC (it was supposed to be a 10 minute tiolet stop) we had to have a second tiolet stop for one child who was desperate and despite the desperate please of the coach driver, everyone else child had to go pee urgently too (or rather the parents were desperate for a fag) We stayed on the coach, Leila didn't want to move. So we got home two hours late and totally miserable. I had a crap day, but I feel so bad that my little girl had such a terrible day too.

Graham's trip with Lucy hadn't been totally stress free either. He'd been placed in charge of a friends little girl who was really cheeky and naughty all day. But they did have the sunshine, and Graham had company all day when he teamed up with another mum.

The Quiet Birthday

2011-07-04T23:23:00.001+01:00

Today would have been my little brother's birthday had he still been alive.
His death has affected me so much but I can't talk to anyone.
I didn't speak to him for 8 yrs prior to his death, apart from the last few weeks of his life while together we watched our mum deteriorate quickly into her demise.
He did some bad things, some would say unforgivable. But I can't hate him now he's gone. He wasn't all bad, just wired up wrong. It's sad that there is no real cure. So yes, even though he turned my life upside down and caused me and my family incredible amounts of distress, I can still find it in my heart to forgive him. I still feel pain that he died in such a horrid and lonely way. I still miss him.

I miss him as the child I grew up with, not the man he became.

Birthday

2011-07-01T22:33:00.000+01:00

Over the next eight weeks we have four family birthdays, so a very busy birthday time for us.
This was eldest daugher's 22nd birthday and she was moody from the start. Last year as it was her 21st I wanted to make it special, but she didn't. Her dad came over from France, she hated him being here. I had a party, not a birthday party and not actually on her birthday but as it was a few days before everyone turned up with cards and gifts. She hated it. She complained all year. This year I tried to play it down. I mentioned a cake, she said no, then she agreed if she could help decorate it. So we made a cake the night before and it was fun.

On her birthday I took her out to lunch to Yo Sushi. That was good, we love sushi.
Then she got moody, and snappy, and then horrible.
WE ended up shouting at each other by the end of the day. I really didn't want to, but she left me no choice, there is only so much I can endure.
The cake was nice though (Chocolate)

Family Fun Day

2011-06-20T21:59:00.000+01:00

Father's Day and Family Fun Day at the University....and we actually had fun.
We got to the university at about 12pm, the girls wanted to go straight to the fair. Everything was free, including entry and the fair rides. The girls went on the Helter Skelter first, I went up with them. Lucy didn't hesitate jumping on her mat and going down. Leila was a little scared as we were so high, so I went down with her. She loved it. They also went on a bouncy castle and had a go at Hook A Duck before getting hungry. There were lots of places to eat but everywhere was crowded so we went to the Student's Guild and ordered baked potatoes and chips from the bar, I also bought Graham a pint because it was Father's Day.
There was so much to do and not enough time so we had to choose from all that was on offer. Graham had a go at clay pigeon shooting, I had a go at acting in a scene from Doctors, the girls did some digging for dinosaur bones. Then there was just enough time to go back to the children's area in the guild for face painting, bouncy castle, arts and crafts. Sadly the girls didn't get around to the face painting as the queue was too long, but they still had fun.
We left about 4.30pm and everyone was happy. All it had cost was our bus fare and the money for the food and drink at lunch time, which was a lot less than what we would spend in Mc Donalds.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

2011-06-16T20:31:00.000+01:00

I'm so fed up of my big kids today, they are selfish and spiteful and I can't believe that I brought them up, I went wrong somewhere.
Without going into too much detail, big daughter was really mean to Lucy at breakfast time because she's not quite got the hang of holding a spoon properly and was making a mess with her cereal. It doesn't help that the younger one Leila can eat perfectly well, but it's out of order for her to start calling Lucy stupid and retarted. She made Lucy cry and I had to intervene ( I hadn't been in the room when it started but could hear what was going on) She did apologise to Lucy afterwards, but it was all totally uncalled for and something she does too frequently.
To make up for her meanness early big daughter came home from work with doughnuts. A bag for her and big son, and a bag for the girls. Big son come down and said "why did you buy 'them' doughnuts?" To which she replied "well they were 70p a bag or 2 for £1"
So big son says, "well you could have saved both bags for us"
grrrrrrr, how mean! They barely ever think of the girls anyway, they don't get birthday cards or presents, or anything at christmas, now he's begrudging them a few doughnuts.
Then there is the money issue, always a problem.
I asked big daughter for her rent and she says she can't pay this week because she's just bought herself a tv for her room. So that means I have to use my weekend food money to pay her share of the rent. Big son pipes up, "you can lend it off me and I won't pay you next week!"
OH THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
So we'll go without food next week too because SHE can't pay her way!!!

How did they get like this? I really don't know, but I must be to blame.

23 years ago.....

2011-06-10T21:47:00.000+01:00

I was having a little break from looking after my firstborn son and left him with my mum. My older brother got his video camera out and filmed him. I think he was about 4 months old. The video is just over 4 minutes long and 3 of those is just focused on a finger sucking baby in his carrycot in the window along with some iffy music (the music is ok just the recording iffy) Then for the last minute there is footage of my mum who I lost Christmas 2008, my little dog Sam who I lost March 1989 and the voice of my youngest brother who I lost New Year 2009. Precious little snippets that I didn't know I had.

I had seen the video before but forgotten about it. My older brother transferred it to cd in 2002 and gave it to me. I know I watched it but it probably gave me different feelings then as in 2002 I wasn't in contact with my mum and hadn't seen her for two years.

Anyway, I've uploaded the video to YouTube to share for a while
http://youtu.be/qkgBEH2TCjg

Why Men Can't Shop*

2011-05-27T15:30:00.000+01:00

I stopped sending my other half to the shops for me a long time ago, I got fed up of him getting the wrong things, paying too much for things, buying things I haven't asked for and then forgetting to give me the change. I just couldn't afford to send him anymore....but on Sunday Joseph was poorly and I really wanted to stay home with him so I wrote a list.

Lamb (it's on special offer but if they haven't got any left then get a chicken) Don't spend more than £6
2 packets of biscuits, 1 custard creams, 1 bourbons
bread
sugar

Easy peasy eh!

Not so! As he was leaving he could plainly see that I was getting Joseph to sleep.
5 minutes after he left the phone rings waking Joseph up.
HIM "they've got no lamb left"
ME "do they have chicken?"
HIM "yes"
ME "well get the chicken then, I've got to go now Joseph is screaming his head off after the phone woke him.

5 minutes later, I'd just managed to stop Joseph screaming.
HIM "Do you want me to try somewhere else for the lamb?"
ME "No, it's not on special offer anywhere else, just get the chicken"

So he gets home with a £4 chicken, cheap? yes, big enough? no
2 packets of biscuits, 1 custard creams, 1 garibaldi (I'm the only one in the house that likes garibaldi and I'm on a diet)
sugar
bread
bottle of coke
packet of baccy
no change!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

*disclaimer, I'm sure there are men out there that are able to shop, I've just not met one yet.

Random Thoughts

2011-05-10T22:27:00.001+01:00

Invisible- I've felt invisible all my life, at home, at school, online, now. I'm the one who lurks in the background and is always remembered at the last minute, if at all. Mostly it doesn't bother me, I don't crave attention all the time. Sometimes I do crave attention though and it feels wrong to do so, like I'm forcing people to notice me.

Mother- one of my greastest joys in my life is being a mother. It's also one of my greatest sadnesses. I love my kids so dearly but often feel as though I'm not doing a very good job. I try to be positive and look at what my kids have done right rather than wrong, but I do feel as though I've let the older ones down. I get told by them that I've let them down and that hurts. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have had any more kids as I'll only ruin their lives too. So much for having the patience of a saint and always, always putting my kids first and foremost above everything. I guess at times even everything is not enough.

Life achievements- as a family person I'm happy that I've spent my life raising my family (despite being unappreciated) I'm happy with my working life, I've enjoyed most of the jobs I've had and gained a lot from all of them. I'm happy with my education, I'd have liked a slightly better grade for my degree as I wanted to go further with my pyschology, but I worked hard for what I have and I'm definately not ashamed.

Regrets - I have a few. I wish I'd travelled more. I've never flown, never left the country, never had a passport even. Also, I've never owned my own home. I did come close once when I exercised my 'right to buy' my council home and had huge plans for home improvement, but then I had to give up my job before it was realised.

Love - is what I lack. I've never felt truly loved. Those I have dared to love have let me down with lies and cheating. No-one has ever completed me, no-one has ever made me feel loved, feel special. Now I feel so cold I don't think I want love anymore anyway.

What Is It With Thursdays?

2011-05-05T13:47:00.000+01:00

This morning we had a visit from the bailiffs. My mum would turn in her grave with the shame.

It all started about 18 months ago when Graham started a new job. When he signed off from Jobseekers he was given a form to sign to request 5 weeks continuation of rent and council tax benefit. So we didn't pay any rent or council tax for 5 weeks. It was months later that we learnt he wasn't entitled to the five weeks continuation because he hadn't been out of work for 6 months previously, and we were faced with a £600+ debt.

The rent is paid but the council tax was still ongoing. I was paying every month so I was surprised when I got a letter from the Bailiffs saying that I hadn't been keeping up with the payments and unless I paid the full amount they would be around to collect. I owed £298 (I'm pretty sure the original bill was less than that?) Anyway, I made some calls and apparently even though I'd been paying monthly I hadn't been paying on the correct day and I'd paid 3 days late 3 months in a row so my account had been handed over to the bailiffs. Perhaps if they had let me know I was supposed to be paying on a particular day every month I would have been more meticulous with the payments.
After being transferred to someone else I made another arrangement to pay £51 a month for the next 6 months, the payments had to be made on the same date every month. I've paid 3 months now so I was suprised when the bailiffs turned up, well completely shocked more like.

So I argued, showed my receipts, and the man was actually quite nice about it. He could see my mistake. I'd been paying the money to the council tax office when I should have been making it to the bailiffs. Perhaps someone should have told me that in the beginning? After another call I discovered that when they transferred me to someone else on my last call to the council tax office they had actually transferred me to the bailiffs office so it was with them I'd made the agreement of payment. I hadn't known that?

Anyway, the bailiffs left with nothing and I just have to continue my payments to the correct office, with the addition of some extra fees....£160 extra fees!!

Where is that bloody lottery win?

2011-04-23T20:41:00.000+01:00

Thursday was a bad day, it started bad and ended bad but in completely different ways. Throughout the day I had arguments with Cassie, Craige and Graham. I had a miserable teething baby who just wouldn't shut up. I lost my tv and internet for several hours, which is unthinkable in our house. Then finally when all was peaceful I settled to watch a dvd I'd been waiting to watch and the bloody thing wouldn't work.

I don't think I've had more than four hours of sleep all week and sometimes I think I'm going crazy Im so tired.

On Friday I decided I had to get out, so I rustled up a picnic and me and Graham took the girls for a walk to feed the ducks and paddle in a stream. We were out for 3 hours with no arguing or moaning and it was all really nice. Of course when we got back Graham was suffering from withdrawel symptoms and went straight around his mums.

This morning I woke up feeling really down. I can't even explain why, I just felt that I couldn't go on anymore and that everyone would be much happier without me. I figured the little ones would do better to lose me now than to risk growing up anything like me. I feel my time is fast running out and I've achieved so little.

Then I came to my senses and had a good cleaning and ironing session while Joseph had a nap. Made me feel much better. The rest of the day hasn't been too bad. Hey I even got extra change in the supermarket, how often does that happen. I know, if I was a honest person I'd have given it back as soon as I realised but it meant I could afford Easter eggs for the girls so sod the Co-Op!

A Day In the Life

2011-04-20T21:55:00.001+01:00

Not so much a day in the life, but my life in general.

At this time Joseph is the biggest part of my life, he takes up most of my time and steals most of my sleep. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't even think straight. I long for him to start sleeping through the night, but at the same time I'm just so used to not sleeping I don't think I would be able to sleep anyway even if he did.
He is so gorgeous though, I'd forgive him anything. I just love everything about him. He's turned my life upside down but I wouldn't be without him, he was sent for a reason and I love him so much.

I'm convinced that Lucy has Asperger's syndrome even though she doesn't have an official diagnosis yet. So far life with her is easy so long as we don't try to get her to do anything new. She's a good girl really, and easy to look after. I know things will probably get more difficult, I know with my eldest son that his problems didn't really start until he reached his pre-teens. At least having been through it once I know what to expect now. I just hope she doesn't suffer much prejudice or persecution.

Leila is a sweetie, she really makes me laugh sometimes, she's the family clown. She is very demanding though, she can't go five minutes without asking me for something, and it's usually something to eat. She is jealous of Joseph, which is understandable, but you can see she loves him too.

Cassie is currently my biggest problem. She is undergoing assessment for Bi-Polar. Her mood swings are really difficult to live with. She has a high rise bed so you can hear her drop down from it when you are downstairs, and often that sound alone is enough to put me on edge. I have no idea what to expect from her when she gets downstairs, and even if it's not bad it can change in a instant. I'm playing it by ear, I've put up with it for years but still don't know how to deal with her. She's still alive so I suppose I've done something right. I worry about her so much it makes me feel ill.

Craige is currently going through quite a peaceful stage in his life, we rarely have those huge temper tantrums he used to have regularly, his mood is fairly predictable. Of course his little idiosyncrasies can be annoying at times but I've had plenty of time to get used to him know. I do know how to deal with him. (Although there was that incident a couple of weeks ago at 3am, *sigh*)

Graham is out of work and depressed, or something! Our relationship has taken a nose dive because he has become incredibly moody. Sometimes I don't know who is worse out of him and Cassie. And they clash with each other too, with me in the middle. He still spends more time around his mum's house than he does at home, he still stays up until 3 or 4am, he still has little regards for my feelings and doesn't know how to say sorry. He still says he loves me but I don't believe him anymore. I don't know what we are doing together we just bring each other down all the time.

And me? I still do everything around the house, I still have to manage the household finances on my own, I have to keep the peace, I have to please everyone, I have very little time to myself, I am running out of dreams and hopes, I'm so tired I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm so worried I get scared to think.

I often think they would all be better off without me.
I often think they wouldn't cope at all without me.

The Smile

2011-04-20T21:26:00.000+01:00

I looked for him across the crowd and when I saw him he was already staring at me.

Then he smiled, such a warm and friendly smile, a genuine smile that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And I smiled back, not just with my face but from deep within, from the warm and fuzzy feeling he'd given to me.

Then I looked away.

Losing My Memory

2011-04-11T21:24:00.000+01:00

I seem to be having trouble with my short term memory. Surely I am too young for it to be an age thing? My long term memory is fine, it's everyday things I'm having problems with and sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy. I'm always writing stuff down, working things out on good old tradtional paper, but sometimes I read something I've written and I don't have a clue what I was thinking of at the time. I'm hoping it's a temprorary hitch, perhaps related to this low patch I've been going through.

Wasting Away!

2011-03-25T21:06:00.000Z

I've never had to diet. I'm tall, 5ft 8" and have always been in proportion. As a teenager I was skinny but I put on a lot of weight with my first baby (four stone!!) and I've never been skinny since. I lost a lot of weight after my second baby and managed to stay fairly slim for a long time.

Just before trying for my third baby, some 16 years later I had started to put on a little weight and was around 7lb heavier than usual. Then I had three babies in 5 years and now I am overweight. I know Joseph, my youngest, is only (almost) 8 months old but I thought I'd be at least my pre-pregnancy weight by now but it's not happening.

Although I've never dieted I have been more careful about what I eat at times, and I've done exercise regimes from time to time. Now I'm having to get working on losing this weight and getting back to being normal.

I have another one and a half stone to lose and have set myself a target of the end of May, that's nine weeks so I need to lose just over 2lb a week. I'm hoping it won't be difficult, I'll let you know how I get on.

Hippy, Goth, Rock Chic Geek

2011-03-19T21:44:00.000Z

I've never really fitted into any specific genre completely, I'd like to think I had a particular identity but I'm more like a bit of this and a bit of that.

The hippy in me is the part that loves anything New Age, I'm into meditation and crystals and would love to live a free and easy life away from the city. I don't have much free time now but there was a period of my life where I felt I was really into all of this.

The Goth in me is the part that is fascinated by dark fantasies in particular Vampires, Werewolves and other supernaturals. I also love wearing black (When I'm not having a pink day) I love the way Goths go way over the top in their dress and make up, and I'd much rather be pale and dark haired than tanned and blonde.

The Rock Chic is self explanatory. I love rock music. I'm a big fan of all music really, even classical and opera, but if I had to choose just one genre above the rest it would be rock. I like blokes with long hair too but I've never dated one.

I have no problems admitting to being a Geek, so long as you realise I don't do freaky circus acts! I am into technology and education, I was considered a swot at school and a bookworm, but I was never bullied. I'm also into science fiction to a certain degree and I get obsessive over things.

I have no dress sense, I'm most happy in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and no they don't have to be branded or designer. I'd like to wear dresses and heels more often but they are not practical with three little ones to look after and to be honest I go with comfort over fashion.

I've never had much idea about what to do with my hair either, being naturally mousey and straight. When I was younger I would have it permed and backcombed, anything to stop it from looking straight. Then I went through a stage where it was always tied up. In my 30's I decided to go blonde for the first time, and I hated it, I couldn't wait for it to grow out. When straight hair became fashionable I was happy for the first time. I need just a few seconds to straighten out a couple of loose strands and I'm fitting in. My biggest bugbear now is having to dye my hair to cover the grey.

I don't wear make-up. Sometimes I'll slap on a little tinted moisturiser, lip balm and eye liner, but it has to be a special occasion before I apply anything else. I do actually enjoy 'making up' but I don't like cleaning it all off, and I don't often have to the time to do it anyway. At present I'm still waiting for the chloasma from my last pregnancy to fade properly, at it's worst it looked like a really bad 80's foundation application, you know the sort that ends at the edge of your face leaving your throat white while the rest of your face is brown. Last summer everyone thought I was tanned, but I don't leave the house without a smothering of sun block!

Things can only get better

2011-03-11T21:18:00.000Z

Have you ever thought well things just can't get any worse? I was there last week, then things got worse, and keep on getting worse, I've stopped hoping for them to start getting better now and accepted that this is a really rough patch that I'm just going to have to get through. Forever the optimist I know what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. (Shouldn't I be made of steel by now?)

I don't want to get into it all but it's not just one thing that's getting me down but everything, relationships, money, health, children, the house, the car etc etc. And the world around me is shockingly tragic, even things that have nothing to do with me personally are affecting me. Last week a little girl died in my street, I didn't know her but her tragic death has had me grieving for her and her poor family, the flowers outside are a daily reminder of the tragedy. Then while in the local supermaket the other day a lady collapsed and died. I didn't know her either, what a sad way to go in the aisle of the Co-Op.

Then there is the cruel acts of nature in Australia, New Zealand and now Japan, such tragedy, so much loss, so much sadness. I'm not directly affected but feel the sadness so deeply. And there is so much war, so much tragic loss on a daily basis, so many families and homes destroyed by man, is there anything more awful.

I'm trying to find glimmers of hope and happiness but it's so hard right now.

A little Shock

2011-02-25T21:04:00.001Z

My daughter today told me today that she had been making plans for leaving home. She starts a new job on Monday on a six month contract from which she is going to save as much as possible of her wages. That won't be difficult it's not like she spends much anyway. A friend of hers has just moved to Brighton and is currently flat sharing. He is going to look for a new flat in the next six months so that my daughter can go and share with him. She will be looking for jobs in Brighton before her contract ends. A real plan.
I don't know if she will go through with it but it's really knocked me for six. She really does drive me up the wall sometimes and we've had plenty of heated moments where I've told her to go. Now that seems like something that might happen I find I don't want to lose her. Of course she needs to get on with her life and she seems like she's working things out properly, but Brighton seems such a long way away, I was kind of hoping she'd live nearby so she could come and bother me regularly. I at least expected to continue doing her washing.

Repressed Memory

2011-02-06T20:54:00.000Z

It was November 8th 1973. My daddy had gone off to do the night shift at British Layland and my aunt and nan had come to visit us. We had run out of sugar for the tea so mum sent me and my cousin Angela to the outdoor (an offlicence that sold groceries too) just up the road. It was already dark but we didn't mind, we were like best friends as well as cousins.

When we got back there was a police car outside my house and our neighbour Joan was outside ready to intercept us. We were taken into her house and sat in the living room. It was the first time I'd been in her living room although I'd spent lots of time in her garden playing with her son Timmy and I'd been in the kitchen for drinks and snacks, but never in the living room before. I held tightly on to the packet of sugar willing myself not to put my finger through it and make a mess. I was so nervous. I handn't a clue what was happening and nothing was said. Then we were told we could go home, I don't know how long we'd been there but Joan and her husband David had watched an episode of Crossroads and made a cup of tea. Angela and I didn't speak to each other, it was quite surreal.

Then, nothing! I've tried but I just can't remember what happened next. I don't remember leaving that living room or going home. I don't remember Angela going home, seeing my mum, going to bed, nothing, it's all a complete blank.

How can I remember so much detail after so long, and remember it as if I was still there? I can even remember how I felt all knotted up inside knowing something was wrong but not knowing what it was. Yet, I don't remember anything else at all after I left Joan's house to go home.

I guess that's what you call a repressed memory?

I won't keep you in the dark. What had happened was my lovely daddy had died on the way to work.

Can't let it out

2011-02-01T21:59:00.000Z

I've been trying for ages to write a post. I write it all down and then scrap it. I guess I'm not ready to share just yet.
Things haven't changed at home, I doubt they ever will.
I think I'm not a very good mum, I really haven't done a good job with my eldest and now I worry for my little ones. Will I learn from experience?
I'm little fed up at the moment

Holding it off!

2011-01-18T21:13:00.000Z

Sometimes I can feel it trying to tap in, it wants me so badly, it wants to take me down to that dark place where my thoughts and feelings get taken over by stuff I don't want in my head. But I'm fighting it, it's business as usual on the outside. Cassie said today I'd been horrible lately, but that's just her, I've not said or done anything she's just feeling guilty for not doing something I've asked her too. Well, that's done now so she'll probably see me as normal again now.
The big kids, who are no longer kids but you can't believe it the way they act, are driving me nuts lately. Surely it's time they grew up now. I love them to bits but sometimes I really don't like them much.
Graham has been driving me nuts too. He continues to behave in the ways that he knows annoy or upset me, it doesn't matter what I say or do it makes not difference.
Graham and the big kids are constantly bickering with each other over anything and everything, and I'm stuck in the middle. I used to try and keep the peace, I don't have the energy anymore.
What's the point?
No-one ever listens to me anyway.
I just cook and clean and wash the clothes. And take care of the little ones. And pay all the bills. And do all the shopping. And run an on demand taxi service.

But - I don't do anything right. I lose socks, I don't keep up with the ironing (Family of 7) my cooking is crap, I'm useless with money and my taxi is always late.

And I don't keep the house clean enough even though I'm the only one (Apart from Leila) who knows how to put things IN the bin (as opposed to on top of the bin, next to the bin, behind the bin, on the floor by the bin, or even just on the floor)

I used to do things a lot better, but somehow lately I've got slower and worse. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having three under 6 to look after?

So that's me right now, feeling low and worthless. I could go on about my money worries, about how my house is too small and really getting me down, but the truth is I'm tired of complaining. I know some people have it worse. I've been through worse and out the other side. So I'll shut up now.

Taking it's toll

2011-01-03T21:42:00.000Z

Why does grief have to be so consuming? Time doesn't heal grief, that's a myth. I think the only plus point is that you feel it less frequently as time goes on, but it still hurts just as much when you do feel it.
This Christmas has been harder on me emotionally than last, as I suspected it must have been the pregnancy hormones last year that got me through. If it wasn't for the little ones I don't know if I'd bother with Christmas at all.
I went to the grave yesterday, it would have been mum's 80th birthday, and today is the second anniversary of Simeon's tragic death. I went alone with the only gift I can give, flowers, even though I knew there would be no space to place them. There were even more wreaths on there than on Christmas Eve, I think every family member and friend went there this year. While I stood there and thought of my mum and dad, my nan and my brother all there together I wanted to be there too. Wherever there is, if there even is a there, it has to be better than here right now. I miss my family so much, but I can't leave my little ones without their mummy can I. Can I?

Christmas Day

2010-12-25T21:58:00.000Z

Well, it's that time of year again, I don't know if Christmas day will ever be the same again, I just can't get through without thinking of mum and how she left me. I can't believe it was two years ago, it feels like yesterday, it hurts like yesterday, the pain never lessens.

I went to the cemetery yesterday, the first time I'd managed all week because of the snow. I went on my own and had a good chat with mum. The grave was covered with so many wreaths that they were mostly standing upright as there was no room for them to lie flat. A sign of a grave full of people sorely missed and greatly loved. It made my heart warm to see wreaths for my brother too. It also made me sad because he believed that no-one would ever be there for him and it is proof that he was wrong.

Anyway, sadness aside it's been a good day today. We got up around 6.30am when the little ones all seemed to stir at the same time. The girls were so excited when they saw all the presents Santa had left them. We soon got into an uwrapping frenzy, even little Joseph was buried in gifts.

Dinner was good, although I felt like I was in the kitchen most of the day. Everyone ate all they were given except Lucy. She probably would have been happier with chicken dippers! She did eat her vegetables though. We even managed pudding, traditional for me and Graham, chocolate for the others.

The girls have been good 99% of the day, not bad going really. Joseph is still not well so he's been a bit moody at times, and tonight he was very sick again. I hope he will get better soon.

My friend didn't make it out of hospital which is sad. I hope she starts recovering soon, she must miss her little ones so much.

So that's another Christmas day over, is it really worth all the effort put into it? Well, the girls faces when they got up this morning was enough to make me say yes. There is nothing like little ones who still believe in Santa at Christmas time, magical

Christmas Time

2010-12-22T21:17:00.000Z

Last week was the girls last week of the year at school. Leila had done most of her christmas things the week before, like her Christmas party and they had a panto. It was a good job because she got sick on the Sunday night and didn't go to school Monday or Tuesday. I took her back on Wednesday and went to school with her in the afternoon to do some bauble decorating, but she didn't look well and got sick again when we were home so no school for the rest of the week.
Lucy went to school and enjoyed her Christmas party and she did one show of the nativity play, but then she got sick too and had to stay home the last two days. I didn't get to see her nativity because of Leila being sick. I was gutted. I had planned to go to the second show but Lucy didn't make it.
Joseph was also poorly so I had a nightmare of a week, stuck indoors with poorly miserable children and they are still not well now. Just as I think they are improving they start getting worse again. Mostly Leila and Joseph, Lucy seems to be holding it off better. Fingers crossed they are well by the end of the week or we'll be in for a moody Christmas.

This week I had lots of plans, we were going to the Frankfurt market in town, visiting Santa's grotto, visiting family and going to the cemetary. The shopping was sorted online and delivery slot booked, and all presents bought and ready for wrapping. I thought it was going to be a breeze. But then came the snow, and it snowed and snowed. Then it stopped snowing but it's been freezing so it's just not going away. We haven't been out anywhere that I'd planned, and the shopping delivery was cancelled. I had to brave the icy roads to go and get some food. Not the week I'd imagined/planned for at all.

But then something happens that puts things into perspective and makes me feel guilty for complaining. My dear friend is in hospital with pneumonia. She has two young children left at home in the care of her grown up son. She has a grown up daughter but she's really poorly too. I hope and pray that she will be well enough to be home again with her children for Christmas.

Still freezing

2010-12-09T22:57:00.000Z

One week later and we are still without heating, even our old gas fire is refusing to work. Temperatures here have dropped to -8C at times and I hate feeling cold. I can't get in touch with the engineer despite leaving several messages. The worst is getting up in the night with Joseph, I just can't get warm. I've been putting the gas cooker on in the kitchen and going in there when the cold gets too much. It's a nightmare!

On a completely different subject, since having Joseph we've had his pushchair in the lie down position and we got to wondering how you made the seat sit up. I tried to work it out, then Graham had a go and together we were trying for about 1/2 hour. We then decided that their was a piece missing and began hunting for said piece. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had a vague memory of being able to sit the pushchair up when I first bought it, and this memory held nothing of a part which I'd removed, or even could be removed. So this evening I got the pushchair out to have another go and guess what? I did it!

So what did I do that was so difficult we couldn't work it out?

I lifted the seat upright until it clicked into position.

Seriously, that's all we had to do. Then you press a little plastic clip on each side and it lies back down again. So simple....so what does that make us? Stooooopid!

Anyway, Joseph's not ready to sit up just yet :-)

Another completely different subject (I'm all over the shop tonight) Lucy came home with a letter from school that she'd written herself. It was an invitation to see her in the school nativity play.
It was addressed to Daddy and Grandad.
I felt heartbroken.
I asked her why I wasn't invited and she said I had to stay home to look after Joseph as no-one wanted a crying baby in the audience.
Why couldn't daddy look after Joseph? Or even nanny or grandad?

Freezing!

2010-12-01T22:56:00.000Z

I think most the country can relate to my title today, this weather has taken us all by surprise, snow already! I'm doubly freezing as the central heating has broken down, and apparently I'm not alone as it's taken forever to get someone to fix it due to the large number of breakdowns. We did have the initial visit within a couple of hours after my call but he needed a part and had to go away and order it....and he's not come back yet...maybe tomorrow...please!

I've been neglecting this blog recently, not knowing what to write. Two years ago I was going through such a traumatic time this blog became my crutch, a place of release where I could put down all my feelings, I truly understood the meaning of blogtherapy (ok it's a made up word, but it does make sense)

Now, well in comparison I feel like Mrs Boring Boredom of Boringville. Just another mum going about her daily business. I'm not complaining though, I never want to go through any thing like that again, it still hurts so much now, especially this time of year when it was all beginning. I got through last year high on new pregnancy hormones, this year I'm more worried, scared that I'm not going to survive the holiday season while at the same time scared that I might actually enjoy it. And I don't know which is worse.

Slowly returning to normality

2010-11-12T21:37:00.000Z

Well Joseph is now 3 months old, he's so easy to look after I'm really lucky. He's not sleeping through the night yet but I've not slept through the night for years so what does that matter. He's just adorable but it's all going way too fast.

Life is getting back on track, looking after three little ones is not so bad, in fact I sometimes think looking after the big ones is harder, I just can't please them.

Leila has settled in well at nursery and she really loves it, problem is she's also picking up some of the less desirable behaviours of the other children. One of the things I really don't like about schools, you spend all your time teaching your child how wrong it is to hit and scratch and punch, but then they go off to school and see other kids doing it and go ahead and copy. *sigh*

I've had a meeting with Lucy's teachers and taken her to the drs where she has been referred to a child pyschologist for assessment.

Clever Girl

2010-11-02T21:57:00.000Z

Today I was on the computer with Lucy showing her where I lived and grew up on Google Streetmap. She asked me to show her where Northfield was (where we go shopping sometimes) so I put her on the Bristol Road South (A38) and told her if she followed it along she would come to the shopping centre. So she did, then she turned left and followed that road. I asked her where she was going and she replied she was going to visit nanny. So I watched as she reached the end of the road, turned left and then turned right. Followed that road up and around and came to the church. She even found that she could zoom in on nanny's headstone (but you couldnt' read it)

I think she did really well, I doubt her daddy wouldn't have found it so easily.

I also think it's so nice that she remembers nanny, and knows where she is.

I just wish that nanny could see her and her sister and brother now.

And a month goes by....

2010-10-22T22:08:00.000+01:00

Sorry my poor neglected blog for taking so long to update you.

Things have been a little hectic with having a baby and a shop to look after. Both are doing well.

Today I want to go back in time some 17 years. My eldest son was settling in school and doing well, so I thought. That was until his teacher called me to one side and suggested that he was having difficulty mixing with the other children. He wasn't unhappy, he just preferred to spend time on his own. Also, he would drift off into a world of his own and sometimes it was difficult to reach him. His school work was fine and above average, but he couldn't cope with changes of routine, and he also had problems with dexterity, particularly in dressing himself. The teacher suggested that I do him to see a psychologist to see if there was an underlying problem.

I was angry, upset, confused and a whole heap of other emotions. Of course I had noticed there was something 'different' about him, I just didn't want anybody else to notice, and I didn't want it pointed out to me. I ignored the teacher and paid for my stupidity later when he really had problems at school. He was 12 yrs old when he was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism.

Now back to the future. Lucy's teacher is saying the same about her.

Had I noticed? Yes.
Am I going to something about it? I guess I should learn by my mistakes.
Is my heart heavy? yes.

Keeping busy

2010-09-21T22:29:00.000+01:00

My eldest brother came to visit last Friday evening. He seemed a little strange, very quiet, but he said he wasn't feeling well and had been off work with a cold. After he left I felt worried so I called his grown up son for a chat. Half hour later his son called me back to say that my brother had tried to take his own life but my niece had found him and called an ambulance. He survived.

I hate to think that my brother felt so low. Unfortunately there has been no improvement in the situation that drove him to this act so I am constantly in a state of worry. History has taught me that I'm not much good at preventing people from taking their own lives, it's not something readily taught but I'd willingly take lessons.

On a lighter note:

On Tuesday's my eldest son has to go into town for a group meeting. I took him to the station this morning and only when he called me 45 minutes later did I realise that I had taken a phone call last week saying that this weeks meeting was cancelled....oooops! So he decided to do a little shopping and only when he called him half hour later did I remember that I had his debit card in my purse after using it the weekend and forgetting to give it him back...oooops again! So I went to pick him up and expected him to be really upset with me, but he wasn't so that was a nice surprise. It goes to show how much he has changed over the years, in fact it's hard to believe how stressed and violent he used to be, he never went out alone and the slightest upset would end up with the whole family paying for it. I feel quite proud of him now. I'm also happy that we didn't go down the medication route to improvement, most of it has come from him joining Aspire (Autism West Midlands)

To make up for my earlier mistakes I took him shopping and he bought himself a new Playstation3. We now have two working models, one for upstairs, one for downstairs and 1 broken one.

Sleep Is For The Weak!

2010-09-13T12:30:00.000+01:00

Well, my little man might be adorable but he doesn't have very long sleeping patterns and I'm thinking he is the worst baby so far, and Leila took some beating, believe me.

It's strange to see how differently the girls react to him. Leila adores him and constantly wants to touch him and kiss him. Lucy just can't be bothered. I'm not sure why, maybe Lucy is less interested because she's been through it all before with Leila? Maybe it's the ages? Maybe Leila is the way she is because she is jealous? Should I get my old pyschology books out and go over sibling rivalry again?

With Joseph around life has become a cycle of feeding, changing, sleeping (or trying to) and not much else. It's still early days though so maybe things will get a little more interesting again around here and I'll have more to write about.

I do try and work on my shop as often as I can so please do take a look, I've lots of lovely new stock.
Bump To Bundle

What happened to August?

2010-09-02T22:22:00.001+01:00

Oh my did I really make my last entry here at the end of July? Whatever happened to August, I can't believe I didn't update here at all, it's not as if nothing happened.
OK lets go back a few weeks. Just over four weeks ago I went to the hospital for a scan to see what my situation was regarding size of baby and amount of liquor surrounding him. They found the little blighter had done a bit of a turnaround and was now breach. Suddenly I found myself booked in for an elective Cesarean Section. On 9th of August at 9.50am my little man, Joseph Frederick Sweet was born by previously arranged operation. The operation was great, I honestly did not feel a thing and was suitably distracted from the fact that my insides where fully open and on display below the screen across my chest. The recovery was not so great, I never want to go through that again, not that I ever will.

Joseph is amazing, he's a proper little man and already looks so much like his daddy. He's not a good sleeper and he cries a lot, but he's a fantastic cuddly little bundle of sweetness.

pic time

1 day old

So, I had my baby and I've been more or less housebound until recently, but I did manage to fit in a birthday party for Lucy on 21st August. It was already planned and had I known when those plans were made that I'd be recovering from surgery I may have just planned the party a week or so later. Anyway, it went quite well thanks to all the help I got and Lucy had a great day. And I made the cake myself!

So August was busy and passed in a blur. It's scary thinking of the future, 3 birthdays in four weeks!!!

I hope you can forgive me for not writing sooner.

Birthday Girl

2010-07-29T16:47:00.002+01:00

Awww my baby girls is now 3 years old!! I know everyone says it but 'where does the time go?'

She got up to a few pressies and cards and immediatley got stuck in forgetting about breakfast. Her main present was a playhouse for the garden (which is a shared present with Lucy) but she had to wait for daddy to get up and build it. It didn't take long though and we were blessed with a beautiful sunny day (Even though the forcast was for rain)
Lunchtime her little friends arrived and as I'd planned a picnic they decided they wanted it in the playhouse. I couldn't manage a party (38+ weeks pregnant) but she did have lots of fun with her friends. We had a princess birthday cake and sang happy birthday while she blew out her candles.
She really enjoyed her day and when I took her to bed she had to go over everything that we had done, she was so excited.
Happy Birthday Leila, my precious little girl who does something that makes me smile/laugh every single day.

I love you so much xxx

Leila Ladybird

Leila's birthday picnic

New Dresses

2010-07-23T21:30:00.000+01:00

I reviewed a website for someone the other day and just completely fell in love with her little girls clothes. There was one dress in particular that I knew Lucy would love, she's crazy about elephants and it has a little elephant motif. It's a red polka dot dress, and when I saw it I just thought about how much my mum would have loved it, I can remember having a fair bit of red polka dot when I was a young child.

After ordering the dress for Lucy I decided it would only be fair to order Leila one too, hers is a gorgeous flowery print with a white top with two flowers and a butterfly, it truly is stunning. I love both of them and the girls love them too. (In fact I had a bit of a struggle to get them off after letting them try them on, but I want to keep them nice for Leila's birthday picnic next week.)

This is the site I bought them from http://www.minoredition.co.uk/

In other news, I've only got 17 days left of this pregnancy!! I've been having a few problems again and I'm back at the hospital on Monday for my tests results. Fingers crossed they were just being over precautious and everything is ok.

So next week it's Leila's 3rd birthday, where does the time go? She's off to nursery in September, full time, and Lucy will be in yr1 at school. I'll be busy at home with baby Joseph and my shop.

New Shop now Online

2010-07-14T12:49:00.000+01:00

Well I've been working hard, again, and now I have completely redone my shop and changed to a new server. Here it is Bump To Bundle. I'm really pleased with it. Now I can sell lots more stuff and I've already added new things like gorgeous baby bouquets made from baby clothing, I really love them and I'd be happy to get one as a gift.

I've also decided to sell Eurobambino highchairs because I really like them. And I'm looking to add baby toys and maybe a section on sibling gifts for the new arrivals brothers and/or sisters.

Doing all this has been a big distraction to the rest of my life which is just what I need right now. I like to be busy and the time is just flying by. I currently have just 26 days left of this pregnancy, no time at all really.

Lucy breaks up from school next week so things are going to be a bit different as I juggle trying to work online while looking after two toddlers and then a new baby pretty soon. Yep, the future looks pretty busy.

Growing Up

2010-07-07T12:47:00.000+01:00

It's transition day today, Lucy has been in yr 1 to meet her new teacher and see her new class and Leila has spent the morning at nursery where she will be going full time in September. They both seem happy, I can tell I'm going to have no problems with Leila. Of course now I'm thinking about how much sadder I'd be feeling about losing both my girls if Joseph wasn't arriving soon. They are growing so quickly.

If I wasn't pregnant then I'd be seriously considering returning to work. I'd love to go back to work, I'd do anything but I'd be really chuffed to get a job back at the university. I don't think I could leave a baby at home though, so I'll just have to wait a bit longer. My dream would be for my online shop to take off so well that I could actually get premises and run my own shop. Who knows, I'm usually quite optimistic so maybe it's something I could work towards.

I've been really busy working on the shop, I'm currently setting up a new website as the one I currently have doesn't fit my needs. So much for jumping in without much research, oh well, lesson learnt.

Another Birthday

2010-07-04T16:21:00.000+01:00

When I was around 16-17 yrs old I used to love taking out my little brother and a couple of my nieces and nephews. We would get a day saver ticket which could be used for both trains and buses and just go anywhere. One of our favourite places was Birmingham Airport. We would go to the viewing lounge and watch the planes take off and land and ride the monorail over and over.
The one day we decided just to take the bus into town. When we got there I realised we'd left my brother's coat on the bus. I was worried about what my mum would say when we got home and it put me in a mood for the day. A couple of hours later we caught the bus home and there right were we had left it was my brother's coat. The chances of catching the same bus were so minimal, it must have been my lucky day.

It all seems like a lifetime away now.

In memory of my brother who would have 37 today!

Happy Birthday Cassie-Ann

2010-06-30T14:54:00.000+01:00

21 years ago today I was blessed with my first beautiful daughter. She was a pure delight, a real angelic little baby who fed well and slept well right from the start. As she grew she had the most gorgeous blonde curls, both me and her dad were brown haired but mum had always said I was born with blonde curls and I never really believed her until I had Cassie-Ann. She was always a pleasant bubbly girl with lots of friends.
And now my little girl is a woman, it's almost too hard to believe. 21 years may seem like a long time, but it's not when you are watching your baby grow.

She probably won't read this but I wanted to dedicate this post to her. Her life has been troublesome at times but she's pulled through and I'm so proud of her. She has achieved loads but I know she can go further and have a wonderful future. It's what she deserves.

So happy birthday to my first daughter, I wish you everything you ever dreamed of, and I love you more than words can say.

Work Work Work

2010-06-22T15:44:00.000+01:00

Well, I've been incredibly busy working on my online shop. I've added new stock, made some changes to the site, done tons of promoting, made lots of new contacts, done tons of research, made a Facebook Fan Page, a Facebook shop to showcase stuff that doesn't fit into the shop and worked on my BTTradespace.
I'm also writing a blog about my venture.

In other news, the rest of this week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I have my ante natal appointment to see if little man is growing or not. They were a bit concerned about his growth last visit so fingers tightly crossed that he's ok.

Thursday my ex husband comes over from France for our daughters 21st Birthday next week. That will be two adult children that I have..eeek!

Friday I'm going to be busy with shopping and cleaning.

Saturday I'm having a BBQ party so there will be lots of preparation followed by a fun evening (hopefully) at least it looks like the weather is going to be nice. Probably so nice I won't be able to go outside as it will be too hot for me.

So this week will probably pass quickly and I'll be one week closer to meeting my little man. I can't wait to meet him, but I'm not willing him to come early. He's due at the perfect time (School holidays and inbetween other birthdays) so no rush. Just beginning to feel a little excitement now.

Football Fever!

2010-06-15T14:15:00.001+01:00

Nah, I'm joking, you won't catch me talking about the football, what's the World Cup anyway?

So instead I'll give you a rundown of the last week. Firstly, I'm still feeling a bit low, not as bad as I was but I've only got the hormones to blame.

My lovely brother and his wife have split up. She had a gastric bypass about 18 months ago and went from a size 20 to a size 10. Then she went and got herself a new boyfriend and kicked my brother out. It's the kids I feel for most, they are not taking it very well. I'm sure my brother will pick himself up, it's always hard at first but I honestly think they will be better off without each other in the long run. I just hope he doesn't go and do anything stupid, he's tried before.

Today my travel system turned up (7.30am) I've been stressing out so much about it, it's such a relief that it's finally here. I'm really pleased with it too.Ok it's not one of the fancier pushchairs, and I did have my eye on another one, but as I was about £400 short of the cost I had to make do. But it doesn't feel like making do because I'm happy with it.

I've been working so hard on my online shop Sweetbabylula but I've yet to reap any rewards. It's early days yet though so my fingers are crossed. I wish I could afford to pay for advertising but I can't yet, as soon as I've earned enough it will go on advertising so I can hopefully earn more. It's keeping me busy and distracted anyway, which is good.

I've been having a few more problems with my pregnancy but you can read about that in my pregnancy journal I'm feeling a little rough, but as long as baby is ok then I can cope.

ON Sunday we had a day out at the local farm open day. The sun was lovely and they had lots to see and do. The girls had a go on the bouncy castle, decorated cookies, played music and watched a very un-pc Punch and Judy show. We got home about 1/2 hour before the storms started!

So that's my week. This week I don't have much planned but next week my ex husband is coming over from France for our daughters 21st birthday. I'm having a BBQ a week on Saturday so fingers crossed for sunny weather.

Not a Great Day

2010-06-09T21:54:00.000+01:00

Today started at 4am when Graham came to bed and woke me and Lucy up. This is not a rare occurance and I've tried to talk to him about it, but all I get is empty promises and an empty bed until 4am. Anyway, this morning neither myself or Lucy could get back to sleep so we ended up getting up at 5am.

Then I have to run my eldest daughter to work and pick her up, my eldest son to work and pick him up, my OH to the jobcentre and back, visit the shops twice and do the school run in the pouring rain. I've barely had 5 mins to myself.
Then this afternoon I had my ante natal appointment and first find out that I have +4 blood and +2 protein in my urine. They've sent the sample for further testing and the mw will call me when the results come back.
Then she checks my blood results from 28 weeks and I'm anaemic 9.2, so I have to take iron tablets.

Then she has a feel of baby and measures my fundal height. I know it's not completely accurate but he's only grown 1cm in 3 weeks when he should have grown 3cm. So I have to go back in 2 weeks to see if he's back on track.

He is moving loads though, and head down (although not engaged yet) and his heartbeat was good and strong.

Then to top off my day, this evening Graham deserted me so I had to bath two very tired and stressed out kids (Lucy is a nightmare when she's tired and she'd been up since 4am and at school all day) get them ready for bed and take them to bed without his help. I had to phone him to come home so I could go and pick up my eldest from work. It's only a 1/2hour walk but there was a big storm and she would have been soaked through. When I got back I cooked her dinner, cleaned up (usually do this before girls go to bed but didn't get the chance tonight) washed up and sorted out the washing and clothes for tomorrow all while Graham sat watching the tv. After, I collapsed on the sofa and said I'd love a cup of tea, but he said sorry I promised John (his brother) I'd cut his hair and he just walked out. I know that's the last I'll see of him tonight.

Oh and I've just filed a dispute with Paypal because after buying a new travel system off Ebay I've not recieved it, and I've had no replies to any of my e-mails to the seller so it looks like I've been ripped off. If I don't get my money back I don't have any more to buy another one.

So I'm sitting here now feeling tearful and trying to tell myself that things could be much worse. I think I'll just go to bed and pray tomorrow is a better day.

New Venture

2010-06-06T13:33:00.000+01:00

I suppose you could say that now is not the time for me to be starting up a new business, but I've given it a lot of thought and I know I can do it. I'm starting up an online shop selling baby clothes. It will be pretty small to begin with but I have a lot of big ideas for some very original products in the future (when I will have more time and money.)

I've just sent my shop live and I would so appreciate anyone reading this to give it a look and any feedback would be most grateful. You could always use the contact form on the site so I can test that works too. And of course the shop is live now and I am able to take orders if anything takes your eye :-)

So here it is; SweetBabyLula

Fingers crossed for very few teething problems.

Also, I've started a new blog to record everything from now on. So if you might think this is something you'd be interested in doing then you can follow my progress. The blog is here

Now I just have to wait for those orders to start rolling in.

Where does the time go?

2010-05-26T22:12:00.001+01:00

I'm now almost 30 weeks pregnant, how did that happen? I can't believe how quick it's gone, I'm expecting the last 10 weeks to drag by, but to be honest, I have a feeling this baby is going to make an early appearance. He keeps giving me little frights which are all logged on my pregnancy journal.

Well, mood wise, I'm still a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There is too much going on in my head to even think of what I'm actually feeling, it's no wonder I'm so confused. Most of the time though I'm just focusing on my lovely children and getting by, and of course I'm looking forward to meeting my little man, I just hope it's not too soon.

We went to the Baby Show at the weekend, it was a long and tiring day but it went well. I was shattered when we got back, I sent Graham to the chip shop, watched Dr Who and went to bed with the girls.

Then on Monday I had to take my car (Vicky the V reg Vauxhall Vectra) for her MOT and lo and behold she passed!!! I'd already tapped my son for £300 and was praying it wouldn't cost any more. So for once I had reason to celebrate. And I rewarded Vicky with a good clean, that's the least she deserves. Who would have thought that my brother's last gift to me would keep going without any trouble for so long.

So that's my news for now. If I had decided to write this blog post this morning it probably would have turned out very different as I was in a foul mood, but right now I can hear my bed calling and the longing for sleep overpowers the mood swings.

Slowly Bouncing Back

2010-05-14T10:06:00.000+01:00

I'm still feeling pretty hormonal but I seem to be shifting that dark cloud that took over me last week.
I have a busy day today and already I'm feeling tired. I didn't get much sleep last night as Leila had an earache and kept waking up. I'm tiolet training her again at the mo. She was doing great before we went on holiday but it all went wrong while we were away. Firstly there was the train journey, I thought she would be ok as, although it was a long journey, there were tiolets. I took her to the toilet soon after the train started and she seemed quite happy to use it, then during the next two hours she wet herself twice and poo'd herself just 10 mins before we were due to get off. She got off the train in a nappy and a t-shirt. I was really stressed. Once in the caravan she showed interest in the tiolet but soon wet herself. So by the end of the second day I was fast running out of clothes for her so I bought some nappies. When we got back home things didn't get any better, she was point blank refusing to use the toilet. As I was already feeling down I left her for a week in nappies, but now we are starting again from scratch.

Yesterday I went and picked up a rocking crib for the new baby. It was bigger than I expected so we had to rearrange the bedroom. So now I have a constant reminder that there will soon be another family member.

Next week it's the Baby Show. I managed to get some free tickets and I've just got my Health in Pregnancy grant through, so it will be time to get the rest of the stuff for the baby. Although I'm thinking the pram/pushchair will have to wait a little longer.

Money is a big worry at the moment. Not only is Graham still out of work, but Cassie has now had her Jobseekers allowence suspended. They said she wasn't trying hard enough to find a job? She only sends off 3 to 5 job applications a week, what do they want her to do? I wish they would actually help her find a job, she does want to work so desperately, and I think it would do her good. Now she's stuck with no money and course fees of £135 per month to pay. I'm struggling to keep her for nothing, so there is no way I can afford her course fees as well. What a nightmare. Please everyone cross your fingers she gets a job soon.

BTW, she's only been claiming Jobseekers 3 months, she's not a scrounger.

Big Dipper!

2010-05-07T14:42:00.000+01:00

Well the last post was a roller coaster ride, now I'm on the big dipper and right in the dip.
The holiday was great, we had some lovely weather at the beginning of the week and stayed a few extra days despite the weather turning not so good. We had a really relaxing time and it was a real stress buster for me.
I haven't come home feeling relaxed though. I seem to be more stressed than ever and I'm not coping too well at all. Everything is just too much for me at the moment and with just over 13 weeks to go until Joseph's arrival I'm getting really panicky, when I believe I should be getting excited.
I'm sure I'll be on my way up again soon though, I have to be, I'm like a rubber ball, I keep bouncing back.

Hormonal Roller Coaster

2010-04-21T12:00:00.000+01:00

I'm up and down like a yo yo lately. I guess it's to be expected with the hormones running amok.
I'm really happy because I had a really good consultant appointment on Monday and it looks like all is going to be well with little man Joseph and me. I'm gettin excited now and can't wait to meet him. I'm a bit worried that I've not bought much, but there is plenty of time yet and I wanted to have a good spend at the BabyShow in May.

Also, I'm happy because it's getting closer to our holiday and I can't wait to just get away for a few days. I don't mind if it rains, I just want a change of scenery and pace. I'm already thinking I don't want to come home and I've not even gone yet.

I guess that brings us on to the bad. Everything just seems to go wrong at home. I can't make our income stretch enough, the house feels over crowded and I'm just fed up of everyone else. I wish it was just me and my little ones. I hate complaining about my family but they are really getting me down lately. They do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, but they complain constantly, I've not washed this, my cooking stinks, why haven't I cleaned behind the tv (the wires were in a mess!) They are all constantly in bad moods and I'm sure they think it's my fault. They stay up all night and sleep all day and when they get up I can't wait to get to bed.

Graham spends more time around his mums house than he does here. He does help sometimes with the kids but he doesn't do much around the house, he never seems to have time. (He's always around his mums) My ex was the same (Well he wasn't around his mum's he was at a friends or in the pub) and I got into a habit of not expecting anything and doing everything myself. So I guess I'm partly to blame for letting him get away with it.

Oh, and I'm so fed up of his moaning and yelling, especially at the girls. Men!!

There never seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on Yesterdays Dilemma

2010-04-17T11:59:00.000+01:00

All day I fretted about wether to take the girls out with us or not but in the end I had little choice. Leila didn't have her daytime nap. I tried to get her to sleep but she just wouldn't go off. So come 7pm she was soooo tired there was no way I could take her out, so we let her sleep and nanny came around to look after her. We took Lucy to the restaurant with us and she was really well behaved. I missed Leila, but I knew she was sleeping and ok. It was a really nice evening and the food was yummy. I was so tired though, when we got home around 10 pm I just got ready and went straight to bed.

Kittens and kittens

2010-04-15T22:58:00.000+01:00

Feeling sad today because my kitten has just had her kittens aborted along with being spayed. I took both kittens (8months, 1 male, 1 female) to be neutered last month but they wouldn't do it until they'd had their immunisations. So they had their first immunisation then and another 3 weeks later when I booked them in for their neutering today. Sometime in the last few weeks the female kitten, Sabrina, had gotten herself pregnant and the father was most likely her brother. The vet said because of the immunisations and the fact that her brother was the father then it would be likely that her kittens would be deformed or have health issues and it would be best to terminate them. So the deed was done today and now Sabrina is in recovery with a very nasty scar along her tummy. Her brother, Salem, has been done too. I know it was the best thing to do, but still feel sad. (Probably big soppy pregnancy hormones in play a little too)

On a brighter note it's my neice's 18th birthday tomorrow and we are all going out for a family meal. I'm still trying to decide wether to take the girls with us. I will fret about them if I don't, they are not used to being left in the evenings, and if I have left them it's been with their dad. If they come I will have to be more alert, but they are generally well behaved so I'm not worried about them playing up. The worst thing will be if they get overtired, then they will just complain to come home. I'm jealous of women who can leave their children and go out and enjoy themselves, it's just not something I've ever been able to do. It caused problems with my ex as he always wanted to go out, but my current partner is ok with not going out much. I do get better when they are older, although past experiences with my older children have made me even more wary. Sadly, I've had a bad experience when I've left them (my older kids) with someone I completely trusted. I know sometimes you have to trust but it's hard especially when it's your children you are trusting people to care for. They're my children and I'm the one who should be looking after them, but does that mean I'm not allowed to enjoy myself occasionally? Oh parenting can be so difficult sometimes.
Whatever I decide at least I know there is a nice meal to be had, and one I don't have to cook or wash up after.

Sun is Shining!

2010-04-10T22:38:00.000+01:00

Well it has been for the last few days. It was lovely to go out today sans winter coats, about time I guess. We go on holiday in 16 days so it better stay now it's here.
I've had quite a busy week this week with Lucy being off school, good job I've been feeling better, although I wasn't at the beginning of the week and had to go to drs on Tuesday. Not feeling too bad at all now, just hope it lasts.
Wednesday we were going to the fair but it was a bit dull and looked like rain so we put it off and went to Toys R Us instead. The idea was to give the girls somewhere to run around and get excited and maybe let them buy a little something, while I perused all the baby stuff. When we got there the store was under reconstruction and all the toys were in a huge tent in the carpark!! Still it was plenty big enough for the girls to have fun and spend an age choosing, but downside was the babystuff was limited to one shelf. I did buy a changing bag which was full of useful stuff. Another few things off my massive shopping list crossed.
Thursday we actually went to the kiddie fair with a friend and her two girls. The weather was lovely and the girls had a great time. You would think with all that fun and fresh air they would be exhausted when we got home but they ended up staying awake much later than usual. I don't think I'll ever understand kids.
Friday was my day to be a taxi driver for the big kids. So I was in and out all day. Graham promised to take the girls to the park but then dissapeared for hours coming home just before tea time. The girls had to make do with playing in the garden.
Saturday, today, we went to a local shopping centre so I could pick up a birthday present for my neices 18th next week. Then we went to the park which the girls loved.
Tomorrow it's shopping day, the girls can go and spend some time with their nan, children and Sainsburys are a match made in hell.
Haven't got any plans for next week but I hope we can get out and about again, fingers crossed the weather stays nice.

Baby's Name

2010-03-29T10:24:00.001+01:00

Now I'm going against my own better judgement here because I wanted to keep our little man's name under wrap until after the birth. The only people who know so far are me, Graham and Cassie. I was quite surprised that Cassie liked the name, she didn't like Lucy or Leila but they grew on her eventually.
Anyway, after much discussion, Graham and I came up with a name we both liked and it's stuck and now I'm going to announce it here only, just for my loyal blog readers. So if you find it out here I don't mind if you say to me elsewhere, I like/don't like your name for the baby, but please don't tell it to anyone else. Bit sneaky I know but I'm curious to know which of my friends read my blog too.
So here you go, my secret is now yours too and we are going to call our little man, Joseph.

Middle name might be Alva, I'm not overly keen but it's a name passed down through Graham's family and he wants to use it. I think it should be up to his brother to use it for his child (currently expecting one too) as it's his brother's middle name. Graham's middle name is Alan and I would quite like that, but we'll see.

What a Week!

2010-03-26T16:27:00.000Z

Well, it's been an eventful week. I woke on Monday feeling excited but a little apprehensive as it was time for my 20 week scan. It all was going well and we found out we were having a little boy!! But then I was asked to come back for another look in 40 minutes as there were some things she couldn't see. We went off excited that we were having a boy but a little worried that something was wrong. When we went back it turned out that baby was fine, phew! However, they spotted a couple of problems with me and a discussion with my consultant afterwards scared me half to death when he said he couldn't be sure I would be able to carry this baby to full term. I won't go into all the medical stuff here, you can check my pregnancy journal for that but I came out feeling really miserable.

I cheered up later after seeking advice and decided that there was no point in being pessimistic, it was just as likely that I could carry this baby to term and I was going with the positive mental attitude all the way!

Then on Tuesday morning I woke up and felt so ill. I couldn't do anything and had to get Graham up to take Lucy to school. I phoned the hospital and they told me to go in. It turned out I had an infection which was causing me pain, nausea and giving me a fever. It was also causing me to contract and push everything up against my lungs giving me an irregular heartbeat or arrhythmia. I could barely breathe.

So, I've been ill all week but now the anti-biotics are doing there job and I'm beginning to feel more human again. The arrhythmia continues which is a little worrying as well as annoying but the pain is getting better.

Oh and did I say, It's a BOY!!!

New Widget

2010-03-20T22:57:00.000Z

I've just added a new widget to the side of my blog. I wish I had more time for reading, I've always been a prolific reader but it's not so easy when you've got children running around and if I read at night I tend to fall asleep. I do try to make the time to continue reading though and my favourites list is bound to grow. At the moment I'm stuck in a fantasy Vampire, Werewolf, Ghost type world of fiction. I've been reading Kelley Armstrong books for ages and I just love her Otherworld stories and characters. I think the werewolves are my favourite but I do have a soft spot for the necromancer Jaime Vagas. She writes a really good storyline with just enough scary stuff not to give you nightmares but thankful that you don't live in that 'otherworld.'

I think I was bullied into reading the Twilight series. I knew before I started that it was aimed at a much younger audience but I decided to take the plunge anyway. To be honest the main character, Bella Swan, really grates on me, she is way too emotional, but to give her a break, she is just a hormonal teenager. The rest of the characters are a little more likeable and I have to say Jacob Black is my favourite (what is it with me and werewolves, I don't even like dogs?) Once they get going the stories have some grit to them and I like the climatic endings. Pity the rest of the story couldn't be so intriguing instead of romantic slush. I'm ready to read the last book in the series now so wish me luck.

The third item on my current list (I say current because I'm sure to add more very soon,) is Heavy Rain for the PS3. I haven't even played it but I've watched it being played and it's one of the best games I've ever seen. The graphics are pretty fantastic and I love games where you have to work out what to do. Hey, it's 100 times more interesting to watch than Fifa10. (Or real life football in my opinion.)

So there you go, a new widget for my favourite books & games, and a bit of distraction from that thing we call real life for a change.

When it's spring again.......

2010-03-15T11:35:00.003Z

It's so sunny today and it's not really cold either, for the first time I have the windows open instead of the heating on. Could this be the first signs of spring? I sure hope so, I havent' bought any maternity jumpers and my big baggy jumpers I've been wearing so far are not exactly big and baggy anymore!!

Anyway, with my Graham looking set to lose his job tomorrow, he hasn't even gone in today I think he's given up hope already, I'm so glad I started saving for babystuff early on. I worked it out that I will have enough money to buy everything new (along with the £190 maternity payment...or will I get £500 now that OH is unemployed???) So that's one less thing to worry about anyway.

We are also having a little holiday next month and that's paid for and spending money saved. And I have some money saved for a new (second hand) car along with the money I should get for selling mine, but that will be on the back burner now as it's not an essential. We will be a family of 7 and I only have a 5 seater car, but saying that it's incredibly rare that we all go out together, and come September I will have both my little girls at school/nursery. So I'm thinking maybe a 7 seater is not an absolute necessary item, although it would be nice.

Mothers Day

2010-03-14T12:42:00.000Z

Not my favourite day of the year, I miss my mum so much. I bought her some flowers and even managed to find a special laminated, in memory, Mothers Day card to go on her grave. I would give anything to see her or even speak to her just one more time. I find life hard without my lovely mum.

Thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
anon

At home, I had a lovely handmade card of my darling little Lucy and a couple of tulips from school. I bought Leila a card which she decorated beautifully for me. But as for my grown up kids, nothing, nada, zilch. Makes me think where I went wrong to be appreciated so little, it makes me feel very sad.

As for Graham, well he's just heard that he's probably going to lose his job next week. Oh Joy! It took him 3 years to find this job so we know how difficult it's going to be. Just before he started work again I was on the verge of ending our relationship as I'd had enough of him lounging around at home doing nothing, staying up all night on his PS3 and sleeping most of the day. I was at the end of my tether. I can handle him doing nothing to help when he's at work, but when he's not I find it really annoying. Fingers crossed for some miracle and he doesn't lose his job.

Happy Mothers Day indeed.

Lost: Brown Bunny!

2010-03-10T21:41:00.000Z

Yesterday I discovered our rabbit was missing. I went out to feed him as I do every morning and his cage was open and empty. I searched the garden but to no avail, I have no idea how he got out of the garden and was convinced he was hiding somewhere, but he's not returned so far, despite my leaving him goodies to eat.
I know how he got out of the hutch, all this horrible weather we've been having had taken it's toll on the door frame which had become warped. He'd managed to bend it open without releasing the latch.

I don't like keeping caged animals but we'd been asked if we wanted a rabbit along with a hutch and I thought the girls would like it so I said yes. The girls did play with him for a little in the garden in the summer, but it was me who had most contact. I had grown fond of him and did feel sorry that he was cooped up most of the time. I kept his hutch clean and made sure he had extra bedding when it was cold. I loved the way he jumped around his hutch like a lunatic whenever I opened the back door because he knew he was going to get some attention or food. I actually felt a little betrayed that he had decided to make a run for it. Now I find I miss him and I am still hoping that he returns although it's looking very unlikely now. I've even got the neighbours looking out for him.

I won't be getting another rabbit.

I Made A Decision

2010-03-04T21:56:00.002Z

Yesterday I was thinking about my results from my triple blood tests and as it had been a whole week since I'd had them done and not heard anything then surely I was in for some good news. Then the midwife phoned and told me although I was in the clear for neural defects like spina bifida, I was high risk for downs with a score of 1:110

I wasn't all that phased, I had honestly been expecting it to be higher. I'm 44 so on age alone my risk is 1:35 and I have Downs in my family, other factors taken into account are wether you smoke (I don't) and if you are overweight (I'm not)

Taking a step back to the beginning of this pregnancy, it wasn't planned and with two little girls under 5 yrs one of my first thoughts was this is going to be tough. Then my second thought was, if there is anything wrong with this baby then it's going to be too tough. So straight away in my head I wanted to know if there was going to be a problem.

Then when the time came for the blood tests I'd my feelings towards this baby had changed somewhat. It didn't bother me that it was going to be tough looking after 3 little ones, and it bothered me less that I wouldn't be able to cope if there was anything wrong. I've never worried about it before, I always knew that if I had a disabled baby I would cope. Some people feel that way and some people don't. I would never judge anyone that felt differently and I guess that's why I had doubted myself at the start.

I went ahead with the blood tests because the midwife told me that if the results came back high risk I would get full support. That's what I had today. I went to the hospital for counselling with my OH. The lady we saw explained everything in detail, how they work out the tests, what each part means, and of course, the statistical value of my results, which she thought were not so bad too. She didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know (apart from the hospital statistics for miscarriage after amnio which were 1:200 not 1:100 as I'd assumed) but just hearing someone talk through everything methodically really helped sort out the confusion in my head.

I went in thinking that my chances of having a baby with DS was 1:110 against the chances of mc from amnio at 1:100 was a no brainer, don't test. But finding out the new figure did make me think again. However, what I really needed to think about was why I wanted to know, and how badly I needed to know.

The midwife told me to think of it as two worst case scenarios and way up which I would consider the one I really couldn't live with.

1. If I didn't have the amnio I could possibly have a child with Downs Syndrome.

2. If I had an amnio I could possibly miscarry a perfectly fine little baby.

The choice suddenly seemed easy. I really couldn't live with scenario 2. I also realised that no matter what, I couldn't terminate this baby. So now that was straight in my mind I decided I could live with not knowing for sure if this baby did actually have DS. I doesn't matter anymore, I'm not worried. I can happily spend the rest of this pregnancy knowing that there is a very small risk of a DS a baby.

NB: From now on I'm going to keep all the detailed babystuff to my pregnancy journal but I will still keep my readers here updated on the important stuff.

I Think I May Have Overdone it.

2010-02-27T23:00:00.001Z

Decided today to go into town to get some maternity clothes. Everything is overstretched now and my bellyband isn't help much anymore, so it's time to move on to the real stuff.

So with Graham and the girls in tow we headed off to the city centre. First car park we tried was full, that's what you get for going on a Saturday, but I know my way around enough to know the quiet car parks so we soon found somewhere. The plan was to stay in the Bullring (huge shopping centre) but straight away OH was complaining about Leila's buggy (which was falling apart but I didnt' want to buy another as she'll be 3 and at nursery soon and hardly ever uses the buggy already.) So we went to Mothercare on the high street, only Mothercare had vanished. So we decided on Argos instead. Then we went back to the Bullring so I could buy my clothes. Already feeling tired I didn't try everything on and now I'm faced with returning items. The girls were moaning too, they wanted to go to the toy shop.

So next it was the toy shop, then lunch, then a browse around Pumpkin Patch. Then Graham decided he wanted a PS3 game which was new and hard to get, so 3 shops later and game in hand we were all fit to drop. Lucy did really well considering her bad knees, but she did have a swap and ride in the buggy while Leila had a walk. She had to have Iboprofen before bed to ease the pain and no doubt I'll be on massaging duty during the night.

On the way back to the car park I couldn't resist a quick browse in Mamas and Papas to look at prams/pushchairs. I was quite taken with the Luna and it's really well priced, but it's too soon for me to make big purchases yet. Also had a look at the Pilko Pramette, but not overly impressed.

Back home I started feeling twinges, which soon turned into aches and then had me reaching for the paracetamol because I could barely move. My groin and hips were agony. I didn't cook dinner, we had to have take out, and I've been lying down since girls went to bed. The pain is starting to ease now so I'm hoping to get some sleep soon. So much for thinking my SPD wasn't too bad this time, serves me right.

Also, I've been getting out of breath really quickly. I've always got like this towards the end of pregnancy when I'm really big, but I'm not even 17 weeks yet so it's unusual for me. Even tasks as simple as getting dressed leave me huffing and puffing, and I have to have a sit down if I go upstairs. The thought of another 23 weeks of this is depressing.

On the good side, I've not had a single spot of blood this pregnancy. I'm still nervous and checking all the time, but I'm hopeful that it's not going to happen, touch wood, fingers crossed, touch my collar, turn around, drink a glass of water upside down...err no that's hiccups, sorry.

All in the Head

2010-02-20T16:18:00.002Z

It just goes to show that feeling low has more to do with your state of mind than what's going on around you. I've had a fair bit of bad news and extra stress this week, but I'm still feeling much lighter than I was last week. Or maybe I'm just weird?

Anyway, I'm dealing with the bad stuff and looking forward to happier times. I applied for one of those cheap Sun holidays (from the newspaper The Sun) and this week we had a confirmation and we are going to Devon on 26th April for a 4 night holiday. I'm not a sun lover, so as long as it doesn't piddle down every day (or snow!) I'll be happy. I'm just glad to be getting away for a while, even if I will be the only driver. Definitely looking forward to it.

Next week I'm having my first appointment for my crown fitting. I have had a veneer on the tooth for the past 6 years but it came off and for some reason the new one just wouldn't stay on so my dentist recommended a crown instead. Never had a crown before, will it make me feel royal?

I'm also having an appointment for my blood tests to find out if there could be a possible health problem with Serge (the bump). I just know it's going to be a bad result because of my age alone the risk factor is 1:35 of having a baby with Downs Syndrome. Then I'll be asked if I want invasive testing to find out for sure....not something I really want to do. So my fingers, toes, and earlobes are crossed for a completely surprising excellent result from the blood tests.

Not so good

2010-02-13T22:26:00.004Z

Feeling a bit all over the place at the moment, I'm guessing it's hormonal, either that or I'm going a wee bit crazy.
After an initial high I think my hormones have taken a surge and now I'm falling fast. I just don't think I can cope, everything I do takes so much effort and I don't really want to put any effort into anything, I just want to give up now and do nothing. There is so much going on in my head I can't sort it out, I can't sleep. I'm missing mum, I think she's the only person who ever really understood me.
After all these years (21) I so want to move out of this house, my home. I've always loved living here but now I feel like the walls are closing in on me. It's never been a big house, but now I just can't cope with how small it is. Maybe a major de-clutter would help but that would require effort and as I said before, effort is beyond me right now.
For now I'll just carry on regardless and hope that somehow things inside my brain start straightening up and I will be myself again.

All Is Well

2010-02-05T21:24:00.003Z

I'd like to introduce you to baby number 5, or Serge as I'm naming it while still inside.

I think it's the clearest scan picture I've had at this stage. I was bang on with the dates so that makes me 13 weeks and 4 days today, and Serge is due on 09 August 2010 (pity if I'd waited a month it would have been 08 09 10, or maybe I could just move to America!) Then again, babies rarely turn up on their due date, out of my current 4 only my 2nd arrived on her due date. Serge is currently due 13 days after Leila's birthday and 15 days before Lucy's, so it's going to be a close call anyway.

All is well with little Serge, who currently measures in at 7cm. The little heartbeat was visible and there was lots of movement. And I've put on about 8lb which isn't bad for the first 3 months, I think. Will have to watch I don't put it on any faster though.

Feeling much more relaxed now that I know all is well. I am excited about having this baby, I'm just a little worried about how I'll cope. And I really do need a bigger house and car!

Nervous but excited

2010-02-04T22:55:00.002Z

It's my dating scan tomorrow morning. I guess every pregnant woman is the same, at this stage anything could happen, you just don't know what is happening in there until you've seen it on the screen. I should be confident because I have all the positive signs, including a bit of a bump already. I won't be happy until I know everything is where it should be and working properly.

When I had my eldest two you didn't get a scan until 20 weeks and then you couldn't really see much. I just remember seeing a little jumping bean which was, apparently, the baby's heart beat. I didn't get pictures either because both times the printer wasn't working. So when I got to see Lucy on my first scan at 12 weeks I was shocked to see an actual baby, she was facing forward and you could see her facial features. Then the 20 week scan was so detailed it was just amazing. I've never had a 4D scan, I think they show a little too much detail, if you know what I mean? I like some surprises when the baby arrives.

I've decided to find out the sex of this baby. I did with Lucy and it was really nice knowing, but when I got pregnant with Leila I felt I'd missed out on the surprise of finding out after the birth. It's not quite the same when the midwife calls out 'it's a girl' and you've already known for 20 weeks and bought everything in pink. This time however, I just want to know. Maybe it will be a boy? I really don't mind although I know Graham would like a boy. But mainly I'm worried about future sleeping arrangements if it is male, I mean, how long would he be willing to share a bedroom with two sisters?

I so need a bigger house!

Anyway, I'm off to bed now with everything crossed that I won't be getting some nasty news tomorrow.

(oh, and for those of you who may not realise it, but I won't be finding out the sex tomorrow because it's too early to tell yet...I'm thinking here of maybe an alien that might be reading ;-)

The Sleep Thing!

2010-01-26T22:39:00.002Z

Maybe you were thinking that I have become less obsessed with sleep, or rather my lack of it, but to be honest I just got bored moaning about it. Now, I have something new to report, I do believe that at two and a half years old, Leila is now sleeping through the night!!! I was beginning to think it was never going to happen. Now, she goes to bed between 7 and 8.30pm, depending on whether she's had a nap in the daytime, and will sleep through until 6 or 7am. Her big sister Lucy is always asleep by 8pm and sleeps through to 6 or 7am, she generally wakes first.

So with just six months until I have to start all over again you are probably thinking that I am overjoyed with all the sleep I'm getting? Well, sorry to disappoint you but it's not that easy, I'm not sure if it's because I've not had a full night sleep in so long but I just can't do it. I wake at least four times a night. I can go back to sleep fairly quickly most times, but it still means that even though my girls are sleeping through the night, I'm not.

Then of course there is Lucy's knees. She will often cry in pain during the night and I have to sit massaging her for at least half an hour. I anticipate this to go on for a long time yet, but at least it's not every night, sometimes we can go for five or six days without any pain.

I'm supposing that soon it will be heartburn and cramp that keeps me awake at night, then it will be just being unable to get comfortable. I have so much to look forward to. :-(

Ok, I started positively and that's how I'm going to finish, I am truly happy that Leila is sleeping through, it's easier to relax (even if I can't sleep) when I can be confident that she's not going to be waking up throughout the night.

The white stuff has gone!

2010-01-19T12:46:00.002Z

...and I can confirm that the colour of grass is green!
I have also been re-united with Vicky (my car...who used to be called Vinnie until I realised that she just had to be female because of the mood swings)

Baby number 5 is growing well, I can't get into my jeans already. I'm seeing the midwife on Thursday and should be having my first scan in the next week or so. And I've made it this far without being sick, that's good!

I bought the girls some MoonSand yesterday and I think it was probably my worst move yet. They want to play with it all the time but it's messier than painting (although it's easier to clean up). They wanted it out last night 10 mins before bedtime, and this morning 1/2 hour before school, and I get tantrums when I say no. Fingers tightly crossed that the novelty wears off quick.

A Little Luck!

2010-01-13T21:58:00.002Z

I had a nice surprise this morning, I had an e-mail from a bingo site that I play on saying that I'd won £250 in a competition. Whoo hooo! I'm going to put it away to spend on the new baby, probably at the Baby Show in May, but that may be a little late, we'll have to see.
I have an appointment with my midwife next Thursday and hopefully my first scan the week after. It all seems to be going quick now, I still have to keep pinching myself because it's so hard to believe that I am pregnant.

We still have snow :-( Yet another downfall last night which made it deeper than ever and it's snowed lightly all day. I took Lucy to school and then went to the local shops with Leila. I was heading for the supermarket but the pushchair was so hard to push I gave up and went to a mini mart instead. Then when I got home and changed all my wet clothes, I got a text from the school saying they were closing due to the deteriorating weather and would I come and collect Lucy. I got Craig to look after Leila this time, I just couldn't face struggling with the pushchair again. Unless the weather is much better tomorrow (unlikely) I'm not even going to bother taking Lucy in.

On Friday I have to go into town with Craig and it looks like we may have to go on the bus, I just hope they grit the roads because the buses are having trouble now, the one Graham caught today got stuck on a hill, and the one home went a completely new route. Maybe, just maybe this sleet like snow we are having now will turn to rain and wash it all away. Fingers tightly crossed.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-10T14:32:00.002Z

I know, I know, I'm 10 days late! I just haven't had the time to concentrate on writing a post. I generally do my posts in the evening when the girls are asleep but Leila has been poorly and hasn't been sleeping too well. So, most nights instead of running up and down the stairs every five minutes, I've been going to bed early myself and watching some TV. I've been feeling really tired all the time anyway so it's suited me going up early, but it does mean I've not had much time for the computer. There isn't much I can do with the girls around, they don't leave me alone.

I guess I'm in the same boat as everyone else but I'm getting a bit fed up of this snow now. I don't usually mind snow but it is so cold all the time. My heating bill is going to be shocking! Lucy had only 1 1/2 days at school last week and she gets so bored at home. And now, as I type there is more snow falling, on top of all the compacted ice. It makes me think about where it is all going to go when it starts to melt. It's bound to be messy.

The new year was more difficult for me than Christmas. Mum's birthday was 2nd January, so I took a large bouquet of flowers to the cemetery for her and it made me so much sadder than the last time I went. Then there was the anniversary of Simeon's death on the 3rd. My oldest brother was having a hard time too, I had an emotional phone call from him on the 2nd. But talking of brothers, I've heard nothing off my middle brother Kevin. I sent him a Christmas card and a text to say Happy New Year, but not heard a pip back from him. Checking the flowers on the grave I think he may have been responsible for the 4 single roses, wrapped individually, one for each family member. It's hard to tell though because there was a few things without tags.

I've been meaning to visit my auntie, but with the girls being ill over Christmas and then this horrid weather (which I refuse to drive in) I haven't made it yet. My family is getting smaller and I feel so cut off from those left sometimes. Still, I have my own family to look after and that's getting bigger!

This Christmas....

2009-12-30T15:41:00.002Z

Has been fine!
I went to the cemetery on Christmas eve, just me and Graham, and we lit candles for my family and I said a little prayer for each one. I was really sad but glad I did something memorable.
Christmas day was lovely, the girls were fantastic, so excited with all their presents and they played nicely all day.
Dinner was really yummy (Even if I do say so myself) and we even managed pudding this year. I got a little sad after dinner, around the time mum passed last year, but I kept it to myself so as not to spoil the day for the rest of my family.
The only bad thing has been the girls being poorly with colds and very nasty coughs. We've barely had any sleep all week. On boxing day we went to my brothers house for an hour, they were getting ready to go to a party that we were invited too, but we didn't make it because of the girls. We did manage a party on 27th, but again the girls ended up snugging up to me and going to sleep. Graham had a good time though, he got pretty drunk!
Tuesday was the worst day for Leila, she barely moved all day poor thing, but today (Wednesday) they are both looking a little better so I'm hoping that we might get some sleep tonight!
ON Boxing day I told Cassie and Craige that I was pregnant again. A bit of a shocker I know, I've known about 4 weeks but I wanted to get Christmas day out of the way before telling them. Cassie has always been really upset when I've got pregnant before so I didn't want to spoil her Christmas. Craige was a bit shocked but ok, Cassie went quiet for 20 mins but then she said that she wasn't going to be like before and she'd be there for me all the way. She's growing up.
I'm not really sure how I feel still, the hormones are keeping me on a bit of a high (I think they have helped me get through Christmas) but I didn't' really want any more kids. I think I'm too old and I have my hands full already. We don't have the room here, we will have to move. And to top it all, I've got nothing for a baby, I got rid of everything Leila grew out of. This is going to be an expensive baby.

Last Christmas.....

2009-12-23T21:53:00.002Z

I was reading through my blog today and I realised that I never really wrote about what happened last Christmas day, maybe I didn't feel strong enough at the time. I think that maybe now I am.
Christmas morning my younger brother called me to say that he was going home (from the hospice) because mum looked so ill he was scared she was going to die. I thought that he was exaggerating but I asked him to wait until I got there. I'd promised to take the girls with me to see their nan on Christmas day so we all went together. I went into her room first while Graham waited with the girls. My brother had left and I could see why. Mum was lying there barely breathing. Her eyes were open but there was nothing behind them, she didn't even know I was there. I went out to Graham and the girls and told them nanny was sleeping and they could go in and give her a kiss then daddy would take them in the gardens.
After Graham took them out I sat there holding her hand and told her how much I loved her. I wanted to stay until the end, I could tell it was coming, but Graham had no way of taking the girls home and I had a turkey in the oven. So I tore myself away vowing to go back as soon as I could.
At home, I don't know how but I managed to finish dinner, and even eat a little, but I was rushing to get back to mum. I felt bad for deserting my family but I knew it was the last chance I had to be with her. I was just putting on my coat to leave when the phone rang and I found out I was too late. I still went and she looked just as she had earlier, only this time she wasn't breathing. Her sister had been with her when she took her last breathe, so she wasn't alone. My older brother and his wife where there too. My younger brother hadn't been able to face going back.
So that was my Christmas last year.
This year I will feel sad but I'm also determined to make it special for my children.
After mum died last year lots of people told me that you never get over losing your mum. At the time I just wanted the pain to stop but now I realise that what I was told was true. The pain never stops but you find ways of dealing with it, life continues and the pain continues, but now I can embrace it because it reminds me of what I've lost, and what I've lost is a part of me.

Freezing Flowers

2009-12-18T21:45:00.002Z

I went to the cemetery today, my two older kids came with me and Leila. The flowers I left last time looked like they were fresh, but on inspection they were completely frozen. I swapped them for new which will probably freeze too in this cold weather spell. I also took a cross wreath which was really pretty. Yes, I know I said I was going to make one, and I tried, but I just couldn't get it to look right so I gave up. Thinking about it, it was probably good enough, but I just through a wobbly and the wreath went flying up the garden. I'll blame the holly for now, that stuff is darned prickly.

My aunties had already been as there was already a wreath for my nan and a bunch of red roses for mum and dad. I'm sure there will be more when I go back next week. My plan is to go alone on Christmas eve and light four tea light candles. I think it's probably against the rules to light candles on a grave but I will only light them while I'm there and take them with me when I've said my piece. I just feel the need to mark the anniversary. It's been over a year now since I had my last 'proper' conversation with my mum. It still hurts.

One Year On....

2009-12-11T23:09:00.002Z

Today we went to see Lucy in her school christmas play 'The Very Hopeless Camel' she was a star. She had to wear a headband with a star on her head and it kept falling down over her eyes. She gave up trying to push it up eventually so spent most of the play practically blindfolded. It was a really good play though, the kids did everything which is pretty good going seeing as the oldest ones there were barely six years old. Lucy missed her nursery play last year as she had conjuncivitis and they asked me not to send her in :-(
Next week we have two carol services (one inside, one out) to look forward to and Lucy has her christmas party (Which was originally this week but they changed it, much to Lucy's confusion.)
Also next week we are all going to the nature centre to visit Santa :-)

One Year Ago Today......

2009-12-11T22:51:00.003Z

I learnt that my mum had cancer and she was given just weeks to live. In one way it seems like a lifetime ago, in another it seems like yesterday. I was determined that we were going to have one last wonderful christmas together, mum always loved christmas and I wanted it to be really special. sadly that was not to be because the illness took over her much too quickly and even though she made it to christmas day she wasn't aware of it, and it was her last day here on earth. I didn't know how I would cope this year, but so far I think I'm holding up well. I will go to the cemetery this week (as usual) and make sure it looks really nice for the christmas visitors. I'm going to make my own wreath for next week. Mum always liked to make christmas decorations, she used to make lovely tree top angels out of cheap plastic dolls, crepe paper and tinsel. So I thought I'd make my wreath rather than buying one, especially for her.

The one emotion I have been feeling a lot of is anger. I feel angry at my brother for sending her to a hospice. I don't see anything wrong with hospices, they are a great resource for many families, and can give excellent care to their patients. But, mum wanted to be at home, and she only had days to live, we should have let her have her wish. It would have been really hard for us, but I was prepared to do it and so was my younger brother. I can see that my older brother was doing what he thought was right for her, and he was angry at me for allowing her to come out of hospital, but I think he was delusional if he thought she was going to live any longer. Even if she had lived longer I'd have been prepared to put myself out for her, and my family were behind me all the way. I just wished she could have been at home like she so wanted to be.

It's no good focusing on the why's and what if's though, and even though I feel angry at my brother I'm not placing any blame, he thought he was doing the right thing by her. It's time to move on now and focus on the happier times. The problem is you have to work through the past to get on with the future, especially if you don't want it to keep coming back and haunting you.

Deck the Halls....

2009-12-05T22:28:00.002Z

Finally I managed to finish decorating the living room and today I put up the christmas tree and decorations. I've a few more to put up tomorrow, I was just too knackered to do any more today. The girls loved decorating the tree, I just let them get on with it, (after I'd put on the lights) and sorted it out a little later on....I mean, 6 baubles on one little branch! The kittens love it too, they've knocked it over twice already. We now have the bottom of the tree behind a barrier to make it more off-putting....we'll see!

I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Most of which I'm not willing to share just yet, sorry, but watch this space. It strange the way life works, throwing things at you and expecting you to deal with it. I don't even know if I'm happy or sad, it's just a bit much to take in right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to take it easy, I think I deserve that. Then next week I have Lucy's school christmas play to look forward to a visit to the hospital with Graham and a visit to the dentist to have my new veneer fixed finally. (Well, I hope so, my dentist wasn't too thrilled with the impression, even though I did it twice.)

Busy Busy Busy

2009-12-02T21:48:00.002Z

I am decorating the living room. It really needed doing but I did hope I could have had it done a bit sooner, Lucy is bugging me to put the christmas tree up already. Still, I'm glad to be busy, it stops me from thinking and I've a lot on my mind right now.
So, now it's December, the month I've been dreading all year. I can feel my sanity draining away already. Why do anniversarys have to be so difficult? I have been so scared that I will fall apart that I've made sure everything is done in time for christmas. No point in spoiling it for anyone else, my girls are going to have a fantastic time. Presents are bought ( not wrapped yet though ) turkey ordered and paid for and food shopping delivery arranged. So it's just xmas tree, wrapping and cards to do. (I've even bought my stamps!) Got to keep it together, must keep it together.
Keeping busy is what I must do! I'm going to paint the kitchen once the living room is done. I might not make it through this month with my sanity intact, but no-one will know, they'll just think I'm exhausted.

Decades

2009-11-28T22:07:00.002Z

I was reading another blog the other day and for the first time I realised the importance of the approaching new decade. This other blogger was already making plans to mark the start of this new era and I've been thinking that I'd like to do something too, I've not thought of what yet though.
Why is it so important to me? Well, this last decade has been the worst of my life, and it started 1st January 2000. That's when my life as I knew it fell to pieces and what followed was 2 very miserable years. Everything I knew changed and my kids suffered too. I had a few close friends and family that were really there for me and for that I will always be grateful. Things did get a little better towards the middle of the decade but then I had the tragedy of losing my mum last year, and my brother this year (although it was only a week later.) So the decade began and ended badly and I really will be glad to see the back of it.

Of course it has not been all bad though. I met Graham (yes, I'm counting that as good) and we have had some really good times together. He helped to bring my kids around and make their lives happier too. Also, even though I suffered two years of thinking I would never have any more children I went on to have my two lovely girls. It doesn't seem right thinking they came along in the worst decade of my life, but you always have to have good with the bad, and they are my two shining lights in a decade of darkness.

Things have changed so much now and even though I'm still sad I know that the future can be brighter. I will endeavor to make the next decade the best ever. It's up to me really and I'm determined to do all the things I've always wanted to do but never had the opportunity. I'll never have my mum back but I have to move past that and know that she is at peace and I have to learn to live with my loss. She never wanted me to spend the rest of her life with me nursing her so I'm sure she wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life mourning her either. I need to stop being so selfish.

So what am I going to do to mark the next decade.....the best decade of my life?

I went to a gig!

2009-11-23T21:31:00.003Z

A few weeks ago an old friend of mine told me she had a spare ticket going for a Kasabian gig and would I like to go. Bit of a stupid question really as I'm a Kasabian fan and had already being looking at tickets but with Graham being out of work we couldn't really afford it. My friend told me she was paying for the ticket as a birthday present :-)
Well, last Thursday was the night and I was really excited. The beginning of the week I'd been ill and I was worried that I wouldn't be well enough to go. I'm guessing my utter determination at not to miss the gig was a big factor in my getting better on time.
Now, I don't go to many gigs, mainly because I'm not good in crowds. I freak out if I get touched by a stranger, and if your in a big crowd that's more likely to happen. I know, I know, I'm strange, but I like my personal space. Luckily my friend likes her space too and was not disappointed that I didn't want to rush to the front near the strange and me squashed in the throng of drunken revellers. Instead we decided to head down the side where I'd spotted a gap. And it was a great gap, right in front of the security barrier so no-one was going to shove past us to get nearer, and surprisingly near to the stage even if just to left, the view was great (well, it was probably a bit better for me as I'm pretty tall.) We even had enough room to dance.
Kasabian were brilliant, they are definitely a live act to see. Pure entertainment. I loved every minute. They finished off with LSF (lost Souls Forever) which has a catchy little la la la at the end which went on and on by the audience both in the auditorium and outside and all the way up the canal back into town.
I had a great night and would definitely go and see them again. I kept waking during the night and the music was still playing in my head. Of course I had the obligatory headache the next day but it was well worth it.

BTW Graham has a job now :-)